This is the fourth in a series of critiques of first 500 words from complete novels. Each submission has been made voluntarily by the author. A chance to win a first chapter critique goes to anyone who comments on this, or other First 500 posts.
Authors critiqued in this series will be offered the chance to send revised material for critique in a follow-up series.
Reader comments and impressions are welcome, but please ensure you're offering constructive (i.e. practical, useful) advice. Troll comments will be deleted.
RUN ON SENTENCE. TRY “Lauren FOLLOWED red-lettered warning signs to the visitor’s parking lot. SHE PULLED UP beside the construction trailer.” OR SIMILAR.
She knew her dad saw her when he smiled across the flat stretch of mud and concrete.
PHRASES LIKE ‘SHE KNEW’, ‘SHE FELT’, ‘SHE HEARD’ ARE TELLING AND SEPARATE THE READER FROM THE ACTION. SHOWING WOULD BE ALONG THE LINES OF ‘HER DAD LOOKED UP AT THE SOUND OF HER CAR. HE SMILED WHEN HE CAUGHT HER EYE."
He stuck his arm out the window and flexed his bicep, then turned his fist out and flexed again. For Big Jim Webb that gesture was like saying aloha. He did it coming and going.
I’M SURE THIS IS MEANT TO BE CHARACTERIZATION, BUT INSTEAD IT’S JUST COMPLICATED AND HARD TO IMAGINE, SO PULLS THE READER OUT OF THE STORY AT A TIME WHEN THAT’S THE KISS OF DEATH. IF THIS GESTURE ISN’T IMPORTANT TO THE PLOT, I’D SUGGEST YOU JUST HAVE HIM WAVE. IF IT IS, FIND A SIMPLER GESTURE THE READER WILL BE FAMILIAR WITH AND EASILY ENVISION.
When he finished lifting the boom, he signaled to her brother, Junior, that they were breaking for lunch and then he shut down the crane.
YOU’VE GOT A LOT GOING ON IN THAT SENTENCE. CUT IT INTO PIECES SO IT’S MORE STIMULUS AND RESPONSE – HE’S SEEN HER, SO HE FINISHES WHAT HE’S DOING. THEN HE GETS THE BROTHER’S ATTENTION. THEN HE / THEY APPROACH.
The crew walked to the parking lot. Some left to go eat and the rest went to their cars and ate out of their lunchboxes.
TOO DETAILED. A CONSTRUCTION SITE IS FAIRLY EASY TO IMAGINE. JUST LET THE READER KNOW THE MEN ARE HEADED AWAY FOR LUNCH, WE’LL FILL IN THE REST.
When they saw Lauren, her dad’s friends nodded in her direction.
CUT ‘WHEN THEY SAW LAUREN’. THEY ARE EXTRA WORDS THAT ARE IMPLIED BY WHAT FOLLOWS.
Everyone knew she was Big Jim’s daughter, and they cleaned up their language for her, doing their best to be respectful.
CHOOSE 'CLEANED UP LANGUAGE' OR 'BEST TO BE RESPECTFUL'. BOTH INDICATE THE SAME THING AND TOGETHER THEY EFFECTIVELY REPEAT EACH OTHER. USE THE WORDS TO MOVE THE STORY MORE.
NOTE: WE’RE OVER 150 WORDS IN, AND ALL THAT HAS HAPPENED IS LAUREN ARRIVING AT THE SITE. THAT’S NOT A HUGE PROBLEM, BUT IF YOU WANT TO HOOK READERS IN THAT FIRST HALF-PAGE THEY READ WHEN THEY PICK UP THE BOOK IN A STORE, THIS PROBABLY ISN’T GOING TO DO IT.
Lauren had learned the art of profanity at her father’s knee,
EXCELLENT CHARACTERIZATION, KEEP IT.
and she knew she could make them all blush in the course of an ordinary conversation.
CUT THE ‘AND’. MAKE THIS A NEW SENTENCE AND CUT EVERYTHING AFTER ‘BLUSH’. IT SAYS THE SAME THING IN HALF THE WORDS.
But the one time she slipped and told Roy she didn’t give a shit what her hair looked like, her dad cleared his throat and winced with a look of disappointment that verged on disgust.
WINCING, DISAPPOINTMENT AND DISGUST ARE THREE DISTINCT EXPRESSIONS. CHOOSE ONE.
So Lauren learned to play along with the “treat her like a lady” game and minded her language around her dad’s friends.
LEARNED TO’ ARE EXTRA WORDS. KEEP THE REST, IT’S GOOD CHARACTERIZATION. AT THIS POINT I’M HOPING WE’RE ABOUT TO MOVE ONTO THE STORY PROPER.
For weeks the wind was a merciless whip, blurring Lauren’s vision and turning her shivering into a painful bodily clench.
