Still working hard to get this query nailed.
Brutally honest thoughts / advice greatly appreciated - in comments, or tweet me.
(UPDATE NOTE: Changes may have been made since comments were posted)
Seventeen-year-old schizophrenic Sheridan “Dani” Hayes arrives at the prestigious Saint Matthews Preparatory High School with one goal: Appear normal. That is, until the two hottest guys in school start vying for her attention.
Confused by their interest and suspicious of their motives, Dani’s digging uncovers what her new friends already know: Dani's delusions are actually second sight. She’s the prophesied Seer, anticipated since Creation. Her admirers stand on opposing sides of a supernatural war, sparring for her heart because they know whichever way she goes, the world will follow.
With superhuman armies gathering in the shadows and the threat of an apocalypse resting squarely on her shoulders, Dani must decide whether she’ll die for the truth – or live with herself if she doesn’t.
GOOD MONSTERS is a YA Urban Fantasy, complete at 76,000 words. It is the first of three books following Dani Hayes as she comes to terms with love and her own unique purpose – in the middle of the eternal battle between good and evil.
I have attached [pages / content as per agent submission guidelines] for your consideration. May I send you the entire manuscript?
Thank you for your time,
Aimee L. Salter
I bracketed a couple of corrected errors and a few thoughts. The synopsis should be brief...but it's okay to give it some life! I am sure your story is amazing, and it deserves the justice. :)ReplyDelete
Seventeen-year-old schizophrenic Sheridan “Dani” Hayes arrives at the prestigious Saint Matthews Preparatory High School hoping for a fresh start. When Carl Morgan and Adam Wallace – Saint Matthew’s two most eligible bachelors – start vying for her attention it seems too good to be true. [Maybe give a sweet, suave one-sentence description of the two boys, and contrast them.]
[But as the semester wears on, their interest begins to confuse her--and makes her suspicious.] Confused by their interest and suspicious of their motives, Dani investigates. She’s about to learn what her [admirers] already know: [Dani's] delusions are actually second sight. She’s the prophesied Seer, anticipated since Creation.
Carl and Adam stand on opposing sides of a supernatural war, sparring for her heart because they know wherever she goes, the world will follow.
With unseen [supernatural? human? fae?] armies gathering in the shadows and the threat of an apocalypse resting squarely on her shoulders, Dani must decide whether it’s harder to die for the truth, or live with yourself when you don’t. [Nice!]
GOOD MONSTERS is a Young Adult / Urban Fantasy, complete at 76,000 words and free of any cursing or sexual content. It is the first of three books following Dani Hayes as she comes to terms with love and her own unique purpose – in the middle of the eternal battle between good and evil.
Aimee, i think it's pretty well spot on. Good enough to get a possible reaction from an agent. You can sweat this till your blue in the face, but in the end you have to trust to the Fates and just send it.ReplyDelete
I think any longer and you'll risk boring the agent, any shorter and you won't have told them enough. And I think you've been punchy and succinct.
For what its worth, here in Australia, you are still asked for a full synopsis with your partial sub. And a partial is only asked for after a standard polite email contact with basic query info. A query has far less impact that in the States and both here and in the UK, they attach a lot of weight to whether it has been assessed by a major editorial consultancy and given the tick of approval. If it has, the chances are you may well be asked to submit a partial.
Time to post it off now, good luck!
Thanks Pru - I am actually submitting in the States, so I'm working hard to get it to that level. But you're right, there comes a point where it can get overworked. Thanks for the thoughts - I'm getting there I think!ReplyDelete
Love the query, want to read the story. I'd just shorten genre description to YA Urban Fantasy. No slash.ReplyDelete
Excellent, thanks Brooklyn! I appreciate you dropping in :)ReplyDelete
I am absolutely, 100% not an expert, but it looks great to me!ReplyDelete
A couple of tiny little things: I'd change the words "eligible bachelor" in the first paragraph to something that actually sounds age-appropriate. "Most popular guys" or "hottest boys" sounds much more in the ballpark than "eligible bachelor" in YA.
In the paragraph that starts "GOOD MONSTERS is ..." I'd edit it down to "GOOD MONSTERS is a Young Adult / Urban Fantasy, complete at 76,000 words." Full stop.
Go! Send! Good luck! It sounds fantastic!
Why thank you... whoever you are! :)ReplyDelete
Aimee: I was about to post the same comment as "Anonymous" - the word "bachelor" in relation to a 17 year old makes me a little uncomfy :) Otherwise pretty good!ReplyDelete
Procrastinating from my own writing, dropped in to see your update. I got tingles reading it! Wow--kudos!ReplyDelete
Yup, I'd say send it in! :D
Wow, thanks Christie - it means a lot that you came back - ha!ReplyDelete
I have a few notes I hope can help: First, I don't think you should call Dani schizophrenic in the first paragraph since she's not. Maybe say she was diagnosed and struggles to hide it at her new school.ReplyDelete
Second, I think you should be more specific about Dani's choice. If she chooses not to die in order to save the world, wouldn't she die in the apocalypse? I found this a little confusing.
Finally, I don't think you should mention that it's the first in a series because from what I hear, agents prefer stand alone novels that may branch out if successful.
Feel free to accept or reject as you like. The book itself sounds quite interesting.
Love it. It definitely leaves me wanting to read more and to know what happens. Let me know how your querying goes!ReplyDelete