tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26224770973614652024-03-10T00:27:43.957-08:00Aimee L. SalterAimeeLSalterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17763596557256341788noreply@blogger.comBlogger469125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2622477097361465.post-24433012271741439612018-12-24T14:22:00.000-08:002018-12-24T14:22:36.617-08:00LOVE OUT LOUD Now in Paperback! <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
NOW AVAILABLE IN PAPERBACK! (Scroll to the bottom if you want to skip to the story and find the links.)<br />
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TRUE STORY: This year I'm sharing a deeply personal holiday tradition with YOU!<br />
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Christmas is my favorite time of year, but THIS Christmas is especially precious because we almost lost my mother to cancer. (Seriously.)<br />
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When I was a kid the Christmas Eve tradition was that we always opened a single<br />
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present. It was always the same thing: a new pair of pajamas to wear to bed that night. Something I prayed every year would change into a toy or something to do on this exciting, interminable night đ.<br />
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So, when I had a son, I carried on the tradition--with a twist. Every Christmas eve my son gets to open TWO presents: His Grandma (my mother) buys him pajamas just like she did for me, and I get him a new book.<br />
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This year, I'm giving a book to you, too: See, when I knew LOVE OUT LOUD would be a Christmas release (it's dedicated to my mother) I figured, what better way to celebrate than to bring the Paperback out for Christmas Eve?<br />
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I'm so excited about this story and these characters, and so grateful to you all for sharing them with me. And now, if you prefer the traditional kind of reading experience, you can do that with LOVE OUT LOUD. (See the links below.)<br />
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"Love Out Loud is gripping, poignant, and brutally honest. If tortured rockers are your poison, Crash will stop your heart in its tracks.â Tammara Webber, New York Times bestselling author of Easy.<br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">The past year was the loneliest of Kelly Berkstramâs life. Last September, after promising forever, Crash took Kellyâs virginity--along with promises to help her escape the iron grip of her stepfather--and disappeared to tour with his band, Crash Happy. </span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">Now Crash is back and begging forgiveness. But with the band poised to step onto the international stage, Kelly's certain she'll lose him again. </span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">Crash knows he owes Kelly answers about last year. But heâs determined to protect her from his secrets. Because if he reveals too much, the sharks circling his career will make sure Kelly loses a lot more than a second chance at love.</span><br />
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<i style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">Fans of Jamie Shawâs </i><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">Mayhem,</span><i style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"> and Tammara Webberâs </i><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">Easy</span><i style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"> will be sucked in by this raw, emotional read from the author of </i><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">Every Ugly Word,</span><i style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"> and </i><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">Dark Touch.</span><br />
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Paperback: https://www.amazon.com/Love-Out-Loud-Aimee-Salter/dp/0990004139<br />
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Kindle edition: https://www.amazon.com/Love-Out-Loud-Aimee-Salter-ebook/dp/B07L7SXZZ3</div>
AimeeLSalterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17763596557256341788noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2622477097361465.post-34526659870037006082018-12-13T16:18:00.001-08:002018-12-13T16:23:48.922-08:00CRASH HAS LANDED!!! *Flails*<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<i style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: lato, "helvetica neue", helvetica, sans-serif;">"Love Out Loud</i><span style="font-family: "lato" , "helvetica neue" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> is gripping, poignant, and brutally honest. If tortured rockers are your poison, Crash will stop your heart in its tracks.â Tammara Webber, New York Times bestselling author of </span><i style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: lato, "helvetica neue", helvetica, sans-serif;">Easy.</i><br />
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It took eighteen months that were like pulling teeth, (I'll tell the ugly, convoluted story of 2018 another time,) but... My third book is here!<br />
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<b>Enter the giveaway for a Kindle copy:</b> <span style="font-family: sans-serif; font-size: small;">https://giveaway.amazon.com/p/445916bd25eaf5f3</span><br />
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<b>Add it to your Goodreads shelves: </b>https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/36873574-love-out-loud<br />
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<b>Add it to your Christmas Wishlist (Paperback releasing on Christmas Eve!)</b><span style="font-family: sans-serif; font-size: small;"><b>: </b>https://www.amazon.com/Love-Out-Loud-Aimee-Salter-ebook/dp/B07L7SXZZ3</span><br />
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<br style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: lato, "helvetica neue", helvetica, sans-serif;" />
<span style="font-family: "lato" , "helvetica neue" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-style: italic;">The past year was the loneliest of Kelly Berkstramâs life. Last September, after promising forever, Crash took Kellyâs virginity--along with promises to help her escape the iron grip of her stepfather--and disappeared to tour with his band, </span><span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: "lato" , "helvetica neue" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Crash Happy.</span><span style="font-family: "lato" , "helvetica neue" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> </span><br />
<i><br style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: lato, "helvetica neue", helvetica, sans-serif;" /></i>
<span style="font-family: "lato" , "helvetica neue" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><i>Now Crash is back and begging forgiveness. But with the band poised to step onto the international stage, Kelly's certain she'll lose him again. </i></span><br />
<i><br style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: lato, "helvetica neue", helvetica, sans-serif;" /></i>
<span style="font-family: "lato" , "helvetica neue" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><i>Crash knows he owes Kelly answers about last year. But heâs determined to protect her from his secrets. Because if he reveals too much, the sharks circling his career will make sure Kelly loses a lot more than a second chance at love.</i></span><br />
<i><br style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: lato, "helvetica neue", helvetica, sans-serif;" /></i>
<span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: "lato" , "helvetica neue" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Fans of Jamie Shawâs </span><span style="font-family: "lato" , "helvetica neue" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><i>Mayhem</i></span><span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: "lato" , "helvetica neue" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">, and Tammara Webberâs </span><span style="font-family: "lato" , "helvetica neue" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><i>Easy</i></span><span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: "lato" , "helvetica neue" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><i> </i>will be sucked in by this raw, emotional read from the author of </span><span style="font-family: "lato" , "helvetica neue" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><i>Every Ugly Word</i>,</span><span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: "lato" , "helvetica neue" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> and </span><span style="font-family: "lato" , "helvetica neue" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><i>Dark Touch</i>.</span><br />
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<b style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: lato, "helvetica neue", helvetica, sans-serif;">Content Warning: Recommended for readers age 18+ due to themes of sexual harassment and assault.</b></div>
AimeeLSalterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17763596557256341788noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2622477097361465.post-9539802504984864212017-08-02T08:01:00.002-07:002017-08-02T08:02:46.537-07:00I See You, Pitch Wars Hopefuls. I Really Do.<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Last night and this morning I spent a lot of time sifting through queries for Pitch Wars hopefuls. At some point I read a query that just didn't gel for me. It had elements I'd asked for in my wishlist, and the writing wasn't bad. But it didn't engage my imagination or heart, and I couldn't really tell you why. I simply didn't <i>feel </i>the story. So, I sorted that query into the "Not for Me" pile.<br />
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Then it hit me.<br />
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I sat back, blinked and realized I'd just said no to an author who'd done nothing wrong.<br />
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Now, I didn't make that decision blithely. When I'm evaluating dozens of pieces of work, I become aware of a spark--this intangible <i>thing </i>that makes me sit up and take notice. And feel excited. Or, conversely, when a query or first chapter lacks that spark. It becomes fairly easy to identify what's going to bake my cookies.<br />
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But I do, absolutely, 100%, empathize with the authors on the other side of this process. I've been there. I've got countless rejection emails in my files. And rejections from my own agent, and publishers, and bad reviews . . . I get it. It's hard and it hurts. You want <i>everyone </i>to love your baby.<br />
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The bottom line is, though, that as a mentor I can't take everyone. I can't read every manuscript to dig for hidden gems. I have to trust my gut about what's going to feed my energy (mental and physical) as we walk through this process.<br />
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But here's the good news: I literally haven't read a single query so far that's <i>bad. </i>The quality of these submissions surprises and excites me. Because I know, even if <i>I'm </i>not the right mentor for these projects, someone else might be. And even if no mentor chooses them, there will be agents out there that are engaged.<br />
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<b>I guess what I'm trying to say is: If you submitted to me, thank you. I'm genuinely humbled that you trust me with your work. If I reject it, I don't do so lightly. And I don't take <i>any </i>pleasure in removing you from this particular game. Please, don't let yourself decide that if I (or other mentors) don't pick you, your book is finished, or you're a failure. It purely, simply, isn't true.</b><br />
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AimeeLSalterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17763596557256341788noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2622477097361465.post-55746208456101122552017-07-24T15:23:00.000-07:002017-07-24T15:23:55.090-07:00Quick Links to All the Pitch Wars Info<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I know there's a lot of information flying around out there this year, so if you want quick access to all my info, use these links:<br />
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1. <a href="http://www.aimeelsalter.com/2017/07/my-pitchwars-ya-mentor-bio-and-wishlist.html">My Bio and Wishlist</a> (with links to all other YA mentors at the bottom.)<br />
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2. <a href="http://pitchwars.proboards.com/thread/6/ama-mentor-aimee-salter-ya">My Ask Me Anything thread on the Pitch Wars Forums. </a><br />
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3. <a href="http://pitchwars.proboards.com/thread/359/mentors-selection-process-detail-salter">The breakdown of my selection process and what criteria I use when reading submissions.</a></div>
AimeeLSalterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17763596557256341788noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2622477097361465.post-34307825967065737862017-07-23T00:30:00.000-07:002017-07-23T00:30:25.971-07:00Pitch Wars #SaltyCrit - Query Mentor Critique<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="color: #222222;">(If you're looking for it, you'll find <a href="http://ow.ly/MQf530dPejQ">my Pitch Wars bio and wishlist here</a>)</span><br />
<span style="color: #222222;"><br /></span><span style="color: #222222;">A couple brave souls agreed to have the critiques they won from me last week posted on my blog. Let's give them a hand, shall we?</span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222;">Here's a query from one of your co-hopefuls!</span><br />
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<a href="https://www.blogger.com/null" name="m_7221424324037873244__Hlk486190641"><span style="color: black; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">Dear Ms. Salter,<u></u><u></u></span></a></div>
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<a href="https://www.blogger.com/null" name="m_7221424324037873244__Hlk486103912"><span style="color: black; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">Seventeen-year-old, art obsessed </span></a><span style="color: black; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">Ros swears sheâs hallucinating when an eccentric witnessâs footage shows her beloved father as heâs yanked inside Edvard Munchâs painting, <i>The Scream</i>. So, when Interpol comes knocking, asking questions about her missing art dealing fatherâthe only family she ever hadâher heart wrenches, and she refuses to tell the authorities about viewing the strange abduction, fearing theyâll lock her up.<u></u><u></u></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;"><b>Okay, so premise-wise, this sounds fantastic. But I have a big, big, big question: Why would she not just show the Police the footage? Since that would, at the very least, let them see that she's not hallucinating, but has this abduction belief based on something tangible. I fear we may have a significant problem here, but I'll keep reading to see if it applies.</b></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;"><b>One detail note which may/may not apply: There's actually four versions of Scream, only one of which is in the US. It would be worthwhile to identify if your protag is in a different country than the US.</b></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">On a field trip to the Louvre, she takes matters into her own hands, seizing the opportunity to poke around for unsettling shifts inside other paintings, willing to do anything to uncover a way to retrieve her father. </span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;"><b>So, she is in a different country than the US? You'll need to indicate that at the beginning. International settings are important to some agents, and add flavor, regardless. It's a plus. </b></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;"><b>My question on this blurb point, however, is that if she's willing to do anything, why did she have to wait for a field trip? Why wasn't she actively pursuing access to the paintings? And none of the versions of Scream are at the Louvre, are they? So why would she go there? Why not go to wherever she saw her father be abducted? That would be the logical goal. </b></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">When movement within the <i>Mona Lisa</i> catches her attention, she locks eyes with a guy about her age inside the painting holding a photo belonging to her father. The young man reaches out to her, and when they touch, sheâs transported into the famous art piece. </span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;"><b>So, I love, love, love this idea of being transported into the paintings. In terms of a query however, you don't need to say "a guy about her age". You can just call him a guy, or a strange man, or whatever. I assume he's going to be a love interest (yay!) </b></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;"><b>In terms of the actual writing, rather than "the young man reaches out to her", which is kind of distant and lengthy, I'd go simple and more tactile with something like "When the two touch, she's transported . . . " or something like that. Queries don't have to tell all the detail. We'll see in the book how that happens.</b></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">Ros asks him to guide her through a maze of masterpieces to save her missing father. </span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;"><a href="https://www.blogger.com/null" name="m_7221424324037873244__Hlk486195771" style="color: #222222;"><b><br /></b></a></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;"><b style="color: #222222;">Again, there's nothing <i>wrong </i>with this, but it lacks punch. Try something like "With NAME as her guide, Ros must navigate the maze of masterpieces in search of her father." (We already know he's missing.)</b></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;"><span style="color: #222222;">While exploring, she always finds herself one step behind a shadowy figure lurking within the labyrinth. She must survive and outwit his barrage of traps disguised in each painting, preventing Ros from escaping.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;"><b style="color: #222222;">I think you've missed an opportunity here to give us a really clear picture of the conflict. Mainly because you're telling, rather than showing (which is sometimes necessary in a query, don't get me wrong). But in this case I think you'd really open this query up if you gave an actual example of the person and kind of things she has to outwit--especially if they're very imaginative, or compelling. My advice would be to provide the name or nature of the villain, then take the approach of, "But Ros is forced to endure ACTUAL OBSTACLE at the hands of NAME OF VILLAIN," or "The search becomes deadly when Ros is faced with ACTUAL EXAMPLE OF OBSTACLE," that sort of thing. Like, be specific. </b></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;"><a href="https://www.blogger.com/null" name="m_7221424324037873244__Hlk486089443" style="color: #222222;"><br /></a></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">If she fails to rescue her father before her adversary ensnares her in his ultimate trap, sheâll become art herself, entombed like her father in a nightmarish still life, forever.</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><u></u><u></u></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;"><b>Again, all the right elements, and great stakes, but the phrasing lacks punch. Try something like "Then Ros learns that unless she can (do X), NAME-OF-VILLAIN will entomb Ros and her father forever in the nightmarish still life of the paintings." Or something along those lines. Like, give us a picture of the choice or obstacle she faces and what the stakes will be if she fails.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">VANISHING POINT is a YA contemporary fantasy complete at 74,000 words and has series potential. It would appeal to those who are fans of Brenda Drakeâs, <i>Library Jumper </i>series and Charlie Holmbergâs <i>The Paper Magician</i> series. Iâm a member of SCBWI, a 2016 Nightmare on Query Street mentee, and have also attended LDSTORYMAKERS conference for the past four years.<u></u><u></u></span></div>
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<b style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt;">Ah ha ha! I see what you did there! These are great notes under the circumstances, but be aware that agents will be less impressed by competition mentorships (except for Pitch Wars, of course, which has developed something of a reputation *Insert Winky Face*.) They'll like your comp titles and professional affiliations more.</b></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px;"></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px;"></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px;"></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 16.8px;">Thank you for your time and consideration.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 16.8px;"><b>SUMMARY:</b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I have a hunch that the writing behind this story is much
stronger than the query. You definitely understand what the important elements
of a story are, and where they need to be communicated here. So that's the
hardest obstacle overcome.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "inherit" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Unfortunately, I know if
agents read this they would have the same concerns I do that there might be
issues with a passive protagonist, or passive writing. But your premise is
great, so I suspect you'd get requests anyway. So you need to make sure your
pages <i>sing. </i>And, if applicable, switch the focus of your query
markers at the beginning so Ros sounds like she's pursuing her father's case,
because the Police have dismissed her, rather than that she's waiting around to
get somewhere where she might be able to look into it, and letting someone else
call the shots. </span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "inherit" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I believe if you actioned the notes I've offered here, it will combat that. But if you choose not to, maybe Google "passive versus active writing" and get a feel for what you can do to adjust your phrasing as it's currently written. That will help also.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "inherit" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Either way, good luck!</span></div>
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AimeeLSalterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17763596557256341788noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2622477097361465.post-4986371594205587362017-07-22T00:30:00.000-07:002017-07-22T00:30:22.088-07:00Pitch Wars #SaltyCrit - First 500 Words Mentor Critique<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="color: #222222;">(If you're looking for it, you'll find <a href="http://ow.ly/MQf530dPejQ">my Pitch Wars bio and wishlist here</a>)</span><br />
<span style="color: #222222;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #222222;">A couple brave souls agreed to have the critiques they won from me last week posted on my blog. Let's give them a hand, shall we?</span><br />
<span style="color: #222222;"><br /></span>
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<a href="https://media.giphy.com/media/BQAk13taTaKYw/giphy.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="269" data-original-width="500" height="172" src="https://media.giphy.com/media/BQAk13taTaKYw/giphy.gif" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="color: #222222;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #222222;">The first is a YA fairy tale retelling from the irrepressible (and very funny) Amelia Hollingsworth. She's @AmeliaHWorth on Twitter. And <a href="https://ameliahollingsworth.com/">you can find her blog here </a>where I believe she'll talk about the process of being critiqued, and the revisions she undertook based on this advice.</span><br />
<span style="color: #222222;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #222222;">Now for the critique!</span><br />
<span style="color: #222222;"><br /></span>
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<span style="color: #222222;"><b>CHAPTER 1<o:p></o:p></b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222;">"A spell from the North by the looks of it."
Cookâs hands shook as she gathered a few tarts, some cheeses, and a loaf of
bread. She took the dish cloth draped reliably over her shoulder and laid it in
the center of the table.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="color: #222222;">I love being dropped into the action without preamble,
but because Cook isn't your MC, I think you either need one sentence
immediately before this putting Kate in the setting (Like, she's looking around
to see if anyone is looking for her, or maybe standing in the kitchen at a
fearful loss, which also lets us see where she is), OR you need Kate's
immediate emotional response to Cook's words with the same kind of setting
details. You have all the right character details, but we're getting them in an
emotional and setting vaccum until we get a couple paragraphs in. Setting is
CRITICAL to your opening sentences.</span></b><span style="color: #222222;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222;">Kateâs voice was tight between her sobs. "Can it be
undone?" She watched Cook wrap the lunch in the cloth.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222;">"Black magic can always be undone, Katy." Cook's
fingers fumbled as they tied up the parcel. She placed it in Kateâs open hands.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="color: #222222;">In everything above, give us a touch of sensory detailâthe
callouses on Cookâs hands, or the smells of the kitchen. <o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: #222222;">Perhaps Kate feels cold and you can give us her pebbled
skin, or something like that? <o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: #222222;">Whatever it is, donât wax lyrical. But drop in one detail
with each blocking action to make it all <i>feel
</i>real. <o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<span style="color: #222222;">"How?" Kate asked.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222;">"I don't know,â Cook said, shaking her head. âYou'll
find a way, though. I'm sure of it. But now you need to run." Cook took
Kate by the shoulders. Tears threatened to run down her cheeks and fear creased
deeply in the wrinkles around her eyes.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="color: #222222;">These details are telling. Instead, show the glint of
a tear slipping down her cheek, or the tightness around her eyes that are normally so warm.</span></b><span style="color: #222222;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222;">"You're not safe here. You need to run now. Far
away. Understand?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222;">The hot summer air swelled inside the kitchen.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="color: #222222;">While I think I know what you're going for, I'm not sure, which means I can't feel it. Better if the heat begins to suffocate her so she can't breathe, or the smell of the damp stone turns her stomach. Make it clear, and sensory. Do you see what I mean? Figure out the most powerful sensation of the moment, and describe it through Kate's skin/senses.</span></b><span style="color: #222222;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222;">Annie bleated softly at Kateâs side. The smell of the
surf lingered in the air, and the sound of the waves hummed in her ears.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="color: #222222;">This is really close. But be <i>specific</i>. Instead of "smell" and "sound"
replace with "salt" and "pound" or something like that.
(and in my opinion, you want to give the sound/sense of the sea before this so
it's part of the setting details right at the top because you can work with
that a lot to ground the reader).</span></b><span style="color: #222222;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222;">Away. Far away from ocean breezes and white sand. Far
away from her mother and stepfather. Far away from the warmth of Cookâs kitchen
and the comfort of the court. And farther away still from her stepfather's
influence and friends. Away. Until the memories of homeâand the storiesâwere
all that remained. Kate nodded.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="color: #222222;">All good stuff that hints at the conflict.</span></b><span style="color: #222222;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222;">Cook let go of Kateâs shoulders.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="color: #222222;">Telling again. Let the rough skin of Cook's palms catch
on the fabric of Kate's sleeves as her hands slip away (or whatever). The point
is, make us feel it rather than just understand the blocking.</span></b><span style="color: #222222;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222;">"I'll find another lamb to serve for dinner. That
should buy you a little timeââ<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222;">Annie bleated impatiently.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222;">âA very little time,â Kate repeated aloud.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="color: #222222;">Is Kate repeating what Annie the goat said? If so, make
that a little more certain for the reader. You can do that by having Kate look
at her with a nod, or something to acknowledge the animal so we know for sure
what's going on there. If not, then the use of "repeated" is
confusing. Just have her answer without a tag, or the tag could be "agreed"
or something like that.</span></b><span style="color: #222222;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; mso-pagination: none;">
<span style="color: #222222;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; mso-pagination: none;">
<span style="color: #222222;">Memories unraveled with use. Poor Kate had used the
memory of their flight from home until it was a threadbare story that haunted
more than it consoled.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; mso-pagination: none;">
<b><span style="color: #222222;">I understand that this is important, but I don't
understand what it's actually saying. Is it literal--that memories are a tool
she uses for magic? Or figuratively something she uses as a coping mechanism?
This needs to be very clear. Especially this early, your world building is
crucial. If memories are how she fuels her magic, you need to state that
outright. Every moment the reader is trying to figure something out, they aren't falling into your story.</span></b><span style="color: #222222;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; mso-pagination: none;">
<span style="color: #222222;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; mso-pagination: none;">
<span style="color: #222222;">âIâm sorry, Annie.â The white lamb stood in the mountain
road, chewing on the hem of Kateâs cloak. âOur story is so thick sometimesâŚâ<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; mso-pagination: none;">
<b><span style="color: #222222;">Wait, Iâm confused. I thought they were in the kitchen?
And I thought Kate was talking to Cook?<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; mso-pagination: none;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; mso-pagination: none;">
<span style="color: #222222;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; mso-pagination: none;">
<span style="color: #222222;">Annie stared up at Kate with her obstinate, big brown
eyes.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; mso-pagination: none;">
<span style="color: #222222;">âI get lost in it.â<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; mso-pagination: none;">
<span style="color: #222222;">The lamb tugged at her rope and bleated angrily.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; mso-pagination: none;">
<span style="color: #222222;">Kate ran a hand through her tangled tresses. âYes, I know
you donât like the rope. But as I said before, itâs for appearances only. I
promise.â<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; mso-pagination: none;">
<b><span style="color: #222222;">This is
one of those moments dialogue has the right content, but is phrased in
a way that feels unrealistic. Give it some thought: We rarely say to someone else
"I know you know this thing but I'm going to tell it to you anyway." When we know
someone knows something, we either don't refer to it at all, or only obliquely. So that
phrase "I know/you know" is a huge red flag to me that THE AUTHOR
NEEDS TO TELL THE READER SOMETHING HERE. The fix is simple though. You can
trust the reader to understand if you SHOW it. Have the lamb butt the rope with
her nose, and Kate respond as if that was the words "I don't like
this." So, Lamb butt rope with nose and bleats angrily:</span></b><span style="color: #222222;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; mso-pagination: none;">
<b><span style="color: #222222;">"It's only until we get to X, Annie. People will ask questions otherwise." (Or something like
that that's accurate to what you want the reader to know.)
With a simple sentence you can <u>c</u>lue the reader in to
Annie being different, Kate understanding her, and that they have a relationship much more of equals than of master/property.</span></b><span style="color: #222222;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; mso-pagination: none;">
<span style="color: #222222;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; mso-pagination: none;">
<span style="color: #222222;">Annie snorted and headed straight across the lawn toward
the manor. Her hooves carefully picked out the driest tufts of grass.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; mso-pagination: none;">
<span style="color: #222222;">âYou have to promise not to give us away,â Kate told her.
âYou remember our plan?â<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #222222;">Annie
looked back at Kate, and bleated. The rope was now taut.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; mso-pagination: none;">
<b><span style="color: #222222;">This is all the
right indicators, but it feels a little too pointed. A touch too obvious the
authorâs talking to the reader. Consider what youâd actually say/do if you were
in her shoes and dinât know you had an audience? Youâd probably mutter
something about not giving us away, or scold. But presumably theyâve had this
conversation already, so âyou have to promiseâ and âyou rememberâŚ?â sounds a
little forced. Try to make it more organic and trust the reader to understand
what youâre showing them.<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; mso-pagination: none;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; mso-pagination: none;">
<span style="color: #222222;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; mso-pagination: none;">
<span style="color: #222222;">âYes, Iâm coming,â Kate said. She stood up and shook the
dust off her trousers and cloak.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; mso-pagination: none;">
<span style="color: #222222;">The manor house, planted stoutly at the end of the lawn,
would have been considered a castle if it had taken more architectural risks. A
palace perhaps, if it had more finesse and subtlety. But the lines of the manor
paralleled the plateau and hugged the safety this rare bit of flat land
offered.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; mso-pagination: none;">
<span style="color: #222222;">"Slow down, Annie." Kate tugged on the rope
tied around Annieâs neck.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-pagination: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-pagination: none;">
<b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">Because we have
a cut off, you might already have done this in the upcoming material, but after
âland offeredâ Iâd put in Kateâs intention. Youâve just given us a nice block
of setting so we know where we are. Now show us what Kate wants, where she
thinks sheâs headed, and why. Character intent and motivation drive your story.