THIS CONFUSES ME. WE’VE JUST HAD LAUREN WALKING ACROSS THE CONSTRUCTION SITE, THEN CONSIDERING HOW SHE NEEDS TO RELATE TO THE MEN THERE. THIS SEEMS TO COME OUT OF NOWHERE. THE OPENING ‘FOR WEEKS THE WIND…’ SEEMS LIKE BACKSTORY OR SCENE SETTING, BUT THE REST FEELS LIKE YOU’RE PAINTING A CURRENT PICTURE. EXCEPT I DIDN’T KNOW LAUREN WAS SHIVERING TO START WITH, LET ALONE IN THE GRIPS OF A FULL BODY CLENCH.
The Webbs normally ate lunch in the cab of the truck with the engine running and the heater blowing. Lauren slid over on the seat, and the men squeezed in on either side. She could relax, safe and sandwiched between two giants, eating tacos and listening to classic rock on KCRT.
OKAY, SO I THINK LAURENS’ WALKING ACROSS A CONSTRUCTION SITE IN COLD WEATHER. EXCEPT NOTHING YOU WROTE PREVIOUSLY INDICATED THAT, SO I’M HAVING TO READJUST THE PICTURE IN MY HEAD OF MEN IN T-SHIRTS AND TANKTOPS ON A DUSTY, WARM DAY.
CONSTRUCTION SITES ARE NATURALLY ASSOCIATED WITH WARM WEATHER, SO YOUR FIRST SENTENCE OR TWO NEEDS TO INDICATE THAT THIS IS DIFFERENT – LAUREN COULD HAVE THE CAR HEATER BLOWING IN HER FACE AS SHE DRIVES IN, OR COULD NOTE THAT HER DAD ISNT’ WEARING THE SCARF SHE MADE HIM, OR WHATEVER. SOMETHIG NEEDS TO TELL THE READER RIGHT OFF THE BAT THAT THE WEATHER IS COLD SO THE REST OF THIS MAKES SENSE.
But on this bright Friday, with no wind to blow away the warmth of the sun, Lauren couldn’t resist setting the tacos and drinks out on the back of the truck for a tailgate picnic.
WAIT, I THOUGHT SHE WAS SHIVERING AND EATING HER LUNCH IN A HEATED CAR CAB? THERE'S A FLOW PROBLEM HERE THAT'S CONFUSING. MAKE THE SEASON AND STATE OF WEATHER TODAY CLEAR AS LAUREN ARRIVES AND CUT THIS PART OUT. USE THE WORDS TO MOVE THE STORY FORWARD.
Big Jim came over
POV BLIP? WE’RE BEHIND LAUREN’S EYES. DOES SHE CALL HER FATHER ‘BIG JIM’ IN HER HEAD?
and took off his hard hat, leaving a dust-free stripe on his forehead where the white skin stood out from the rest of his perpetually sunburned face. His gray eyebrows drooped low, but he raised them to smile at her and the sun lit on the blue eyes hiding in all the gray and brown.
NICE! HE’S VERY CLEAR TO ME. THERE ARE A FEW EXTRA WORDS IN THERE, BUT ALL IN ALL, NICELY DONE.
She smiled back and handed him a taco, then reached into the carton to pull one out for herself.
She was working to open a packet of hot sauce without squirting it on herself, and she didn’t notice the man who walked out of the construction trailer and crossed the parking lot. She only looked up when Big Jim called out to him.
“Hey there, Clay, you got a minute? I want you to meet my daughter, Lauren.”
THE WRITING IS FLOWING BETTER HERE. WE’RE CLEAR ON THE WHO, WHERE AND SOME OF THE WHAT… BUT THERE’S NO SENSE OF TROUBLE. IS THIS A ROMANCE? IS CLAY IMPORTANT IN THE UPCOMING STORY?
I’D SUGGEST TIGHTENING THIS SIGNFICANTLY AND USING THE EXTRA WORDS TO GET US JUST A LITTLE FURTHER IN THE STORY SO WE KNOW IF / WHY CLAY IS IMPORTANT.
NOTE: IF CLAY ISN’T IMPORTANT, THEN MOVE YOUR START UP TO THE POINT WHERE SOMETHING IS ABOUT TO CHANGE, OR SOMETHING IMPORTANT IS ABOUT TO HAPPEN THAT SPELLS TROUBLE FOR LAUREN.
READER NOTE: I’m on the fence about this one. I like the characterizations you’ve given about Lauren, so I want to see what’s about to happen (is this a romance?). But the truth is, if I was looking for something that just compelled me to read from the first page on, this wouldn’t do it.
WRITER NOTE: You’re burying some good writing under too many words. Simple is best, especially in the first pages where your primary goal is to hook, hook, hook your reader.
