Thursday, May 4, 2017

Pitch Wars Early Bird Critique 3 - First 500 - MG Urban Fantasy

To help the authors as much as possible, I've critiqued their full first chapter, however I'm only sharing the first 500 words (as these can get quite long).

To skip directly to the material and critique, scroll down to the star divider line. If you'd like to know how I break down a critique, and what I'm looking for, keep reading:

When critiquing a first chapter, (especially the first 500 words), I'm always searching for these pieces of information. A great book can include all of them right up front. Sometimes one or two need to take longer. But in the first page, or two at most, I should see at least three of these:

Who is the focus of the story?
Where are they?
When is it (i.e. what era--is it today? two hundred years ago? not sure?)
What are they doing?
Why are they doing it

And in the first chapter, if not the first 500 words, I want to know what the character's initial goal is. That goal will likely change as they learn more about the situation they're falling into. However, right up front, the character always needs to want something--desperately. And the author needs to communicate to me what that is, and why they might not get it, as quickly as possible. Because that's what tells me why I should care about this story.

I'm looking for technical expertise--does the author know how to set up a scene? Do they understand backstory and when to include it (and perhaps more importantly, when not to). Is their writing tight and polished, or are there a lot of unnecessary words? Is the author falling into purple prose (over-writing in an attempt to sound good, but actually creating a sense of melodrama which will turn many readers off).

Beyond that, I'm looking at how I respond as a reader. Am I intrigued? Do I care? Do I want to keep reading?

So, with all those elements in mind, here we go...




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Material As Submitted:
The scent of decaying flesh accompanied the memory. Leo’s stomach turned at the thought and he pushed it away, deep down in a corner of his mind where it couldn’t hurt him as much. To clear his head, Leo paced around the bedroom, tossing a basketball back and forth from hand to hand.
     He glanced at the clock on the floor, for the third time. Aside from that and his bed, the only other things in the room were a number of unpacked boxes. Two weeks had passed since he and his mother moved but Leo hoped that if he didn’t unpack, the move wouldn’t be real. He could forget about this house in Upstate New York and move back to New Jersey where his friends and basketball team would welcome him back with raucous applause.
     He began shooting the ball against the wall. Anything to distract him. He stole another peek at the clock. Where is this kid?His new friend, Vikram Singh, had agreed to bring over his laptop. Leo struggled to contain his emotions.
     Major storms had rolled through the area almost the entire time since the move, preventing anything from being turned on in the home. Life for a twelve year old without TV or internet access proved to be no life at all.
     The only good thing had been that the storms had caused significant damage to the middle school closing it for days, so Leo had yet to attend. But as a result he hadn’t had an opportunity to make any other friends. Lucky for him, Vik took archery lessons from the old woman living next door to Leo. The boys met the day Leo moved in while Vik waited for his instructor. They had hung out several times since.
     Ordinarily, the fact that an archery instructor lived right next door would have delighted Leo. He loved the sport, it being one of the many things his father used to teach him. But as of late, his love for many things, especially those connected with his dad had waned.
     But that wasn’t the only reason his excitement abated. In truth, the old woman weirded him out. She showed all the signs of being a typical old lady except for the one time. Leo had been staring out of his bedroom window that overlooked the expansive forest at the end of the street when she pulled into her driveway. She loaded her arms up with a bunch of bags and made her way toward her front door. A huge puddle left from one of the storms blocked her path. She looked up and down the street and leaped right over the water. Leo’s eyes bulged, doubting that he could make such a jump. As soon as she landed, she snapped her head up toward him as though she knew he was there. The memory of her eyes made chills radiate over his skin.
     A knock on his door brought him out of his thoughts. Leo opened it.

Critique (my notes in red font)
The scent of decaying flesh accompanied the memory. Leo’s stomach turned at the thought and he pushed it away, deep down in a corner of his mind where it couldn’t hurt him as much. To clear his head, Leo paced around the bedroom, tossing a basketball back and forth from hand to hand.
This has the potential to be a great hook. But in order to do that, you need to identify where the scent of decaying flesh is coming from, and at least a hint of memory it’s triggering.
i.e. “The carcass of a werewolf crumpled in the corner like an old rag smelled like death. The scent of its decaying flesh turned Leo’s stomach, reminding him of his brother’s corpse and his own bloodied hands. He pushed the memory away . . .” (That’s actually a poor sentence, so don’t use it, but I just wanted to give you an idea of what kind of information you’re going for).
With some tangible details like that, we’re hooked right away. Right now, it’s all happening in a vacuum. There’s no description of the room or anything in it for us to know where we are or how things look. So it’s all still a mystery.

