Wednesday, May 10, 2017

Pitch Wars Early Bird Mentor Critique 7 - QUERY - YA High Fantasy

When I read a query, or query blurb, I'm looking for five major elements communicated crisply, quickly, and clearly:

Who is the book about, where are they (and when, if applicable)? What does the protagonist want? What's the conflict, and who or what is the antagonistic force? What's at stake--and for your final hook, what specific obstacle will potentially stop the protagonist from achieving their goal? All my query notes are written with these things in mind.

A NOTE ABOUT THIS QUERY: All the writers who submit to me for critique are putting themselves in a situation of vulnerability. They don't know me, so can't know how I'll review their work. Despite that, in order to be considered, they had to agree to allow me to post their material publicly. 

In this case, I've given a lot of corrective feedback. That has no bearing on the book behind the query. Query and blurb writing are a completely different skillset to novel writing.

I am the last writer to judge another for a weak blurb because, quite frankly, I stink at writing them. It's taken eight years of working at this unique skill to write even passable summaries of my stories--despite knowing exactly what should be there, and in what form, and having worked with a senior editor to develop them.

So, as you read the critique I've given, please be clear: I have those utmost respect for this writer and want nothing more than to help them succeed.


ORIGINAL MATERIAL:

17 year old Vienna has always known there was more beyond the southern forest. That a life waiting for her beyond The Republic of Gagadera.

She's determined to defy everything in order to know the truth, but when hunters attack and a dark, smoke covered creature saves her, Vienna is forced into the wild north where a group called Imperium take special interest in her.

With no other choice but to join them, Vienna quickly learns just what sort of hard life awaits her after discovering she is like the creature that saved her, and that it is from beyond her world. 
Thrust into the dangers of comrades and enemies and new found power, Vienna befriends another like her, Luke, who seems to be both more in control of his gifts and more interested in Vienna than she seems to understand.

But soon, she realizes being different is much harder than constantly controlling ones emotions. There are laws she doesn’t agree with, decisions that leave her guilty as she's forced to lie in order to protect herself and Luke, and her dream of beyond the barrier protecting her world. And as time goes on and she learns her role to Imperium, the hunters and a few Hybrid Haters aren’t her only trouble.
The ancient barrier protecting their world is in danger of falling. With it gone, it could mean the destruction of her world. And with the hunters keen on obtaining Vienna, her loyalty to Imperium is tested. The more she doubts them, the more Hybrid lives are taken.

Realizing things are much bigger than ever dreamed Vienna no longer knows who she can trust let alone herself, as dark voices plague her thoughts and dangerous secrets fill her heart .

Time is running out for her to make a choice: remain trapped in Imperium with Luke, or risk all of Gagadera for a life she'd always wanted.

My name is [NAME] and [TITLE} is the first installment of [SERIES TITLE]. It is a 140,000 word YA Fantasy novel. I will be graduating from California State University, Northridge with a BA in Creative Writing spring 2017.


CRITIQUE (My words in red font):

17 year old Vienna has always known there was more beyond the southern forest. That a life waiting for her beyond The Republic of Gagadera.

I’m not sure if this is one sentence that’s been incorrectly edited to become two, or two sentences in which the second one hasn’t been properly proofread. Either way, I can guarantee most agents would stop reading at this point. They’ll figure if you can’t proof-read a query to get your blurb clear, then the chances of you having a well-polished 140,000 word manuscript are virtually nil.

She's determined to defy everything in order to know the truth,

What is “everything”? We have no context for that reference, so it actually creates questions about what this book entails, rather than answering them (which is the primary purpose of a query—to tell the reader what the book is about in an intriguing way).


but when hunters attack and a dark, smoke covered creature saves her, Vienna is forced into the wild north where a group called Imperium take special interest in her.