As currently written there’s no trouble – and no trouble means no hook. No hook means few readers with the patience to keep reading.
If Clay is important to the story (either as a love interest, or as an antagonist), then you’ve got your story start right. You just need to cut the fat and get the reader intrigued (which could be as simple as having Lauren anticipate the wanted / unwanted introduction, or give her a sudden unease that her Dad’s about to put her in an awkward position… or something like that).
If Clay isn’t important, you’ve got to find the point in the story where change or a problem is about to be introduced – or has just been introduced.
I’ll give you a little piece of advice from my own experience: Don’t knee-jerk and scrap the whole thing. You’ve got good characterization here, good description of the Dad and good worldbuilding in describing the environment that Lauren lives and functions in… you just need to cut out the extra words and introduce trouble.
There is one spot in the middle there where you aren’t writing in stimulus-to-response flow. Streamline the point between Lauren connecting with her Dad and his description. Other than that, just move us a little closer to Clay and give us a hint of what kind of trouble he’s going to be if you can.
Authors critiqued in this series will be offered the chance to send revised material for critique in a follow-up series.
Reader comments and impressions are welcome, but please ensure you're offering constructive (i.e. practical, useful) advice. Troll comments will be deleted.
Reconstruction
By Amber Slattery
Lauren drove through the gate at the job site, following red-lettered warning signs to the visitor’s parking lot beside the construction trailer.RUN ON SENTENCE. TRY “Lauren FOLLOWED red-lettered warning signs to the visitor’s parking lot. SHE PULLED UP beside the construction trailer.” OR SIMILAR.
She knew her dad saw her when he smiled across the flat stretch of mud and concrete.
PHRASES LIKE ‘SHE KNEW’, ‘SHE FELT’, ‘SHE HEARD’ ARE TELLING AND SEPARATE THE READER FROM THE ACTION. SHOWING WOULD BE ALONG THE LINES OF ‘HER DAD LOOKED UP AT THE SOUND OF HER CAR. HE SMILED WHEN HE CAUGHT HER EYE."
He stuck his arm out the window and flexed his bicep, then turned his fist out and flexed again. For Big Jim Webb that gesture was like saying aloha. He did it coming and going.
I’M SURE THIS IS MEANT TO BE CHARACTERIZATION, BUT INSTEAD IT’S JUST COMPLICATED AND HARD TO IMAGINE, SO PULLS THE READER OUT OF THE STORY AT A TIME WHEN THAT’S THE KISS OF DEATH. IF THIS GESTURE ISN’T IMPORTANT TO THE PLOT, I’D SUGGEST YOU JUST HAVE HIM WAVE. IF IT IS, FIND A SIMPLER GESTURE THE READER WILL BE FAMILIAR WITH AND EASILY ENVISION.
When he finished lifting the boom, he signaled to her brother, Junior, that they were breaking for lunch and then he shut down the crane.
YOU’VE GOT A LOT GOING ON IN THAT SENTENCE. CUT IT INTO PIECES SO IT’S MORE STIMULUS AND RESPONSE – HE’S SEEN HER, SO HE FINISHES WHAT HE’S DOING. THEN HE GETS THE BROTHER’S ATTENTION. THEN HE / THEY APPROACH.
The crew walked to the parking lot. Some left to go eat and the rest went to their cars and ate out of their lunchboxes.
TOO DETAILED. A CONSTRUCTION SITE IS FAIRLY EASY TO IMAGINE. JUST LET THE READER KNOW THE MEN ARE HEADED AWAY FOR LUNCH, WE’LL FILL IN THE REST.
When they saw Lauren, her dad’s friends nodded in her direction.
CUT ‘WHEN THEY SAW LAUREN’. THEY ARE EXTRA WORDS THAT ARE IMPLIED BY WHAT FOLLOWS.
Everyone knew she was Big Jim’s daughter, and they cleaned up their language for her, doing their best to be respectful.
CHOOSE 'CLEANED UP LANGUAGE' OR 'BEST TO BE RESPECTFUL'. BOTH INDICATE THE SAME THING AND TOGETHER THEY EFFECTIVELY REPEAT EACH OTHER. USE THE WORDS TO MOVE THE STORY MORE.
NOTE: WE’RE OVER 150 WORDS IN, AND ALL THAT HAS HAPPENED IS LAUREN ARRIVING AT THE SITE. THAT’S NOT A HUGE PROBLEM, BUT IF YOU WANT TO HOOK READERS IN THAT FIRST HALF-PAGE THEY READ WHEN THEY PICK UP THE BOOK IN A STORE, THIS PROBABLY ISN’T GOING TO DO IT.
Lauren had learned the art of profanity at her father’s knee,
EXCELLENT CHARACTERIZATION, KEEP IT.
and she knew she could make them all blush in the course of an ordinary conversation.