They <i>have </i>to be the launching point
for everything else. <o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-pagination: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-pagination: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-pagination: none;">
<b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">SUMMARY:<o:p></o:p></span></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-pagination: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-pagination: none;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">Thereâs some really
solid writing and story elements here. Itâs clear you know your characters and
what they need to be doing/showing the reader. While Iâve nailed you on the
sensory detail, itâs because the rest is strong. So now you need to finesse the
characters and action you have with stronger setting and character intent. I
think if you work on that throughout your manuscript, youâll be surprised how
much stronger it gets, even without any changes to plot or character arc.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-pagination: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-pagination: none;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">I hope this is
helpful, and I hope I get to see more from you in the future. Thanks for being such a great sport!</span></div>
</div>
AimeeLSalterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17763596557256341788noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2622477097361465.post-84704419395688930812017-07-18T17:00:00.000-07:002017-07-18T17:40:07.672-07:00PICK ME, PITCH WARS! My YA Mentor Bio and Wishlist<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
YOU GUYS! IT'S PITCH WARS TIME!<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
I'm Aimee L. Salter, the author of <i><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Every-Ugly-Word-Aimee-Salter-ebook/dp/B00LXCMU7K/">Every Ugly Word</a> </i>(an Amazon #1 Book for Teens) and <i><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Dark-Touch-Aimee-L-Salter-ebook/dp/B0198PZLVA">Dark Touch</a>, </i>both through Alloy Entertainment's newest traditional imprint. I'm a YA mentor, and I can't wait to fall in love with your book!<br />
<br />
This video gives you a pretty clear idea how I work, what process I'll take a mentee through, and what's important to me. But before you spend the time with that, scroll down. Below this video is a list of things I <i>don't </i>want as a mentor. If your manuscript or process fits that list, then you can move on without me wasting your time!<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<iframe allowfullscreen="" class="YOUTUBE-iframe-video" data-thumbnail-src="https://i.ytimg.com/vi/WjRFePfd52M/0.jpg" frameborder="0" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/WjRFePfd52M?feature=player_embedded" width="320"></iframe></div>
<br />
I'm committed to offering as much information to potential mentees as I can at each step (including letting all applicants know if they're in the running <i>before </i>the announcement date--keep reading to see how). But I don't want to waste your time if we aren't a good fit. So first, let's figure out if you <i><b>shouldn't </b></i>apply to me:<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<b><span style="font-size: x-large;">I'm *NOT* the mentor for you if:</span></b><br />
<br />
<b><span style="font-size: large;">You're querying . . . </span></b><br />
<ul style="text-align: left;">
<li>An adult, NA, or MG novel. (I will consider YA with NA crossover.)</li>
<li>Anything with a tragic ending (<i>All the Bright Places</i> ruined me.)</li>
<li>Anything with a character battling cancer (too close to home in my personal life.)</li>
<li>YA Horror (or anything with more than a couple scenes of gore.)</li>
<li>YA Mystery/Thriller/Suspense (only because I don't have enough skills to help with plotting.)</li>
<li>YA High Fantasy or Science Fiction.</li>
<li>YA Historical--<b>with the exception of </b>Regency Romance (See below for more info<i>).</i></li>
<li>YA Speculative Fiction--<b>with the exceptions of romance-heavy paranormal, or magical realism </b>(see below for specifics, but be certain that I'm <i>not </i>the mentor for urban fantasy/creature-centric worlds.)</li>
</ul>
<div>
<b><span style="font-size: large;">OR: </span></b></div>
<ul style="text-align: left;">
<li>If you're a committed pantser who doesn't like to outline, plan revisions, or use craft/structure to mold your story. Because <i>all </i>of my advice is going to center around how your novel can be refined by established story development techniques. (Check out some of my old blog posts on <a href="http://www.aimeelsalter.com/search/label/Critical%20Plot%20Elements">story structure</a> and <a href="http://www.aimeelsalter.com/2013/02/character-development-series-putting-it.html">character development </a>to see what craft approaches I advise writers to use to refine a story). </li>
</ul>
<div>
</div>
Still reading? Awesome! Here's a little get-to-know-me video. But if you can't watch, don't stress!<br />
<b><br /></b><b>All the information you need about my wishlist and preferences are written below. And I'm happy to take questions in the comments, or on Twitter (I don't bite, promise.)</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<br />
<div>
<b><span style="font-size: x-large;">I *AM* the best mentor for you if:</span></b><br />
<br />
<b><span style="font-size: large;">You're querying . . . </span></b></div>
<div>
<ul style="text-align: left;">
<li><b>YA Contemporary Romance</b>, including those with NA crossover. (My favorites are <i>The Sea of Tranquility, My Life Next Door, </i>and <i>Saint Anything.</i></li>
</ul>
<ul style="text-align: left;">
<li><b>YA Dark Romance<i> </i></b>Think Heather Demetrios's <i>Bad Romance, </i>or a firmly YA version of the Dusty duology, <i>Innocents </i>and <i>Delinquents. </i>(If you're not clear on what defines Dark Romance, check out the <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Dark-Touch-Aimee-L-Salter-ebook/dp/B0198PZLVA">free Kindle sample of my book, <i>Dark Touch</i></a>. In short, it's when romance drives the plot, but the character(s) are dealing with extreme issues which are depicted in the story--abuse, addiction, crime, etc. <b>NOTE: </b>To be a romance, it <i>can't </i>have a tragic ending.)</li>
</ul>
<ul style="text-align: left;">
<li><b>YA contemporary "issue books" </b>My favorites are <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Every-Ugly-Word-Aimee-Salter-ebook/dp/B00LXCMU7K">my book, <i>Every Ugly Word </i></a>(though I may be biased), <i>We Need to Talk About Kevin, </i><i>13 Reasons Why, </i>and <i>All the Rage </i>by Courtney Summers. An issue book should have something to say to help readers understand an important issue, <i>without preaching. </i>Personally, I like to see a romantic sub-plot. But I will accept issue books without one.</li>
</ul>
<ul style="text-align: left;">
<li><b>YA Magical Realism </b>I write these too! <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Aimee-L.-Salter/e/B00GDRKKHM/">Read the free kindle samples on my books </a>to get a feel for how magical realism works, (in short, it's set in the real world with a single, fantasy or magical element--usually a magic or power only accessible to the protagonist). Yours doesn't have to work like mine for me to enjoy it. Another excellent example is mentor Katy Karyus Quinn's <i>Down with the Shine.</i></li>
</ul>
<ul style="text-align: left;">
<li><b>YA Paranormal Romance </b>where the characters live in the real world, but there's a magic or power wielded by humans, <b><i>not </i>by creatures or fantasy elements. </b>Good examples are <i>Beautiful Creatures, </i>or <i>The Love that Split the World. </i>(I am <b>not </b>the mentor for your creatures--vampires, werewolves, shifters, dragons, etc--however I <b>will </b>enjoy humans wielding dark <i>powers </i>as the antagonistic force).</li>
</ul>
<ul style="text-align: left;">
<li><b>My outlier is YA Regency Romance </b>It must be genuinely witty, <i>a la </i>a YA version of Julie Anne Long's Penny Royal Green books--my personal favorites are <i>How the Marquess was Won, </i><i>I Kissed an Earl, </i>and <i>To Love a Thief. </i>This is a harder sell, so don't send these to me unless you've really done your research, your manuscript is very polished, and your voice is funny!</li>
</ul>
<ul style="text-align: left;">
<li><b>Romance-centric anything as an #ownvoices, or young writer (under 25 years old).</b> I'm always eager to assist these writers. So if you fit one of those categories and your book is a romance (i.e. the romantic relationship drives the plot), or has a strong romantic sub-plot, please send it to me!</li>
</ul>
<span style="font-size: large;"><b><u>AND:</u></b></span><br />
<ul style="text-align: left;">
<li><b>You're an author who genuinely desires to work hard on a technical level to refine and improve your story. </b>To my mind that means you regularly invite constructive criticism from people who aren't friends/family, and seek out opportunities to learn about the craft of fiction. Your book has been critiqued before, and you know the value of having someone else identify story flaws.</li>
</ul>
</div>
<div>
If you're still reading because you and your book might be a fit for me, give me a few minutes to tell you about myself, and why I can help you:<br />
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<b><span style="font-size: large;">What I Can Do For You:</span></b></div>
<div>
<b><br /></b></div>
<div>
<b>1. </b><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: blue; font-size: large; font-weight: bold;"><u>You'll</u></span><b style="font-size: x-large;"> </b><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">(yep, that's my blue word) </span></span></span><b>know ahead of the announcement if you're in the running to be my mentee (or not)</b></div>
<div>
<b><br /></b></div>
<div>
I'll be on Twitter a <i>lot </i>as I go through the process of narrowing down my pick. Yes, I'll tease, especially with queries. But I'll also offer solid, practical advice to help <i>all </i>potential mentees<br />
<br />
Once I narrow my choice to 2-3, I'll be corresponding with those people to ensure I've got the right vision for each project. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I'll announce on Twitter as soon as I know for sure my mentee is in that pot, and I'm not requesting any further materials. So if you follow my feed, you'll know if I'm going in a different direction <i>before</i> the announcement date. (Or, if you're under consideration, you'll hear from me directly). </div>
<div>
<br />
<br /></div>
<div>
<b>2. I have studied the craft of fiction, so my critiques aren't guesswork--but I respect that it's your book, and your vision:</b></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<div>
<b>Fear not! </b>I won't steal your creative mojo. I've just learned that all stories can be improved by known strategies, and all of my advice will revolve around the structures and techniques I've learned through study. <a href="http://www.aimeelsalter.com/search/label/Critiques%20-%20First%20500">Check out the first 500 word critiques on my blog </a>for some indication how I would work with your manuscript.<br />
<div>
<ul style="text-align: left;"></ul>
<div>
</div>
</div>
<div>
</div>
<b>I plan to do at least two rounds of review with my mentee </b>(an over-arching edit letter, followed by line edits.)<br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>THINGS I'M GOOD AT: </b><br />
<b><br /></b></div>
- Pacing<br />
- Character development.<br />
- Romantic plot/sub-plot development and pacing.<br />
- Emotional connections with the reader.<br />
- Plausibility. Or the lack thereof. (I have a finely-tuned BS-o-meter. You won't get thinly veiled plot vehicles, or unrealistic character reactions/motives past me).<br />
- I'm also a naturally wordy writer who's learned to cut-down word count without losing story.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
But, the good news is, I won't <i>just </i>identify the negative, I'll also highlight what's working.<br />
<br />
<br /></div>
<div>
<b>3. I'm in this for the long-haul, and I'll always be honest with you</b></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
We'll need to work <i>really </i>hard if you want to take the next step in your career. We'll set agreed deadlines for revisions, as well as refining your query. But I'm also here for you down the road with advice on everything from how and when to nudge agents holding your material, to how to conduct yourself on social media in a way that will appeal to publishers. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
If we work together, I will do everything in my power to help you, even if we aren't successful through Pitchwars. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<b>4. I understand what it feels like to be where you are, and I will be your cheering squad: </b></div>
<br />
<div>
I was a Pitch Wars mentee and didn't get in.<br />
<br />
I got an agent in 2010--who left the industry in 2011. I got another agent in 2012 who later became an internationally bestselling author and stopped agenting. </div>
<div>
<br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">I got my first publishing contract as one of three flagship publications for Alloy Entertainment's new PbA imprint in 2014 (then got a contract for a second book with them which was released last year). But I haven't had a new book out in over a year. </span></div>
<div>
<br />
I know the ups and downs of this industry, (my own, and others with different stories) and I'll share my knowledge and experience with you. My advice will always be geared towards helping you take the next step--or finding someone who can, if you go further than I have!<br />
<br />
<b><span style="font-size: large;">If you still have questions or need clarity on any of these points, I'm answering questions on the NEW Pitch Wars forum! <a href="http://pitchwars.proboards.com/thread/6/ama-mentor-aimee-salter-ya">My "Ask Me Anything" thread is here. </a>Or you can tweet me.</span></b></div>
<br />
(Scroll down for query advice, or for the other mentor links to move on to the next blog.)<br />
<br />
<div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjDabRBfB45LKi0E4OmOXLjp6LUXMBPGyzXeogimzcJ8V1GJyAjQw8DI_3e4I2wcHTu9i9FyUzc1g3OeGbPByRvH_xcZv1ZnOM4HPLyScUpDmR7MaBogaC1_pHrzWp1DKLmLJxjsM_1fBc/s1600/Paperback+Release.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1280" data-original-width="960" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjDabRBfB45LKi0E4OmOXLjp6LUXMBPGyzXeogimzcJ8V1GJyAjQw8DI_3e4I2wcHTu9i9FyUzc1g3OeGbPByRvH_xcZv1ZnOM4HPLyScUpDmR7MaBogaC1_pHrzWp1DKLmLJxjsM_1fBc/s200/Paperback+Release.jpg" width="150" /></a></div>
I think that's everything! Jump on my Pitch Wars forum post linked above, or tweet me with your quesitons (I'm @AimeeLSalter - don't miss the "L" in the middle, it's easy to do). I'm here to help!<br />
<br />
And whether we work together or not, I'm really glad you're a part of Pitch Wars, 2017. It's an AMAZING community, and you're going to grow as a writer because of it.<br />
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<br /></div>
</div>
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God bless,</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Aimee<br />
<br />
<br />
<div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>Query advice:</b></span></div>
<div>
The best query gives me a stunning blurb of no more than 250 words, followed by a brief summary of what is important to you in a mentor/mentee relationship.<br />
<br />
A "stunning" blurb, in my opinion...</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<b>...WILL:</b> Introduce protagonist, antagonist, what's at stake, where the conflict lies, and ends with a sense of <i>specific, </i>impending doom. (i.e. I should be able to describe what will happen to the character if they don't succeed in their quest--or if the antagonist succeeds in theirs.) </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<b>...WON'T: </b>Try to introduce the whole cast, explain deeper themes, or summarize your twist ending. And <i>definitely </i>isn't vague.<br />
<b><br /></b><b>Example of vague, </b>"Sarah's darkest secrets rise as she grows closer to Ethan and threaten their relationship . . . " <b>Example of not-vague, </b>"Sarah's trauma over the physical abuse she suffered at the hands of her father makes intimacy with any man feel impossible . . . " That's not a great example, but it gives you an idea of what I mean.)</div>
<br />
<br /></div>
</div>
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AimeeLSalterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17763596557256341788noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2622477097361465.post-81621568021063695842017-06-05T00:30:00.000-07:002017-06-05T00:30:00.189-07:00FINAL Pitch Wars Mentor Critique 22 - First 500 - YA Fantasy<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<b style="background-color: white; color: #505050; font-family: georgia, utopia, "palatino linotype", palatino, serif; font-size: 13.2px;">To skip directly to the material and critique, scroll down to the star divider line. If you'd like to know how I break down a critique, and what I'm looking for, keep reading:</b><br />
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<br />
To help the authors as much as possible, I've critiqued their full first chapter, however I'm only sharing the first 500 words as these can get quite long.</div>
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When critiquing a first chapter, (especially the first 500 words), I'm always searching for these pieces of information. A great book can include all of them right up front. Sometimes one or two need to take longer. But in the first page, or two at most, I should see <i>at least </i>three of these:</div>
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<br />
- <i>Who</i> is the focus of the story?<br />
- <i>Where </i>are they?<br />
- <i>When </i>is it (i.e. what era--is it today? two hundred years ago? not sure?)<br />
- <i>What </i>are they doing?<br />
- <i>Why </i>are they doing it</div>
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And in the first chapter, if not the first 500 words, I want to know what the character's initial goal is. That goal will likely change as they learn more about the situation they're falling into. However, right up front, the character always needs to want something--desperately. And the author needs to communicate to me what that is, and why they might not get it, as quickly as possible. Because that's what tells me why I should care about this story.</div>
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I'm looking for technical expertise--does the author know how to set up a scene? Do they understand backstory and when to include it (and perhaps more importantly, when <i>not </i>to). Is their writing tight and polished, or are there a lot of unnecessary words? Is the author falling into purple prose (over-writing in an attempt to sound good, but actually creating a sense of melodrama which will turn many readers off).</div>
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Beyond that, I'm looking at how I respond as a reader. Am I intrigued? Do I care? Do I want to keep reading?</div>
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So, with all those elements in mind, here we go...</div>
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<span style="font-size: x-large;">********************</span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">ORIGINAL MATERIAL:</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">Not even the summer rain
in New England was warm. I was soaked to the bone, chilled through completely.
As the reality of the choices before me weighed down on me, a jolt of panic hit
me, shivering through my every cell.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">It had been over a month
since my mother or better yet, the incubator kicked me out in a drunken rant. I
could continue going from couch to couch, or I could head to Boston, where Ms.
Mullers, a teacher Iâd known my whole life, promised I could receive the help I
needed. The terror had not quite settled in yet, sitting instead on the
precipice, where it been for the last week. I pulled out my phone and leaned
over it, desperately trying not to get it wet. It was already falling apart.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 9.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">It was 10:45
p.m. and Tracy, my best friend since the third grade, still hadnât shown.
If she didnât appear in the next few minutes, I was getting on the Peter Pan
bus.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 9.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">The bus station was old;
it had not been remodeled since the 1950âs. Large, rusty holes gaped in the
awnings hanging from the back of the building over the front of the buses. The
rain poured through them, giving no cover from the weather. A single
streetlight on the side of the bus station blinded me, so I shielded my eyes
searching for any signs of Tracy. All the windows in the surrounding buildings
were blacked out. </span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 9.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">âIzzy,â Tracy called as
she stepped out of the passenger side of her brother Ericâs car. She hurried
towards me, slashing through the rain puddles.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 9.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">âReally Trace? You had
to involve him?â I huffed under my breath with what I hoped looked like a
smile.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 9.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">âIf that smart ass grin
has anything to do with me being late, blame Eric,â she said when she reached
me.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 9.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">âI wasnât sure you were
coming.â</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 9.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">âIzzy, I wasnât missing
good-bye. Youâre my best friend.â Tracy took a white envelope folded in half
out of her back pocket. âThis is from Mom and Dad. They donât like this, but
they want to make sure youâre going to be okay, plus they paid off your phone
for the year.â</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 9.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">âTrace,â I tried to
interrupt her, but it was no use; it never was.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 9.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">âThis is from me. Itâs
no big deal, but itâs something you can use,â she said as she handed me a small
wrapped package. Tracy twisted her neck toward Eric âUmâŚâ She sucked her lips
in with a gulp of air. âEric wants to talk to you⌠Alone.â Tracyâs face
scrunched up. </span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 9.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">She knew how I felt
about Eric and all that went with him. Did I even want to talk to him? <i>Yes!</i></span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 9.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">âOkay.â</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 9.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">Tracyâs arms wrapped
around me and I wasnât sure I was going to let her go. But I had no other
choice. My other option wasnât a choice; it was hell. I had to move on and
Tracy knew it. She knew if I didnât get out, Iâd be dead in a matter of time.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 9.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-large;"><b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">CRITIQUE (My words in </span></b><b><span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">red
font</span></b></span><b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">)</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></b></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">Not even the summer rain
in New England was warm. I was soaked to the bone, chilled through completely.
As the reality of the choices before me weighed down on me, a jolt of panic hit
me, shivering through my every cell.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">In concept and content,
this is a solid opening. However, itâs over-written. Trust your reader. Your
words are coming across as over-dramatic, rather than simply dramatic. Stark
will work. Donât push yourself. Consider what words youâd use if you were
thinking to yourself about how cold you are. I doubt âmy every cellâ would be on
the list. And statements like âthe reality of my choicesâ have the weight by
themselves. You donât have to add âweighed me downâ to get the idea across. In
fact, the sentence is more powerful without them.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">It had been over a month
since my mother or better yet, the incubator kicked me out in a drunken rant. I
could continue going from couch to couch, or I could head to Boston, where Ms.
Mullers, a teacher Iâd known my whole life, promised I could receive the help I
needed. The terror had not quite settled in yet, sitting instead on the
precipice, where it been for the last week. I pulled out my phone and leaned
over it, desperately trying not to get it wet. It was already falling apart.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">It was 10:45
p.m. and Tracy, my best friend since the third grade, still hadnât shown.
If she didnât appear in the next few minutes, I was getting on the Peter Pan
bus.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">This is good! Your voice
shows without melodrama, and the choices/stakes are here. Well done.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">The bus station was old;
it had not been remodeled since the 1950âs. Large, rusty holes gaped in the
awnings hanging from the back of the building over the front of the buses. The
rain poured through them, giving no cover from the weather. A single
streetlight on the side of the bus station blinded me, so I shielded my eyes
searching for any signs of Tracy. All the windows in the surrounding buildings
were blacked out. </span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 9.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">This is a really solid
setting description. Iâd move it right to the front because it grounds us, then
move into the cold/choices paragraph (pared back). I think youâll be surprised
how much more compelling it is to a fresh reader who doesnât know your story,
because it makes them feel like they know where they are immediately, which
helps their brain fall into the story more quickly.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">âIzzy,â Tracy called as
she stepped out of the passenger side of her brother Ericâs car. She hurried
towards me, slashing through the rain puddles.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 9.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">âReally Trace? You had
to involve him?â I huffed under my breath with what I hoped looked like a
smile.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">A teenager would more
likely use âbringâ than âinvolveâ. Be really careful with your word usage in YA
if you want your characters to feel authentic to the reader. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">âIf that smart ass grin
has anything to do with me being late, blame Eric,â she said when she reached
me.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 9.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">âI wasnât sure you were
coming.â</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 9.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">âIzzy, I wasnât missing
good-bye. Youâre my best friend.â Tracy took a white envelope folded in half
out of her back pocket. âThis is from Mom and Dad. They donât like this, but
they want to make sure youâre going to be okay, plus they paid off your phone
for the year.â</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 9.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">âTrace,â I tried to
interrupt her, but it was no use; it never was.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 9.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">âThis is from me. Itâs
no big deal, but itâs something you can use,â she said as she handed me a small
wrapped package. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Arenât they standing in
the rain? Make this all really grounded by showing them squinting against
raindrops, her pruned fingers as she reaches for the present, etc.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">Tracy twisted her neck
toward Eric <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Consider what a twisted
neck looks like, and how different that is to turning her head. Donât try to
get clever with body language. Just tell it like it is so the words arenât
noticeable.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">âUmâŚâ She sucked her
lips in with a gulp of air. âEric wants to talk to you⌠Alone.â Tracyâs face
scrunched
up. </span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 9.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">She knew how I felt
about Eric and all that went with him. Did I even want to talk to him? <i>Yes!</i></span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 9.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">âOkay.â</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 9.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Ooooooo, great romantic
intrigue.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">Tracyâs arms wrapped
around me <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">You missed an opportunity
to ground the reader hereâif her clothes are wet and sheâs cold, sheâs going to
notice her clothes plastering against her, maybe feel nervous about her friend
getting wet, but also welcome the warmth. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">and I wasnât sure I was
going to let her go. But I had no other choice. My other option wasnât a
choice; it was hell. I had to move on and Tracy knew it. She knew if I didnât
get out, Iâd be dead in a matter of time.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 9.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">âIn a matter of timeâ
sucks the power out of the statement because it makes the ending vague and
possibly avoidable. Stop the sentence at âdeadâ for maximum impact.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: x-large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">SUMMARY:</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">Your opening paragraph
does your writing an injustice. Youâve got solid writing here and, though youâre
missing some chances to make the most of maximizing the power of your opening,
all the right elements, conflict, stakes, and character intent that are so much
harder to teach than line editing your own writing.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">Be encouraged: You donât
need to change any of these pages, just cut back on melodrama, and use more setting
detail to make it all feel real to the reader.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">A couple chapters in,
once the readerâs fallen into the story and feels like theyâre coming to know
your protagonistâs voice, thereâs less need for consistent setting/sensory
detail. But right at the beginning, when the reader is still aware of reading,
you need really succinct, tangible details to bring the readerâs brain into
that sweet spot where the world and people feel real and they forget theyâre
reading and are just seeing it all play across their mind.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">It wonât take much work
to make these opening pages pop and serve that purpose for you, so donât go
overboard in your revisions! If you can offer more sensory detail, and pare
back on purple-prose, youâll have very strong opening pages. And because Iâve
read ahead I know it just keeps getting better from here.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">Well done! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
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<br /></div>
</div>
AimeeLSalterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17763596557256341788noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2622477097361465.post-74631163083667126492017-06-03T00:30:00.000-07:002017-06-03T00:30:09.518-07:00Pitch Wars Early Bird Mentor Critique 21 - QUERY - YA Fantasy<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; color: #505050; font-family: georgia, utopia, "palatino linotype", palatino, serif; font-size: 13.2px;">
<i><b>The First 500 words critique to which this blurb refers can be read <a href="http://www.aimeelsalter.com/2017/05/pitch-wars-early-bird-mentor-critique11.html">here.</a></b></i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i><br /></i>
<i>When I read a query, or query blurb of a story, I'm looking for five major elements communicated crisply, quickly, and clearly:</i></div>
<i style="background-color: white; color: #505050; font-family: georgia, utopia, "palatino linotype", palatino, serif; font-size: 13.2px;"><br style="font-size: 13.2px;" /><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "utopia" , "palatino linotype" , "palatino" , serif; font-size: 13.2px;">Who is the book about, where are they (and when, if applicable)? What does the protagonist want? What's the conflict, and who or what is the antagonistic force? And for your final hook, what </span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "utopia" , "palatino linotype" , "palatino" , serif; font-size: 13.2px;">specific </span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "utopia" , "palatino linotype" , "palatino" , serif; font-size: 13.2px;">obstacle will potentially stop the protagonist from achieving their goal? And what's at stake if they fail?</span></i><br />
<i style="background-color: white; color: #505050; font-family: georgia, utopia, "palatino linotype", palatino, serif; font-size: 13.2px;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "utopia" , "palatino linotype" , "palatino" , serif; font-size: 13.2px;">If a query can outline that in under 250 words, it's a winner. So let's take a look at this query and see how it stacks up:</span></i><br />
<i style="background-color: white; color: #505050; font-family: georgia, utopia, "palatino linotype", palatino, serif; font-size: 13.2px;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "utopia" , "palatino linotype" , "palatino" , serif; font-size: 13.2px;"><br /></span></i>
<span style="font-size: x-large;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">ORIGINAL
MATERIAL:<o:p></o:p></span></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Enterprising sixteen-year-old Bryn knows sheâll
never be an airline mechanic as long as she lives on Eldeyja, an island of
dragons where planes are forbidden. Here, sheâs just the last dragon
whispererâs best friend, and though she and Freyja are like sisters, Bryn wants
more. When the owner of the island's controversial new tourism lodge offers her
a job and a key recommendation to aviation school, she takes itâand hides it
from Freyja, who has been distant and stressed. If Freyja knew, it would only cause
problems.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Brynâs timing couldn't be worse. It soon becomes
obvious the lodge ownerâs using her to get to Freyja and when Freyja finds out
Brynâs secret, it drives a wedge into their rapidly cooling friendship. Hoping
to make amends, Bryn decides sheâll help her friend puzzle out her dadâs latest
suspicious experiments in magical science. But she discovers Freyjaâs dad is up
to more than either of them anticipated: he plans to tamper with a nearby
volcano in a far-fetched bid to protect his daughter from her motherâs grisly
fate.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">To make matters worse, the lodge owner may be luring
dragons onto the property for guests' amusement. Fearing he'll rescind her
recommendation letter, Bryn doesn't turn him in at first. But when her
hesitation leads to a tragedy that fates Freyja to certain death, Bryn must
find a way to save her best friend from the consequences of her own mistakes.
And she must do it before Freyja's father succeeds in his experiments, or he
could set off an explosive volcanic eruption that would change the fabric of
their islandâs magic forever.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">THE PRESERVE, a YA contemporary fantasy complete at
72,000 words, is THE REST OF US JUST LIVE HERE set in a mythical JURASSIC PARK.
I am an editorial intern under Kate Brauning at Entangled Publishing, and have
previously interned with Dystel, Goderich & Bourret and P.S. Literary. My
short stories have appeared in the University of Marylandâs literary journal,
Stylus, and placed in the 2012 and 2015 Jimenez-Porter Literary Competition.
