Tuesday, May 2, 2017

Pitch Wars Early Bird Critique 1 - First 500 words - YA Contemporary

The first of our early-bird critiques is here! To help the authors as much as possible, I've critiqued their full first chapter, however I'm only sharing the first 500 words (as these can get quite long).

To skip directly to the material and critique, scroll down to the star divider line. If you'd like to know how I break down a critique, and what I'm looking for, keep reading:

When critiquing a first chapter, (especially the first 500 words), I'm always searching for these pieces of information. A great book can include all of them right up front. Sometimes one or two need to take longer. But in the first page, or two at most, I should see at least three of these:

- Who is the focus of the story?
- Where are they?
- When is it (i.e. what era--is it today? two hundred years ago? not sure?)
- What are they doing?
- Why are they doing it

And in the first chapter, if not the first 500 words, I want to know what the character's initial goal is. That goal will likely change as they learn more about the situation they're falling into. However, right up front, the character always needs to want something--desperately. And the author needs to communicate to me what that is, and why they might not get it, as quickly as possible. Because that's what tells me why I should care about this story.

I'm looking for technical expertise--does the author know how to set up a scene? Do they understand backstory and when to include it (and perhaps more importantly, when not to). Is their writing tight and polished, or are there a lot of unnecessary words? Is the author falling into purple prose (over-writing in an attempt to sound good, but actually creating a sense of melodrama which will turn many readers off).

Beyond that, I'm looking at how I respond as a reader. Am I intrigued? Do I care? Do I want to keep reading?

So, with all those elements in mind, here we go...



********************

AUTHOR IDENTIFIED CATEGORY: YA, Contemporary
WORDCOUNT: 70,000 (estimated)

First 500 Word as submitted:

CHAPTER ONE 
If you've never moved in Arkansas in August, you're probably living a better life than me. It's hot and humid and you absolutely feel like you’re going to die. Like your internal organs are boiling inside your body - a slow death from the inside out. I promise, it's more miserable than you can possibly imagine. Unless you live in Alabama. Those folks have it bad. 
It’s no exception today as I move into my freshman dorm room. It’s technically 100° but the heat index is 107° and it feels like 110° inside the stairwell of my dorm. Never have I ever been so covered in sweat.
I grab the first thing I can out of the back of our minivan, the contents of my closet still on the hangers, wrapped in a garbage bag, and take off towards the new twelve by twelve cinder block prison I’m being forced to call home for the next nine months. Or 258 days to be exact. I have a countdown set as the background on my laptop. I have no intention of staying at Ozark University any longer than absolutely necessary. I need to get out of Arkansas. Really, honest to God, the hell out of the United States.
I’m taking the stairs two at a time, leaving my mom and step-dad behind. Some might take this to mean I’m excited about this new stage of my life, but let me reassure you, excited is not the right word.
I just want to be the first one to see my new home - I want one second of freedom when I’m allowed to hate every single square inch of this place. One moment when I don’t have to endure my mother trying to talk me into how great this is.
The garbage bag sticks to the sweat on my arm, and I shift it to my other arm as I walk down the hallway trying to find room 417.
But the door to room 417 is wide open.
I peek around the doorway, thinking my RA must be inside. But no. Instead, I find five pairs of eyes staring back at me.
The smallest one’s eyes get even bigger, which I didn’t think was physically possible. She starts towards me and squeals.
“Oh my goodness! You must be Josie!”
Then she hugs me.  
A total stranger.
At this point I can only assume this is my roommate, Caroline.
I knew it wasn’t going to be a good fit when she emailed me about getting matching bedspreads. She included a link to the pink polka dotted bedspread she’d already chosen but she was “totally willing to consider other options if I had a different color scheme in mind.”
I never responded.
Now I’m pinned in her arms, gripping my garbage bag for dear life. All I can think is “What if I wasn’t Josie? Is she always this comfortable hugging total strangers?”
She finally lets go of me and claps her hands together in front of her chest like a cheerleader. And that’s when the words start. So many words. “I’m Caroline, obviously.” She says her name with an obnoxious southern dip in the “ine.” If you met her on the street and she introduced herself to you, you would correctly assume she hails from somewhere in Arkansas. She’s the type of girl they cast on reality TV shows to make us all look like dumb hicks.


