This is the fourth in
a series of posts where I critique the first 500 words of an author's
book. You're free to add your notes in the comments (and disagree with mine).
Just keep in mind these authors have volunteered their work, so please make sure
any comments are constructive!
GIVEAWAY: For each of the
first 500 posts, commentors go into the draw for a critique of their first
chapter!
MANIFESTATION FILES
By Chihuahua Zero
GENRE: YA Urban Fantasy, approximately 70,000 Words
Mom held the airport sign
toward customs. The sign was in its artsy glory, with a red border, and the
surname “Walker” having too much of a flair.
“Brighten up, Bryan.” Mom said.
I folded my arms, refusing to
reign in my gloominess. “I’m still feeling that I’m not going to like the
exchange student.”
“I’m sure you will. It’s both
our responsibility to make sure he has a great time. ”Mom leaned closer, “by
the way, make sure to not be too friendly--”
“Mom!” I flustered up.
She grinned. “Don’t think I
didn’t thought of that possibility.”
I turned away from her. As much
as I was reluctant, it was my fault for standing down and giving in—
I recognized the exchange
student from the photograph the agency gave us. He approached us, rolling
suitcase in tow. He weaved through the crowd, straightened his path as he
zeroed onto us—and tripped at our feet.
I rushed to him before Mom
could react. He lifted himself with the suitcase handle. Once standing, he
grinned sheepishly. “Um, sorry about that,” he said, rubbing the back of his
head with one hand. “I can be clumsy at time.” He had a soft British accent,
with the voice of a feeble-lunged flutist. He extended his arm out. “I’m Finn.
You’re the Richardsons, right?”
“Right.” I shook his hand. His
handshake was firm. “I’m Bryan. Welcome to St. Louis. You’re Phineas Walker, or...Finn?” For some reason, he never
contacted us beforehand, only filling out the applications.
“Yes, it’s Finn.” Finn slid his
fingers out of my grip. So far, he came off as fragile and mild-mannered.
Mom intervened. “Welcome to St.
Louis too. I hope you’ll have a nice time here, although I think you’ll
certainly love being here. We’ll make sure that you’ll feel right at home.” She
spotted Finn’s only suitcase. “Oh, that’s all you have?” Before Finn could
respond, she continued. “Don’t worry.
We’ll provide everything you need.”
Finn better not need a Jacuzzi.
Just a few secods from Mom alienating Finn, I butted in. "Should we getting home, so we can show Finn around the house?"
“Sure.” Mom led us toward the main
part of the airport. But instead her being the leader, I went in front. I waved
Finn to be next to me. We needed to start getting familiar with each other,
even if I was reluctant.
We entered the main terminal toward
the parking garage. Warm colors bounced off the walls, with babble of travelers
arriving or departing. A dreary overcast hung over the glass ceiling. Only an
hour ago, the sun shined. Weather could be a bipolar mistress—especially in St.
Louis.
I took a closer look at him. Of
course he was shorter than me, but by an entire head. Brown hair side-swept with
a comb, a blue collared shirt, and khakis. His clothes hung off his scrawny
limbs.
Finn gazed in the direction of the
arrival-departure boards and the airport advertisements in their glass cases.
His tenseness betrayed his cultural shock or stress. Whatever it was, he was a
fish flopping on land.
***CRITIQUE***
Mom held the airport sign
toward customs. The sign was in its artsy glory, with a red border, and the
surname “Walker” having too much of a flair.
I got a
little confused. Your second sentence starts about the design, comma’s into the
description, then goes back to the design.
“Brighten up, Bryan.” Mom said.
I folded my arms, refusing to
reign in my gloominess. “I’m still feeling that I’m not going to like the
exchange student.”
Seems
like a teenager would be more likely to say “I’m still not going to like him /
her.”
“I’m sure you will. It’s both
our responsibility to make sure he has a great time. ”Mom leaned closer, “by
the way, make sure to not be too friendly--”
Nice
introduction of tension / foreshadowing. But I’d like to know if the exchange
student is male or female? Are we in LGBTQ? Is this a way to delay the reveal?
“Mom!” I flustered up.
That's an odd phrasing that stopped my read. Consider using "I spluttered" for the attribution, or something like that. Something that indicates the fluster.
She grinned. “Don’t think I
didn’t thought of that possibility.”
Typo
– should be “Don’t think I hadn’t
thought of that possibility”
I turned away from her. As much
as I was reluctant, it was my fault for standing down and giving in—
To
what? You can’t create tension without explanation when we have no background or
context.
I recognized the exchange
student from the photograph the agency gave us. He approached us, rolling
suitcase in tow. He weaved through the crowd, straightened his path as he
zeroed onto us—and tripped at our feet.
He,
he, his, he – there’s a lot of this here and it stands out. You’ve got an
opportunity here to organically introduce actual description (either the
standard height / hair / eyes, or more metaphoric imagery). But without it,
none of the action pulls me because I don’t know who I’m supposed to picture.
I rushed to him before Mom
could react. He lifted himself with the suitcase handle. Once standing, he
grinned sheepishly. “Um, sorry about that,” he said, rubbing the back of his
head with one hand. “I can be clumsy at time.”
Typo?
“At times.”?
He had a soft British accent,
with the voice of a feeble-lunged flutist.