This is my first novel.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: x-large;"><b>CRITIQUE (My words in <span style="color: red;">red font</span>)</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">Enterprising
sixteen-year-old Bryn knows sheâll never be an airline mechanic as long as she
lives on Eldeyja, an island of dragons where planes are forbidden. Here, sheâs
just the last dragon whispererâs best friend, and though she and Freyja are
like sisters, Bryn wants more. When the owner of the island's controversial new
tourism lodge offers her a job and a key recommendation to aviation school, she
takes itâand hides it from Freyja, who has been distant and stressed. If Freyja
knew, it would only cause problems.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">Great opening. And recognizably your first chapter. Good job.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">Brynâs
timing couldn't be worse. It soon becomes obvious the lodge ownerâs using her
to get to Freyja and when Freyja finds out Brynâs secret, it drives a wedge
into their rapidly cooling friendship. Hoping to make amends, Bryn decides sheâll
help her friend puzzle out her dadâs latest suspicious experiments in magical
science. But she discovers Freyjaâs dad is up to more than either of them
anticipated: he plans to tamper with a nearby volcano in a far-fetched bid to
protect his daughter from her motherâs grisly fate.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">Too much detail (or too many words to cover the important details) here.
Weâre getting lost in the weeds. Important information that you need to pare
back to: <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">1. The lodgeâs owner has ulterior motives (try to indicate if he/she
is a villain, or just caught up in something deeper)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">2. Freyjaâs Dad is up to no good.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">3. The potential dissolution of the friendship means itâs harder for
Bryn to figure out whatâs going on.<br />
<!--[if !supportLineBreakNewLine]--><br />
<!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">Start with a sentence that clearly communicates each of those points,
then flesh out anything that <i>needs </i>fleshing.
(Donât fall into the trap of the reader needing to know <i>how </i>these things are discovered. We donât need that in a blurb).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">Iâm hoping the next paragraph will tell me whatâs at stake, and what
stands in Brynâs way of keeping her friendship safe and saving whatever/whoever
needs saving.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">To make
matters worse, the lodge owner may be luring dragons onto the property for
guests' amusement. Fearing he'll rescind her recommendation letter, Bryn
doesn't turn him in at first. But when her hesitation leads to a tragedy that
fates Freyja to certain death, Bryn must find a way to save her best friend
from the consequences of her own mistakes. And she must do it before Freyja's
father succeeds in his experiments, or he could set off an explosive volcanic
eruption that would change the fabric of their islandâs magic forever.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">Plot-wise, this is great. But itâs both too much and not enough for a blurb. Important
points:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">1. Bryn makes a mistake that <i>could
</i>fate Freyja to death. And she has to fix it before . . .<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">2. Freyjaâs father could set off a chain reaction that could destroy
. . . What? Who? We donât know what âchange the fabric of the islandâs magicâ
means. Be specificâwill dragons die? People get hurt? Magic weaken, leading the
people into poverty and possible revolt? Show us the consequences if Bryn doesnât
stop Freyjaâs father). <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">THE
PRESERVE, a YA contemporary fantasy complete at 72,000 words, is THE REST OF US
JUST LIVE HERE set in a mythical JURASSIC PARK. I am an editorial intern under
Kate Brauning at Entangled Publishing, and have previously interned with
Dystel, Goderich & Bourret and P.S. Literary. My short stories have
appeared in the University of Marylandâs literary journal, Stylus, and placed
in the 2012 and 2015 Jimenez-Porter Literary Competition. This is my first
novel.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">Great, succinct experience paragraph! Donât change a thing! (And
your writing reflects this experience too, which is even better). <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<b><span style="font-size: x-large;">SUMMARY:</span><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "" serif "" , "serif"; font-size: 13.5pt;">Your query, as with your First 500, shows skill
and an ability to stay on track. However, youâre losing sight of what will
compel a reader to want to open the book (or manuscript) and see how it all
pans out: Whatâs at stake if she fails?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "" serif "" , "serif"; font-size: 13.5pt;">If you pare back your second paragraph slightly
and revise your third to focus on the danger/conflict and what will happen to
Bryn if she fails at saving Freyja/stopping Freyjaâs father (get specific!)
then this query will be very successful.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "" serif "" , "serif"; font-size: 13.5pt;">Trust the reader not to need the tiny details at
this point, but the over-arching sense of doom, and fear of failure. Thatâs
what will make people go âHmmmmm, that sounds interestingâŚ.â And open the book
to get lost in it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "" serif "" , "serif"; font-size: 13.5pt;">All of that said, donât be discouraged. Your
writing is strong and your query only needs tweakingâdonât throw the baby out
with the bathwater. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "" serif "" , "serif"; font-size: 13.5pt;">I believe if you get this query right, youâll
gain a lot of requests in Pitch Wars / from agents.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "" serif "" , "serif"; font-size: 13.5pt;">Good luck!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
</div>
AimeeLSalterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17763596557256341788noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2622477097361465.post-30658466469353136112017-06-02T00:30:00.000-07:002017-06-08T08:54:58.775-07:00Pitch Wars Early Bird Mentor Critique 20 - First 500 - Science Fiction<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<b style="background-color: white; color: #505050; font-family: georgia, utopia, "palatino linotype", palatino, serif; font-size: 13.2px;">To skip directly to the material and critique, scroll down to the star divider line. If you'd like to know how I break down a critique, and what I'm looking for, keep reading:</b><br />
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</div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "utopia" , "palatino linotype" , "palatino" , serif;"><br /></span>To help the authors as much as possible, I've critiqued their full first chapter, however I'm only sharing the first 500 words as these can get quite long.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #505050; font-family: georgia, utopia, "palatino linotype", palatino, serif; font-size: 13.2px;">
When critiquing a first chapter, (especially the first 500 words), I'm always searching for these pieces of information. A great book can include all of them right up front. Sometimes one or two need to take longer. But in the first page, or two at most, I should see <i>at least </i>three of these:</div>
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<br />
- <i>Who</i> is the focus of the story?<br />
- <i>Where </i>are they?<br />
- <i>When </i>is it (i.e. what era--is it today? two hundred years ago? not sure?)<br />
- <i>What </i>are they doing?<br />
- <i>Why </i>are they doing it</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #505050; font-family: georgia, utopia, "palatino linotype", palatino, serif; font-size: 13.2px;">
And in the first chapter, if not the first 500 words, I want to know what the character's initial goal is. That goal will likely change as they learn more about the situation they're falling into. However, right up front, the character always needs to want something--desperately. And the author needs to communicate to me what that is, and why they might not get it, as quickly as possible. Because that's what tells me why I should care about this story.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #505050; font-family: georgia, utopia, "palatino linotype", palatino, serif; font-size: 13.2px;">
I'm looking for technical expertise--does the author know how to set up a scene? Do they understand backstory and when to include it (and perhaps more importantly, when <i>not </i>to). Is their writing tight and polished, or are there a lot of unnecessary words? Is the author falling into purple prose (over-writing in an attempt to sound good, but actually creating a sense of melodrama which will turn many readers off).</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #505050; font-family: georgia, utopia, "palatino linotype", palatino, serif; font-size: 13.2px;">
Beyond that, I'm looking at how I respond as a reader. Am I intrigued? Do I care? Do I want to keep reading?</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #505050; font-family: georgia, utopia, "palatino linotype", palatino, serif; font-size: 13.2px;">
So, with all those elements in mind, here we go...<br />
<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #505050; font-family: georgia, utopia, "palatino linotype", palatino, serif; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-large;">********************</span></div>
<br />
<b><span style="font-size: x-large;">ORIGINAL MATERIAL</span></b><br />
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">Before I open my eyes, I
know Iâm not in my bedroom anymore.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">The air reeks of mildew,
and itâs cold. Much colder than I normally keep my apartment. Goose bumps cover
my skin, and my usual five layers of blankets are gone. Thereâs a steady ping
of dripping water echoing across the room, one by one. Drip by drip.
Somethingâs very wrong. I donât have a sink in my bedroom.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">I moan and cover my
sleepy eyes from the assaulting light, much too bright for what my windows will
let in. What day is it? Where am? I shift to the left, trying to get my legs
over the edge of the bed, and the springs under me creak in protest. Thatâs
wrong, too. My bed only creaks when I roll over.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">My wrists itch, but when
I scratch I donât get skin. Itâs grainy and hard material. I blink once at the
black leather cuffed over them, chains hanging down. I understand some people
have their preferences. But Iâm not one to sleep with chains.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">I pull myself up to
sitting, and my head spins in response. Concrete walls surround me, except for
the cell gate on the other side of the room. This isnât my room. This isnât my
home.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">Itâs a prison cell.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">Itâs much quieter than I
imagined. The leaky faucet is the only noise in the bright hallway that makes
my head pound. I sway back and forth, stomping a foot on the ground to make it
stop. Itâs eerie. And I need to figure out where I am.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;"> âHello?â My voice
squeaks out dry and raspy. The effort makes me nauseous. I clear my throat and
try again. It comes out louder this time, but still hoarse.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">In the cell across the
hall thereâs movement, the creaking of a bed and the clink of chains. Iâm not
alone. Thatâs a good thing, I think. A bald man limps to the iron cell gate,
blood shot eyes peeking out against flaky skin. He stares without blinking.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">âHi, can you yell me
where we are?â I shift on the bed in slow, concentrated movements. Any faster
and Iâll lose my balance. I need water. Something to make my head stop
spinning. I swear there are colors swirling around me, the yellows and reds
floating together. I must have hit my head very hard.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">The man blinks twice,
tilting his head. I stand, the cold floor helping my find my balance before I
swallow my fear and walk closer to the gate. Heâs only human. He wonât bite.
But heâs silent. The manâs cheeks are sunken, and his bony legs are shaking.
Rather, all of him is.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">âSir, are you okay?â I
ask, shaking my head to bring him into focus. He bares his teeth and growls
before convulsing to the floor. Heâs seizing, and thereâs no one here.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">âHelp, someone, we need
help,â I scream down the empty halls, the effort making another dizzy spell
come on. I grip the cold bars, pressing my forehead to it to help me focus. The
man isnât moving anymore. But there are pounding feet above us. Someoneâs
coming to help. Someoneâs coming to tell me where I am.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: x-large;"><b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">CRITIQUE (My words in </span></b><b><span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">red font</span></b><b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">):<o:p></o:p></span></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">Before I open my eyes, I
know Iâm not in my bedroom anymore.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Excellent succinct
opening, with a hint of doom or curiosity. Good!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">The air reeks of mildew,
and itâs cold. Much colder than I normally keep my apartment. Goose bumps cover
my skin, and my usual five layers of blankets are gone. Thereâs a steady ping
of dripping water echoing across the room, one by one. Drip by drip.
Somethingâs very wrong. I donât have a sink in my bedroom.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Definitely doom. Also
great. I hope weâll move into <i>seeing </i>the
surroundings next.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">I moan and cover my
sleepy eyes from the assaulting light, much too bright for what my windows will
let in. What day is it? Where am? I shift to the left, trying to get my legs
over the edge of the bed, and the springs under me creak in protest. Thatâs
wrong, too. My bed only creaks when I roll over.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">âWhat my windows will let inâ
is clunky. Iâd cut it back to âMy roomâ
or something simple like that.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">It also feels like her
natural first question would be âwhere am I?â then as she got her bearings
sheâd realize sheâs lost time and start asking herself how she got there, and
how long sheâs been there.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">My wrists itch, but when
I scratch I donât get skin. Itâs grainy and hard material. I blink once at the
black leather cuffed over them, chains hanging down. I understand some people
have their preferences. But Iâm not one to sleep with chains.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">A hint of humor without
overpowering the doom. Well delivered!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">I pull myself up to
sitting, and my head spins in response. Concrete walls surround me, except for
the cell gate on the other side of the room. This isnât my room. This isnât my
home.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">Itâs a prison cell.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Dun! Dun! Duuuuuuuuuuuuun!
(Thatâs code for, this is great).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">Itâs much quieter than I
imagined. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Sheâs imagined a prison
cell? Seems odd. Unless your next statement tells us why she would have
imagined ending up here, it might be better for her just to observe that itâs
quiet.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">The leaky faucet is the
only noise in the bright hallway that makes my head pound. I sway back and
forth, stomping a foot on the ground to make it stop. Itâs eerie. And I need to
figure out where I am.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Weâve had the faucet too
many times, itâs lost itâs impact. Preferably give another sensory detail. Or,
if thatâs the only one you can reveal yet, change it up with onomatopoeia or by
describing the sound itself, rather than its source.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;"> âHello?â My voice
squeaks out dry and raspy. The effort makes me nauseous. I clear my throat and
try again. It comes out louder this time, but still hoarse.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">In the cell across the hall
thereâs movement, the creaking of a bed and the clink of chains. Iâm not alone.
Thatâs a good thing, I think. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Seems like the natural
response would be a shot of fear, underlined by hope. Sheâs just woken in a
strange place and doesnât know how she got there. Any new unknown is going to
cause heartrate to increase, or skin to prickle, or adrenalin to flowâwhatever
you choose, give that sensory detail, along with her <i>hope </i>that itâs a good thing.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">A bald man limps to the
iron cell gate, blood shot eyes peeking out against flaky skin. He stares
without blinking.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">âHi, can you yell me
where we are?â <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Typo. Not the end of the
world, but better if you can cut them all out.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">I shift on the bed in
slow, concentrated movements. Any faster and Iâll lose my balance. I need
water. Something to make my head stop spinning. I swear there are colors
swirling around me, the yellows and reds floating together. I must have hit my
head very hard.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Why isnât she asking how
she got here? If she already knows, the reader at minimum needs to know she
knew this was possible, even if you donât tell them the specifics of why, yet.
And if she was clueless, you need to have her ask the question. Itâs noticeably
missing.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">The man blinks twice, tilting
his head. I stand, the cold floor helping my find my balance before I swallow
my fear and walk closer to the gate. Heâs only human. He wonât bite. But heâs
silent. The manâs cheeks are sunken, and his bony legs are shaking. Rather, all
of him is.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">âSir, are you okay?â I
ask, shaking my head to bring him into focus. He bares his teeth and growls
before convulsing to the floor. Heâs seizing, and thereâs no one here.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">âHelp, someone, we need
help,â I scream down the empty halls, the effort making another dizzy spell
come on. I grip the cold bars, pressing my forehead to it to help me focus. The
man isnât moving anymore. But there are pounding feet above us. Someoneâs
coming to help. Someoneâs coming to tell me where I am.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Excellent! I want to keep
reading!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></b></div>
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<br /></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">SUMMARY: </span></span></b></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">Your first 500 words are
very well-woven and definitely have the intrigue and sense of danger that will
keep readers turning pages. Just make sure you have your character asking the
questions the reader would ask themselves in that situation, <i>or, </i>if thereâs stuff the reader needs to
learn about this situation (i.e. that our protagonist is a rebel and it was
only a matter of time until she was found out and arrested) then have her give
the reader the assurance that thereâs a good reason sheâs not asking thatâit
will actually add to your sense of mystery, because it adds a question: What
kind of life does he/she lead that thatâs something they have to imagine?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">The ending of these
first 500 words also makes me want to keep turning pages and learn where we are
and whatâs going on, so well done. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">In short, your premise is intriguing, and while there's work to do on your dialogue, etc, you're definitely onto something special here. Keep going!</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<br />
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">All in all, a very
strong opening! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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AimeeLSalterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17763596557256341788noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2622477097361465.post-83574787173696410202017-06-01T00:30:00.001-07:002017-06-02T08:12:09.980-07:00Pitch Wars Early Bird Mentor Critique 19 - QUERY - YA/NA Contemporary<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; color: #505050; font-family: georgia, utopia, "palatino linotype", palatino, serif; font-size: 13.2px;">
<i>When I read a query, or query blurb of a story, I'm looking for five major elements communicated crisply, quickly, and clearly:</i></div>
<i style="background-color: white; color: #505050; font-family: georgia, utopia, "palatino linotype", palatino, serif; font-size: 13.2px;"><br style="font-size: 13.2px;" /><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "utopia" , "palatino linotype" , "palatino" , serif; font-size: 13.2px;">Who is the book about, where are they (and when, if applicable)? What does the protagonist want? What's the conflict, and who or what is the antagonistic force? And for your final hook, what </span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "utopia" , "palatino linotype" , "palatino" , serif; font-size: 13.2px;">specific </span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "utopia" , "palatino linotype" , "palatino" , serif; font-size: 13.2px;">obstacle will potentially stop the protagonist from achieving their goal? And what's at stake if they fail?</span></i><br />
<i style="background-color: white; color: #505050; font-family: georgia, utopia, "palatino linotype", palatino, serif; font-size: 13.2px;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "utopia" , "palatino linotype" , "palatino" , serif; font-size: 13.2px;">If a query can outline that in under 250 words, it's a winner. So let's take a look at this query and see how it stacks up:</span></i><br />
<br />
Dear [Mr/Mrs. Agent],</div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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All eighteen-year-old aspiring chef Josie Fulton wants is
out. Out of her house with her overbearing mother and joke of a stepfather. Out
of her small town, where no one appreciates her one-of-a-kind recipes. And, if
sheâs being honest with herself, out of Arkansas altogether, where the only
thing that ever happens is the University of Arkansas Razorbacks losing another
football game. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<span style="color: red;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: red;">Great opening that lets us into your
characterâs major motivation. Iâm hoping to see conflict and stakes in the next
paragraph.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
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<o:p><br /></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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Her dream is almost a reality when sheâs accepted to the
Blue Ribbon Classe de Patisserie e Chefeasure culinary school in Paris. But a
pricey school 4,500 miles away is a hard sell to her former sorority president
mother, who is convinced Josie needs a social education as much as an academic
one. Josie is forced to sign a deal with the devil - if she can survive her
freshman year at Ozark University and pledge a sorority, her mother will pay
for her culinary school tuition. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<span style="color: red;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: red;">Interesting premise. Iâll be honest, though, as written, it doesnât feel like a sacrifice?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<o:p><br /></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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At first, Greek life is everything Josie thought it would be
- lame parties full of shallow, stupid people. But the more time she spends
with her energetic Big Sis and James, a Kappa Beta with an uneven smile and
surprisingly good taste in food and music, the more she finds herself feeling
at home wearing her letters. She even begins to consider choosing a culinary
school closer to home. But when Josie learns the truth of who is really pulling
the strings in her Greek relationships, she must decide whatâs worth fighting
for - her dreams or her newfound friends. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<span style="color: red;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: red;">I know, because I write books, that
youâve probably got a really great, layered character and high emotional stakes
in this story. However, the early promise of emotion in your first paragraph
dilutes with each paragraph as it goes.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: red;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: red;">To create a sense of real drama, I
think you need two things:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="color: red; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="color: red; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">1.<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="color: red;">Cut some of the multiple
things sheâd like to change in the first paragraph and give us some insight
into why sheâs the last person whoâd want to be in a sorority (is she a tomboy?
Does she hate her mother? Is she fighting against the stereotype of good looks
means no brains â something that invests us in her not entering the vapid world
of a sorority). <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="color: red; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 2.<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="color: red;">Rather than the vague âwhoâs
really pulling the strings in her Greek relationshipsâ, be more specific. Does
she think the guy she likes is essentially being bribed to stick close to her?
Or is there some other element to the story we arenât aware of that puts her at
a disadvantage? Basically, create an impending sense of lossâand be specific
about whatâs at stake if her fears are founded.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: red;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: red;">With those elements in place, this
query will be stellar because your writingâs succinct and you have all the
right progression. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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PITCH PERFECT meets GREEK, PLEDGED, a young adult
contemporary is complete at 70,000 words. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<span style="color: red;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: red;">Just a niggle: I thought the name of
the second comp was âGREEK, PLEDGEDâ and had to reread a couple times. Try âPITCH
PERFECT meets GREEK in PLEDGED, a young adult . . . .â<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: red;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: red;">My bigger concern is that that this isnât
the query for a YA. It an NA book, unless youâve misrepresented it. Set in
college and dealing with that world takes it out of YA by all the advice Iâve
been given. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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Thank you for your time and consideration. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Best regards, <o:p></o:p></div>
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Amy Oliver<o:p></o:p></div>
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<span style="color: red;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: red;">SUMMARY:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: red;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: red;">A very well-written query and a
clear and concise blurb. What youâre missing isnât talent, but stakes. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: red;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: red;">If you can make the reader feel
concern for Josieâand wonder how bad this is all going to be, your query will
be immensely successful.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: red;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: red;">Seriously, while Iâve given a couple
big notes, in truth this is very well done and you should be proud of it. But I
think youâll have more success pitching it as NA, and if you can sharpen the
sense of sacrifice and conflict.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: red;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: red;">Those changes wonât need more than
3-4 sentences to make this really pop, so donât throw the baby out with the
bathwater. Itâs very, very close to being perfect.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
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<span style="color: red;">Good luck!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br /></div>
AimeeLSalterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17763596557256341788noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2622477097361465.post-657533077225635552017-05-31T00:30:00.001-07:002017-05-31T00:30:04.059-07:00Pitch Wars Early Bird Mentor Critique 18 - First 500 - YA Fantasy<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<br />
<b style="background-color: white; color: #505050; font-family: Georgia, Utopia, "Palatino Linotype", Palatino, serif; font-size: 13.2px;">To skip directly to the material and critique, scroll down to the star divider line. If you'd like to know how I break down a critique, and what I'm looking for, keep reading:</b><br />
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</div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "utopia" , "palatino linotype" , "palatino" , serif;"><br /></span>To help the authors as much as possible, I've critiqued their full first chapter, however I'm only sharing the first 500 words as these can get quite long.</div>
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<div style="background-color: white; color: #505050; font-family: Georgia, Utopia, "Palatino Linotype", Palatino, serif; font-size: 13.2px;">
When critiquing a first chapter, (especially the first 500 words), I'm always searching for these pieces of information. A great book can include all of them right up front. Sometimes one or two need to take longer. But in the first page, or two at most, I should see <i>at least </i>three of these:</div>
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<br />
- <i>Who</i> is the focus of the story?<br />
- <i>Where </i>are they?<br />
- <i>When </i>is it (i.e. what era--is it today? two hundred years ago? not sure?)<br />
- <i>What </i>are they doing?<br />
- <i>Why </i>are they doing it</div>
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<div style="background-color: white; color: #505050; font-family: Georgia, Utopia, "Palatino Linotype", Palatino, serif; font-size: 13.2px;">
And in the first chapter, if not the first 500 words, I want to know what the character's initial goal is. That goal will likely change as they learn more about the situation they're falling into. However, right up front, the character always needs to want something--desperately. And the author needs to communicate to me what that is, and why they might not get it, as quickly as possible. Because that's what tells me why I should care about this story.</div>
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I'm looking for technical expertise--does the author know how to set up a scene? Do they understand backstory and when to include it (and perhaps more importantly, when <i>not </i>to). Is their writing tight and polished, or are there a lot of unnecessary words? Is the author falling into purple prose (over-writing in an attempt to sound good, but actually creating a sense of melodrama which will turn many readers off).</div>
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Beyond that, I'm looking at how I respond as a reader. Am I intrigued? Do I care? Do I want to keep reading?</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #505050; font-family: Georgia, Utopia, "Palatino Linotype", Palatino, serif; font-size: 13.2px;">
So, with all those elements in mind, here we go...</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #505050; font-family: Georgia, Utopia, "Palatino Linotype", Palatino, serif;">
<span style="font-size: x-large;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #505050; font-family: Georgia, Utopia, "Palatino Linotype", Palatino, serif; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-large;">********************</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;"><b><span style="font-size: x-large;">ORIGINAL MATERIAL </span></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Patience has never been been my virtue.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">Somehow, I manage to resign myself to boredom and listen to voices
in passing, </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">flies hovering over
fish</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;"> rotting in crates o</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">f crushed ice</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">, screaming </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">hawkers desperate to make a few copper
coins. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">It isnât like I have much to do besides wait. Might as well pass
time. I turn my head and concentrate.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: justify; text-indent: 27.0pt; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">Patterns in footsteps, the direction of a scurrying mouse, the friction
of clothing rubbing against skin, the sound of sweat as it beads along
hairlines. </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: justify; text-indent: 27.0pt; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">The hours drag by at snail speed, or at least it feels that way,
until I hear the clip-clop of iron
hitting the ground. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: justify; text-indent: 27.0pt; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">S</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">oldiers on horseback are galloping beneath the market gate</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">. <i>Finally.</i> </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">They</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;"> look at the stalls, ready to stop the sale of contraband goods.
Their bays are small, but swift; they handle long marches and are quicker in
battle than larger horses. So perfectly under command, their riders have little
use for reins. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: justify; text-indent: 27.0pt; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Only the best for Zhu military. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: justify; text-indent: 27.0pt; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">I hone in on</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;"> the conversation between the two men in the lead. I canât look at
their faces as they speak, because theyâre riding down the street ahead of me,
but I <i>can </i>block out ambient noises
and single out their voices, even with the din of the market. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: justify; text-indent: 27.0pt; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">âThey are saying in town that Silent Raven is causing trouble
again,â the lieutenant says.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: justify; text-indent: 27.0pt; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">âPut your mind at ease,â General Sheng says. âWeâve disbanded the
Yellow Turbans. Repelled the Boxers. Tamed the White Lotus Bandits. Itâs only one
girl in a mask who flashes an indestructible blade, as they say. I canât swear
as to the swordâIâve never seen it. But Silent Raven bleeds like every other
criminal weâve eliminated.â<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: justify; text-indent: 27.0pt; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">âGeneral, she terrorized our outpost in Taiâan City. Raided the
camps, robbed the payroll, and freed the prisoners. A soldier who escaped
claims she immobilized the men with a single syllable and a point of her
finger. Somehow, the raven has learned Taoist spells. She knows the magical
arts.â</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 200%;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: justify; text-indent: 27.0pt; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">âAre you an owl, lieutenant?â General Sheng says. âUnable to see
beyond the end of your own crooked nose? The girl must have a place where she
eats and sleeps. When sheâs not attacking or spying. Weâll trail the raven back
to her nest, burst in on her while sheâs resting, and catch her.â</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: justify; text-indent: 27.0pt; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">If you can.</span></i><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;"> I smile beneath my mask</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">. Itâs cute when
people try to sound dangerous.</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: justify; text-indent: 27.0pt; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">Standing on the edge of a tavern, a mane o</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">f black flies out
behind me. It matches the color of my robe, which flaps </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">in the breeze like a </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">flag of victory.</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;"> </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">The Sword of Integrity is strapped to my
back, a heavy but comforting weight. </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: justify; text-indent: 27.0pt; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">I </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">take a flying leap from one pagoda-style roof to the next, my feet
moving soundlessly on the brown-tiled eaves. No one sees me. No one thinks to
look up. Not a soul in this heat. At high noon, the air is hot enough to ignite
dust. The oppressive sun pours out its brilliant oranges and reds over my inky
hair, which enshrouds my face and most of my body. It lies poker straight, yet
it moves like tall reeds of grass with the wind blowing gently.</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: justify; text-indent: 27.0pt; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: justify; text-indent: 27.0pt; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: justify; text-indent: 27.0pt; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-size: x-large;"><b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">CRITIQUE (My words in
</span></b><b><span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">red font</span></b></span><b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">):</span><o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: justify; text-indent: 27.0pt; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Patience has never been been my virtue. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: justify; text-indent: 27.0pt; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">Somehow, I manage to resign myself to boredom and listen to voices
in passing, </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">flies hovering over
fish</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;"> rotting in crates o</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">f crushed ice</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">, screaming </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">hawkers desperate to make a few copper
coins. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: justify; text-indent: 27.0pt; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: justify; text-indent: 27.0pt; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";"><span style="font-size: large;">Your descriptiveness here is great. But weâre missing the framework
to place these evocative images, so they happen in a vacuum. Start wide and
then bring these into focus. It could be as easy as âwandering down the dirt
streetâ, or âslipping between people in the marketplaceââjust something to
gives us the wider setting.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: justify; text-indent: 27.0pt; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: justify; text-indent: 27.0pt; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: justify; text-indent: 27.0pt; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">It isnât like I have much to do besides wait. Might as well pass
time. I turn my head and concentrate.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: justify; text-indent: 27.0pt; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Patterns in footsteps, the direction of a scurrying mouse, the friction
of clothing rubbing against skin, the sound of sweat as it beads along
hairlines. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: justify; text-indent: 27.0pt; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: justify; text-indent: 27.0pt; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";"><span style="font-size: large;">I gather youâre trying to create the impression of the narrative
character logging extraordinary sensory details (i.e. greater hearing than we
have). Which is great character and world-building. However, the transition
between internal narration and listing the stimulus is jarring. You need to
indicate to the reader, in a way that suits your voice, that youâre switching
from thought to sensation.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: justify; text-indent: 27.0pt; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: justify; text-indent: 27.0pt; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">The hours drag by at snail speed, or at least it feels that way,
until I hear the clip-clop of iron
hitting the ground. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: justify; text-indent: 27.0pt; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">S</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">oldiers on horseback are galloping beneath the market gate</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: justify; text-indent: 27.0pt; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: justify; text-indent: 27.0pt; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i><span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">Very </span></i><span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">nit-picky line-editing
note, because your writing is strong enough that itâs worth going to this
level: The was/are *ing construction is passive. Instead of âare gallopingâ,
just use âgallopâ. If you do this everywhere in your manuscript you not only
lower your wordcount, but make your prose more active, and thus more
compelling.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: justify; text-indent: 27.0pt; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: justify; text-indent: 27.0pt; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;"> <i>Finally.</i> </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">They</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;"> look at the stalls, ready to stop the sale of contraband goods.