CRITIQUE (My notes in red font)

If you've never moved in Arkansas in August, you're probably living a better life than me. It's hot and humid and you absolutely feel like you’re going to die. Like your internal organs are boiling inside your body - a slow death from the inside out. I promise, it's more miserable than you can possibly imagine. Unless you live in Alabama. Those folks have it bad. 

This has the opportunity to be a snappy, amusing opening, but the use of a lot of extra words (adverbs are not your friend, especially in the opening pages) and over-statements is muddying the water so your punchline doesn’t really land.

First advice: Use “been to” or similar instead of “moved in” because “moved in” shifts the brain’s focus to “Oh, this character is moving from one city to another.” Which might be true. But that’s not the focus of this paragraph. This paragraph is introducing the tone and physical setting. You want the minimum words possible, along with clarity about the subject—it’s about Arkansas, not moving.

Example of how I’d line edit:

If you've never been to Arkansas in August, you're living a better life than me. It's so humid you feel like you’ll die. Your internal organs boil - a slow death from the inside out. It's miserable—[America’s personal hell—or some extreme point of reference].
Unless you live in Alabama. Those folks have it bad. 

It’s no exception today as I move into my freshman dorm room. It’s technically 100° but the heat index is 107° and it feels like 110° inside the stairwell of my dorm. Never have I ever been so covered in sweat.

That’s an opportunity for something cute: “Never have I ever taken a shower in a stairwell. Fully clothed.” Or similar. Use succinct over-statement.

I grab the first thing I can out of the back of our minivan, the contents of my closet still on the hangers, wrapped in a garbage bag, and take off towards the new twelve by twelve cinder block prison I’m being forced to call home for the next nine months. Or 258 days to be exact. I have a countdown set as the background on my laptop. I have no intention of staying at Ozark University any longer than absolutely necessary. I need to get out of Arkansas. Really, honest to God, the hell out of the United States.
I’m taking the stairs two at a time, leaving my mom and step-dad behind. Some might take this to mean I’m excited about this new stage of my life, but let me reassure you, excited is not the right word.

You’re definitely hitting the right note: Letting us see where the protagonist’s mind is at, what the setting is, and the potential conflict (she doesn’t want to be here—automatic question, why did she come? That’ll keep us reading a little longer.) However, lots of extra words are slowing your pace. You only want to use exaggeration/overstatement sparingly. Otherwise, just have her state it like it is:
Leaving my mom and step-dad [in a specific location we can picture to ground the reader—are they at the car? On the landing at the bottom of the stairs? Walking up the path outside the drom?], I take the stairs two at a time. Onlookers might think I’m excited to start my new college life. They would be wrong.


I just want to be the first one to see my new home - I want one second of freedom when I’m allowed to hate every single square inch of this place. One moment when I don’t have to endure my mother trying to talk me into how great this is.
The garbage bag sticks to the sweat on my arm, and I shift it to my other arm as I walk down the hallway trying to find room 417.

Excellent sensory detail (sweat under the garbage bag) that grounds us and makes this feel real. Use more of this kind of detail—a crack in the wall, a splinter on the handrail as she’s pulling herself up the stairs, the smell of boy-sweat if it’s a co-ed dorm, that sort of thing.


But the door to room 417 is wide open.
I peek around the doorway, thinking my RA must be inside. But no. Instead, I find five pairs of eyes staring back at me.