Not
sure if you’re aware, but the wind-instrumentalists are anything but
feeble-lunged. They take a great deal of lung capacity and control. I’m only
able to tell you this because I used to play brass. In any case, I’d use a
different comparison as anyone who’s played any kind of wind instrument will
think “What?!”
He extended his arm out. “I’m
Finn. You’re the Richardsons, right?”
“Right.” I shook his hand. His
handshake was firm. “I’m Bryan. Welcome to St. Louis. You’re Phineas Walker, or...Finn?”
Have
people introduce themselves, instead of each other.
For some reason, he never
contacted us beforehand, only filling out the applications.
Good
point to note, but put it at the beginning. Give us some emotional expectation
at the top so we can anticipate his arrival and watch it unfold.
“Yes, it’s Finn.” Finn slid his
fingers out of my grip. So far, he came off as fragile and mild-mannered.
You’re
telling here, not showing. Unfortunately, the ‘fragile’ bit isn’t shown so what
you’re saying contradicts what I see. In my mind a fragile person wouldn’t
brush themselves off after a tumble, or have a firm handshake.
Mom intervened. “Welcome to St.
Louis too. I hope you’ll have a nice time here, although I think you’ll
certainly love being here. We’ll make sure that you’ll feel right at home.” She
spotted Finn’s only suitcase. “Oh, that’s all you have?” Before Finn could
respond, she continued. “Don’t worry.
We’ll provide everything you need.”
Finn better not need a Jacuzzi.
Nice
line.
Just a few seconds from Mom
alienating Finn, I butted in.
How
did she alienate him?
“Should we getting home, so we
can show Finn around the house?”
Missing
a word in there at the beginning.
“Sure.” Mom led us toward the main
part of the airport. But instead her being the leader, I went in front.
Another
missing word. Rather than describing who should lead, just show us that Bryan
went first – use this as a moment for him to respond to what’s happened and
give us a gauge about how he feels about this new person.
I waved Finn to be next to me.
We needed to start getting familiar with each other, even if I was reluctant.
Again,
your telling contradicts what you’re showing. The only thing he’s done to seem ‘reluctant’
is say he was at the very beginning. Everything else has been helpful and
welcoming. Felt more to me like he was being sullen with his mother to hide his
true feelings.
We entered the main terminal toward
the parking garage. Warm colors bounced off the walls, with babble of travelers
arriving or departing. A dreary overcast hung over the glass ceiling. Only an
hour ago, the sun shined. Weather could be a bipolar mistress—especially in St.
Louis.
I took a closer look at him. Of
course he was shorter than me, but by an entire head. Brown hair side-swept with
a comb, a blue collared shirt, and khakis. His clothes hung off his scrawny
limbs.
You
definitely needed to give this the moment he arrived, to anchor the image in
our minds. This is too late. This is the place to give an emotional reaction,
not a physical description.
Finn gazed in the direction of the
arrival-departure boards and the airport advertisements in their glass cases.
His tenseness betrayed his cultural shock or stress. Whatever it was, he was a
fish flopping on land.
I
like the metaphor, it’s vivid. But again I don’t feel like we’ve seen this
tenseness or out-of-water. He tripped, but other than that, he’s been polite
and amenable. Rather than telling the reader about this, let the image develop
in action over time – he could trip over words, seem to not understand, look
around sadly, keep to himself in his room, etc, etc, etc. As the pages progress,
you can SHOW that he’s feeling out of sorts, rather than trying to tell it here
where we still need proof.
OVERVIEW
Who? Bryan and his mother, and later Finn. All
easily placed.
What? Finn is arriving as an exchange student to
stay with them.
When? Present day (I think – if not, you need to
add clues)
Where? Airport
Why?
So, you’ve got all the
important stuff here, well done! I’d really encourage you to put the
description of Finn right at the moment he arrives – let us see him through
Bryan’s eyes, and maybe even get a hint of Bryan’s feelings now that he’s seen
him.
I like how you introduced the
LGBTQ aspect – very organic and right up front. Well done. I wouldn’t bother
waiting for the ‘reveal’. Chances are, your blurb will note that he’s a gay
teen anyway. Just write your story without treating this aspect any differently
than anything else.
I do really like this opening –
it’s a great place to start your story. I’d like to see the relationship
between these two unfold, and wonder about the cultural aspects too (as someone
who grew up in two English-speaking cultures, these types of stories are close
to my heart).
My main concern here is that
you’re injecting too much narrative of what you want
the reader to see, rather than just showing it through the actions /
reactions of the characters. Consider this: If you have the right body language
and emotional-sequels written in, there’s no need for you to tell the reader
how the characters feel. If you have to tell, chances are you aren’t
demonstrating the right cues.
For example, rather than “I folded my arms, refusing to reign in my
gloominess” try something like: I folded
my arms, glaring at her.
Or, instead of, “Mom led us toward the main part of the airport.
But instead her being the leader, I went in front.” Try something like “Mom started heading through the airport.
But I passed her in a few strides. Let her stare at my back for the walk so she
knew I hadn’t changed my mind.”
Obviously these are in my voice,
not yours. I’m not suggesting these as actual replacements, just trying to give
you an idea of what I mean.
So, all in all, I think you’ve
got a good solid beginning. It just needs a little refining to make sure you’re
setting the tone of the relationships via show, not tell. And make sure the
descriptions come as each character enters the scene.
Your Turn: Do you have
any suggestions for the author to help improve the opening? Were you hooked by
the writing sample provided?