A common misconception in new authors is that cool names and mysterious references heighten the sense of drama and fantasy. Actually, they just create confusion unless they’re woven with very clear, concise details. When your book isn’t set in the real world, it’s imperative to give only necessary information, and to give the reader a picture of what they’re dealing with. The “Smoke covered creature” is a little vague, though at least I have an idea what it is. However, “hunters”, “wild north” and “imperium” have no reference for me. So they’re just words on a page. Are hunters and Imperium humans? Humanoids? Fantasy creatures? Organisations? I don’t know, so I can’t form an image in my mind. And the “wild north” (very reminiscent of Game of Thrones) hasn’t been mentioned before (we had a reference to the Southern forest, but nothing else) so I’m clueless again. Is it a wild environment? A forest full of wild creatures? Or some completely fabricated construct? I don’t know.


With no other choice but to join them,

Is she joining the creature, the Imperium, or the hunters? I assume it’s the imperium, but because so many other details have been unclear, I don’t entirely trust my instincts.


Vienna quickly learns just what sort of hard life awaits her after discovering she is like the creature that saved her, and that it is from beyond her world. 

That it’s from beyond her world kind of goes without saying—it’s not human, and she didn’t know what it was. Yet you’re also saying that she is a smoke-covered creature? Yet she’s never seen one before? I’ll admit, I’m very confused.


Thrust into the dangers of comrades and enemies and new found power,

This sentence doesn’t actually tell us anything about the story. It’s another common mistake that these kinds of vague, over-arching sentences sound good. However, because they have no detail, all they do is blend your story with every other fantasy story ever written. Queries require specificity in order to deliver story in the brevity that’s required.


Vienna befriends another like her, Luke, who seems to be both more in control of his gifts and more interested in Vienna than she seems to understand.

You have two “seems to” here—both of which are unnecessary. Is he more in control, or not? Does she understand it, or not? It’s one or the other. Additionally, since we don’t actually know what she is, “another like her” doesn’t tell us anything concrete, which has become frustrating at this point.


But soon, she realizes being different is much harder than constantly controlling ones emotions.

This really threw me. I have no context for emotions in the scheme of this character/story as they haven’t been mentioned before. So there’s no realization for the reader here, just questions about that means. Note: By this time, every agent of good standing would have already marked this for a generic rejection letter. Agents want to see that you know how to communicate your story in brief—and that you can identify what information is important in doing so. Unfortunately, neither of those have been achieved here.


There are laws she doesn’t agree with, decisions that leave her guilty as she's forced to lie in order to protect herself and Luke, and her dream of beyond the barrier protecting her world.

This sentence doesn’t actually make sense. If I cut everything after the last comma, it makes sense grammatically, but again, because we have no context for either of the statements (laws she doesn’t agree with, and lying) we’re still completely in the dark regarding what this story is about.


And as time goes on and she learns her role to Imperium, the hunters and a few Hybrid Haters aren’t her only trouble.

Another grammatically or typographical error that stops the sentence from making sense. There are several in this short query blurb. I’m afraid there’s a lot of work to do here.


The ancient barrier protecting their world is in danger of falling.

This is the second reference to a barrier, but since neither tell us what it is, or how it works, it isn’t doing it’s job which is to outline what the antagonistic force is… at least, I think that’s what it is. I don’t know.  (Is the barrier a wall? Magic? A curse that kills people? A technological forcefield? You don’t have tell every detail, but we need one good one in order to give it a framework—what, specifically, is she dealing with?)


With it gone, it could mean the destruction of her world.

This is the only clear statement in this entire query. I now know what’s at stake (at least, in the big picture, though not for Vienna herself): If she doesn’t succeed, her world could be destroyed.


And with the hunters keen on obtaining Vienna, her loyalty to Imperium is tested.

Wait, she’s loyal to these…things? (I’m not sure what or who they are). If she’s aligned with them, you need to show early on that when she comes in contact with them, she chooses their side. Because the way it’s phrased about, she’s reluctantly a part of whatever they are. Which, to me, implies that she has no loyalty beyond saving her own skin. I know that might be how it starts, but it may develop. But you need to show that “As she and Luke grow to admire the Imperium” or something along those lines that shows her becoming loyal to them.