Their bays are small, but swift; they handle long marches and are quicker in
battle than larger horses. So perfectly under command, their riders have little
use for reins. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: justify; text-indent: 27.0pt; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Only the best for Zhu military. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: justify; text-indent: 27.0pt; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: justify; text-indent: 27.0pt; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";"><span style="font-size: large;">Great world-building.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: justify; text-indent: 27.0pt; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: justify; text-indent: 27.0pt; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">I hone in on</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;"> the conversation between the two men in the lead. I canât look at
their faces as they speak, because theyâre riding down the street ahead of me,
but I <i>can </i>block out ambient noises
and single out their voices, even with the din of the market. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: justify; text-indent: 27.0pt; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: justify; text-indent: 27.0pt; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";"><span style="font-size: large;">Great character-building!<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: justify; text-indent: 27.0pt; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: justify; text-indent: 27.0pt; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">âThey are saying in town that Silent Raven is causing trouble
again,â the lieutenant says.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: justify; text-indent: 27.0pt; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">âPut your mind at ease,â General Sheng says. âWeâve disbanded the
Yellow Turbans. Repelled the Boxers. Tamed the White Lotus Bandits. Itâs only one
girl in a mask who flashes an indestructible blade, as they say.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: justify; text-indent: 27.0pt; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: justify; text-indent: 27.0pt; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";"><span style="font-size: large;">This is the first sentence that doesnât ring authentic to me âjust
one girl with an indestructible bladeâ, then ending with âas they sayâ, when
clearly both have heard these stories.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: justify; text-indent: 27.0pt; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";"><span style="font-size: large;">First, true soldiers donât laugh off that kind of weapon if itâs
real. He can demonstrate bravado, even stupidity. But the phrasing feels off.
Seems more realistic that he would poo-poo the rumors as superstition or
wishful thinkingâmock the people for being scared of a little girl.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: justify; text-indent: 27.0pt; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";"><span style="font-size: large;">Secondly, âas they sayâ means âwe both know this, but the author
wants to tell it to the reader, so Iâm going to tell it to you.â Strike it.
When people talk about things they both know, they donât say things like this.
They just talk about it. Use internal narration to fill in any blanks the
soldiers imply because they are both clued in.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: justify; text-indent: 27.0pt; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: justify; text-indent: 27.0pt; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: justify; text-indent: 27.0pt; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"> I canât swear as to the swordâIâve
never seen it. But Silent Raven bleeds like every other criminal weâve
eliminated.â<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: justify; text-indent: 27.0pt; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">âGeneral, she terrorized our outpost in Taiâan City. Raided the
camps, robbed the payroll, and freed the prisoners. A soldier who escaped
claims she immobilized the men with a single syllable and a point of her
finger. Somehow, the raven has learned Taoist spells. She knows the magical
arts.â<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: justify; text-indent: 27.0pt; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: justify; text-indent: 27.0pt; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";"><span style="font-size: large;">This is great world-building and Iâm definitely intrigued. But
thereâs a clunkiness to this because youâre using two people who know the
information to tell each other the information.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: justify; text-indent: 27.0pt; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";"><span style="font-size: large;">Find a way to make it more organic. âSuch and such claimed she did
X.â âOh? Well, I heard this-and-that say she did Y, so which is true?â
âProbably neither.â âMaybe both?â âDoesnât matterâif I find her, she bleeds
just like the rest of them.â<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: justify; text-indent: 27.0pt; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";"><span style="font-size: large;">Trust your reader to read between the lines (no pun intended)<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: justify; text-indent: 27.0pt; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: justify; text-indent: 27.0pt; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: justify; text-indent: 27.0pt; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">âAre you an owl, lieutenant?â General Sheng says. âUnable to see
beyond the end of your own crooked nose? The girl must have a place where she
eats and sleeps. When sheâs not attacking or spying. Weâll trail the raven back
to her nest, burst in on her while sheâs resting, and catch her.â</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: justify; text-indent: 27.0pt; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: justify; text-indent: 27.0pt; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;"><span style="font-size: large;">Must say, itâs very convenient that she happens to be here to hear
this conversation. Maybe set it up in such a way that she has learned a
specific general or someone of importance has a messenger waiting here for the
soldiers, to fill them in, and thatâs why sheâs waitingâto hear what the
message is. It shows her strategic thoughtfulnessâand gives them an organic
reason to discuss this. Otherwise, why didnât they have this conversation
before they reached the place they know she is? Strategically, theyâre a bit
dimâwhich makes them weak adversaries, which minimizes the power implied to
her.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: justify; text-indent: 27.0pt; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: justify; text-indent: 27.0pt; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">If you can.</span></i><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;"> I smile beneath my mask</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">. Itâs cute when
people try to sound dangerous.</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: justify; text-indent: 27.0pt; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: justify; text-indent: 27.0pt; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;"><span style="font-size: large;">The irony is, sheâs mocking them for doing exactly what sheâs just
done.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: justify; text-indent: 27.0pt; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: justify; text-indent: 27.0pt; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: justify; text-indent: 27.0pt; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">Standing on the edge of a tavern, a mane o</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">f black flies out
behind me. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: justify; text-indent: 27.0pt; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: justify; text-indent: 27.0pt; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";"><span style="font-size: large;">This doesnât make sense. I had to re-read it three times. Iâm still
not sure if itâs real or metaphor.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">It matches the color of my robe, which flaps </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">in the breeze like a </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">flag of victory.</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;"> </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">The Sword of Integrity is strapped to my
back, a heavy but comforting weight. </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">I </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">take a flying leap from one pagoda-style roof to the next, my feet
moving soundlessly on the brown-tiled eaves. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">No one sees me. No one thinks to look up. Not a soul in this heat.
At high noon, the air is hot enough to ignite dust. The oppressive sun pours
out its brilliant oranges and reds over my inky hair, which enshrouds my face
and most of my body. It lies poker straight, yet it moves like tall reeds of
grass with the wind blowing gently.</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";"><span style="font-size: large;">Excellent setting details. Watch out for getting too purple in your
prose. The last two sentences (especially the âenshroudsâ sentence) read a
little melodramatic, rather than dramatic. Go stark over excessively
descriptive. Itâll work better for the type of character youâve built.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">SUMMARY:<o:p></o:p></span></span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large; text-indent: 27pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: justify; text-indent: 27.0pt; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large; text-indent: 27pt;">Youâre a good writer. You understand pacing, setting, and building
anticipation to a coming event. I foresee her ambushing the soldiers in some
way, to gather information or resources for whatever goal sheâs given herself.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: justify; text-indent: 27.0pt; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">My only real quibble here is that it feels like youâre trying too
hard to make the voice unique. In actuality, youâve got what sounds to me like
a unique setting, and definitely a unique main character. You donât need to
give her such a staccato (yet also flowery?) way of expressing herself. In
fact, Iâd go so far as to say the technique youâre using is getting in the way
of the reader falling into the storyâand a very good story itâs already shaping
up to be.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: justify; text-indent: 27.0pt; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Pull back on the purple prose. Let her use full sentences when
sheâs describing the sensory details. Donât put in any barriers in the way of
the reader, and then weâll get the full promise thatâs here: A very intriguing
protagonist in a new and different world from standard fare.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: justify; text-indent: 27.0pt; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Well done. Good luck!<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br /></div>
AimeeLSalterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17763596557256341788noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2622477097361465.post-21242935960800851052017-05-29T00:30:00.000-07:002017-05-29T00:30:14.928-07:00Pitchwars Early Bird Mentor Critique 17 - First 500 - Adult Fantasy<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<b style="background-color: white; color: #505050; font-family: Georgia, Utopia, "Palatino Linotype", Palatino, serif; font-size: 13.2px;">To skip directly to the material and critique, scroll down to the star divider line. If you'd like to know how I break down a critique, and what I'm looking for, keep reading:</b><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "utopia" , "palatino linotype" , "palatino" , serif;"><br /></span>To help the authors as much as possible, I've critiqued their full first chapter, however I'm only sharing the first 500 words as these can get quite long.</div>
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When critiquing a first chapter, (especially the first 500 words), I'm always searching for these pieces of information. A great book can include all of them right up front. Sometimes one or two need to take longer. But in the first page, or two at most, I should see <i>at least </i>three of these:</div>
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- <i>Who</i> is the focus of the story?<br />
- <i>Where </i>are they?<br />
- <i>When </i>is it (i.e. what era--is it today? two hundred years ago? not sure?)<br />
- <i>What </i>are they doing?<br />
- <i>Why </i>are they doing it</div>
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And in the first chapter, if not the first 500 words, I want to know what the character's initial goal is. That goal will likely change as they learn more about the situation they're falling into. However, right up front, the character always needs to want something--desperately. And the author needs to communicate to me what that is, and why they might not get it, as quickly as possible. Because that's what tells me why I should care about this story.</div>
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I'm looking for technical expertise--does the author know how to set up a scene? Do they understand backstory and when to include it (and perhaps more importantly, when <i>not </i>to). Is their writing tight and polished, or are there a lot of unnecessary words? Is the author falling into purple prose (over-writing in an attempt to sound good, but actually creating a sense of melodrama which will turn many readers off).</div>
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Beyond that, I'm looking at how I respond as a reader. Am I intrigued? Do I care? Do I want to keep reading?</div>
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So, with all those elements in mind, here we go...</div>
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<span style="font-size: x-large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-large;">********************</span></div>
<b><span style="font-size: x-large;"><br /></span></b>
<br />
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;"><b><span style="font-size: x-large;">ORIGINAL MATERIAL</span></b><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">Running late to work at the crack of dawn to
find protesters already lined up outside wasnât the best way Hazel had ever
started her day. At least when the day started so bad, it couldnât get any
worse.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">The shopping district was mostly deserted in the
cold February morning, save the half dozen protesters assembled outside her
aunt Enidâs essence distillery. Hazel didnât know what possessed them to be
there so early in the morning. If she had it her way sheâd still be firmly
ensconced in bed. If anything could be said about Pandora Alliance, it would be
that they were dedicated to their cause.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 9.5pt; line-height: 200%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">Hazel clutched her pepper spray in one hand, her
keys to the shop in the other as she approached. The alley leading to the back
entrance wasnât far, she wouldnât have to pass through the line if they stayed
where they were. This group hadnât been violent in the three days theyâd been
picketing the shop, but Hazel wasnât about to take a chance, not after the
fiasco of the Tear protests the year before.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 9.5pt; line-height: 200%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">None of them looked particularly well rested.
There was a sleeping bag bundled off to one side, and Hazel wondered if one of
them had slept there. Even the end of February in Denver could get well below
freezing at night. Their usual hostility at someone who not only accepted
magic, but worked in a shop that sold it, was amplified by the rumpled look of
people who had been called out of bed by Enidâs early arrival at the shop.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 9.5pt; line-height: 200%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">âThereâs the traitor,â a middle-aged woman
sneered. Hazel tried to ignore them. The Pandora Alliance was sometimes harder
on her then they were on actual practitioners.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 9.5pt; line-height: 200%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">âTurn away from your sin, forsake the evil of
your kin or you will burn in hell!â No one else was around, why did they insist
on doing this show every time they saw her? Maybe they were just running
through their lines, getting warmed up for a day of shortsighted bigotry.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 9.5pt; line-height: 200%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">Hazel took a deep breath, hands trembling with
the approach of panic. It was too early in the day for this. She pasted her
best customer service smile on and waved to the crowd. âGood morning to you
too. Stay warm!â</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 9.5pt; line-height: 200%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">A charm on her keys let her pass by the wards
that surrounded the shop and blocked off the entrance to the slip of an alley that
let her get to the back door. The cold malice of the protesters following
her, crawling like spiders on her neck. Out of sight, Hazel took a moment to
lean against the rough brick wall, willing her heart to slow down. Why they
couldnât just close for a few days was beyond her. It wasnât like they were
doing any real business with a fanatical picket line marching outside.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 9.5pt; line-height: 200%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">âYouâre late,â Enid said, her voice a sharp
crack through the stillness of the back room of the shop.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 9.5pt; line-height: 200%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: x-large;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 200%;">CRITIQUE (My words in </span><span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 200%;">red font</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 200%;">)<o:p></o:p></span></span></b></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">Running late to work at the crack of dawn to
find protesters already lined up outside wasnât the best way Hazel had ever
started her day. At least when the day started so bad, it couldnât get any
worse.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 9.5pt; line-height: 200%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Iâll be honest, I feel like you missed an
opportunity here. Youâre telling rather than showing, so weâre still waiting
for the impact when, in fact, you have a <i>really
</i>good conflict set up here.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Try opening with us seeing her rushing along the sidewalk
(or wherever), sweating and blowing hair out of her face because sheâs late,
the running into a wall of protestorsâand give us her emotional reaction to
that through sensory detail.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">The shopping district was mostly deserted in the
cold February morning, save the half dozen protesters assembled outside her
aunt Enidâs essence distillery. Hazel didnât know what possessed them to be
there so early in the morning. If she had it her way sheâd still be firmly
ensconced in bed. If anything could be said about Pandora Alliance, it would be
that they were dedicated to their cause.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Again, great info, but youâre working too hard to
give it to use because youâre telling instead of showing. Give us the glint off
the windows, or the cracked cement, or whatever <i>actual </i>setting weâre in. When you mention the Essence Distillery,
or the Pandora Alliance youâre going to have to explain (very briefly) what
they are. So get us really grounded in the reality of the place (sight, smell,
sound, texture, etc) <i>then </i>mention
these thingsâand have her give us a sentence in her head that tells us what
they are, because theyâre clearly an important part of your world-building.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Story-wise, does she truly not understand why the
protestors are there? If not, then her emotional reaction needs to be confusion
and concern. If she knows why theyâre there, but canât believe theyâre doing it
so early, then itâs exasperation or frustrationâalong with fear or concern for
the impacts.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">Hazel clutched her pepper spray in one hand, her
keys to the shop in the other as she approached. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Excellent. These are the kind of tangible details
we need right up front.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">The alley leading to the back entrance wasnât
far, she wouldnât have to pass through the line if they stayed where they were.
This group hadnât been violent in the three days theyâd been picketing the
shop, but Hazel wasnât about to take a chance, not after the fiasco of the Tear
protests the year before.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Youâre once again mentioning a tthing that we donât
have a frame of reference for. You need to give a very brief outline of what
the Tear protests are. I mean, really brief. A single sentence after the
mention. Or, you can em dash it and explain in a few words ââŚnot after the
fiasco of the Tear protestsâeight days of Pandora terror attacks on capitol
buildingsâthe year before.â (I know thatâs not what your conflict is, but Iâm
trying to show you the structure of how to clue the reader into these little
pieces of information). <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">None of them looked particularly well rested.
There was a sleeping bag bundled off to one side, and Hazel wondered if one of
them had slept there. Even the end of February in Denver could get well below
freezing at night. Their usual hostility at someone who not only accepted
magic, but worked in a shop that sold it, was amplified by the rumpled look of
people who had been called out of bed by Enidâs early arrival at the shop.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Ah, now we start to see whatâs going on here. This
information needs to be right at the frontâthe first time she mentions the distillery
and the protestors. This is the crux of your world-building. Donât make the
reader wonder/wait for it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">âThereâs the traitor,â a middle-aged woman
sneered. Hazel tried to ignore them. The Pandora Alliance was sometimes harder
on her then they were on actual practitioners.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Nice way to drop in that she doesnât do magic.
Well done. These kinds of brief insights are perfect for your opening pages.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">âTurn away from your sin, forsake the evil of
your kin or you will burn in hell!â No one else was around, why did they insist
on doing this show every time they saw her? Maybe they were just running
through their lines, getting warmed up for a day of shortsighted bigotry.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Nice.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">Hazel took a deep breath, hands trembling with
the approach of panic. It was too early in the day for this. She pasted her
best customer service smile on and waved to the crowd. âGood morning to you
too. Stay warm!â</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 9.5pt; line-height: 200%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;">That made me grin.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">A charm on her keys let her pass by the wards
that surrounded the shop and blocked off the entrance to the slip of an alley that
let her get to the back door. The cold malice of the protesters following
her, crawling like spiders on her neck. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Great metaphor, but we still arenât grounded in
this world. So focus instead on the reality of where she is and what sheâs
doingâshow the lock clicking open for her, the texture of the door, or the
echoeing steps behind. That kind of thing. Thatâs what will make your reader
fall into your world.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">Out of sight, Hazel took a moment to lean
against the rough brick wall, willing her heart to slow down. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;">These moments are where you have those opportunities
to make the world real. Instead of leaning against a rough brick wall, have her
rest on the wall and show her hair or her clothes snagging on the bricks. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">Why they couldnât just close for a few days was
beyond her. It wasnât like they were doing any real business with a fanatical
picket line marching outside.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 9.5pt; line-height: 200%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">âYouâre late,â Enid said, her voice a sharp
crack through the stillness of the back room of the shop.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 9.5pt; line-height: 200%;"><o:p></o:p></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">Hazel flipped the deadbolt on the door and
turned to face her aunt. Even so early in the morning, Enid was put together
and lovely, but she always was. Dark brown hair pulled up into a neat bun,
creamy tan cheeks smooth, canted eyes bright and catching everything. She was
in her mid-forties, age giving her grace and beauty that seemed to grow every
year instead of diminishing.</span></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Lovely description!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<b style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 200%;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">SUMMARY: </span></span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">Hereâs whatâs working really well for you: You
donât use extra words to get an idea across. You know how to move action
simultaneously with internal narration. And it sounds like youâve got a really
well developed world in your head. Youâre showing the conflict right up front
(big tick!), and your voice is clear.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">The thing thatâs working against you is that youâre
telling more than youâre showing. Which slows the read (even if it sometimes
uses less words) because it doesnât make the reader feel like theyâre a part of
the story. They donât get inside the characterâs skinâinstead theyâre outside
watching them. And thatâs much harder to connect with.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">If you take the exact progression and
information youâve got here (along with your writing skills), and use it to
paint sensory detail, youâll grip the reader from the very first line. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">I know it can feel difficult at the beginning to
try to identify when youâre showing vs. telling, but an approach that helps me
is this: When you describe something, are you describing an action, or an
image? An image tells you what to see or hear (âShe leaned against the rough
bricks.â) If youâre describing sensations in action, youâre showing (âShe
dropped her forehead against the cool bricks, then grimaced when her hair caught,
tearing on the rough stone.â) Thatâs not a great example because Iâm rushing,
but hopefully it makes the point.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">The only content I think is missing here is the goal of the protagonist, though you could argue that she wants to see the shop closed. Personally, given the conflict you've set up, I'd go for something a little bigger--does she wish she could magic the people away? Does she wish she could walk away and not have to deal with these people? Does she want to move the shop to another city where they're more open to magic? Let the reader see what she'd choose if she could.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">I see a ton of potential here. I hope Iâve
offered some insight that will help with your revisions.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
AimeeLSalterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17763596557256341788noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2622477097361465.post-46127225256324507582017-05-27T00:30:00.000-07:002017-05-27T00:30:12.981-07:00Pitch Wars Early Bird Critique 16 - First 500 - YA High Fantasy<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<br />
To see the draft query attached to this novel, <a href="http://www.aimeelsalter.com/2017/05/pitch-wars-early-bird-mentor-critique-7.html">go here:</a><br />
<a href="http://www.aimeelsalter.com/2017/05/pitch-wars-early-bird-mentor-critique-7.html"><br /></a>
<b style="background-color: white; color: #505050; font-family: Georgia, Utopia, "Palatino Linotype", Palatino, serif; font-size: 13.2px;">To skip directly to the material and critique, scroll down to the star divider line. If you'd like to know how I break down a critique, and what I'm looking for, keep reading:</b><br />
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</div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "utopia" , "palatino linotype" , "palatino" , serif;"><br /></span>To help the authors as much as possible, I've critiqued their full first chapter, however I'm only sharing the first 500 words as these can get quite long.</div>
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When critiquing a first chapter, (especially the first 500 words), I'm always searching for these pieces of information. A great book can include all of them right up front. Sometimes one or two need to take longer. But in the first page, or two at most, I should see <i>at least </i>three of these:</div>
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<br />
- <i>Who</i> is the focus of the story?<br />
- <i>Where </i>are they?<br />
- <i>When </i>is it (i.e. what era--is it today? two hundred years ago? not sure?)<br />
- <i>What </i>are they doing?<br />
- <i>Why </i>are they doing it</div>
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<br /></div>
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And in the first chapter, if not the first 500 words, I want to know what the character's initial goal is. That goal will likely change as they learn more about the situation they're falling into. However, right up front, the character always needs to want something--desperately. And the author needs to communicate to me what that is, and why they might not get it, as quickly as possible. Because that's what tells me why I should care about this story.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #505050; font-family: Georgia, Utopia, "Palatino Linotype", Palatino, serif; font-size: 13.2px;">
I'm looking for technical expertise--does the author know how to set up a scene? Do they understand backstory and when to include it (and perhaps more importantly, when <i>not </i>to). Is their writing tight and polished, or are there a lot of unnecessary words? Is the author falling into purple prose (over-writing in an attempt to sound good, but actually creating a sense of melodrama which will turn many readers off).</div>
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<br /></div>
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Beyond that, I'm looking at how I respond as a reader. Am I intrigued? Do I care? Do I want to keep reading?</div>
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So, with all those elements in mind, here we go...</div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">********************</span></div>
<br />
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<b><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">ORIGINAL MATERIAL<o:p></o:p></span></span></b></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">âIâm sorryâIâm sorry!â<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">âYouâll be sorry when I say youâre sorry!â<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">âYouâre hurting me!â<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">âGood.â<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I cried out on the creaking floor as my grandmother beat me with
the handle of a broom. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Gritting my teeth I pulled thin arms tight over my long neck and
side, so much so that I couldnât breathe. As the pain of the broom wacked my
boney back and legs I held myself tighter, wild curls covering my face and
sticking to my wet lips. All I could hear was Albaâs breaths and my own deep
winces as the broom fell. My body cramped, my mind was blank, my chest heavy,
but I remained silent as she continued my punishment and lesson.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"> âAlways hiding things. Do
you never learn girl? Shall I beat it into you every night until you
understand?â I shook her head faintly, spotting the torn piece of parchment on
the floor which she had found in my room, and Alba stopped. âNo? Look at me.â
She demanded and I did so as bruises formed, patching along my body. Alba
looked disgusted with me, âYouâre just like <i>her</i>. If I find anything
more which does not belong in my home, it will be an iron rod I use next.â<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">ââŚYes Alba.â<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">With stiff arms I
ladled water into cups before sitting behind the worn wood table, body aching. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">A tray of bread and
olives was for breakfast, gathered from our small garden. I was careful to
watch myself, cautious as I ate day old bread. Lately Iâd been clumsier than
usual, or as Alba put it, more of a nuisance. It was a name I was more familiar
with then my own. It was normal in the cabin in the woods just as her my
punishments were. If it was normal outside it I didnât know. I reached for a
few pitted olives placing them in my bowl. I was thankful they were green and
not black so I didnât feel as if I was eating my own bruised skin. At least my
body healed fast, as some of the smaller bruises were already turning yellow.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I ate slowly despite gnawing hunger. If I ate too fast Alba
wouldnât like it. Taking hold of my water I pretended to drink as the morning
air of the cabin warmed, and faint light of the sun rose across the table and
into my empty face. Sneaking a peek, Alba sat with her short back straight and
sunken black eyes on her bowl, as if eating by herself. And she might as well
have been since she didnât talk to me unless dealing out orders like a master
to her starving servant.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">My throat tightened swallowing a piece of scratchy bread.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Despoite all Alba had did for me and to me, I didnât love her,
but then why bother living with someone like her? Who was cold and cruel and
hate-filled towards her own granddaughter?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<i><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Sheâs all I have left.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"><span style="color: #222222;">CRITIQUE (My words
in </span><span style="color: red;">red font</span><span style="color: #222222;">):<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></b></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">âIâm sorryâIâm sorry!â<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">âYouâll be sorry when I say youâre sorry!â<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">âYouâre hurting me!â<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">âGood.â<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I cried out on the creaking floor as my grandmother beat me with
the handle of a broom. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Your dialogue works well, but show, donâtâ tell. Have her cry out
because the broom handle lands on her ribs, or her spine, or hear the thwack of
belt leather accompanying the sting on her skin, that kind of thing.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Gritting my teeth I pulled thin arms tight over my long neck and
side, so much so that I couldnât breathe. As the pain of the broom wacked my
boney back and legs I held myself tighter, wild curls covering my face and
sticking to my wet lips. All I could hear was Albaâs breaths and my own deep
winces as the broom fell. My body cramped, my mind was blank, my chest heavy,
but I remained silent as she continued my punishment and lesson.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Except, she hasnât been silent to remain so. If you want her silent,
have her bite her lip and refuse to cry out againâsomething emotive like that.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">âAlways hiding things. Do you never learn girl? Shall I beat it
into you every night until you understand?â I shook her head faintly, <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">âIâ shook âherâ head?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">spotting the torn piece of parchment on the floor which she had
found in my room, and Alba stopped. âNo? Look at me.â She demanded and I did so
as bruises formed, patching along my body. Alba looked disgusted with me,
âYouâre just like <i>her</i>. If I find anything more which does not
belong in my home, it will be an iron rod I use next.â<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">ââŚYes Alba.â<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">With stiff arms I
ladled water into cups before sitting behind the worn wood table, body aching. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">This is an odd transition.
