Monday, May 29, 2017

Pitchwars Early Bird Mentor Critique 17 - First 500 - Adult Fantasy

To skip directly to the material and critique, scroll down to the star divider line. If you'd like to know how I break down a critique, and what I'm looking for, keep reading:

To help the authors as much as possible, I've critiqued their full first chapter, however I'm only sharing the first 500 words as these can get quite long.

When critiquing a first chapter, (especially the first 500 words), I'm always searching for these pieces of information. A great book can include all of them right up front. Sometimes one or two need to take longer. But in the first page, or two at most, I should see at least three of these:

Who is the focus of the story?
Where are they?
When is it (i.e. what era--is it today? two hundred years ago? not sure?)
What are they doing?
Why are they doing it

And in the first chapter, if not the first 500 words, I want to know what the character's initial goal is. That goal will likely change as they learn more about the situation they're falling into. However, right up front, the character always needs to want something--desperately. And the author needs to communicate to me what that is, and why they might not get it, as quickly as possible. Because that's what tells me why I should care about this story.

I'm looking for technical expertise--does the author know how to set up a scene? Do they understand backstory and when to include it (and perhaps more importantly, when not to). Is their writing tight and polished, or are there a lot of unnecessary words? Is the author falling into purple prose (over-writing in an attempt to sound good, but actually creating a sense of melodrama which will turn many readers off).

Beyond that, I'm looking at how I respond as a reader. Am I intrigued? Do I care? Do I want to keep reading?
So, with all those elements in mind, here we go...


********************


ORIGINAL MATERIAL

Running late to work at the crack of dawn to find protesters already lined up outside wasn’t the best way Hazel had ever started her day. At least when the day started so bad, it couldn’t get any worse.
The shopping district was mostly deserted in the cold February morning, save the half dozen protesters assembled outside her aunt Enid’s essence distillery. Hazel didn’t know what possessed them to be there so early in the morning. If she had it her way she’d still be firmly ensconced in bed. If anything could be said about Pandora Alliance, it would be that they were dedicated to their cause.
Hazel clutched her pepper spray in one hand, her keys to the shop in the other as she approached. The alley leading to the back entrance wasn’t far, she wouldn’t have to pass through the line if they stayed where they were. This group hadn’t been violent in the three days they’d been picketing the shop, but Hazel wasn’t about to take a chance, not after the fiasco of the Tear protests the year before.
None of them looked particularly well rested. There was a sleeping bag bundled off to one side, and Hazel wondered if one of them had slept there. Even the end of February in Denver could get well below freezing at night. Their usual hostility at someone who not only accepted magic, but worked in a shop that sold it, was amplified by the rumpled look of people who had been called out of bed by Enid’s early arrival at the shop.
“There’s the traitor,” a middle-aged woman sneered. Hazel tried to ignore them. The Pandora Alliance was sometimes harder on her then they were on actual practitioners.
“Turn away from your sin, forsake the evil of your kin or you will burn in hell!” No one else was around, why did they insist on doing this show every time they saw her? Maybe they were just running through their lines, getting warmed up for a day of shortsighted bigotry.
Hazel took a deep breath, hands trembling with the approach of panic. It was too early in the day for this. She pasted her best customer service smile on and waved to the crowd. “Good morning to you too. Stay warm!”
A charm on her keys let her pass by the wards that surrounded the shop and blocked off the entrance to the slip of an alley that let her get to the back door.  The cold malice of the protesters following her, crawling like spiders on her neck. Out of sight, Hazel took a moment to lean against the rough brick wall, willing her heart to slow down. Why they couldn’t just close for a few days was beyond her. It wasn’t like they were doing any real business with a fanatical picket line marching outside.
“You’re late,” Enid said, her voice a sharp crack through the  stillness of the back room of the shop.


CRITIQUE (My words in red font)

Running late to work at the crack of dawn to find protesters already lined up outside wasn’t the best way Hazel had ever started her day. At least when the day started so bad, it couldn’t get any worse.


I’ll be honest, I feel like you missed an opportunity here. You’re telling rather than showing, so we’re still waiting for the impact when, in fact, you have a really good conflict set up here.
Try opening with us seeing her rushing along the sidewalk (or wherever), sweating and blowing hair out of her face because she’s late, the running into a wall of protestors—and give us her emotional reaction to that through sensory detail.


The shopping district was mostly deserted in the cold February morning, save the half dozen protesters assembled outside her aunt Enid’s essence distillery. Hazel didn’t know what possessed them to be there so early in the morning. If she had it her way she’d still be firmly ensconced in bed. If anything could be said about Pandora Alliance, it would be that they were dedicated to their cause.

Again, great info, but you’re working too hard to give it to use because you’re telling instead of showing. Give us the glint off the windows, or the cracked cement, or whatever actual setting we’re in. When you mention the Essence Distillery, or the Pandora Alliance you’re going to have to explain (very briefly) what they are. So get us really grounded in the reality of the place (sight, smell, sound, texture, etc) then mention these things—and have her give us a sentence in her head that tells us what they are, because they’re clearly an important part of your world-building.
Story-wise, does she truly not understand why the protestors are there? If not, then her emotional reaction needs to be confusion and concern. If she knows why they’re there, but can’t believe they’re doing it so early, then it’s exasperation or frustration—along with fear or concern for the impacts.


