Best of 2012 (aka I Bees in Yer Hed Now)

And finally, coming in at number one post for the year with a whopping THREE TIMES more hits than the closest follower, I am proud to give you LOL CATS GO LITERARY...

I wuz crusin the internets for laffs and found sum funny lol cats who share our jurney. Enjoy.

The Nine Rules of Effective Writing - How Many Do You Break?

1. Do not put statements in the negative form.

2. And don't start sentences with a conjunction.

3. If you reread your work, you will find on rereading that a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.

4. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.

5. Unqualified superlatives are the worst of all.

6. De-accession euphemisms.

7. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.

8. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.

9. Last, but not least, avoid cliches like the plague.

~William Safire, "Great Rules of Writing"

Harry Potter Hilarity

Sometimes I read the work of other writers and am inspired.  Sometimes I'm moved.  Other times I laugh until coffee comes out my nose.

Even though this is old, it still tickles my funny bone in a way that is dangerous. I think you should go to Beth Revis's blog right now . Just stay away from any liquids until you've watched all three videos.

*Laugh*

Why I Love Fictional Heroes (Part I)

This post is written from the heroine's point of view, hence the first person POV. *Cough*

Top Ten Reasons I Love Fictional Heroes

10. He's hot - even if it's in that quirky, or needed-to-get-to-know-him-to-see-it way. Whatever. He bakes my cookies.

9. He's smart. He's got answers. And he usually has a side-kick (or mentor) that can help a lot too.

8. Dude's got skillz. Doesn't hurt if he's a MacGyver-cum-Bond-esque para-military-slash-superhero hero, either. Just sayin'. (And if you're too young to understand those references, don't tell me. It makes me feel old).

7. That raw, manly strength that can beat down doors to run to my aid, can also be tenderly restrained when touching me. Momma likes self-control. Yes, she does.

6. He has resources at his disposal. It may be supreme wealth, supreme power, supreme ability-no-one-else-has, or the power to pin me with his eyes. Whatever. He has the goods.

5. Speaking of Eyes... Honey looks me in the eye. A lot. He's not afraid to let me in the windows to his soul. And while I'm there, he may occasionally smolder...

4. He's affectionate. Even if he's never let himself be caught holding hands in public before, he loves me so much he can't keep his hands off me - even in the G-rated pages. I'm that special.

3. He loves me more than he's ever loved any woman he's ever met. Ever. And when he get confused by the jealous flash of a thigh from an ex, or other such trivialities, all he has to do is look into my eyes to remember where he really wants to be...

2. Hero is a good kisser. Just the right kind: No helicopter tongues. No slobbering messes so I have to wash my face after we make out. No engulfing half my face so I'm breathing in his asophagus. Hero has mastered the mouth-dance. And we can get jiggy for a long time.

1. He wants me - but he loves me enough to wait until I'm ready. Oh, yes, does he want me.  And when he's implementing point number two, sometimes he trembles because his unquenched desire is almost overwhelming in the rush of touching my G-rated skin.


Sigh....

Your Turn: What is it about fictional heroes / heroines that works? What makes reading them a delicious experience?

Top 10 Reasons You Need An Editor

Yes, these examples are real. They have been taken from books available for purchase as e-books and in hard copy. No, they are not intended to mock or point the finger (hence no author names / book titles). They are just examples of how easy it is to get lost in our own stories, in our own heads, and lose sight of how our words may be perceived by others.

So, without further ado, I give you...

THE TOP TEN REASONS YOU NEED AN EDITOR

#10. Contradictions:

"...My tongue clove to the roof of my mouth, but I managed the one word, "Immortality!""


#9. Questionable Functionality:

"...He leafed through the papers with one hand, as with the other he continued to crunch toast and marmalade."


#8. Cringe-worthy Metaphors

"The Gulf Stream was rocking the boat in the cleavage of its D-cup bosomy swells."