In a manuscript, if youâre making a scene break, use the â#â symbolâcentered,
or at the marginâto indicate a change of scene. However, I feel like itâs too
early for a scene change, because we arenât grounded in this scene yet. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Use this moment to show
her pain by having her wince as she slowly pushes herself to her feet. Then have
Grandmother intentionally bump into her as she stands, so she has to bite back
another cry. Something to give us the mental image of her getting upâthen moving
towards the food. And show us the room sheâs in while sheâs on her wayâground us
in the setting, senses, and emotions sheâs feeling. Then the rest flows
naturally out of that.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">A tray of bread and
olives was for breakfast, gathered from our small garden. I was careful to
watch myself, cautious as I ate day old bread. Lately Iâd been clumsier than
usual, or as Alba put it, more of a nuisance. It was a name I was more familiar
with then my own. It was normal in the cabin in the woods just as her my
punishments were. If it was normal outside it I didnât know. I reached for a
few pitted olives placing them in my bowl. I was thankful they were green and
not black so I didnât feel as if I was eating my own bruised skin. At least my
body healed fast, as some of the smaller bruises were already turning yellow.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I ate slowly despite gnawing hunger. If I ate too fast Alba
wouldnât like it. Taking hold of my water I pretended to drink as the morning
air of the cabin warmed, and faint light of the sun rose across the table and
into my empty face. Sneaking a peek, Alba sat with her short back straight and
sunken black eyes on her bowl, as if eating by herself. And she might as well
have been since she didnât talk to me unless dealing out orders like a master
to her starving servant.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">My throat tightened swallowing a piece of scratchy bread.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Despoite all Alba had did for me and to me, <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">You have a typo in Despite, then âhad did for meâ is grammatically
incorrect. If the latter is intentional, a device of the voice, you need to use
it more often, and earlier. If itâs just a typo, correct it. Itâll drive
grammar nazi agents crazy. And definitely get a proofreader. Your writing is
solid, you donât want it being dragged down and potentially rejected because an
agent feels like they have to do too much of the grunt work.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I didnât love her, but then why bother living with someone like
her? Who was cold and cruel and hate-filled towards her own granddaughter?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<i><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Sheâs all I have left.</span></i><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Very poignant. Well done.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"> </span><b style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"> </span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">SUMMARY: <o:p></o:p></span></span></b></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Youâve got a great conflict, and a great <i>showing </i>of the conflict, right up front. Which is perfect. However,
you need to fully deliver on that. The actual beating can end where it does,
but we need to see her emotional reaction to itâas she gets up, does Grandmother
leave and she flinches? Or, does she do everything she can to show sheâs going to
be obedient, so grandmother doesnât have reason to launch at her again?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">And while you move her from the floor, and show us her emotional
response to the beating, show us the setting as well.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Because you opened the book on a physical altercation, youâll
get away with not giving the wider setting right away. But the <i>second </i>that altercation ends, you need
to show the reader this isnât happening in a vacuum. Give the cues of texture of the floor,
items/furniture, sounds, smells, etc, to make the setting <i>real. </i>That way, when crazy things happen, the readerâs brain has
already been fooled into thinking the world is real, so disbelief is suspended.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">All-in-all, a solid start. Keep going, keep refining, definitely
look for those typos/mistakes, and clear those up. Make sure every scene opens
with setting and give sensory detail as you go, and this will grab people.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Good luck!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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AimeeLSalterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17763596557256341788noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2622477097361465.post-6635710256692895372017-05-26T00:30:00.000-07:002017-05-26T00:30:05.927-07:00Pitchwars Early Bird Critique 15 - QUERY - YA Fantasy<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<i><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "utopia" , "palatino linotype" , "palatino" , serif; font-size: 13.2px;">When I read a query, or query blurb of a story, I'm looking for five major elements communicated crisply, quickly, and clearly:</span></i></div>
<i style="background-color: white; color: #505050; font-family: Georgia, Utopia, "Palatino Linotype", Palatino, serif; font-size: 13.2px;"><br style="font-size: 13.2px;" /><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "utopia" , "palatino linotype" , "palatino" , serif; font-size: 13.2px;">Who is the book about, where are they (and when, if applicable)? What does the protagonist want? What's the conflict, and who or what is the antagonistic force? And for your final hook, what </span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "utopia" , "palatino linotype" , "palatino" , serif; font-size: 13.2px;">specific </span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "utopia" , "palatino linotype" , "palatino" , serif; font-size: 13.2px;">obstacle will potentially stop the protagonist from achieving their goal? And what's at stake if they fail?</span></i><br />
<i style="background-color: white; color: #505050; font-family: Georgia, Utopia, "Palatino Linotype", Palatino, serif; font-size: 13.2px;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "utopia" , "palatino linotype" , "palatino" , serif; font-size: 13.2px;">If a query can outline that in under 250 words, it's a winner. So let's take a look at this query and see how it stacks up:</span></i><br />
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Dear, AGENT<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">After sixteen-year-old Izzy Ruiz alcoholic mother
kicks her out and leaves her homeless, she wants nothing more than to feel at
home, safe. She has no idea that her new, invitation-only boarding school on
the coast of New England is exclusively for half-elfs and fairies.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Great opener. Unfortunately, you have a
typo in the very first sentence (youâre missing the âs in âIzzy Ruizâs
alcoholic motherâ), which may work against you. Most agents understand weâre
all prone to mistakes. But a mistake that early on will give them pauseâif you
canât proofread a one page letter, can they expect a much greater issue in a
90k manuscript? Donât give them a reason to pause in the read and question you.
Or fall on the side of rejection if theyâre wavering.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">When the broad-shouldered elf named Drake approaches
Izzy, their magnetism throws her off-balance. They soon discover in archery,
after multiplying one arrow into seven, that they have a joint power, called
Share. This power amplifies their gifts. But the Share puts them both in danger
of losing their lives, when the emergence of their power draws Adima attention.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">First off, âoff balanceâ feels like . . .
not enough. Use a descriptor that engages our emotionâis she drawn to him
romantically, sexually, magically? Whatever word you use, make sure it gives
the fullest impression of how this magnetism works. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Secondly, weâve got a small info dump
here, so work backwards: Share only the information thatâs <i>needed </i>to understand the story, then frame it in plot/character
intrigue. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">In this case, itâs only important for
Drake and Izzy to learn that they have a joint power called Share. Instead of
describing the specifics of arrows and so forth, frame it in their magnetism. <i>Show </i>them being drawn to each other,
then just state that that connection leads to them learning they have Share,
which puts them at risk of losing their lives. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">And again, rather than that risk being a
factual statement (drawing the attention of Adimaâwho we have no connection
with), either state that it draws the attention of X person who can do X to
them, or (better) give us the scenario that causes the attention to be drawn
and show us the consequences. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I.e. Izzy and Drake, unable to keep their
hands off each other, have been secretly meeting in the woods to Share. But
when their kiss sparks fireworks right outside the shop of Adima, the local
villain-for-hire, it could cost them their lives . . . (I know this isnât how
your story works, Iâm just trying to show you the structure)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Adima, the last elf known to possess Share, lost her
power during her peopleâs migration back to the elfâs home realm. When her twin
decides to stay with his pregnant wife, breaking all ties, he is killed. Sister
is convinced all half-humans are to blame for her the death of her brother and
the weaning of her powers. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">This is all backstory, and isnât needed in
a query. It breaks your flow and tells an entirely different story. Stay on
Izzy and Drake. To describe a threat, you only need to show that itâs a threat.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">While I donât think the previous paragraph
ends ideally either, Iâll use it to demonstrate what information is needed
about Adima: <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">ââŚBut the Share puts them both in danger
of losing their lives, when the emergence of their power draws the attention of
Adima, a powerful witch, hell-bent on destroying every half-human in existence.â<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Do you see what I mean?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Sister is hell bent on destroying all of the
half-humans in return. Students have already disappeared and professors are on
edge as all the studentsâ lives are at risk. Izzy and Drakeâs power is the only
thing that can stop Adima and save the missing student.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Unfortunately, this misses the boat. The
intrigue of students disappearing and professors on edge should be earlier in
the queryâas world-building. Izzy and Drakeâs âpowerâ needs to be specificânot in
title, but in what it can achieve. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">What you want here is conflict, definition
of success, and whatâs a stake in the event of failure: âIzzy (and Drake?) must
do X to achieve Y, or Z will happen.â i.e. âIzzy and Drake must Share enough sever
to Adima from the source foreverâa spell that has never been successfully cast
by a student of magic. But if they fail, Adima will absorb their combined power
and use it to kill. First Izzy and Drakeâthen every other student at (their
school).â<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Completed at 90,000 words, [TITLE] is a YA fantasy
action romance.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Thank you for your time.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">[AUTHOR NAME]<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">SUMMARY:</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">While Iâve given you a lot of correction here, I can
see that all the right elements of a really, really good story are here. Iâm
not usually a fantasy reader, but I found myself wanting to check out your
pages and see how this all comes together. I hope (because itâs what I like to
read) that Drake and Izzyâs power draws them together romantically, as well as
magically. And that thereâs the added tension of them losing their relationship
through this awful conflict, as well as their livesâand their concern for each
otherâs lives.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">But thatâs a totally subjective comment. What Iâm
trying to say is, even though Iâve told you to cut and change a lot, I know
that you wouldnât have the information youâve got if there wasnât a story worth
telling behind this summary.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">So please donât be discouraged! Rework your query to
give your pages the best chance of being read by a professional, but donât take
this critique as a signal the story doesnât work. Writing blurbs is a very
different skill to weaving 90,000 word stories. I have a hunch youâve got what
it takes.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Good luck!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
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<br /></div>
</div>
AimeeLSalterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17763596557256341788noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2622477097361465.post-38447034273079525342017-05-25T00:30:00.000-07:002017-05-25T00:30:13.096-07:00Pitch Wars Early Bird Critique 14 - First 500 - YA Fantasy<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<b style="background-color: white; color: #505050; font-family: Georgia, Utopia, "Palatino Linotype", Palatino, serif; font-size: 13.2px;">To skip directly to the material and critique, scroll down to the star divider line. If you'd like to know how I break down a critique, and what I'm looking for, keep reading:</b><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "utopia" , "palatino linotype" , "palatino" , serif;"><br /></span>To help the authors as much as possible, I've critiqued their full first chapter, however I'm only sharing the first 500 words as these can get quite long.</div>
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<div style="background-color: white; color: #505050; font-family: Georgia, Utopia, "Palatino Linotype", Palatino, serif; font-size: 13.2px;">
When critiquing a first chapter, (especially the first 500 words), I'm always searching for these pieces of information. A great book can include all of them right up front. Sometimes one or two need to take longer. But in the first page, or two at most, I should see <i>at least </i>three of these:</div>
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<br />
- <i>Who</i> is the focus of the story?<br />
- <i>Where </i>are they?<br />
- <i>When </i>is it (i.e. what era--is it today? two hundred years ago? not sure?)<br />
- <i>What </i>are they doing?<br />
- <i>Why </i>are they doing it</div>
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And in the first chapter, if not the first 500 words, I want to know what the character's initial goal is. That goal will likely change as they learn more about the situation they're falling into. However, right up front, the character always needs to want something--desperately. And the author needs to communicate to me what that is, and why they might not get it, as quickly as possible. Because that's what tells me why I should care about this story.</div>
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I'm looking for technical expertise--does the author know how to set up a scene? Do they understand backstory and when to include it (and perhaps more importantly, when <i>not </i>to). Is their writing tight and polished, or are there a lot of unnecessary words? Is the author falling into purple prose (over-writing in an attempt to sound good, but actually creating a sense of melodrama which will turn many readers off).</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #505050; font-family: Georgia, Utopia, "Palatino Linotype", Palatino, serif; font-size: 13.2px;">
Beyond that, I'm looking at how I respond as a reader. Am I intrigued? Do I care? Do I want to keep reading?</div>
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So, with all those elements in mind, here we go...</div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-large;">********************</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-large;"><br /></span></div>
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<b><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">ORIGINAL MATERIAL:<o:p></o:p></span></span></b></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">When I was born, my
mother wished me dead. An âapayaâ, she called me, according to the midwife.
Meaning âborn ill-fatedâ in our ancestorsâ ancient language, itâs one of the
most offensive curses for an unfortunate person. A proverb goes, âWherever an
apaya turns, a house burns.â<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">So whenever I hear the
word, I feel like itâs directed at me. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">âGet up, you apaya!â
The moment I hear it, I stop on my tracks, holding Aziboâs hand. Frowning, he
looks over his shoulder. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">âGet up! Youâre
nothing but an apaya.â <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I want to hide from
whoever it is, but Azibo holds me. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">âItâs not you, love,â
he whispers. A kiss he places on my head while pulling me away. I dare to turn
my head and find a girl of ten winters being lugged out of a hut. Her shift is
too short, too tattered, too somber a view on this grey dawn. Her dark locks
are tangled, bunched up in a manâs hands, the one dragging her. Teeth gritted, he
lifts her scrawny body and hands her to two darkly clad men. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">My fatherâs men. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">My father, the
king. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">On a mule few steps
away from them is a sack. The man leers at it. When the girlâs been tied with
bronze shackles and thrown over the mule, the man almost lunges for the sack. A
few tears on it reveal its content; flax seed. From the look of it, it wonât
last a fortnight, even for one person. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">The girl struggles.
The clinging fetters cut her skin, drawing out blood. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">âFatherâŚâ she
whimpers. Her greedy father doesnât pay her any attention. Heâs busy with the
sack. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">This has been going on
the Island ever since my father ascended the throne. Parents selling off their
children, husbands using wives as harlots, all for a mouthful of food. Once
cannibalism occurred in a family in the slum. Back then I wasnât a resident of
this place. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">âThatâs enough, love.
Please.â Azibo covers me with my scarf. Unlike the poor girl, my threadbare
shift reaches my knees. Aziboâs in a skirt and a vest. My shift used to be his,
before I altered and designed it to make it look more feminine. After all,
those are my only talents. With my basket full of threads and needles, spindle
and distaff, every day I look for work. Like my scribe husband does, weighed
down by his satchel of clay tablets and reed pens. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">âIâm fine.â Though my
trembling voice gives away. If I wasnât born as the Prime Princess, if I was
born as impoverished as that poor girl, Iâm sure my father would sell me off.
Even though he was the one who dubbed me with the title. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">âPrime Princess,â my
father, the king of the Meridian Island used to address me. In our state, the
largest among the five states of the Pantheon, the heir apparent are called
Prime Prince. I used to be the only Prime Princess in history. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b style="font-size: xx-large;"><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">CRITIQUE (My words in </span></b><b style="font-size: xx-large;"><span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">red
font</span></b><b style="font-size: xx-large;"><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">):</span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">When I was born, my
mother wished me dead. An âapayaâ, she called me, according to the midwife.
Meaning âborn ill-fatedâ in our ancestorsâ ancient language, itâs one of the
most offensive curses for an unfortunate person. A proverb goes, âWherever an
apaya turns, a house burns.â<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Excellent personal
turmoil, right up front. For maximum impact, personally Iâd make that first
sentence its own paragraph. But thatâs a stylistic choice and totally
subjective.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">So whenever I hear the
word, I feel like itâs directed at me. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">But didnât he/she just say
that word <i>is </i>directed at them in
their family? This line confused me. Reading on, I think you should cut it
because you want the reader to have the same instinct your protag is havingâthat
the statement is directed at them.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">âGet up, you apaya!â
The moment I hear it, I stop on my tracks, holding Aziboâs hand. Frowning, he
looks over his shoulder. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I think you mean, âI stop <i>in </i>my tracks.â<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">âGet up! Youâre
nothing but an apaya.â <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I want to hide from
whoever it is, but Azibo holds me. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">âItâs not you, love,â
he whispers. A kiss he places on my head while pulling me away. I dare to turn
my head and find a girl of ten winters being lugged out of a hut. Her shift is
too short, too tattered, too somber a view on this grey dawn. Her dark locks
are tangled, bunched up in a manâs hands, the one dragging her. Teeth gritted,
he lifts her scrawny body and hands her to two darkly clad men. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Great imagery.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">My fatherâs men. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">My father, the
king. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">On a mule few steps
away from them is a sack. The man leers at it. When the girlâs been tied with
bronze shackles and thrown over the mule, the man almost lunges for the sack. A
few tears on it reveal its content; flax seed. From the look of it, it wonât
last a fortnight, even for one person. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">The girl struggles.
The clinging fetters cut her skin, drawing out blood. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">âDrawing out bloodâ is
overly complicated. Your brain has to process it. Change to âdeep enough to
draw bloodâ or âuntil she bleeds.â<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">âFatherâŚâ she
whimpers. Her greedy father doesnât pay her any attention. Heâs busy with the
sack. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">This has been going on
the Island ever since my father ascended the throne. Parents selling off their children,
husbands using wives as harlots, all for a mouthful of food. Once cannibalism
occurred in a family in the slum. Back then I wasnât a resident of this
place. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">âThatâs enough, love.
Please.â Azibo covers me with my scarf. Unlike the poor girl, my threadbare
shift reaches my knees. Aziboâs in a skirt and a vest. My shift used to be his,
before I altered and designed it to make it look more feminine. After all,
those are my only talents. With my basket full of threads and needles, spindle
and distaff, every day I look for work. Like my scribe husband does, weighed
down by his satchel of clay tablets and reed pens. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Until this moment, I
thought she was a child herself. You could rectify that by referring to Azibo
the first time as her husband, or something along those lines. Because you
start at birth, without any other indicators, the brain automatically assumes
youâre staying back there.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">âIâm fine.â Though my
trembling voice gives away. If I wasnât born as the Prime Princess, if I was
born as impoverished as that poor girl, Iâm sure my father would sell me off.
Even though he was the one who dubbed me with the title. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">âPrime Princess,â my
father, the king of the Meridian Island used to address me. In our state, the
largest among the five states of the Pantheon, the heir apparent are called
Prime Prince. I used to be the only Prime Princess in history. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">This last paragraph has
important information, but itâs presented in such a dry manner, it doesnât
serve your story like it should. See if you can find a way to give this information
as part of the progression of the plot/story, rather than just a historical
statement of facts. Maybe her husband refers to her as Prime Princess. She can
shove the compliment aside. He points out sheâs the only one. She can say, ânot
anymoreâ, then fill the reader in on what it all means. Or, even better if
thereâs a way to use this title, and the history behind it, as part of the plot
and donât even have to explain it because itâs <i>shown. </i>But that isnât always possible with backstory. So try to
find a way to ground it in the action and characters, rather than just telling
it as information.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">SUMMARY:</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">My overall sense is
that you have a well-developed world, with a character in an interesting and
painful position. Both critical elements to a good story.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">You also have the ability
to paint pictures, and keep the reader seeing what the protagonist is seeing
without using lots of extra words. Thatâs crucial to a good book.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Unfortunately, thereâs
something about the voice that isnât connecting on an emotional level. You need
to ground these experiences in sensory detail. Youâve given us all the sight we
needâand in a very good way. Now add the protagonistâs sensory experience to create
a real sense of emotion: When sheâs frightened, her heart races, or she hears
her pulse in her ears. When sheâs angry, her face heats. When sheâs grateful,
sheâs warmed by her husbandâs kiss, that kind of thing. Put us in her skin, and
make sure her skin is reacting to whatâs happening and the emotions it sparks.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">If you arenât sure how
to paint body language and physical sensation that reflects emotion, check out <i>The Emotion Thesaurus </i>by Angela Ackerman
and Becca Puglisi. Itâs a <i>great </i>resource
for this specific issue.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">But donât be
disheartened by that note. Your writing is strong, and if you add this
emotional element, youâll find it really connecting for people. Which is what
makes a good book great.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Good luck!</span></div>
</div>
AimeeLSalterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17763596557256341788noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2622477097361465.post-34454112110479427912017-05-24T00:30:00.000-07:002017-05-24T00:30:11.547-07:00Pitch Wars Early Bird Critique 13 - Query - YA High Fantasy<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; color: #505050; font-family: Georgia, Utopia, "Palatino Linotype", Palatino, serif; font-size: 13.2px;">
If you'd like to read the first 500 words of the manuscript (and its critique) that this query represents, <a href="http://www.aimeelsalter.com/2017/05/pitch-wars-early-bird-critique-4-first.html">go here.</a></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; color: #505050; font-family: Georgia, Utopia, "Palatino Linotype", Palatino, serif; font-size: 13.2px;">
<i><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "utopia" , "palatino linotype" , "palatino" , serif; font-size: 13.2px;">When I read a query, or query blurb of a story, I'm looking for five major elements communicated crisply, quickly, and clearly:</span></i></div>
<i style="background-color: white; color: #505050; font-family: Georgia, Utopia, "Palatino Linotype", Palatino, serif; font-size: 13.2px;"><br style="font-size: 13.2px;" /><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "utopia" , "palatino linotype" , "palatino" , serif; font-size: 13.2px;">Who is the book about, where are they (and when, if applicable)? What does the protagonist want? What's the conflict, and who or what is the antagonistic force? And for your final hook, what </span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "utopia" , "palatino linotype" , "palatino" , serif; font-size: 13.2px;">specific </span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "utopia" , "palatino linotype" , "palatino" , serif; font-size: 13.2px;">obstacle will potentially stop the protagonist from achieving their goal, and what will happen to them if they fail?</span></i><br />
<i style="background-color: white; color: #505050; font-family: Georgia, Utopia, "Palatino Linotype", Palatino, serif; font-size: 13.2px;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "utopia" , "palatino linotype" , "palatino" , serif; font-size: 13.2px;">If a query can outline that in under 250 words, it's a winner. So let's take a look at this query and see how it stacks up:</span></i><br />
<br />
<br />
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">Dear __:</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I noticed on __ that you are interested in a witch
manuscript. Therefore, I would like to present [TITLE], which is a YA
Paranormal Romance complete at 83,000 words with series potential.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Good opening. If youâre targeting agents
based on their MSWL and the like, youâll have a much better chance of success. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">[TITLE] was handpicked from a slush pile of over
1,200 entrants and mentored by two authors, one of which is New York Times
bestselling author Brenda Drake, through a twitter contest called
#PitchMadness. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I go back and forth on whether this is the
right placement for this. So Iâll just tell you what works about it and what
doesnât, and let you choose:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">WORKS BECAUSE:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraph" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="color: red; font-family: "symbol"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"> - </span><span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">It adds <i>some </i>credibility to the query, as in âother professionals have
taken an interest, and you know this manuscript has been critiqued/revised.â<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">DOESNâT WORK BECAUSE:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="color: red; font-family: "symbol"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"> - </span><span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">It begs the question âIf they
liked it, why didnât it get picked up?â<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="color: red; font-family: "symbol"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"> - </span><span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Most (not all) agents who give
guidelines for how to write a query, state that all commendations, awards, or writing achievements should be at the end, after the
blurb. This falls within that category of information.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="color: red; font-family: "symbol"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"> - </span><span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Most queries are written on
the âNo more than one paragraph before the blurbâ , because, in the end,
the agent wants to know if the subject of the book appeals to them. So, apart from why you chose to contact them, they donât
want to read details about you/your writing until after they know that.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Having written all this out, my recommendation would be: Put this at the end. Mainly because, it doesnât matter what
awards or interest the ms has had. The agent will request based on whether they
like/donât like the blurb and/or writing. Really, this paragraph is something
that will affirm any their natural affinity for your work, but wonât sway any
who donât find it appealing. It wonât <i>create
</i>interest, if that makes sense.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Raven Teresi is addicted to the anesthetic only
magic can provide. When her power pricks beneath her skin, itâs nearly
impossibleâalmost painfulâto repress. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">The good news: I recognized your first chapter based
on this blurb opening, so thatâs a good start.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">The bad news: The concept of Magic as an âanestheticâ
confused me/I had to re-read and think it through. Iâd drop the anesthetic bit
because it complicates unnecessarily. Just state that sheâs addicted to magic,
and use the second sentence to indicate <i>why</i>.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Despite her auntâs constant warnings about the
dangers of magic and how it destroyed her grandmotherâs life, Raven uses
recklessly and excessively. After her fourth overdose, she wakes to find herself
in Runicerie, a rehabilitation center for the magically addicted. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: red;">Great conflict. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Determined to make her stay at Runicerie as brief as
possible, Raven attends MAA(Magic Addiction Acceptance) group, participates in
garden detail, and follows all the other rehab rules. But, when two bewitching
love interests equally try to win her affectionâHaydn with his ability to know
her thoughts and desiresâDerek with his incredibly, seductive capability to
share his magic with herâshe is forced to choose between the two of them, and
ultimately between finally allowing herself to love again and freedom from
Runicerie. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Cut the word "equally"- it's implied, and breaks your flow. </span></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">This had me right up until the final
conflictâwhere it feels like the resolution will beâŚto choose a guy to love?