Remember this entire scene is your set up for the book. It needs to feel real, tangible, and clear. You need a brief description of these people. Right now we have a picture of 10 eyes. Tell us what kinds of bodies they’re in, something else she can see in the room (if anything), maybe a hint about the light—something that makes this space have dimension and these people recognizable. It doesn’t need to be long (this isn’t a great example, but I just want you to see what kind of details you should be aiming for):
“Standing in a huddle that blocks my view of the rest of the room and backlit by the window pouring in the Arkansas sun, a taller man and woman share the same haggard, mildly alarmed expression as my parents. A younger guy scowls at me like I’m intruding, a girl picks at the ends of her hair, and another girl, so little she reminds me of a bird, tugs at her skirt.”


The smallest one’s eyes get even bigger, which I didn’t think was physically possible. She starts towards me and squeals.
“Oh my goodness! You must be Josie!”
Then she hugs me.  
A total stranger.
At this point I can only assume this is my roommate, Caroline.
I knew it wasn’t going to be a good fit when she emailed me about getting matching bedspreads. She included a link to the pink polka dotted bedspread she’d already chosen but she was “totally willing to consider other options if I had a different color scheme in mind.”
I never responded.
Now I’m pinned in her arms, gripping my garbage bag for dear life. All I can think is “What if I wasn’t Josie? Is she always this comfortable hugging total strangers?”

I believe you want italics here, rather than quotations—which tell the reader she’s actually speaking.

She finally lets go of me and claps her hands together in front of her chest like a cheerleader. And that’s when the words start. So many words. “I’m Caroline, obviously.” She says her name with an obnoxious southern dip in the “ine.” If you met her on the street and she introduced herself to you, you would correctly assume she hails from somewhere in Arkansas. She’s the type of girl they cast on reality TV shows to make us all look like dumb hicks.

Fabulous detail! This says it all. You could cut everything after the “ine” and just give this last sentence and we’d have a very clear picture of her. Well done.


Summary Notes:

I'm a big fan of contemporary romance, so this one definitely got me interested. The extraneous words were a problem, because they slowed the read, so it took a little longer than I'd like to really fall into the story and start wondering what would happen. However, this improved as the writing progressed, which is a good sign. I believe the author is in a good position to clean the manuscript up and have a very snappy, engaging heroine that will pull readers right in.
Unfortunately, the biggest issue this submission has is that it's not YA. Although I understand that the protag is young and only just starting college, there's enough precedent and a clearly defined category now to force this submission into the NA category purely because of the setting (even if it's sweet romance, rather than graphic.) That means, unless the agent takes both YA and NA submissions, most are going to reject out of hand because they'll think they can't sell it as YA. (Or worse, they'll think the author doesn't understand the market and will be labor-intensive as a client to work with--which can turn a busy agent off, even if the writing is good). 
To that end, when this manuscript has been sharpened up, my advice would be to focus your submissions on agents who take both YA and NA, and to express in your query that you understand the age and setting may make it an NA book, or a crossover. Indicate that you'd be willing to take advice from your agent on how to categorize it. (Humility goes a looooooong way in this industry). Then just see what they say.
In my opinion, your writing is almost there. If you get rid of the unnecessary words, and cut out adverbs, focus on keeping the voice sharp and simple, you’ll have a winner.

As a Pitch Wars mentor, I'd request the manuscript, just to see if the voice and polish continue to improve, or whether the book falls apart as it progresses. 
I'd have concerns about whether we could find an agent to take it as an NA romance, however. (as that's been a difficult sell to publishers from day one, but is even more so as the category is so saturated right now). So that would put it a step behind manuscripts that are easily categorized in my book (but not rule it out). 

All in all, good writing, intriguing protagonist, and enough guts to make me want to read more. Well done!

1 comment:

  1. I really liked this. I think you accomplished a lot of what's needed to grab your reader's attention. I loved the garbage bag sticking line, really strong.

    I agree with Aimee. I would have liked to have been more grounded in the scene when she enters the dorm room.

    I prefer third person but I think you did a really good job with first which for me seems so difficult.

    All the Best

    ReplyDelete