#7. Befuddled Similes

"...No, affinity wasn't quite the right word, it felt more like they were two north poles of a bipolar magnet, each vigorously, automatically repelled by the other."


#6. ???

"We are between the wild throat of certainty and the mad zitidar of fact - we can escape neither..."


#5. Detachable Body Parts:

"...He gently removed her glasses, and his hard chest rubbed against her breasts as he leaned over to put them on the table next to his gun."


#4. Purple Prose (with a side of Number 8)

"When he was yet a million miles away the bright ring of fire that marked its portal filled the sky in front of him, flexing and twisting like the devil's anus in spasms of immortal agony..."


#3. Over-Selling

"Nothing short of a machine gun could have stopped Gog in his first outburst! He was finally subdued with tear gas."


#2. Achieving the Impossible

"He held his left hand out in front of his face; palm down and with his index finger raised six-inches above his head."


#1. Body Dysmorphic Disorder

"Like a man in wonderland, Gordon Drew watched them for a while, then he went further up the main street and finally turned into a small teashop."


Your Turn: Have you ever caught yourself phrasing in a way that communicated a completely different image to what you intended? Give us examples! Let's share the wealth of our own slips. I'll go first:

In a book where the hero / heroine used eye-contact to indicate trust and solidarity, I once wrote:

"He gave her his eyes and didn't let them drop."

*Facepalm*

The Best Three Minutes You'll Ever Spend Learning About Writing

Have you floundered your way through a first draft? Shuffled through critiques? Flailed in distress at all the work you had to do? Have you reached such limits of despair your limbs spasmed with fatigue?

It's important for you to know: You are not alone. These people know how you feel.

I think we can agree, the takeaway here is that no matter how sad your skirt, no matter how gender-confusing your haircut, no matter how many surgeries you had to remove the polyester burns -- one day your moment in the spotlight will arrive.

Make sure you don't wish it hadn't.

Your Turn: Do you know the Awkward Turtle? Do you use it? Then join me in 'turtling' that couple who hump across the stage together in the middle of this fiasco. TOMORROW: David Hasselhoff's master class in being... well, you decide:

Christmas is a Time for Laughter...

...So, I had to share this:

Don't you hate it when someone tweets something AWESOME and you can't RT it because there isn't enough space? (I work off Hootsuite - a great way to ride on the coattails of other people's brilliance). Well, that happened me to a little while back. And I thought it was so snort-worthy, I saved it for a day I wanted a giggle.

So, for your pre-Christmas treat, I give you the funniest tweet I wish I wrote:

Google: "I have everything!"
Facebook: "I know everybody!"
Internet:"Without me, you all are nothing."
Electricity: "Keep talking, b&!#%s."

(Via @therealhenny)


Your Turn: What's your favorite funny tweet / pithy quote?

Life is Good

Happy Thanksgiving! This year I'm thankful for God, for you, and for Flight of the Conchords and their total political incorrectness...

Enjoy:

Humor is an Arrow in Your Writerly Quiver

I did a post a while back on how using humor is a great way to 'get away with stuff'.  But the video below - which had me laughing until I cried, as well as squirming in my seat - got me thinking about another use for humor:

Humor builds bridges.  If, like me, you're writing for a young audience, or your books are addressing difficult topics, don't underestimate how much value humor can add.  When people are laughing they rarely stop to judge.  And if they aren't judging, you've already got a foot in the door to their hearts.

I wouldn't suggest using humor to marginalize important issues, but used as a tool, it can break down barriers and get people thinking.  You can take the sting out of scary, or the fidgets out of fear.

Or you can just have a dang good time. 

Case and point:

Let the humor be organic and understated, but use it just like you'd use a plot point or a character arc: intentionally.

Your Turn: Can you name a book that used humor to break down walls or bring the reader on board with something, or someone that was objectionable?