While thatâs a real driver for readers like me who <i>adore </i>romance as a main plot line, it didnât deliver
as the end of your blurb. I guess I didnât feel like there was enough at stake?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I donât know if the addictive quality of
magic and the second guyâs âseductive sharingâ will factor in your story this
way, but I would have posed that whole final decision as more along the lines
of what the two guys represent. It sounds like she has the chance to give in to
the addiction, and the love of a guy that would feed it, or a guy who shows her
the best of herself (and loves the worst of her), when she might have to battle
with her addiction for the rest of her life. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">If thatâs actually how it comes together,
use that. While the personal growth of a character is immensely satisfying as
we follow them through it in a book. It doesnât land as the WHAT WILL HAPPEN? conflict
of a query.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Create a choice, and tell the reader what
the stakes are if she makes the wrong decision: âHaydn offers X, Derek offers
Y. But Raven will have THIS CONSEQUENCE if she makes the wrong decision. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Thank you so much for your time and consideration.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Sincerely, <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">NAME<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">ALL CONTACT DETAILS</span></div>
</div>
AimeeLSalterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17763596557256341788noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2622477097361465.post-75476221750546865462017-05-22T09:54:00.002-07:002017-05-22T09:54:50.022-07:00Pitch Wars Early Bird Critique 12 - First 500 - YA Fantasy<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<b style="background-color: white; color: #505050; font-family: Georgia, Utopia, "Palatino Linotype", Palatino, serif; font-size: 13.2px;">To skip directly to the material and critique, scroll down to the star divider line. If you'd like to know how I break down a critique, and what I'm looking for, keep reading:</b><br />
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<span style="font-family: georgia, utopia, "palatino linotype", palatino, serif;"><br /></span>To help the authors as much as possible, I've critiqued their full first chapter, however I'm only sharing the first 500 words as these can get quite long.</div>
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When critiquing a first chapter, (especially the first 500 words), I'm always searching for these pieces of information. A great book can include all of them right up front. Sometimes one or two need to take longer. But in the first page, or two at most, I should see <i>at least </i>three of these:</div>
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<br />- <i>Who</i> is the focus of the story?<br />- <i>Where </i>are they?<br />- <i>When </i>is it (i.e. what era--is it today? two hundred years ago? not sure?)<br />- <i>What </i>are they doing?<br />- <i>Why </i>are they doing it</div>
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And in the first chapter, if not the first 500 words, I want to know what the character's initial goal is. That goal will likely change as they learn more about the situation they're falling into. However, right up front, the character always needs to want something--desperately. And the author needs to communicate to me what that is, and why they might not get it, as quickly as possible. Because that's what tells me why I should care about this story.</div>
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I'm looking for technical expertise--does the author know how to set up a scene? Do they understand backstory and when to include it (and perhaps more importantly, when <i>not </i>to). Is their writing tight and polished, or are there a lot of unnecessary words? Is the author falling into purple prose (over-writing in an attempt to sound good, but actually creating a sense of melodrama which will turn many readers off).</div>
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Beyond that, I'm looking at how I respond as a reader. Am I intrigued? Do I care? Do I want to keep reading?</div>
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So, with all those elements in mind, here we go...</div>
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<span style="font-size: x-large;">********************</span></div>
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<b><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">ORIGINAL MATERIAL:</span></span></b><br />
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">My blood raged.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">My heart threatened to burst.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Every ragged breath clawed its way down my throat.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">But the horrible roar of chasing wings thundered behind me, and
so I ran on.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The twilight sky above was tinged with blood red streaks as the
sun descended over the spectral wilderness. A vast and devastating darkness
hovered over the forest here. It was black, limitless. Terrible. The kind of
infinite peril that prowled and watched, waiting to sink its teeth into me and
devour my flesh as my very heart still beat.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Snarled tree branches resisted my magic, then unfurled and moved
with reluctance at my command, parting the way as my racing footsteps fell
silent as shadows on the forest floor. I called down a hazy, smothering fog.
That should help conceal me from whatever winged monster had scented me out.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I shouldnât be here. This forest was dark, dangerous. Haunted.
But it was the only path from the kingdom of Nezaria to the North Sea. And I
had to get there.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">My life depended on it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Iâd never given much thought to leaving my fatherâs
kingdom. <i>My </i>kingdom. It was a far-away impossibility. Less
than a dream. My life in Nezaria had been fated long before I was even born.
And the few times that I had given such delusions space in my mindâŚwell, in
those fantasies my departure certainly had not been under circumstances like
these.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I had never once in all of my near twenty years considered that
I would become the kingdomâs most wanted fugitive. And yet here I was. About to
die not at the hands of my fatherâs royal guards, but in the roaring clutches
of some rogue beast whoâd stumbled upon my trail in the darkness of this
primordial forest.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">No one would ever find my body. I would not be remembered; oh
no. There would be no fond memories of me, the daughter who betrayed her
kingdom. No songs of my life would be sung in the temple chambers.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">My father and his advisors would be all too eager to have the
kingdom forget me â a garish blemish on the pristine annals of the royal
Aphaterrin family history. Word had likely spread throughout the entire kingdom
by now; I was twenty-three days gone. Everyone in the capitol would have seen
the Kingâs guards scouring the city streets for the runaway princess, the lost
heir of Nezaria.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The scent of violet blossoms and wild mushrooms strangled the
air, and sinister whispers from everywhere and nowhere tormented my ears as I
ran. The very earth underfoot railed against the power coursing through my
veins â a grotesque and silent rebellion. These cursed woods would see me dead;
fantastic monsters of nightmares and dangerous inhabitants better left
undiscovered both prowled this desolate woodland.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">No, this land wanted nothing less than to obey my magic, to
render me as weak as Iâd been in those last terrible moments in my fatherâs
castle. When no one had a shred of compassion to offer me; when Iâd been
defenseless against the High Priestessâ curse.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-large;"><b><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;">CRITIQUE (My words in </span></b><b><span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;">red
font</span></b><b><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;">):<o:p></o:p></span></b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">My blood raged.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">My heart threatened to burst.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Every ragged breath clawed its way down my throat.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">But the horrible roar of chasing wings thundered behind me, and
so I ran on.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Good opening, but because we donât have an image to frame the
stimulus until line four, it loses some of itâs impact. Iâd lead with âThe
horrible roar of chasing wingsâŚâ line, then let the other threeâwhich are
responses to that, follow.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The twilight sky above was tinged with blood red streaks as the
sun descended over the spectral wilderness. A vast and devastating darkness
hovered over the forest here. It was black, limitless. Terrible. The kind of
infinite peril that prowled and watched, waiting to sink its teeth into me and
devour my flesh as my very heart still beat.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Your prose is good, but youâre over-writing in an attempt to create
drama. The problem is, we arenât getting enough sensory details (sight, sound,
smell, touch) to make the larger images feel real. Later in a story this might
work, when the readerâs deep in the movie in their mind. But right now youâre
trying to ground them in this reality, not sweep their emotions away on your
tantalizing prose. Pare this back to actual sensationsâthe bark on the tree,
the clap of wings, the air rushing past the characterâs face, that kind of
thing, <i>then </i>pull out to show us the
bigger landscape.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Snarled tree branches resisted my magic, then unfurled and moved
with reluctance at my command, parting the way as my racing footsteps fell
silent as shadows on the forest floor. I called down a hazy, smothering fog.
That should help conceal me from whatever winged monster had scented me out.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Great action. Just pull it back a hair to the senses. And, honestly,
âdragonâ (if thatâs what it is) is <i>way </i>more
evocative than âwinged monsterâ. Single word, specific nouns will always have
more impact than adjectives/modifiers on generic nouns when youâre establishing
your reality.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I shouldnât be here. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Thatâs a given, what with the danger. Either cut it, or change to a
character or story specific reason <i>why </i>they
shouldnât be there. âJonas told me if I tried to steal the egg, the dragon
females would hunt me . . .â (except, better than that. Iâm just letting you
see what I mean).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">This forest was dark, dangerous. Haunted. But it was the only
path from the kingdom of Nezaria to the North Sea. And I had to get there.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">My life depended on it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<i><span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Ah. </span></i><span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Thatâs what we needed. You could cut the âI shouldnât be hereâ line
and replace this paragraph with something more active to the plot. Show him/her
cursing the dragons for standing between them and whatever reason it is they
need to get to the North Sea, or whatever. Weave that motive into the action,
rather than pausing the action to state the motiveâdoes that make sense?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Iâd never given much thought to leaving my fatherâs kingdom. <i>My </i>kingdom.
It was a far-away impossibility. Less than a dream. My life in Nezaria had been
fated long before I was even born. And the few times that I had given such
delusions space in my mindâŚwell, in those fantasies my departure certainly had
not been under circumstances like these.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">You started with a bang, now weâre slowing the pace and not actually
learning much of great importance. Iâd cut this. Keep the action moving and,
until the action slows or shifts, only give internal narration specific to the
readers need to understand. I.e. we do need to understand why this character has
to be here, in this specific spot. We donât need to understand that theyâd
never thought about leaving beforeâthat can come later as we get to know them
and understand what theyâre dealing with more urgently.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I had never once in all of my near twenty years considered that
I would become the kingdomâs most wanted fugitive. And yet here I was. About to
die not at the hands of my fatherâs royal guards, but in the roaring clutches
of some rogue beast whoâd stumbled upon my trail in the darkness of this primordial
forest.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Again, rather than telling us he/she never expected to be a
fugitive, have them observe the irony of being a fugitive, yet potentially
dying at the business ends of those talons, or whatever suits their
personality. This moment is about moving the action forward, and us getting to
know the characterânot musings on their life. Right now, theyâre facing deathâthat
creates urgency. So match that urgency with your storytelling.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">No one would ever find my body. I would not be remembered; oh
no. There would be no fond memories of me, the daughter who betrayed her
kingdom. No songs of my life would be sung in the temple chambers.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">A good, organic way to tell us weâre listening to a <i>her. </i>But cut the second sentence and âof
my lifeâ in the last oneâget us to the intent with as few words as possible, so
as to keep the action moving.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">My father and his advisors would be all too eager to have the
kingdom forget me â a garish blemish on the pristine annals of the royal
Aphaterrin family history. Word had likely spread throughout the entire kingdom
by now; I was twenty-three days gone. Everyone in the capitol would have seen
the Kingâs guards scouring the city streets for the runaway princess, the lost
heir of Nezaria.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">All of this is backstory, and itâs the wrong place for it. This is
all important information, but we need action and character <i>first. </i>Get the reader in engaged, then
explain to them in bits and piecesâonly as theyâre relevant to the current
actionâhow the character got to this point. Otherwise we donât have a reason to
care about all of this.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The scent of violet blossoms and wild mushrooms strangled the
air, <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">This is a pastoral image. Given that sheâs being chased by a dragon,
you want to go be going for sensory details that increase the stakes and sense
of doomâthe sulphuric stench of its hot breath, maybe the skritch of talons on
a boulder as it tries to grab her, than kind of thing. Maybe she sees the heads
of the blossoms cut through by her pounding feet as she runs through them if
you want to give the sense of the landscape, but increase the tension instead
of descreasing it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">and sinister whispers from everywhere and nowhere tormented my
ears as I ran. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">This kind of line sounds great, but doesnât actually tell the reader
anything. Keep them grounded in reality. Leave the lyricism for emotional
passages later.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The very earth underfoot railed against the power coursing
through my veins â a grotesque and silent rebellion. These cursed woods would see
me dead; fantastic monsters of nightmares and dangerous inhabitants better left
undiscovered both prowled this desolate woodland.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Again, youâre using great words, but thereâs no new information
here. We know sheâs in danger. Show us whatâs <i>happening.<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">No, this land wanted nothing less than to obey my magic, to
render me as weak as Iâd been in those last terrible moments in my fatherâs
castle. When no one had a shred of compassion to offer me; when Iâd been
defenseless against the High Priestessâ curse.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">So, the fact that her magic doesnât want to work out here is an
important detail. But instead of just telling us (this is the second time),
show usâshow her trying to make something happen, and it fizzling. Or show her
weaving a spell to create a flash that bursts in her own face instead of the
dragonsâdescribe the action and use the action to <i>show </i>the reader whatâs happening, instead of using pretty words to <i>tell </i>the reader something theyâd rather
watch, than learn.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br /></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"><b>SUMMARY:<o:p></o:p></b></span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt;">So, your opening is well written from a grammar/word-usage point of
view, which tells me you have talent. You donât use a lot of extra words to get
your point across, which is great. You know what words dredge up emotion, and
you know how to put them together.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt;">Unfortunately, that skillâs getting lost in focusing on the wrong
details and information. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt;">In the first chapterâ<i>especially</i>
in the first 500 wordsâyou want a paragraph of backstory at the most. (None
works. A sentence or two is enough). Because your job at this early stage is
twofold: <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; margin-left: .75in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt;">1.<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt;">Make the world feel real so the reader falls into
it. <i><o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; margin-left: .75in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt;">2.<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt;">Make the reader care about the character by
putting them in a situation that makes the reader <i>feel </i>anything that will resonateâanger, fear, hurt, excitement . .
. <i><o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt;">Whatever it is (here it would be fear) carry the character through
that scene, building up the readerâs tension, and only offering backstory where
itâs required to understand the action.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt;">Do </span></i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt;">give the character an intent (getting to the North Sea).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt;">Donât </span></i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt;">drop the character deep into internal narration, except in response
to actionâand even then, only in small pieces. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt;">Always keep the action rolling.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt;">As a mentor, if I received this in Pitch Wars and the moments of this chapter that were forward-moving were all the content, I would probably ask for a few more chapters to see if it engaged me. As currently written, I wouldn't request.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt;">That said, itâs obvious to me, because Iâve read further, that you are a solid
writer and you have a well-imagined world. All you need help with is understanding what information is important, and which details
ground your reader--what words are unnecessary. The actual pen-to-paper skill is fine.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt;">Donât be discouraged! Structure and word-cutting can be learned. How to put words
together for maximum effect canât. Youâre going to go far.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt;">Good luck!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt;"> </span></div>
</div>
AimeeLSalterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17763596557256341788noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2622477097361465.post-9202012342587874372017-05-17T00:30:00.000-07:002017-05-17T00:30:09.566-07:00Pitch Wars Early Bird Mentor Critique 11 - First 500 - YA Contemporary Fantasy<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<b style="color: #505050; font-family: Georgia, Utopia, "Palatino Linotype", Palatino, serif; font-size: 13.2px;">To skip directly to the material and critique, scroll down to the star divider line. If you'd like to know how I break down a critique, and what I'm looking for, keep reading:</b><br />
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</div>
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<span style="font-family: georgia, utopia, "palatino linotype", palatino, serif;"><br /></span>To help the authors as much as possible, I've critiqued their full first chapter, however I'm only sharing the first 500 words as these can get quite long.</div>
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When critiquing a first chapter, (especially the first 500 words), I'm always searching for these pieces of information. A great book can include all of them right up front. Sometimes one or two need to take longer. But in the first page, or two at most, I should see <i>at least </i>three of these:</div>
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<br />- <i>Who</i> is the focus of the story?<br />- <i>Where </i>are they?<br />- <i>When </i>is it (i.e. what era--is it today? two hundred years ago? not sure?)<br />- <i>What </i>are they doing?<br />- <i>Why </i>are they doing it</div>
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And in the first chapter, if not the first 500 words, I want to know what the character's initial goal is. That goal will likely change as they learn more about the situation they're falling into. However, right up front, the character always needs to want something--desperately. And the author needs to communicate to me what that is, and why they might not get it, as quickly as possible. Because that's what tells me why I should care about this story.</div>
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I'm looking for technical expertise--does the author know how to set up a scene? Do they understand backstory and when to include it (and perhaps more importantly, when <i>not </i>to). Is their writing tight and polished, or are there a lot of unnecessary words? Is the author falling into purple prose (over-writing in an attempt to sound good, but actually creating a sense of melodrama which will turn many readers off).</div>
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Beyond that, I'm looking at how I respond as a reader. Am I intrigued? Do I care? Do I want to keep reading?</div>
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So, with all those elements in mind, here we go...</div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">********************</span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , serif;"><b><span style="font-size: x-large;">ORIGINAL MATERIAL:<o:p></o:p></span></b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">It doesnât take a genius to know Freyja isnât coming.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 9.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I peer through the clouded windshield and scoot lower in the
freezing captainâs chair. Iâve been waiting half an hour in this cockpit, the
icy shell of a wrecked passenger plane that acts as our meeting spot in the
center of town. My stomachâs heavy and seasick, the way youâd feel if you ate a
whole jar of pickled herring in one sitting. It set in the minute I got the
rejection letter this morning. Itâs only getting worse as the day drags on.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 9.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I told Freyja this was important.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 9.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I let out a slow breath and watch it fog and swirl in the still
air of the cockpit. On the horizon, the just-risen sun catches on the low,
jagged hills that hide the nearby fjord. It spits sunbeams. The earth and sky
are gears struggling against each other for purchase.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 9.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Itâs winter in Iceland, and even deeper winter in Eldeyja. My
home sits a hundred kilometers off the main islandâs north coast, well within
the Arctic Circle. Weâre a flame-shaped speck on the tempestuous open sea, and
this time of year, we hardly ever see daylight.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 9.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Itâs the sort of weather that makes the dragons ill-tempered.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 9.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I check my phone again. Itâs nearly noon. <i>Where is
she?</i></span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 9.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I know what sheâs usually doing this time of day. She might be
up a fjord tending dragon pups, or in the lava fields coaxing rock dragons from
their burrows so she can dress their bite wounds. Itâs what she was born to do.
Sheâs the only person on the island who can, and I see how much she loves it. I
donât usually mind the way it eats up most of her life</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 9.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">But this time, I let the ill feeling in my stomach turn over
into frustration. I text her a string of question marks, then tug my coat over
my noseâitâs already zipped as high as it can goâand swing out of the cockpit,
down through the hollow fuselage.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 9.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Between the windows, historical plaques cling to the rusty
walls. The plane wrecked on the island fifty years ago and was relocated into
the town square to be a transportation exhibit. An ironic one, I think. Eldeyja
doesnât have planes at all.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 9.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I drag a gloved hand across the first panel on my way out. It
shows a photo of this plane from forty years ago, when it crashed here. Even in
water-stained black and white, itâs a fright. Flames pouring from the windows,
tail snapped off by the sheer force of a whale-sized crater dragonâs fearsome
claws.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 9.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Our scaly friends donât like to share their skies.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 9.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I step through the ragged gap into the choppy wind and clump
down the metal stairs, clinging to the handrail to avoid the ice slicked on the
grated steps. The little park sits near the center of town, but today it lies
deserted, halfway buried in drifts and plowed mountains of wet snow. Freyjaâs
still nowhere to be found.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 9.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-large;"><b><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">CRITIQUE (My notes in </span></b><b><span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">red
font</span></b><b><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">):<o:p></o:p></span></b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">It doesnât take a genius to know Freyja isnât coming.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 9.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I peer through the clouded windshield and scoot lower in the
freezing captainâs chair. Iâve been waiting half an hour in this cockpit, the
icy shell of a wrecked passenger plane that acts as our meeting spot in the
center of town. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Youâve got the right elements here to kick off a story, but you need
to back off on the modifiers/descriptors. Choose one of âcloudedâ, âFreezingâ, âicyâ,
and âwreckedâ. Itâs slowing your pace and creating too much to process in such
a short time. Use showing, rather than telling. (I.e. If you want to show that
itâs cold outside, give condensation on the windows, or her breath clouding
while she waits). <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">My stomachâs heavy and seasick, the way youâd feel if you ate a
whole jar of pickled herring in one sitting. It set in the minute I got the
rejection letter this morning. Itâs only getting worse as the day drags on.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">What kind of rejection letter? I know it feels like youâre building
mystery, but instead it creates a question that canât be answered, so an image
canât be assigned to it. That mental loop takes a split second that pulls the
reader out of the read and creates the beginning of frustration. Simple fix,
say âUSC rejection letterâ or âthe honors program rejection letterââwhatever it
is, give the reader the image and add that important detail to the world youâre
building (it will subconsciously tell them both about the current conflict, and
the character herself)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I told Freyja this was important.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 9.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I let out a slow breath and watch it fog and swirl in the still
air of the cockpit. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Ah, there your showing is. Move this up to the front so itâs
creating a picture before we move into information.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">On the horizon, the just-risen sun catches on the low, jagged
hills that hide the nearby fjord. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Lots of modifiers again âjust-risenâ, âlow, jaggedâ, ânearbyââŚall
these extra words actually hurt you this early in the read, when the reader is
still aware of reading words, rather than falling into a moving image. Cut all
but one at the most (in theory, there should only be one in the first 250-500
words. Use images to show, instead).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">It spits sunbeams. The earth and sky are gears struggling
against each other for purchase.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 9.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Itâs winter in Iceland, and even deeper winter in Eldeyja. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"> Because I stink at geography,
I donât know if this is a real place or not. If this is real world, make sure
and give other details to confirm it, because your setting, while realistic, is
unique, and a strange name like that made me question.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Secondarily, my advice would be to move this right up to the topâshow
us where she is, then how she feels, and what sheâs doing. Give the setting
parameters first so this isnât happening in a vacuum. Then the reader will fall
into it faster because things feel tangible.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">My home sits a hundred kilometers off the main islandâs north
coast, well within the Arctic Circle. Weâre a flame-shaped speck on the
tempestuous open sea, and this time of year, we hardly ever see daylight.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 9.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Itâs the sort of weather that makes the dragons ill-tempered.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">More modifiers. But Iâll stop hammering at that. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Aha! Fantasy. So go ahead and leave the question there, but still
move those setting details to the beginning, then shift to this after the observation
that Frejya isnât coming, etc.</span><span style="color: red; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 9.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I check my phone again. Itâs nearly noon. <i>Where is
she?</i></span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 9.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I know what sheâs usually doing this time of day. She might be
up a fjord tending dragon pups, or in the lava fields coaxing rock dragons from
their burrows so she can dress their bite wounds. Itâs what she was born to do.
Sheâs the only person on the island who can, and I see how much she loves it. I
donât usually mind the way it eats up most of her life</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 9.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">But this time, I let the ill feeling in my stomach turn over
into frustration. I text her a string of question marks, then tug my coat over
my noseâitâs already zipped as high as it can goâand swing out of the cockpit,
down through the hollow fuselage.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Nice. Youâre losing the constant descriptors so the read is much
smoother.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Between the windows, historical plaques cling to the rusty
walls. The plane wrecked on the island fifty years ago and was relocated into
the town square to be a transportation exhibit. An ironic one, I think. Eldeyja
doesnât have planes at all.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Excellent world-building.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I drag a gloved hand across the first panel on my way out. It
shows a photo of this plane from forty years ago, when it crashed here. Even in
water-stained black and white, itâs a fright. Flames pouring from the windows,
tail snapped off by the sheer force of a whale-sized crater dragonâs fearsome
claws.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I had to re-read that last sentence four times, and Iâm still not
100% what it was saying. The name of the animal is a crater dragon? If thatâs
not right, you need to clarify. If that is correct, and the species is
important to the early world-building, keep whale-sized or fearsome, drop the
crater, and use a second sentence. That way itâs very clear and concise, the
reader wonât be forced to re-read (which breaks the flow) and you get all your
details in. Something along these lines: <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">ââŚtail snapped off by the sheer force of a whale-sized dragonâs claws.
A crater dragon, they say.â<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Our scaly friends donât like to share their skies.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 9.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Nice line. Good world-building.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I step through the ragged gap into the choppy wind and clump
down the metal stairs, clinging to the handrail to avoid the ice slicked on the
grated steps. The little park sits near the center of town, but today it lies
deserted, halfway buried in drifts and plowed mountains of wet snow. Freyjaâs
still nowhere to be found.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<br />
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Lots and lots of modifiers, and they change the rhythm of your read.
They arenât needed for you to make this feel real. Instead, give sensory
detailsâsmell, sound, sensation. Donât talk about the choppy wind, have her
pick hair of out her mouth thatâs blown across it. Or her palm prickles, chilled
by the metal handrail, that kind of thing. Itâs much more tangible and draws
the reader deeper, instead of having this constant see-saw of words that just
describe a picture. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , serif;"><b><span style="font-size: x-large;">SUMMARY:<o:p></o:p></span></b></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Youâve got a great setting (and yay for a cold climate in a
dragon book!), intriguing element in the dragons themselves, and your writing <i>clearly </i>shows that you know how to weave
a scene. Well done.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">All you have to do it look for these moments of âadjective-noun,
the adjective-adjective nounâ and replace them with sensory detail. Youâre
doing well with the sight, so add smells, sensations of air, cold, or metal on
skin, sounds of feet clunking on metal stairs, that kind of thing. If you do
that, this opening will rock. (I mean that). <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 19.2pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Because Iâve read ahead, I also know that you nail your chapter
out. That kind of cliff-hanger detail is exactly what this despondent character
needs so the reader feels excitement, rather than depression (if you know what
I mean). <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">All in all, while I got nit-picky about word choices, itâs
overall a great opening chapter. I think with some finessing youâll definitely
get requests in Pitch Wars (if I received this one, Iâd request at least a
partial to see if I liked where the story was going). <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Good luck!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
AimeeLSalterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17763596557256341788noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2622477097361465.post-43405359405926553322017-05-16T00:30:00.000-07:002017-05-16T00:30:09.086-07:00Pitch Wars Early Bird Mentor Critique No.10 - Query - MG Urban Fantasy<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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If you'd like to read the first 500 words of the manuscript (and its critique) that this query represents, <a href="http://www.aimeelsalter.com/2017/05/pitch-wars-early-bird-critique-3-first.html">go here.</a></div>
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<i><span style="background-color: white; color: #505050; font-family: "georgia" , "utopia" , "palatino linotype" , "palatino" , serif; font-size: 13.2px;">When I read a query, or query blurb of a story, I'm looking for five major elements communicated crisply, quickly, and clearly:</span></i></div>
<i><br style="background-color: white; color: #505050; font-family: Georgia, Utopia, "Palatino Linotype", Palatino, serif; font-size: 13.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #505050; font-family: "georgia" , "utopia" , "palatino linotype" , "palatino" , serif; font-size: 13.2px;">Who is the book about, where are they (and when, if applicable)? What does the protagonist want? What's the conflict, and who or what is the antagonistic force? What's at stake--and for your final hook, what </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #505050; font-family: "georgia" , "utopia" , "palatino linotype" , "palatino" , serif; font-size: 13.2px;">specific </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #505050; font-family: "georgia" , "utopia" , "palatino linotype" , "palatino" , serif; font-size: 13.2px;">obstacle will potentially stop the protagonist from achieving their goal?</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #505050; font-family: Georgia, Utopia, "Palatino Linotype", Palatino, serif; font-size: 13.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #505050; font-family: "georgia" , "utopia" , "palatino linotype" , "palatino" , serif; font-size: 13.2px;"><br /></span></i><br />
<i><span style="background-color: white; color: #505050; font-family: "georgia" , "utopia" , "palatino linotype" , "palatino" , serif; font-size: 13.2px;">If a query can outline that in under 250 words, it's a winner. So let's take a look at this query and see how it stacks up:</span></i><br />
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: x-large;"><b>ORIGINAL MATERIAL:</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">Obsessed with his fatherâs murder, Leonidas
discovers heâs a descendant of the legendary monster hunter Abraham van
Helsing. This heritage makes him a target of the monsters responsible for his
dadâs death.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">When descendants turn thirteen, they exude a scent
marking them to the occult, which explains his attack by werewolves. Except,
heâs only twelve. Which may signify that a darker destiny awaits him. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Leoâs whisked away to a secret school, nestled deep
in the Adirondack Mountains. There heâs told about a lost prophecy foretelling
of one with special powers who could bring an end to the war of the immortals.