Hazel clutched her pepper spray in one hand, her keys to the shop in the other as she approached.

Excellent. These are the kind of tangible details we need right up front.

The alley leading to the back entrance wasn’t far, she wouldn’t have to pass through the line if they stayed where they were. This group hadn’t been violent in the three days they’d been picketing the shop, but Hazel wasn’t about to take a chance, not after the fiasco of the Tear protests the year before.

You’re once again mentioning a tthing that we don’t have a frame of reference for. You need to give a very brief outline of what the Tear protests are. I mean, really brief. A single sentence after the mention. Or, you can em dash it and explain in a few words “…not after the fiasco of the Tear protests—eight days of Pandora terror attacks on capitol buildings—the year before.” (I know that’s not what your conflict is, but I’m trying to show you the structure of how to clue the reader into these little pieces of information).


None of them looked particularly well rested. There was a sleeping bag bundled off to one side, and Hazel wondered if one of them had slept there. Even the end of February in Denver could get well below freezing at night. Their usual hostility at someone who not only accepted magic, but worked in a shop that sold it, was amplified by the rumpled look of people who had been called out of bed by Enid’s early arrival at the shop.

Ah, now we start to see what’s going on here. This information needs to be right at the front—the first time she mentions the distillery and the protestors. This is the crux of your world-building. Don’t make the reader wonder/wait for it.


“There’s the traitor,” a middle-aged woman sneered. Hazel tried to ignore them. The Pandora Alliance was sometimes harder on her then they were on actual practitioners.
Nice way to drop in that she doesn’t do magic. Well done. These kinds of brief insights are perfect for your opening pages.


“Turn away from your sin, forsake the evil of your kin or you will burn in hell!” No one else was around, why did they insist on doing this show every time they saw her? Maybe they were just running through their lines, getting warmed up for a day of shortsighted bigotry.
Nice.


Hazel took a deep breath, hands trembling with the approach of panic. It was too early in the day for this. She pasted her best customer service smile on and waved to the crowd. “Good morning to you too. Stay warm!”
That made me grin.

A charm on her keys let her pass by the wards that surrounded the shop and blocked off the entrance to the slip of an alley that let her get to the back door.  The cold malice of the protesters following her, crawling like spiders on her neck.
Great metaphor, but we still aren’t grounded in this world. So focus instead on the reality of where she is and what she’s doing—show the lock clicking open for her, the texture of the door, or the echoeing steps behind. That kind of thing. That’s what will make your reader fall into your world.


Out of sight, Hazel took a moment to lean against the rough brick wall, willing her heart to slow down.
These moments are where you have those opportunities to make the world real. Instead of leaning against a rough brick wall, have her rest on the wall and show her hair or her clothes snagging on the bricks.

Why they couldn’t just close for a few days was beyond her. It wasn’t like they were doing any real business with a fanatical picket line marching outside.
“You’re late,” Enid said, her voice a sharp crack through the  stillness of the back room of the shop.
Hazel flipped the deadbolt on the door and turned to face her aunt. Even so early in the morning, Enid was put together and lovely, but she always was. Dark brown hair pulled up into a neat bun, creamy tan cheeks smooth, canted eyes bright and catching everything. She was in her mid-forties, age giving her grace and beauty that seemed to grow every year instead of diminishing.
Lovely description!

SUMMARY: 

Here’s what’s working really well for you: You don’t use extra words to get an idea across. You know how to move action simultaneously with internal narration. And it sounds like you’ve got a really well developed world in your head. You’re showing the conflict right up front (big tick!), and your voice is clear.
The thing that’s working against you is that you’re telling more than you’re showing. Which slows the read (even if it sometimes uses less words) because it doesn’t make the reader feel like they’re a part of the story. They don’t get inside the character’s skin—instead they’re outside watching them. And that’s much harder to connect with.
If you take the exact progression and information you’ve got here (along with your writing skills), and use it to paint sensory detail, you’ll grip the reader from the very first line.
I know it can feel difficult at the beginning to try to identify when you’re showing vs. telling, but an approach that helps me is this: When you describe something, are you describing an action, or an image? An image tells you what to see or hear (“She leaned against the rough bricks.”) If you’re describing sensations in action, you’re showing (“She dropped her forehead against the cool bricks, then grimaced when her hair caught, tearing on the rough stone.”) That’s not a great example because I’m rushing, but hopefully it makes the point.

The only content I think is missing here is the goal of the protagonist, though you could argue that she wants to see the shop closed. Personally, given the conflict you've set up, I'd go for something a little bigger--does she wish she could magic the people away? Does she wish she could walk away and not have to deal with these people? Does she want to move the shop to another city where they're more open to magic? Let the reader see what she'd choose if she could.
I see a ton of potential here. I hope I’ve offered some insight that will help with your revisions.

No comments:

Post a Comment