Five Ways to Have Fun With Those Imaginary Friends We Call "Characters"

Sometimes we can get so focused on technical brilliance or plotting or character development, writing loses some of its delight. 

Below are just a handful of things you could do for fun.  Silly things to help you remember why you love these characters, where the joy of writing comes from, or just to have a laugh:

1. Make Wii Mii's of your favorite characters and play them in tennis.

2. Use Google Images to search up physical features or hobbies (don't search on actor's names) and find your character's 'real person' doppelganger.

3. Make a fake Twitter account for your hero / heroine / villain then have a conversation with them online.

4. Write a blogpost in the character's voice, describing their most embarrassing moment.

5. Write a scene between the real you and your hero / heroine wherein the hero / heroine beats up or burns the person who jacked on you in high school. 

Your Turn: What do you do for the pure fun of being a writer?
Tweet

Elevator Pitch Hilarity

Remember that post on framing your message with humor to make it easier to swallow?


Well, this little gem I saw on Janet Reid's blog totally proves my point.  (That's a Cyberspace-Told-You-So, if you missed it).

Go ahead, watch it.  You'll laugh, you'll cringe - and you'll get some great advice on what NOT to do at your next writer's conference...

Laughter is the Best Rule Breaker

This whole rapture thing has been really bugging me. But this blog isn't about spiritual beliefs or the accuracy of the Bible. It's about writing a book. So, reminding myself about the recent post on author commentary wherein I talked about not preaching, I kept my mouth shut.

Then I saw this picture, which got me thinking about an addendum on the "No Preaching to the Choir" rule:

If you're funny, you can get away with a lot.

If someone is funny, you find what they're saying less abrasive. 
 
Even if the point isn't something you'd normally agree with, or the subject isn't one you'd be interested in, a real laugh will keep you focused and waiting for more. 
 
If something is funny, it can get you thinking without putting your defensive walls up.
 

When you're laughing, you like people better - you can appreciate someone for the humor they inject, even if you don't necessarily want to think about what they stand for.
 
 
 

And, perhaps most importantly, when you're laughing, you're more likely to swallow a 'moral to the story' without choking on it.
 
 
 

Whatever the issue, humor makes anything more tolerable.

 

'Nuff said.

The Nine Rules of Writing Well

1.  Do not put statements in the negative form.

2.  And don't start sentences with a conjunction.

3.  If you reread your work, you will find on rereading that a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.

4.  Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do. 

5.  Unqualified superlatives are the worst of all.

6.  De-accession euphemisms.

7.  If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.

8.  Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.

9.  Last, but not least, avoid cliches like the plague.

~William Safire, "Great Rules of Writing"

Just Because it Made Me Laugh

Past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense.


(Thanks to Twitter friends @davidrodansky and @2write2day)

What Happens When Mr. King Hits the Eggnog...

...or maybe I was only dreaming?

Ten points to the first person who can tell me who the third author is???

How NOT to Become a Published Author

....or so I'm told:



If you agree with or empathize with the writer in this video at any point, let me know which line is in your head.  I'll find an agent to respond to it.

Have fun!

Aimee

The Natalie Fischer Mission

...or rather yours: 

Natalie Fischer, Literary Agent, and thus One Of Us Writer Types, is currently being out-googled by a... doll maker. 

This cannot be.

Mainly because a while back Natalie (without even knowing me) was responsible for retweeting my blog and gaining me a bunch of followers.  So I'm grateful.  And I need your help to show it. 

Here's YOUR mission:

Get on Google and search "Natalie Fischer Seeking Write Life" or "Natalie Fischer Mission" or "Natalie Fischer Aimee Salter Best Author Known To Man", etc, etc, etc (whatever comes to mind).  And lets see if we can get Natalie back her google mojo.

Are you game?

GO!

PS - No, Natalie isn't my agent.  In fact, we've never met or tweeted.  She's probably pretty creeped out by this.  The idea makes me giggle.

PSS - I already have an agent.