A war, humankind is losing. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Mentored by several instructors, a vampire and
werewolf among them, Leo begins to develop unique talents. Powers that, despite
his reluctance, force him to accept the corollary between he and the âchosen
one.â <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">When the sanctuary of the school is infiltrated by
the enemy, he must race to dig deeper into the mystery of the prophecyâhuman
history, mythology and folkloreâto save himself, his family, and friends. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Because if evidence of the occultâs existence is
hidden in plain sight throughout historyâwhoâs responsible for putting it
there? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">And what do they know about Leo?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<br />
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Perhaps the only thing worse than being the chosen
one is finding out that youâre not.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<b><br /></b>
<b><span style="font-size: x-large;">CRITIQUE:</span></b><br />
<br />
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Obsessed with his fatherâs murder, Leonidas
discovers heâs a descendant of the legendary monster hunter Abraham van
Helsing. This heritage makes him a target of the monsters responsible for his
dadâs death.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Great opening line, though the last
sentence is a little wordyâyou donât need the heritage bit. Just state that heâs
a target. Get the reader there as succinctly as possible.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">When descendants turn thirteen, <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Descendants of what? It canât be just this
man, because thereâs only one. So either remove âdescedantsâ or flesh it out
with âdescendents of âŚâ<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">they exude a scent marking them to the occult, which
explains his attack by werewolves. Except, heâs only twelve. Which may signify
that a darker destiny awaits him. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">This paragraph was the only one in the
query that I had to re-read to understand. Itâs kind of a weird structure. Weâre
just backhandedly throwing in an attack by werewolves. Oh, and the statement at
the beginning doesnât actually apply? I know thatâs not your intention, but Iâd
work on this and write it in a linear fashion so X, equals Y, which raises Z issue.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Leoâs whisked away to a secret school, nestled deep
in the Adirondack Mountains. There heâs told about a lost prophecy foretelling
of one with special powers who could bring an end to the war of the immortals.
A war, humankind is losing. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">This is great, but sounding <i>very </i>much like Rick Riordanâs Percy
Jackson series. And although you definitely want to connect with that audience,
Iâm getting the first flash here that we might have what effectively amounts to
a retelling. Try to hit a point of difference to assuage that concern.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">To improve the impact, remove the
melodramatic words phrasings like âthe oneâ and replace with modern day things
like âboyâ. Special powers could become âabilitiesâ, that sort of thing. Ground
it in the here and now so we get a true sense that thereâs this real, hidden
world weâre about to be introduced to (which is a lot more fun, in my opinion,
than just a straight fantasyâbut thatâs
subjective). <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Mentored by several instructors, a vampire and
werewolf among them, Leo begins to develop unique talents. Powers that, despite
his reluctance, force him to accept the corollary between he and the âchosen
one.â <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Definitely getting a âPercy Jackson
lookalikeâ feel. That aside (because not all agents will think thatâs a bad
thing), extra words and dramatic phrasings are getting in your way: Mentored by
several instructors, including a vampire and a werewolf, Leoâs unique talents develop
despite his reluctance. Heâs forced to accept that he may be the prophesied boy.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Mineâs five words shorter, and can you see
how itâs more âthis worldâ, and active?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">When the sanctuary of the school is infiltrated by
the enemy, he must race to dig deeper into the mystery of the prophecyâhuman
history, mythology and folkloreâto save himself, his family, and friends. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Iâd be more specific on âenemyâ. Tell us
exactly what it isâwe donât need itâs history, or anything to make the
paragraph too long. Just a specific reference so we know what Leo wants to
beat.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Again, thereâs a little melodrama and some
extra words. You donât need to mention the prophecy again, we already know thatâs
the basis of the beliefs around this. Iâd just have him dig deeper into human
history, mythology and folklore (which is the truly intriguing part of stories
like thisâwhere they intersect with our real lives and mythology). Iâd also
simplify and say âsave himself and everyone he loves.â Itâs actually got more
impact and gives you a reason to care about Leo.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Because if evidence of the occultâs existence is
hidden in plain sight throughout historyâwhoâs responsible for putting it
there? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">That wouldnât be my first question. My
first question would be, how has it stayed hidden?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">And what do they know about Leo?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: red;">Yep, good. Thatâs very close to the keyâI think you
want to go a step further. It needs to be a statement, not a question. And it
needs to show whatâs at stake:<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: red;">We know thereâs a prophecy, a war, and Leoâs
probably the key to winning. So what do they want with him? Just state it. Donât
make it a question. âLeo must stay alive long enough to do X, and stop Y
happening.â<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Perhaps the only thing worse than being the chosen
one is finding out that youâre not.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Wait, what? (See summary)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: x-large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">SUMMARY:</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Iâll be completely honest: Nothing in this blurb
indicates that Leo isnât the chosen one. If he isnât why are we following him
through a book? That makes me think this last question is an author vehicle to
make me <i>think </i>heâs not, when weâre
going to discover that he actually is. (Which wonât be a shock, because,
spoiler alert: Thereâs a book about him.)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Whatâs your major obstacle for Leo? Is it knowing
whether heâs chosen or not? Or is it what heâll be tasked with because he is?
Because if he <i>is </i>the chosen one, this
last sentence needs to be cut and replaced with something that indicates Leo
could die (or fail) and what the consequence of that would be. Because <i>thatâs </i>where your meat is. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Most of this query content read quite strongly until
that last line. That made me go back and ask myself what I missedâwhich lowers
my trust in the author. You donât want to do that. It feels like you set up one
book, then threw another one at me at the last minute.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Query should show your main character, their
setting, who/what theyâre fighting against, what the conflict is, and whatâs at
stake. It shouldnât tell the reader <i>how </i>Leo
will survive/win. But it should demonstrate that he has toâand what will happen
if he doesnât. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I hope Iâve given you enough guidance to make that
happen, because having read your first chapter, I know thereâs some great ideas
here. You want to do them justice in this little outline!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Good luck!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
</div>
AimeeLSalterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17763596557256341788noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2622477097361465.post-21731468741211243522017-05-12T00:30:00.000-07:002017-05-12T00:30:11.834-07:00Pitch Wars Early Bird Mentor Critique 9 - QUERY - YA Contemporary Fantasy<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div style="background-color: white; color: #505050; font-family: Georgia, Utopia, "Palatino Linotype", Palatino, serif; font-size: 13.2px;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "utopia" , "palatino linotype" , "palatino" , serif; font-size: 13.2px;">When I read a query, or query blurb, I'm looking for five major elements communicated crisply, quickly, and clearly:</span></div>
<br style="background-color: white; color: #505050; font-family: Georgia, Utopia, "Palatino Linotype", Palatino, serif; font-size: 13.2px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #505050; font-family: "georgia" , "utopia" , "palatino linotype" , "palatino" , serif; font-size: 13.2px;">Who is the book about, where are they (and when, if applicable)? What does the protagonist want? What's the conflict, and who or what is the antagonistic force? What's at stake--and for your final hook, what </span><i style="background-color: white; color: #505050; font-family: Georgia, Utopia, "Palatino Linotype", Palatino, serif; font-size: 13.2px;">specific </i><span style="background-color: white; color: #505050; font-family: "georgia" , "utopia" , "palatino linotype" , "palatino" , serif; font-size: 13.2px;">obstacle will potentially stop the protagonist from achieving their goal?</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #505050; font-family: "georgia" , "utopia" , "palatino linotype" , "palatino" , serif; font-size: 13.2px;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #505050; font-family: "georgia" , "utopia" , "palatino linotype" , "palatino" , serif; font-size: 13.2px;">If a query can outline that in under 250 words, it's a winner. So let's take a look at this query and see how it stacks up:</span><br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">ORIGINAL
MATERIAL:<o:p></o:p></span></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Dear [Agent]:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Hazel Blackmore knows everything there is to know
about magic: from what essences are needed to enchant her way to the perfect
cup of coffee, to solving complex potioning equations. The only thing stopping
her from being the most competent practitioner the world has ever seen is her
complete lack of magical ability, without with she canât even begin to pull
magic through the Veil. The best she can do is to work her ass off at her aunt
Enidâs Essence Distillery to prove herself.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">When Enid disappears and several of the essence
brews start unraveling, Hazel has to rely on her own wits to find the solution
to her problems. With the help of Leo, a charming courier with a dark past,
they have to find Enid before an anti magic terrorist group and a black market
gang do.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Only, Leo has an agenda of his own, and Hazel is in
over her head. If she canât find the solution to this problem, things might get
worse than just losing some business. The Veil that holds magic back could tear
and flood Denver with raw magic. And you know what they say about too much of a
good thing⌠<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">[TITLE} is a 75,000 word Contemporary Fantasy that
should appeal to fans of Seannan McGuireâs October Daye series.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Thank you for your consideration,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">[AUTHOR NAME]<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">CRITIQUE
(My words in <span style="color: red;">red font</span>):<o:p></o:p></span></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Dear [Agent]:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Hazel Blackmore knows everything there is to know
about magic: from what essences are needed to enchant her way to the perfect
cup of coffee, to solving complex potioning equations. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Excellent opening! It demonstrates exactly
who the character is and what theyâre dealing with in this story. Well done.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">The only thing stopping her from being the most
competent practitioner the world has ever seen is her complete lack of magical
ability, without with she canât even begin to pull magic through the Veil. The
best she can do is to work her ass off at her aunt Enidâs Essence Distillery to
prove herself.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Great info, though you first sentence is
run-on. Try to break it up, and use the least possible amount of words to
express the idea (i.e. instead of âthe world has ever seenâ you could use âin
historyâ). Weâre also getting hints of the voice, which is ideal. Very good.</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">When Enid disappears and several of the essence
brews start unraveling, Hazel has to rely on her own wits to find the solution
to her problems. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Great set up, but find something sharper
than âthe solution to her problemsâ. What is the problemâwhat could happen if
the brews actually unravel? Use that: âHazel has to rely on her own wits to
avoid X destroying Y.â<br />
<!--[if !supportLineBreakNewLine]--><br />
<!--[endif]--></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">With the help of Leo, a charming courier with a dark
past, they have to find Enid before an anti magic terrorist group and a black
market gang do.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Youâve got all the right elements here,
but if it works for your plot, introduce the terrorist/black market groups
before this. âWhen Enid disappears with an anti-magic terrorist group on her
heels, several of her brews start to unravelâŚ.â Or something like that.
Whatever works for your story. But introduce that conflict where it applies.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Only, Leo has an agenda of his own, and Hazel is in
over her head. If she canât find the solution to this problem, things might get
worse than just losing some business. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">The last sentence here is unnecessary. The
stakes (which are crucial) are laid out in the follow sentence, so just move
directly to that. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">The Veil that holds magic back could tear and flood
Denver with raw magic. And you know what they say about too much of a good
thing⌠<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">No, we donât. This is the first real
problem with your query. We need to know what could happenâand we need to know
what obstacle Hazel faces to stop it happening. I gather sheâs got to figure
out how to stop magic without using magic, but you havenât cleared that up. And
this is too vague to make the reader ride it out to find out. Make it specific:
âHazel must save Enid from X and get her home. Otherwise the brews could flood
Denver with raw magic, tearing the city from its foundations and killing
everyone in itâincluding Hazel.â Thatâs not a good example, but I want you to
see what weâre looking for: Hazel has a task or goal that must be achieved,
identify who or what could stop her, then show what will happen if she fails.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">[TITLE} is a 75,000 word Contemporary Fantasy that
should appeal to fans of Seannan McGuireâs October Daye series.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Thank you for your consideration,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">[AUTHOR NAME]<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Excellent!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 115%;"><b><span style="font-size: x-large;">SUMMARY:<o:p></o:p></span></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Overall, a very well delivered query. Thereâs
moments that are too vague, but I suspect even without those youâd get some
requests if your sample material is up to scratch.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">If you really want to engage the readerâs (agentâs)
interest, make your conflict and stakes specific. Let us get a glimpse of what
will go wrong unless Hazel succeeds. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">And one side note: Youâve hinted that Leo might not
be a good guy, but nothingâs panning out here. Iâd be inclined to follow
through on that by indicating that Hazel has to do X whether Leoâs helping her
or not. Give a stronger hint there. Does Hazel think she has to do this aloneâor
worse, is Leo actually working against her? Your query is nice and short, so it
wonât be hurt by adding an extra sentence or two to heighten the tension on
that point.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">But overall, be very pleased. Youâve got really
strong bones here. With a little refinement, I suspect youâll get a lot of
interest.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Good luck!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
AimeeLSalterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17763596557256341788noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2622477097361465.post-20283789904541082732017-05-11T00:30:00.000-07:002017-05-11T00:30:01.373-07:00Pitch Wars Early Bird Mentor Critique 8 - First 500 - YA Contemporary Fantasy<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<br />
<div style="background-color: white; color: #505050; font-family: Georgia, Utopia, "Palatino Linotype", Palatino, serif; font-size: 13.2px;">
<b>To skip directly to the material and critique, scroll down to the star divider line. If you'd like to know how I break down a critique, and what I'm looking for, keep reading:</b></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #505050; font-family: Georgia, Utopia, "Palatino Linotype", Palatino, serif; font-size: 13.2px; text-align: center;">
</div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "utopia" , "palatino linotype" , "palatino" , serif;"><br /></span>To help the authors as much as possible, I've critiqued their full first chapter, however I'm only sharing the first 500 words as these can get quite long.</div>
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When critiquing a first chapter, (especially the first 500 words), I'm always searching for these pieces of information. A great book can include all of them right up front. Sometimes one or two need to take longer. But in the first page, or two at most, I should see <i>at least </i>three of these:</div>
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- <i>Who</i> is the focus of the story?<br />
- <i>Where </i>are they?<br />
- <i>When </i>is it (i.e. what era--is it today? two hundred years ago? not sure?)<br />
- <i>What </i>are they doing?<br />
- <i>Why </i>are they doing it</div>
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And in the first chapter, if not the first 500 words, I want to know what the character's initial goal is. That goal will likely change as they learn more about the situation they're falling into. However, right up front, the character always needs to want something--desperately. And the author needs to communicate to me what that is, and why they might not get it, as quickly as possible. Because that's what tells me why I should care about this story.</div>
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I'm looking for technical expertise--does the author know how to set up a scene? Do they understand backstory and when to include it (and perhaps more importantly, when <i>not </i>to). Is their writing tight and polished, or are there a lot of unnecessary words? Is the author falling into purple prose (over-writing in an attempt to sound good, but actually creating a sense of melodrama which will turn many readers off).</div>
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Beyond that, I'm looking at how I respond as a reader. Am I intrigued? Do I care? Do I want to keep reading?</div>
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So, with all those elements in mind, here we go...</div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "utopia" , "palatino linotype" , "palatino" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-large;">********************</span></div>
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<b><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">ORIGINAL MATERIAL: </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></b></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><b>Chapter One<o:p></o:p></b></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<a href="https://www.blogger.com/null" name="m_-199563970516019850_m_-249811977368482"><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">It's</span></a><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"> Friday night,
I'm thinking about my destiny and watching a beautiful boy play guitar.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">The coffee shop is nearly empty. Half a mile from school, it's
usually filled with kids, but they clear out on a Friday and on Open
Mic night? You might as well let a skunk loose in the locker room, that's how
empty it gets. Which is fine with me, the emptier the better. I can almost
pretend it's just him and me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">The boy's name is Gareth Davies, and his grade in speech class
is three points ahead of mine, but I'm going to catch up. I'll practice,
practice, practice, until my knees don't shake and my voice doesn't waver when
I spit out those facts and figures I've worked so hard to research, and I'm
going to beat him in our final debate. He's going to be so impressed with how
soundly I've defeated him, he's going to ask me to every dance we have left in
high school, and we're sophomores, so it's kind of a lot. And then--<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I don't know what happens then. I don't know if any of that is
going to happen. This is a daydream, nothing more.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Gareth strums and he sings, and his voice is lovely, but I'm not
following his words. I like the tilt of his head as he plays, and I think about
how a sculptor would capture the tousle of his sandy hair, his jawline, that
little dent in his nose. I am tempted to sketch him myself, but I have no
artistic talent. I'm good at school and I'm great at words, that's it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I have no other talent at all.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">"Earth to Claire, come in, Claire." Fingers snap in
front of my face. "You gotta focus, babe, you're on soon. There are like
eight people waiting to hear you read poetry, and six of them are actually
awake."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">My best friend Danica peers at me, her face hovering much too
close. I shrink back, and tell myself it's her gold eyeshadow that
alarmed me so. It's a look she developed for her YouTube channel, and it's
awesome against her dark skin. Dani always looks awesome, always commands
attention, although usually not so literally as this.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">"Eight people?" I repeat, wondering if she's including
Gareth in that number. Will he stick around to hear my poem?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">"Two more than last time." She takes a breath.
"And you know how you could have got two more--"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">"No." I don't like where this is going. "I don't
want them here."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">"Come on, Claire Bear. Your aunts have never seen my Lady
Macbeth." She straightens the wire circlet that crowns her short dark
curls. "Even they can use a little culture."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">My aunts get plenty of culture. "They can watch the play
with everyone else. They're planning to. Aunt Hope is especially looking forward
to it, she says."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Danica beams under the praise, secondhand though it is.
"Still, if they were here--"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">"Dani, stop." I push up my glasses, bite down on my
lips a moment. "I need this to be just a Claire thing, okay?" There
are precious few of those already, and they'll only decrease in number as I
age. "My aunts are up in my business enough as it is. They're all but
inside my head."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Danica's eyes capture mine. "But they aren't. Inside your
head."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I shift on my chair, tug absently on the end of my braid. "No,
but boundaries are important." And now I sound like Aunt Hope, that's one
of her catch phrases. Which I appreciate a lot, but... "I don't know how
they would feel about my poetry. There's no future in it."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">"How do you know?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I don't. "Poems pay diddly squat."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">"Okay, not poetry, then. But you win the essay contest
every single year. And I have read that story you're doing about your quirky
family. Funniest thing I've read in years."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-large;"><b><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">CRITIQUE (My words in </span></b><b><span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">red
font</span></b></span><b><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">)</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Chapter One<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<br /></div>
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<a href="https://www.blogger.com/null" name="m_8587009538152656275_m_8387019125805154"><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">It's</span></a><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"> Friday night,
I'm thinking about my destiny and watching a beautiful boy play guitar.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #f44336; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Good opening. I know it's going to sound like a tiny change, but
it would be more powerful if you cut "my".</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">The coffee shop is nearly empty. Half a mile from school, it's
usually filled with kids, but they clear out on a Friday and on Open
Mic night? You might as well let a skunk loose in the locker room, that's how
empty it gets. Which is fine with me, the emptier the better. I can almost
pretend it's just him and me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #f44336; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Good framework. However I think you'd go even further by cutting
the reference to school and instead SHOW the empty cafe (make it tangible to us
with actual setting details, then just state that, half a mile from school,
it's packed on weekdays, but she loves the emptiness of open mic night.) This
is the moment to put us in her skin with sight, sound, smell, and/ or sensation
so that the place FEELS real to us and we fall right into the story because of
it.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">The boy's name is Gareth Davies, and his grade in speech class
is three points ahead of mine, but I'm going to catch up. I'll practice,
practice, practice, until my knees don't shake and my voice doesn't waver when
I spit out those facts and figures I've worked so hard to research, and I'm
going to beat him in our final debate. He's going to be so impressed with how
soundly I've defeated him, he's going to ask me to every dance we have left in
high school, and we're sophomores, so it's kind of a lot. And then--<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #f44336; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Adorable. Great indications of voice. Also makes me cringe
(tension is a good thing), so we'll done!</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I don't know what happens then. I don't know if any of that is
going to happen. This is a daydream, nothing more.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Gareth strums and he sings, and his voice is lovely, but I'm not
following his words. I like the tilt of his head as he plays, and I think about
how a sculptor would capture the tousle of his sandy hair, his jawline, that
little dent in his nose. I am tempted to sketch him myself, but I have no
artistic talent. I'm good at school and I'm great at words, that's it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I have no other talent at all.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #f44336; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Cut "At all" for maximum punch.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">"Earth to Claire, come in, Claire." Fingers snap in
front of my face. "You gotta focus, babe, you're on soon. There are like
eight people waiting to hear you read poetry, and six of them are actually
awake."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">My best friend Danica peers at me, her face hovering much too
close. I shrink back, and tell myself it's her gold eyeshadow that
alarmed me so. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #f44336; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Is she from the south or somewhere with their own patois? If so,
make that clear up front. If not, using "alarmed" and ending with
"so" feels old fashioned/too adult.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">It's a look she developed for her YouTube channel, and it's
awesome against her dark skin. Dani always looks awesome, always commands
attention, although usually not so literally as this.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">"Eight people?" I repeat, wondering if she's including
Gareth in that number. Will he stick around to hear my poem?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">"Two more than last time." She takes a breath.
"And you know how you could have got two more--"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">"No." I don't like where this is going. "I don't
want them here."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">"Come on, Claire Bear. Your aunts have never seen my Lady
Macbeth." She straightens the wire circlet that crowns her short dark
curls. "Even they can use a little culture."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">My aunts get plenty of culture. "They can watch the play
with everyone else. They're planning to. Aunt Hope is especially looking
forward to it, she says."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Danica beams under the praise, secondhand though it is.
"Still, if they were here--"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">"Dani, stop." I push up my glasses, bite down on my
lips a moment. "I need this to be just a Claire thing, okay?" There
are precious few of those already, and they'll only decrease in number as I
age.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #f44336; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Again, she doesn't sound 15-16ish. "Precious few"
sounds very adult. I'll stop hammering this, but will note it if it happens
again. I'm raising it because it's a common issue with adults writing teen
voices. If it's part of a colloquialism, you need to introduce that up front so
it isn't distracting.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">"My aunts are up in my business enough as it is. They're
all but inside my head."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Danica's eyes capture mine. "But they aren't. Inside your
head."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I shift on my chair, tug absently on the end of my braid.
"No, but boundaries are important." And now I sound like Aunt Hope,
that's one of her catch phrases. Which I appreciate a lot, but... "I don't
know how they would feel about my poetry. There's no future in it."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">"How do you know?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I don't. "Poems pay diddly squat."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #f44336; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">The point that she wants the aunt's away from her poetry goes a
little too long. The issue of them not seeing it as a viable option for income
in future is valid. Keep that. But I'd stop the back and forth on it after my
last critique not and jump right to "I don't know how they'd
feel...."</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 19.2pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<b><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">SUMMARY:<o:p></o:p></span></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 19.2pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 19.2pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Overall youâve got a really strong opening here. Thereâs some
place for revision, but theyâre fine-tuning. Youâve introduced the right
elements and characters, and thereâs promise at the end of drama happening <i>now </i>that makes the reader want to turn
the page and learn whatâs going to happen.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 19.2pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">My only complaint is that I want to understand a little more
about the premonitions and her experience in her family that are explained a
little further into the chapter. Thatâs your gem. If possible, introduced that
element in this first sceneâjust a hint. Then as the chapter progresses, have
her give one or two moments of fleshing out what happens to her aunts, or
introducing their gift as something she accepts, but doesnât possessâand also
give us a hint about how she feels about their gift. Is she worried people will
find out and be skeptical? Does she trust it? Or does she wonder if itâs just
mind games? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 19.2pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Give us a frameworkâjust the bare outlineâso that when it
happens to her, we feel like weâre being launched into that world.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 19.2pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">It bears repeating: This is finessing thatâs required, not a
rewrite. Youâve done a great job of opening your book, so donât overhaul. Just
add hints and tastes, flavorings of whatâs to come. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 19.2pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">And for what itâs worth, I think Gareth is hot.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
AimeeLSalterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17763596557256341788noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2622477097361465.post-17149417790060904172017-05-10T00:30:00.000-07:002017-05-10T00:30:37.997-07:00Pitch Wars Early Bird Mentor Critique 7 - QUERY - YA High Fantasy<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #505050; font-family: "georgia" , "utopia" , "palatino linotype" , "palatino" , serif; font-size: 13.2px;">When I read a query, or query blurb, I'm looking for five major elements communicated crisply, quickly, and clearly:</span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #505050; font-family: Georgia, Utopia, "Palatino Linotype", Palatino, serif; font-size: 13.2px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #505050; font-family: "georgia" , "utopia" , "palatino linotype" , "palatino" , serif; font-size: 13.2px;">Who is the book about, where are they (and when, if applicable)? What does the protagonist want? What's the conflict, and who or what is the antagonistic force? What's at stake--and for your final hook, what </span><i style="background-color: white; color: #505050; font-family: Georgia, Utopia, "Palatino Linotype", Palatino, serif; font-size: 13.2px;">specific </i><span style="background-color: white; color: #505050; font-family: "georgia" , "utopia" , "palatino linotype" , "palatino" , serif; font-size: 13.2px;">obstacle will potentially stop the protagonist from achieving their goal? All my query notes are written with these things in mind.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #505050; font-family: "georgia" , "utopia" , "palatino linotype" , "palatino" , serif; font-size: 13.2px;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #505050; font-family: georgia, utopia, palatino linotype, palatino, serif;"><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 22.959px;">A NOTE ABOUT THIS QUERY: All the writers who submit to me for critique are putting themselves in a situation of vulnerability. They don't know me, so can't know how I'll review their work. Despite that, in order to be considered, they had to agree to allow me to post their material publicly. </span></span><br />
<span style="color: #505050; font-family: georgia, utopia, palatino linotype, palatino, serif;"><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 22.959px;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="color: #505050; font-family: georgia, utopia, palatino linotype, palatino, serif;"><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 22.959px;">In this case, I've given a lot of corrective feedback. That has no bearing on the book behind the query. Query and blurb writing are a <i>completely </i>different skillset to novel writing.</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #505050; font-family: georgia, utopia, palatino linotype, palatino, serif;"><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 22.959px;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="color: #505050; font-family: georgia, utopia, palatino linotype, palatino, serif;"><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 22.959px;">I am the last writer to judge another for a weak blurb because, quite frankly, I stink at writing them. It's taken eight years of working at this unique skill to write even passable summaries of my stories--despite knowing exactly what should be there, and in what form, and having worked with a senior editor to develop them.</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #505050; font-family: georgia, utopia, palatino linotype, palatino, serif;"><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 22.959px;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="color: #505050; font-family: georgia, utopia, palatino linotype, palatino, serif;"><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 22.959px;">So, as you read the critique I've given, please be clear: I have those utmost respect for this writer and want nothing more than to help them succeed.</span></span><br />
<br />
<br />
<b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">ORIGINAL
MATERIAL:</span></span></b><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">17 year old Vienna has always known there was more
beyond the southern forest. That a life waiting for her beyond The Republic of
Gagadera. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">She's determined to defy everything in order to know
the truth, but when hunters attack and a dark, smoke covered creature saves
her, Vienna is forced into the wild north where a group called Imperium take
special interest in her. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">With no other choice but to join them, Vienna
quickly learns just what sort of hard life awaits her after discovering she is
like the creature that saved her, and that it is from beyond her world. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Thrust into the dangers of comrades and enemies and
new found power, Vienna befriends another like her, Luke, who seems to be both
more in control of his gifts and more interested in Vienna than she seems to
understand. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">But soon, she realizes being different is much
harder than constantly controlling ones emotions. There are laws she doesnât
agree with, decisions that leave her guilty as she's forced to lie in order to
protect herself and Luke, and her dream of beyond the barrier protecting her
world. And as time goes on and she learns her role to Imperium, the hunters and
a few Hybrid Haters arenât her only trouble.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">The ancient barrier protecting their world is in
danger of falling. With it gone, it could mean the destruction of her world.