     He glanced at the clock on the floor, for the third time. Aside from that and his bed, the only other things in the room were a number of unpacked boxes.
Too many words without clarity here (and why is the clock on the floor?) Try something like:
Sinking on to his bed, for the third time, he glanced at the clock, propped on the carpet between his unpacked boxes.
See how that worked? In 22 words I’ve given all the same information you did in 31, but in a way that moves a scene, rather than describing it, if that makes sense. You want the reader to know he’s in a mostly empty room because he’s either just moved there, or hasn’t unpacked for a long time. Either way, the images needs to be tangible and we need to see him moving in it to make it real.

Two weeks had passed since he and his mother moved but Leo hoped that if he didn’t unpack, the move wouldn’t be real. He could forget about this house in Upstate New York and move back to New Jersey where his friends and basketball team would welcome him back with raucous applause.
You’ve used the word “move” three times here. You need to change it up. Try things like “Leo refused to unpack, because that meant accepting this was real.”

     He began shooting the ball against the wall. Anything to distract him. He stole another peek at the clock. Where is this kid?His new friend, Vikram Singh, had agreed to bring over his laptop. Leo struggled to contain his emotions.
“He began shooting the ball against the wall.” Is telling. “The basketball thumped against his wall, slapping back into his hand.” is showing. If you keep your necessary descriptions/telling transitions brief and concise, then in these moments when you’re setting a scene, you can use more words to give the reader sensory detail (sight, smell, sound, touch) to make it real, rather than just describe what’s happening.

     Major storms had rolled through the area almost the entire time since the move, preventing anything from being turned on in the home. Life for a twelve year old without TV or internet access proved to be no life at all.
This is the first time it’s clear how old he is, so it’s good you included it so early. So far there’s been no indicator of his age beyond the fact that he’s a minor under his mother’s care. Well done slipping it in there like that.


     The only good thing had been that the storms had caused significant damage to the middle school closing it for days, so Leo had yet to attend. But as a result he hadn’t had an opportunity to make any other friends. Lucky for him, Vik took archery lessons from the old woman living next door to Leo. The boys met the day Leo moved in while Vik waited for his instructor. They had hung out several times since.
Again, we’re deep in telling rather than showing. I won’t rewrite everything for you, but take a look at the paragraphs above. You’re aiming to give the reader scene, sensory detail, not just list events or people. If you make the reader feel like they’re there, experiencing it in Leo’s skin, then they fall into the story and forget they’re reading. If they are just being told what’s happening, they won’t be gripped and you’ll lose them.

     Ordinarily, the fact that an archery instructor lived right next door would have delighted Leo. He loved the sport, it being one of the many things his father used to teach him. But as of late, his love for many things, especially those connected with his dad had waned.
Ooooooo, good hint of hidden pain/conflict.

     But that wasn’t the only reason his excitement abated. In truth, the old woman weirded him out. She showed all the signs of being a typical old lady except for the one time. Leo had been staring out of his bedroom window that overlooked the expansive forest at the end of the street when she pulled into her driveway. She loaded her arms up with a bunch of bags and made her way toward her front door. A huge puddle left from one of the storms blocked her path. She looked up and down the street and leaped right over the water. Leo’s eyes bulged, doubting that he could make such a jump. As soon as she landed, she snapped her head up toward him as though she knew he was there. The memory of her eyes made chills radiate over his skin.
This is very close to being what you need in terms of a hook, and ‘showing’. It’s in exactly the right place, and has the right elements. But make it more of a scene within a scene. Keep it in past tense, but let him hear the rustle of the shopping bags, or her heavy heels clomping on the cement, or whatever. Then, when she leaps, there’s no sound, or maybe there’s a slap for landing in water. However you do it, Leo needs to express this as more than just being “weirded out”. If this woman did the impossible, this is your moment for Leo to describe what his current goal is: Forget about his father by distracting himself with the mystery of figuring out who—or what—his neighbor is.
     A knock on his door brought him out of his thoughts. Leo opened it.

SUMMARY:
There’s a great core here of an intriguing character in a very shifty circumstance. Because I've read much further along, I know there's lots of mystery and promise of interesting reveals to come. However, the writing itself needs a little more refinement. Focus on giving the reader an experience in each scene, rather than information. If you do that (seriously) you’ll have a very strong story. Because it’s clear this is based on some really solid plot conflicts, and very interesting players. I say work hard at revising for “show not tell” and then query. Because there’s a ton of potential here—I see an audience crossover with Rick Riordan’s fans.

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