The more she doubts them, the more Hybrid lives are taken.

Okay, so we’re back to doubting the Imperium again. I’m sorry, I’m desperately confused. Is she loyal to them or not? And what are Hybrids? Again, it’s dropping in an element without any information or frame of reference, as if we already know what they are.


Realizing things are much bigger than ever dreamed Vienna no longer knows who she can trust let alone herself, as dark voices plague her thoughts and dangerous secrets fill her heart .

Another sentence that doesn’t make sense and adds references we haven’t been informed about (when or how did she learn she can’t trust herself? And when did dark voices become a part of the problem?) Again, I’m not sure if this is a non-first-language English-speaker, or just a hastily cobbled together revision on a query. But it’s imperative that you proofread your query (or have someone with an eye for detail do it for you) otherwise, no matter how well written your book is, it will never get past the query stage.


Time is running out for her to make a choice: remain trapped in Imperium with Luke, or risk all of Gagadera for a life she'd always wanted.

There’s another life she wants? What is it? Why does it appeal to her? Why didn’t we hear about it at the beginning? That’s her entire story goal, summed up in a single sentence. You should be leading with that information, not dropping it in at the end.


My name is [NAME] and [TITLE} is the first installment of [SERIES TITLE]. It is a 140,000 word YA Fantasy novel. I will be graduating from California State University, Northridge with a BA in Creative Writing spring 2017.

I’ll be completely honest with you: If you’re in your fourth year of a creative writing degree and haven't proofread a less-than-a-page document, you have a problem. If I was an agent and received this query (and kept reading to the end) I would dismiss that last paragraph as a lie. I’m assuming it isn’t. You’ve been very specific. But, forgive me, your work here doesn’t demonstrate the skills you should have learned that far into a degree.


SUMMARY:

Please don’t be discouraged, but you need to go back to the drawing board with this. I think you’re simultaneously trying to cover too much ground about your story, not understanding which elements of the plot/characters are important, and possibly rushing through your work without proofreading.

A query should quickly, specifically, deliver on a minimum of:

- Who the main character is
- What they want
- Who or what is the antagonistic force
- What brings the protagonist into conflict with the antagonist
- What’s at stake (i.e. what would be the consequences of failure)
- What obstacle or event stands in the protagonist’s way from reaching their goal (or threatens to ensure their failure)

My advice for you would be, before you do anything else, write a single sentence for each of those questions/pieces of information and use those as the framework for your query blurb. Then only fill in the elements that are required to answer those questions. And when you do, give specifics. Because you’re in fantasy, you can’t leave settings or peoples in a vacuum. If the Hunters/Imperium are humans, you need to tell us that. If they aren’t, we need to know that too. There’s no need to reference a southern forest if the conflict is about the northern wilds. And fancy names don’t give us any information unless you give a touch of detail to go with them (i.e. “The Republic of Gagadera, where the tribal Xenafo people live among the misty rainforests.”)

Once you have your elements outlined and you know what is needed for the reader to understand what and who they are, go read at least 40-50 blurbs from traditionally published fantasy books on amazon. You can do it for free there, and study how the blurb is structured—what information is placed in which portion of the blurb? How much of it is about the people, the setting, or the conflict/plot devices? That sort of thing. Get a feel for how blurbs come together that are written by professionals. Then, when you’ve re-drafted your query, hand it to 5-10 people who know nothing about your book (i.e. not friends who've listened to you talk about it), and, without answering any questions or giving them any information ahead of time, ask them to tell you what they think your book is about from the blurb. That’s a really good way to learn whether your story is being accurately represented by your query.


Good luck. I know I’ve given a lot of negative feedback here. I’m sorry about that. Blurb writing is a very different skill to manuscript writing, so I really do hope you’re able to work something out that does your clearly epic story justice!

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