And with the hunters keen on obtaining Vienna, her loyalty to Imperium is
tested. The more she doubts them, the more Hybrid lives are taken. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Realizing things are much bigger than ever dreamed
Vienna no longer knows who she can trust let alone herself, as dark voices
plague her thoughts and dangerous secrets fill her heart . <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Time is running out for her to make a choice: remain
trapped in Imperium with Luke, or risk all of Gagadera for a life she'd always
wanted.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">My name is [NAME] and [TITLE} is the first
installment of [SERIES TITLE]. It is a 140,000 word YA Fantasy novel. I will be
graduating from California State University, Northridge with a BA in Creative
Writing spring 2017.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">CRITIQUE
(My words in <span style="color: red;">red font</span>):<o:p></o:p></span></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">17 year old Vienna has always known there was more
beyond the southern forest. That a life waiting for her beyond The Republic of
Gagadera. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Iâm not sure if this is one sentence thatâs
been incorrectly edited to become two, or two sentences in which the second one
hasnât been properly proofread. Either way, I can guarantee most agents would
stop reading at this point. Theyâll figure if you canât proof-read a query to
get your blurb clear, then the chances of you having a well-polished 140,000
word manuscript are virtually nil.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">She's determined to defy everything in order to know
the truth, <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">What is âeverythingâ? We have no context
for that reference, so it actually creates questions about what this book
entails, rather than answering them (which is the primary purpose of a queryâto
tell the reader what the book is about in an intriguing way). <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">but when hunters attack and a dark, smoke covered
creature saves her, Vienna is forced into the wild north where a group called
Imperium take special interest in her. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">A common misconception in new authors is
that cool names and mysterious references heighten the sense of drama and
fantasy. Actually, they just create confusion unless theyâre woven with very
clear, concise details. When your book isnât set in the real world, itâs
imperative to give only necessary information, and to give the reader a picture
of what theyâre dealing with. The âSmoke covered creatureâ is a little vague,
though at least I have an idea what it is. However, âhuntersâ, âwild northâ and
âimperiumâ have no reference for me. So theyâre just words on a page. Are
hunters and Imperium humans? Humanoids? Fantasy creatures? Organisations? I donât
know, so I canât form an image in my mind. And the âwild northâ (very
reminiscent of Game of Thrones) hasnât been mentioned before (we had a
reference to the Southern forest, but nothing else) so Iâm clueless again. Is
it a wild environment? A forest full of wild creatures? Or some completely
fabricated construct? I donât know. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">With no other choice but to join them, <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Is she joining the creature, the Imperium,
or the hunters? I assume itâs the imperium, but because so many other details
have been unclear, I donât entirely trust my instincts. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Vienna quickly learns just what sort of hard life
awaits her after discovering she is like the creature that saved her, and that
it is from beyond her world. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">That itâs from beyond her world kind of
goes without sayingâitâs not human, and she didnât know what it was. Yet youâre
also saying that she <i>is</i> a
smoke-covered creature? Yet sheâs never seen one before? Iâll admit, Iâm very
confused.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Thrust into the dangers of comrades and enemies and
new found power, <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">This sentence doesnât actually tell us anything
about the story. Itâs another common mistake that these kinds of vague,
over-arching sentences sound good. However, because they have no detail, all
they do is blend your story with every other fantasy story ever written. Queries
require specificity in order to deliver <i>story
</i>in the brevity thatâs required.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Vienna befriends another like her, Luke, who seems
to be both more in control of his gifts and more interested in Vienna than she
seems to understand. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">You have two âseems toâ hereâboth of which
are unnecessary. Is he more in control, or not? Does she understand it, or not?
Itâs one or the other. Additionally, since we donât actually know what she is, âanother
like herâ doesnât tell us anything concrete, which has become frustrating at
this point.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">But soon, she realizes being different is much
harder than constantly controlling ones emotions. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">This really threw me. I have no context
for emotions in the scheme of this character/story as they havenât been
mentioned before. So thereâs no realization for the reader here, just questions
about that means. Note: By this time, every agent of good standing would have
already marked this for a generic rejection letter. Agents want to see that you
know how to communicate your story in briefâand that you can identify what
information is important in doing so. Unfortunately, neither of those have been
achieved here.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">There are laws she doesnât agree with, decisions
that leave her guilty as she's forced to lie in order to protect herself and
Luke, and her dream of beyond the barrier protecting her world. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">This sente</span><span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman", serif; font-size: 12pt;">nce doesnât actually make sense.
If I cut everything after the last comma, it makes sense grammatically, but
again, because we have no context for either of the statements (laws she doesnât
agree with, and lying) weâre still completely in the dark regarding what this
story is about.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">And as time goes on and she learns her role to
Imperium, the hunters and a few Hybrid Haters arenât her only trouble.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Another grammatically or typographical
error that stops the sentence from making sense. There are several in this
short query blurb. Iâm afraid thereâs a lot of work to do here.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">The ancient barrier protecting their world is in
danger of falling. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">This is the second reference to a barrier,
but since neither tell us what it is, or how it works, it isnât doing itâs job
which is to outline what the antagonistic force is⌠at least, I think thatâs
what it is. I donât know. (Is the
barrier a wall? Magic? A curse that kills people? A technological forcefield?
You donât have tell every detail, but we need one good one in order to give it
a frameworkâwhat, specifically, is she dealing with?)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">With it gone, it could mean the destruction of her
world. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">This is the only clear statement in this
entire query. I now know whatâs at stake (at least, in the big picture, though
not for Vienna herself): If she doesnât succeed, her world could be destroyed.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">And with the hunters keen on obtaining Vienna, her
loyalty to Imperium is tested. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Wait, sheâs loyal to theseâŚthings? (Iâm
not sure what or who they are). If sheâs aligned with them, you need to show
early on that when she comes in contact with them, she chooses their side.
Because the way itâs phrased about, sheâs reluctantly a part of whatever they
are. Which, to me, implies that she has no loyalty beyond saving her own skin.
I know that might be how it starts, but it may develop. But you need to show
that âAs she and Luke grow to admire the Imperiumâ or something along those
lines that shows her becoming loyal to them.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">The more she doubts them, the more Hybrid lives are
taken. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Okay, so weâre back to doubting the Imperium
again. Iâm sorry, Iâm desperately confused. Is she loyal to them or not? And
what are Hybrids? Again, itâs dropping in an element without any information or
frame of reference, as if we already know what they are.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Realizing things are much bigger than ever dreamed
Vienna no longer knows who she can trust let alone herself, as dark voices
plague her thoughts and dangerous secrets fill her heart . <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Another sentence that doesnât make sense <i>and </i>adds references we havenât been
informed about (when or how did she learn she canât trust herself? And when did
dark voices become a part of the problem?) Again, Iâm not sure if this is a
non-first-language English-speaker, or just a hastily cobbled together revision
on a query. But itâs imperative that you proofread your query (or have someone
with an eye for detail do it for you) otherwise, no matter how well written
your book is, it will never get past the query stage.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Time is running out for her to make a choice: remain
trapped in Imperium with Luke, or risk all of Gagadera for a life she'd always
wanted.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Thereâs another life she wants? What is
it? Why does it appeal to her? Why didnât we hear about it at the beginning? Thatâs
her entire story goal, summed up in a single sentence. You should be leading
with that information, not dropping it in at the end.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">My name is [NAME] and [TITLE} is the first
installment of [SERIES TITLE]. It is a 140,000 word YA Fantasy novel. I will be
graduating from California State University, Northridge with a BA in Creative
Writing spring 2017.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 29.0291px;">Iâll be completely honest with you: If youâre in your fourth year of a creative writing degree and haven't proofread a less-than-a-page document, you have a problem. If I was an agent and received this query (and kept reading to the end) I would dismiss that last paragraph as a lie. Iâm assuming it isnât. Youâve been very specific. But, forgive me, your work here doesnât demonstrate the skills you should have learned that far into a degree.</span></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 29.0291px;"><br /></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div dir="auto" style="font-family: "times new roman";">
<b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 18.4px;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">SUMMARY:</span></span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 29.0291px;"><br /></span></div>
<div dir="auto" style="font-family: "times new roman";">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 29.0291px;">Please donât be discouraged, but you need to go back to the drawing board with this. I think youâre simultaneously trying to cover too much ground about your story, not understanding which elements of the plot/characters are important, and possibly rushing through your work without proofreading.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 29.0291px;"><br /></span></div>
<div dir="auto" style="font-family: "times new roman";">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 29.0291px;">A query should quickly, specifically, deliver on a minimum of:</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 29.0291px;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 29.0291px;">- Who the main character is</span></div>
<div dir="auto" style="font-family: "times new roman";">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 29.0291px;">- What they want</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 29.0291px;">- Who or what is the antagonistic force</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 29.0291px;">- What brings the protagonist into conflict with the antagonist</span></div>
<div dir="auto" style="font-family: "times new roman";">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 29.0291px;">- Whatâs at stake (i.e. what would be the consequences of failure)</span></div>
<div dir="auto" style="font-family: "times new roman";">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 29.0291px;">- What obstacle or event stands in the protagonistâs way from reaching their goal (or threatens to ensure their failure)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 29.0291px;"><br /></span></div>
<div dir="auto" style="font-family: "times new roman";">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 29.0291px;">My advice for you would be, before you do anything else, write a single sentence for each of those questions/pieces of information and use those as the framework for your query blurb. Then only fill in the elements that are <i>required</i> to answer those questions. And when you do, give specifics. Because youâre in fantasy, you canât leave settings or peoples in a vacuum. If the Hunters/Imperium are humans, you need to tell us that. If they arenât, we need to know that too. Thereâs no need to reference a southern forest if the conflict is about the northern wilds. And fancy names donât give us any information unless you give a touch of detail to go with them (i.e. âThe Republic of Gagadera, where the tribal Xenafo people live among the misty rainforests.â)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 29.0291px;"><br /></span></div>
<div dir="auto" style="font-family: "times new roman";">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 29.0291px;">Once you have your elements outlined and you know what is needed for the reader to understand what and who they are, go read at least 40-50 blurbs from traditionally published fantasy books on amazon. You can do it for free there, and study how the blurb is structuredâwhat information is placed in which portion of the blurb? How much of it is about the people, the setting, or the conflict/plot devices? That sort of thing. Get a feel for how blurbs come together that are written by professionals. Then, when youâve re-drafted your query, hand it to 5-10 people who know <i>nothing </i>about your book (i.e. not friends who've listened to you talk about it), and, without answering any questions or giving them any information ahead of time, ask them to tell you what they think your book is about from the blurb. Thatâs a really good way to learn whether your story is being accurately represented by your query.</span></div>
<div style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 13.696px;">
<br /></div>
<div dir="auto" style="font-family: "times new roman";">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 29.0291px;"><br /></span></div>
<div dir="auto" style="font-family: "times new roman";">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 29.0291px;">Good luck. I know Iâve given a lot of negative feedback here. Iâm sorry about that. Blurb writing is a very different skill to manuscript writing, so I really do hope youâre able to work something out that does your clearly epic story justice!</span></div>
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AimeeLSalterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17763596557256341788noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2622477097361465.post-63700342149053361822017-05-09T00:30:00.000-07:002017-05-09T00:30:39.280-07:00Pitch Wars Early Bird Mentor Critique 6 - First 500 - YA Sci Fi<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<b style="background-color: white; color: #505050; font-family: Georgia, Utopia, "Palatino Linotype", Palatino, serif;">To skip directly to the material and critique, scroll down to the star divider line. If you'd like to know how I break down a critique, and what I'm looking for, keep reading:</b></div>
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<span style="color: #505050; font-family: "georgia" , "utopia" , "palatino linotype" , "palatino" , serif;"><br /></span>To help the authors as much as possible, I've critiqued their full first chapter, however I'm only sharing the first 500 words (as these can get quite long).<br />
When critiquing a first chapter, (especially the first 500 words), I'm always searching for these pieces of information. A great book can include all of them right up front. Sometimes one or two need to take longer. But in the first page, or two at most, I should see <i>at least </i>three of these:</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br />
- <i>Who</i> is the focus of the story?<br />
- <i>Where </i>are they?<br />
- <i>When </i>is it (i.e. what era--is it today? two hundred years ago? not sure?)<br />
- <i>What </i>are they doing?<br />
- <i>Why </i>are they doing it</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
And in the first chapter, if not the first 500 words, I want to know what the character's initial goal is. That goal will likely change as they learn more about the situation they're falling into. However, right up front, the character always needs to want something--desperately. And the author needs to communicate to me what that is, and why they might not get it, as quickly as possible. Because that's what tells me why I should care about this story.</div>
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I'm looking for technical expertise--does the author know how to set up a scene? Do they understand backstory and when to include it (and perhaps more importantly, when <i>not </i>to). Is their writing tight and polished, or are there a lot of unnecessary words? Is the author falling into purple prose (over-writing in an attempt to sound good, but actually creating a sense of melodrama which will turn many readers off).</div>
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Beyond that, I'm looking at how I respond as a reader. Am I intrigued? Do I care? Do I want to keep reading?</div>
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So, with all those elements in mind, here we go...</div>
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<br />
<span style="color: #505050; font-family: "georgia" , "utopia" , "palatino linotype" , "palatino" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-large;">********************</span></div>
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<b><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">ORIGINAL MATERIAL:<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Hills of green and a sky of blue streaked outside the monorailâs
windows, but Sol forced herself to stare at the gritty floor instead. That was
the price of drawing the short straw. Some enjoyed the fresh airâ and wild
grass while <i>others </i>tried to ignore the incessant tapping of
fingers on a screen.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 9.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 19.2pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">She was surprised the man across the aisle hadnât punched a hole
through his tablet already. Ten minutes ago, heâd boarded from a tiny town and
nestled himself diagonally from her. Every second since, he furiously tapped on
the screen while streams of letters and numbers whizzed by. The only time heâd
broken focus was to wipe gold-rimmed glasses or adjust his ill-fitted bowler
hat.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 9.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 19.2pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Sol scanned the room. A man in a brown uniform smirked as he
glanced to Bowler Hat as if to say, <i>Can you believe this guy?</i> She
rolled her eyes in return and made an obscene gesture behind her seat. The man
laughed and turned back to the window. Sol looked down to study the grit
beneath her fingernails. Dirt, grease, and a bit of gunpowder made the
half-moons of her nails black.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 9.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">âUm, excuse me,â Bowler Hat said as a train attendant stepped
into the cabin. âMy stomach is q-quite rattled. Per-perhaps I could have a cup
of tea?â</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 9.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">âOf course.â She turned to shuffle away.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 9.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">âJasmine, if you donât mind.â</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 9.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Jasmine. Sol snorted and stood, barely hunching her shoulders to
avoid hitting the overhead compartment. She shuffled to the back of the cart
and took the time to glance outside again. Hills of green faded into rock and
stone. Mountains crested in the distance. Tiny to the train barreling along the
desert, but their formidable spires clawed at the low hanging clouds. This was
the kind of land she expected of the mining planet. Barren. Treacherous.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 9.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">A man to her left cleared his throat and she glanced down.
Mustached, dirty uniform, and weary gray eyes said he was the person she was
looking for.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 9.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 19.2pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">âI wouldnât go much farther,â he said with a glance behind him.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 9.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 19.2pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Several soldiers filled the back rows, their bodies rigid and
hands clenched around rifles.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 9.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 19.2pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">âMind if I sit? Money bags up there is drivinâ me nuts.â</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 9.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 19.2pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">With a glance forward, the man scooted over and patted the seat.
âDamn rich folk. Surprised they didnât get him a cabin all to himself and make
us sit in the luggage cart.â</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 9.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 19.2pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">âThatâs all weâre good for to them.â Sol tossed her head,
indicating the guards. âSince when do they come armed to the teeth on a rail?â</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 9.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 19.2pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">âSince they sunk their claws in this hunk of rock.â</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 9.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 19.2pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Sol risked a glance to the gray and blue suits hovering just
behind them. The Coalitionâs reach extended more and more each day. The farther
they stretched, the more finesse her job required.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 9.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 19.2pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Up ahead, Bowler Hat received his tea only to stop the girl
again. âW-would it be a b-bother to get some sugar?â</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 9.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 19.2pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">âNot at all.â Her tone suggested she would rather drown him in
the tea instead.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 9.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 19.2pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 19.2pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 19.2pt; margin-left: 1.0in; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-indent: -.5in;">
<span style="font-size: x-large;"><b><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">CRITIQUE
(My words in </span></b><b><span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">red font</span></b><b><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">)<o:p></o:p></span></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 19.2pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 19.2pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Hills of green and a sky of blue streaked outside the monorailâs
windows, but Sol forced herself to stare at the gritty floor instead. That was
the price of drawing the short straw. Some enjoyed the fresh airâ and wild
grass while <i>others </i>tried to ignore the incessant tapping of
fingers on a screen.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 9.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 19.2pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">She was surprised the man across the aisle hadnât punched a hole
through his tablet already. Ten minutes ago, heâd boarded from a tiny town and
nestled himself diagonally from her. Every second since, he furiously tapped on
the screen while streams of letters and numbers whizzed by. The only time heâd
broken focus was to wipe gold-rimmed glasses or adjust his ill-fitted bowler
hat.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 19.2pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 19.2pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Great set up. I can see where she is, and I can see the man across
from her clearly. Well done.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 19.2pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 19.2pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Sol scanned the room. A man in a brown uniform smirked as he
glanced to Bowler Hat as if to say, <i>Can you believe this guy?</i> She
rolled her eyes in return and made an obscene gesture behind her seat. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 19.2pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 19.2pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">That seems a bit of an odd response to a guy sheâs connecting with,
even for a moment. The rolled eyes work. But the rude gesture just feels like
youâre trying to be edgy at a point where it isnât organic (to me). Also, if
itâs behind her seat, how can the man, who can meet eyes with her, also see the
gesture behind her seat?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 19.2pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 19.2pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">The man laughed and turned back to the window. Sol looked down
to study the grit beneath her fingernails. Dirt, grease, and a bit of gunpowder
made the half-moons of her nails black.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 19.2pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 19.2pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Very good detail. Grounds us in her skin. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 19.2pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 19.2pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">âUm, excuse me,â Bowler Hat said as a train attendant stepped
into the cabin. âMy stomach is q-quite rattled. Per-perhaps I could have a cup
of tea?â</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 9.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 19.2pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">âOf course.â She turned to shuffle away.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 9.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 19.2pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">âJasmine, if you donât mind.â</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 9.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 19.2pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Jasmine. Sol snorted and stood, barely hunching her shoulders to
avoid hitting the overhead compartment. She shuffled to the back of the cart
and took the time to glance outside again. Hills of green faded into rock and
stone. Mountains crested in the distance. Tiny to the train barreling along the
desert, but their formidable spires clawed at the low hanging clouds. This was
the kind of land she expected of the mining planet. Barren. Treacherous.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 19.2pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 19.2pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Ah, a hint of where we are! I think you need maybe one small detail
prior to this, while youâre grounding the world so well, that gives just a hint
that we arenât on earth, or an earth-esque setting. I like the way you dropped
this reference in, but because youâd done a good job of grounding me already,
it was a little jarring. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 19.2pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 19.2pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">A man to her left cleared his throat and she glanced down.
Mustached, dirty uniform, and weary gray eyes said he was the person she was
looking for.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 9.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 19.2pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">âI wouldnât go much farther,â he said with a glance behind him.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 9.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 19.2pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Several soldiers filled the back rows, their bodies rigid and
hands clenched around rifles.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 9.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 19.2pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">âMind if I sit? Money bags up there is drivinâ me nuts.â<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 19.2pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 19.2pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">The contracted âdrivinââ is jarring also. Even though people do
actually speak this way, seeing it written makes your brain process it, which
can throw you out of the read. Depending on how much you intend to use this, it
might be worth just using the full word. Calling Bowler Hat âmoneybagsâ already
gives a good hint about Sol (or at least, about the façade sheâs putting
forward), so we donât need her to have inflected speech to accept that she
might have an impoverished background or low education.</span><span style="color: red; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 9.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 19.2pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 19.2pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">With a glance forward, the man scooted over and patted the seat.
âDamn rich folk. Surprised they didnât get him a cabin all to himself and make
us sit in the luggage cart.â</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 9.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 19.2pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">âThatâs all weâre good for to them.â Sol tossed her head,
indicating the guards. âSince when do they come armed to the teeth on a rail?â</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 9.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 19.2pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">âSince they sunk their claws in this hunk of rock.â</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 9.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 19.2pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Sol risked a glance to the gray and blue suits hovering just
behind them. The Coalitionâs reach extended more and more each day. The farther
they stretched, the more finesse her job required.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 19.2pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 19.2pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Good, intriguing moment where I wonder exactly what sheâs up to, and
get a hint of the danger and mystery. Well done.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 19.2pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 19.2pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , serif;"><b><span style="font-size: x-large;"><br /></span></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 19.2pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-indent: .5in;">
<b><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">SUMMARY:</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 19.2pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 19.2pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Overall, a very strong beginning. Your writing is concise, you
arenât throwing in unnecessary backstory too early, and you choose your details
well.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 19.2pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">To help the reader really fall into the read, Iâd hint at the
sci-fi element just once, earlier, so thereâs no, âWait, what?â moment for the
reader. It doesnât need to be stated outright until the place where youâve
already included it. But some kind of a hint (technology, weapon, an
other-worldly language she has to try and read on a sign) right up front would
help the reader know subconsciously that we arenât on earth, so thereâs no
reshuffling of our initial impressions.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 19.2pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">But, I say this with all seriousness, youâve got great opening
pages. Your writing is strong and if the concept is what an agent is looking
for, Iâm confident youâll get requests.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 19.2pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-indent: .5in;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 19.2pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">As a mentor, the writing is strong enough for me to consider
requesting pages if I feel like the concept is something I want to work on. So
well done!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
AimeeLSalterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17763596557256341788noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2622477097361465.post-72954649439564821502017-05-08T00:30:00.000-07:002017-05-08T00:30:03.705-07:00Pitch Wars Early Bird Mentor Critique 5 - Query - Adult Romance<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "georgia" , "utopia" , "palatino linotype" , "palatino" , serif; font-size: 13.2px;">When I read a query, or query blurb, I'm looking for five major elements communicated crisply, quickly, and clearly:</span></div>
<br style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, Utopia, "Palatino Linotype", Palatino, serif; font-size: 13.2px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "georgia" , "utopia" , "palatino linotype" , "palatino" , serif; font-size: 13.2px;">Who is the book about, where are they (and when, if applicable)? What does the protagonist want? What's the conflict, and who or what is the antagonistic force? What's at stake--and for your final hook, what </span><i style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, Utopia, "Palatino Linotype", Palatino, serif; font-size: 13.2px;">specific </i><span style="background-color: white; font-family: "georgia" , "utopia" , "palatino linotype" , "palatino" , serif; font-size: 13.2px;">obstacle will potentially stop the protagonist from achieving their goal?</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "georgia" , "utopia" , "palatino linotype" , "palatino" , serif; font-size: 13.2px;">If a query can outline that in under 250 words, it's a winner. So let's take a look at this query and see how it stacks up:</span><br />
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Dear Agent:<o:p></o:p></div>
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When Daphne Haddox discovers she is pregnant, she wonders
how a 24 year-old, unwed barmaid from England in 1497 can hope to provide for
her child. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<span style="color: red;">Great set up, but I think thereâs a
way to phrase that so itâs not such a run-on sentence. Consider breaking it
into two, tell us Daphne Haddox is pregnant. Then give us an emotive setting.
I.e. âDaphne Haddox despairs when she discovers sheâs pregnant. She knows itâs impossible
for 24 year old, unwed barmaid to provide for a child in 1497. (Thatâs not a
great exampleâyou could definitely finesse it better. But I wanted to show you what
I meant). <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<o:p><br /></o:p></div>
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So when a mysterious bottle with the promise of a better
life for her and her baby appears on her dresser one night, she drinks the
potion out of desperation. She wakes to find herself at the Crossroads Home for
Pregnant Women in 2014 in Austin, Texas, where she and other girls like herself
can have their babies, put them up for adoption, and return to their time with
no memory of it all.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<span style="color: red;">EXCELLENT HOOK. My entire
reader-brain just perked up to listen.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<o:p><br /></o:p></div>
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Things are going ânormally,â until she meets Alan Everett, a
shy computer programmer who gives her a glimpse at what a future with real love
could look like. Now Daphne realizes she is about to lose everything â her
precious baby, a chance at true love, and the memory that she ever had any of
it â unless she can find a way to stayâŚ<o:p></o:p></div>
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<span style="color: red;">If this was a blurb on my kindle Iâd
download the sample. If it delivers, Iâd buy it. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: red;">(Technical note, even though it
works, thereâs a lot of passive writing: âThings are going normallyâ, âprogrammer
who gives her,â etc. Change to: âThings go ânormally,â until she meets Alan
Everett, a shy computer programmer who offers a glimpse of a future with real
love. Daphne is about to lose everything â her precious baby, a chance at true
love, and the memory of all of it â unless she can find a way to stay.â<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: red;">Do you see the difference?)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<o:p><br /></o:p></div>
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[TITLE] is a Womenâs Fiction novel complete at 75,000 words
and ready for your consideration.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<span style="color: red;">Your wordcount gives me pauseâthis is
at least partially a historic setting, so thereâs more world and character
building required than a contemporary romance. Iâm not sure you can deliver the
fullness of this story in that wordcount, <i>but
</i>as a mentor Iâd request pages to see how it goes.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Several of my devotionals have been published in DevoâZine,
a devotional lifestyle magazine for teens. I am currently a member of the Pikes
Peak Writers. I have a Bachelors in Communications Studies, Human Relations
from the University of Texas at Austin.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Thank you for your time and consideration; I look forward to
hearing from you soon.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Sincerely,<o:p></o:p></div>
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[AUTHOR NAME]<o:p></o:p></div>
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<span style="color: red;">Excellent conclusion! Iâm hooked. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: x-large;">SUMMARY:<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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Youâve delivered on the setting, character, hook, conflict,
and stakes. Well done!<o:p></o:p></div>
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It isnât flawless, but the mistakes are small enough that I
want to keep reading, and your concept is right up my alley. Iâm definitely
intrigued (which makes me disappointed Iâm not mentoring adult novels in Pitch
Wars). <o:p></o:p></div>
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The passive writing would make me note to check the manuscript
for the same. It slows the pacingâand when your wordcount is low to begin, that
makes me wonder if the story has the depth it needs to truly deliver. But without a doubt Iâd request pages to see how it comes
together in the actual writing.</div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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Check your manuscript for the passive phrasing, and if thereâs
a lot of it, consider that you might need to flesh out your characters/plot a
little more to deliver on all of this. In that single paragraph which was 63
words for you, I could cut it to 51 without losing a single plot or character
development. Over the course of a 70,000 word manuscript, if that holds true,
youâre down nearly another 5,000 words. Iâd definitely be concerned that this
story couldnât be fully developed in 65,000 words. <i>But, </i>I could be wrong. Iâd read it to find out. And if the writing
was really solid and it just needed some additional scenes or character
development, Iâd be all over it.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Good luck. It seems like at the worst, youâve got a really
solid concept and skeleton manuscript. At best, youâre sitting on a great novel!<o:p></o:p></div>
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AimeeLSalterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17763596557256341788noreply@blogger.com0