First 500 Critiques: THE FALL OF THE KINGS by Raewyn Hewitt

One for the win! This is the fifth and final in a series of posts wherein I critique the first 500 words of an author's book. You're free to add your notes in the comments (and disagree with mine). Just keep in mind these authors have volunteered their work, so please make sure any comments are constructive! The critique material begins about halfway down.

GIVEAWAY: For each of the first 500 posts, commentors go into the draw for a critique of their first chapter!

THE FALL OF THE KINGS

By Raewyn Hewitt

Genre: Fantasy

Author blog: http://raewynhewitt.wordpress.com/

Author twitter: https://twitter.com/#!/RaewynHewitt

Gareth looked at me with such tenderness, I was almost undone.  When he reached across the table and grasped my arm, only the iron discipline forged as Overseer prevented me from breaking down and giving my grief full reign.  Never mind he was the longest serving of the twelve kings of Gaelladorn, and I the Conscience of the Kingdom.  Because of my exalted position no one had as much as patted me on the shoulder since Alyssa died.

“I'm so sorry Josiah– it shouldn’t have happened.”

Although he hadn't known my wife, he knew me well enough to guess the depth of my suffering.  I should have looked him in the eye and at least mouthed the familiar platitudes, but I couldn't bring myself to do it.  In the privacy of his study, I let the cloak of office slip and dropped my head, fighting to regain my composure.

When I was sure I wouldn't betray myself, I let my gaze drift around the deceptively casual furnishings of the King's personal bolt-hole, feigning an interest in the exquisite tapestries so I wouldn't have to make eye contact.  I'm sure Gareth wasn't fooled, we'd known each other for decades, and I'd never had time for the trappings of wealth.  But at least when I spoke my voice was steady.

“Are you really going to step down then?”

He gave me a hard look, then - to my relief, relaxed back into his chair and started to laugh.  A warm, belly-deep rumble that gained momentum and lit up his craggy features.

“Why does everyone keep asking me that?”

I didn't quite have it in me to laugh with him, but I bestowed an indulgent smile.

“I think everyone is looking for the slightest sign you might actually hand over the reins.”

“I will.  At the dedication.”

My head snapped up; expecting a joke.  But to my surprise, he was staring out of the window at the Sanctuary, its spectacular honey-coloured silhouette dominating the skyline of Tamar.

“But that's only two weeks away.”

He spun around, eyes flashing.  He wasn't used to being questioned, and I held up my hands as if to remind him who he was speaking to.

“It's not a problem. I just didn't expect this - so soon.”

Gareth ran his hands through his hair and sighed heavily, his anger dissipating as quickly as it came. When he spoke, his voice was softer.

“The building's magnificent by the way.  How did you pull it together so quickly?”

I shrugged.  Building the Sanctuary had been my great passion, another way to draw people to the One who laid the Heartstone. But now it was almost finished, I found no pleasure in it.  When I didn't elaborate he let the matter drop.

“I don't know why everyone's so surprised I'm stepping down.  I'm getting older.” He gave me another hard look, daring me to contradict him.  But unlike many that surrounded the King, I wasn't in the business of flattery.

***CRITIQUE*** 

Gareth looked at me with such tenderness, I was almost undone.  When he reached across the table and grasped my arm, only the iron discipline forged as Overseer prevented me from breaking down and giving my grief full reign.  Never mind he was the longest serving of the twelve kings of Gaelladorn, and I the Conscience of the Kingdom.  Because of my exalted position no one had as much as patted me on the shoulder since Alyssa died.

I really liked this opening, but since I’ve read ahead, I know this POV is male. I didn’t get that trigger until the last sentence. Consider putting the last sentence of this paragraph first and adding the words “my wife” before her name.

“I'm so sorry Josiah– it shouldn’t have happened.”

Although he hadn't known my wife, he knew me well enough to guess the depth of my suffering.  I should have looked him in the eye and at least mouthed the familiar platitudes, but I couldn't bring myself to do it.  In the privacy of his study, I let the cloak of office slip and dropped my head, fighting to regain my composure.

When I was sure I wouldn't betray myself, I let my gaze drift around the deceptively casual furnishings of the King's personal bolt-hole, feigning an interest in the exquisite tapestries so I wouldn't have to make eye contact.  I'm sure Gareth wasn't fooled, we'd known each other for decades, and I'd never had time for the trappings of wealth.  But at least when I spoke my voice was steady.

This is all really good, though the line about never having had time for the trappings of wealth seemed a little out of context for me. I had to re-read to understand that it stemmed from the viewing of the tapestries. I just thought he meant he pretended to be distracted.

“Are you really going to step down then?”

Who said this?

He gave me a hard look, then - to my relief, relaxed back into his chair and started to laugh.  A warm, belly-deep rumble that gained momentum and lit up his craggy features.

“Why does everyone keep asking me that?”

I didn't quite have it in me to laugh with him, but I bestowed an indulgent smile.

“I think everyone is looking for the slightest sign you might actually hand over the reins.”

“I will.  At the dedication.”

I don’t know who is talking about stepping down, so I’m uncertain about what’s going on.

My head snapped up; expecting a joke.  But to my surprise, he was staring out of the window at the Sanctuary, its spectacular honey-coloured silhouette dominating the skyline of Tamar.

“But that's only two weeks away.”

He spun around, eyes flashing.  He wasn't used to being questioned, and I held up my hands as if to remind him who he was speaking to.

So the King is talking about stepping down, and the POV character is surprised? I’d suggest having your speech either precede or follow the narrative so we know whether the speech comes from the POV character or not.

“It's not a problem. I just didn't expect this - so soon.”

Gareth ran his hands through his hair and sighed heavily, his anger dissipating as quickly as it came. When he spoke, his voice was softer.

“The building's magnificent by the way.  How did you pull it together so quickly?”

I shrugged.  Building the Sanctuary had been my great passion, another way to draw people to the One who laid the Heartstone. But now it was almost finished, I found no pleasure in it.  When I didn't elaborate he let the matter drop.

This is good character development. I’d like to know why he finds no pleasure in it now. Just one more sentence could round the impression out really well.

“I don't know why everyone's so surprised I'm stepping down.  I'm getting older.” He gave me another hard look, daring me to contradict him.  But unlike many that surrounded the King, I wasn't in the business of flattery.

OVERVIEW:

This is a really good, really smooth read. I was grounded from the beginning. The only two downfalls I see are easily fixed: Make sure the first sentence indicates that the POV character is male, and make sure your speech is either attributed, or attached to the narrative paragraph in such a way as to indicate who is speaking. Beyond that, I don’t think I can help you improve on this.

I feel your POV character’s pain and weariness, which makes me want to read more. This is a different kind of tension than I’m accustomed to, but still very effective. I want to know what happened to this man’s wife, what’s involved in being “the conscience of the Kingdom”, and whether or not the king stepping down is a good or bad thing.

All in all, an excellent read. Well done. If I’d been standing in the bookstore I would have kept turning pages!