When I read a query, or query blurb, I'm looking for five major elements communicated crisply, quickly, and clearly:
Who is the book about, where are they (and when, if applicable)? What does the protagonist want? What's the conflict, and who or what is the antagonistic force? What's at stake--and for your final hook, what specific obstacle will potentially stop the protagonist from achieving their goal?
If a query can outline that in under 250 words, it's a winner. So let's take a look at this query and see how it stacks up:
ORIGINAL
MATERIAL:
Dear [Agent]:
Hazel Blackmore knows everything there is to know
about magic: from what essences are needed to enchant her way to the perfect
cup of coffee, to solving complex potioning equations. The only thing stopping
her from being the most competent practitioner the world has ever seen is her
complete lack of magical ability, without with she can’t even begin to pull
magic through the Veil. The best she can do is to work her ass off at her aunt
Enid’s Essence Distillery to prove herself.
When Enid disappears and several of the essence
brews start unraveling, Hazel has to rely on her own wits to find the solution
to her problems. With the help of Leo, a charming courier with a dark past,
they have to find Enid before an anti magic terrorist group and a black market
gang do.
Only, Leo has an agenda of his own, and Hazel is in
over her head. If she can’t find the solution to this problem, things might get
worse than just losing some business. The Veil that holds magic back could tear
and flood Denver with raw magic. And you know what they say about too much of a
good thing…
[TITLE} is a 75,000 word Contemporary Fantasy that
should appeal to fans of Seannan McGuire’s October Daye series.
Thank you for your consideration,
[AUTHOR NAME]
CRITIQUE
(My words in red font):
Dear [Agent]:
Hazel Blackmore knows everything there is to know
about magic: from what essences are needed to enchant her way to the perfect
cup of coffee, to solving complex potioning equations.
Excellent opening! It demonstrates exactly
who the character is and what they’re dealing with in this story. Well done.
The only thing stopping her from being the most
competent practitioner the world has ever seen is her complete lack of magical
ability, without with she can’t even begin to pull magic through the Veil. The
best she can do is to work her ass off at her aunt Enid’s Essence Distillery to
prove herself.
Great info, though you first sentence is
run-on. Try to break it up, and use the least possible amount of words to
express the idea (i.e. instead of “the world has ever seen” you could use “in
history”). We’re also getting hints of the voice, which is ideal. Very good.
When Enid disappears and several of the essence
brews start unraveling, Hazel has to rely on her own wits to find the solution
to her problems.
Great set up, but find something sharper
than “the solution to her problems”. What is the problem—what could happen if
the brews actually unravel? Use that: “Hazel has to rely on her own wits to
avoid X destroying Y.”
With the help of Leo, a charming courier with a dark
past, they have to find Enid before an anti magic terrorist group and a black
market gang do.
You’ve got all the right elements here,
but if it works for your plot, introduce the terrorist/black market groups
before this. “When Enid disappears with an anti-magic terrorist group on her
heels, several of her brews start to unravel….” Or something like that.
Whatever works for your story. But introduce that conflict where it applies.
Only, Leo has an agenda of his own, and Hazel is in
over her head. If she can’t find the solution to this problem, things might get
worse than just losing some business.
The last sentence here is unnecessary. The
stakes (which are crucial) are laid out in the follow sentence, so just move
directly to that.
The Veil that holds magic back could tear and flood
Denver with raw magic. And you know what they say about too much of a good
thing…
No, we don’t. This is the first real
problem with your query. We need to know what could happen—and we need to know
what obstacle Hazel faces to stop it happening. I gather she’s got to figure
out how to stop magic without using magic, but you haven’t cleared that up. And
this is too vague to make the reader ride it out to find out. Make it specific:
“Hazel must save Enid from X and get her home. Otherwise the brews could flood
Denver with raw magic, tearing the city from its foundations and killing
everyone in it—including Hazel.” That’s not a good example, but I want you to
see what we’re looking for: Hazel has a task or goal that must be achieved,
identify who or what could stop her, then show what will happen if she fails.
[TITLE} is a 75,000 word Contemporary Fantasy that
should appeal to fans of Seannan McGuire’s October Daye series.
Thank you for your consideration,
[AUTHOR NAME]
Excellent!
SUMMARY:
Overall, a very well delivered query. There’s
moments that are too vague, but I suspect even without those you’d get some
requests if your sample material is up to scratch.
If you really want to engage the reader’s (agent’s)
interest, make your conflict and stakes specific. Let us get a glimpse of what
will go wrong unless Hazel succeeds.
And one side note: You’ve hinted that Leo might not
be a good guy, but nothing’s panning out here. I’d be inclined to follow
through on that by indicating that Hazel has to do X whether Leo’s helping her
or not. Give a stronger hint there. Does Hazel think she has to do this alone—or
worse, is Leo actually working against her? Your query is nice and short, so it
won’t be hurt by adding an extra sentence or two to heighten the tension on
that point.
But overall, be very pleased. You’ve got really
strong bones here. With a little refinement, I suspect you’ll get a lot of
interest.
Good luck!
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