CUT THE ‘AND’. MAKE THIS A NEW SENTENCE AND CUT EVERYTHING AFTER ‘BLUSH’. IT SAYS THE SAME THING IN HALF THE WORDS.
But the one time she slipped and told Roy she didn’t give a shit what her hair looked like, her dad cleared his throat and winced with a look of disappointment that verged on disgust.
WINCING, DISAPPOINTMENT AND DISGUST ARE THREE DISTINCT EXPRESSIONS. CHOOSE ONE.
So Lauren learned to play along with the “treat her like a lady” game and minded her language around her dad’s friends.
LEARNED TO’ ARE EXTRA WORDS. KEEP THE REST, IT’S GOOD CHARACTERIZATION. AT THIS POINT I’M HOPING WE’RE ABOUT TO MOVE ONTO THE STORY PROPER.
For weeks the wind was a merciless whip, blurring Lauren’s vision and turning her shivering into a painful bodily clench.
THIS CONFUSES ME. WE’VE JUST HAD LAUREN WALKING ACROSS THE CONSTRUCTION SITE, THEN CONSIDERING HOW SHE NEEDS TO RELATE TO THE MEN THERE. THIS SEEMS TO COME OUT OF NOWHERE. THE OPENING ‘FOR WEEKS THE WIND…’ SEEMS LIKE BACKSTORY OR SCENE SETTING, BUT THE REST FEELS LIKE YOU’RE PAINTING A CURRENT PICTURE. EXCEPT I DIDN’T KNOW LAUREN WAS SHIVERING TO START WITH, LET ALONE IN THE GRIPS OF A FULL BODY CLENCH.
The Webbs normally ate lunch in the cab of the truck with the engine running and the heater blowing. Lauren slid over on the seat, and the men squeezed in on either side. She could relax, safe and sandwiched between two giants, eating tacos and listening to classic rock on KCRT.
OKAY, SO I THINK LAURENS’ WALKING ACROSS A CONSTRUCTION SITE IN COLD WEATHER. EXCEPT NOTHING YOU WROTE PREVIOUSLY INDICATED THAT, SO I’M HAVING TO READJUST THE PICTURE IN MY HEAD OF MEN IN T-SHIRTS AND TANKTOPS ON A DUSTY, WARM DAY.
CONSTRUCTION SITES ARE NATURALLY ASSOCIATED WITH WARM WEATHER, SO YOUR FIRST SENTENCE OR TWO NEEDS TO INDICATE THAT THIS IS DIFFERENT – LAUREN COULD HAVE THE CAR HEATER BLOWING IN HER FACE AS SHE DRIVES IN, OR COULD NOTE THAT HER DAD ISNT’ WEARING THE SCARF SHE MADE HIM, OR WHATEVER. SOMETHIG NEEDS TO TELL THE READER RIGHT OFF THE BAT THAT THE WEATHER IS COLD SO THE REST OF THIS MAKES SENSE.
But on this bright Friday, with no wind to blow away the warmth of the sun, Lauren couldn’t resist setting the tacos and drinks out on the back of the truck for a tailgate picnic.
WAIT, I THOUGHT SHE WAS SHIVERING AND EATING HER LUNCH IN A HEATED CAR CAB? THERE'S A FLOW PROBLEM HERE THAT'S CONFUSING. MAKE THE SEASON AND STATE OF WEATHER TODAY CLEAR AS LAUREN ARRIVES AND CUT THIS PART OUT. USE THE WORDS TO MOVE THE STORY FORWARD.
Big Jim came over
POV BLIP? WE’RE BEHIND LAUREN’S EYES. DOES SHE CALL HER FATHER ‘BIG JIM’ IN HER HEAD?
and took off his hard hat, leaving a dust-free stripe on his forehead where the white skin stood out from the rest of his perpetually sunburned face. His gray eyebrows drooped low, but he raised them to smile at her and the sun lit on the blue eyes hiding in all the gray and brown.
NICE! HE’S VERY CLEAR TO ME. THERE ARE A FEW EXTRA WORDS IN THERE, BUT ALL IN ALL, NICELY DONE.
She smiled back and handed him a taco, then reached into the carton to pull one out for herself.
She was working to open a packet of hot sauce without squirting it on herself, and she didn’t notice the man who walked out of the construction trailer and crossed the parking lot. She only looked up when Big Jim called out to him.
“Hey there, Clay, you got a minute? I want you to meet my daughter, Lauren.”
THE WRITING IS FLOWING BETTER HERE. WE’RE CLEAR ON THE WHO, WHERE AND SOME OF THE WHAT… BUT THERE’S NO SENSE OF TROUBLE. IS THIS A ROMANCE? IS CLAY IMPORTANT IN THE UPCOMING STORY?
I’D SUGGEST TIGHTENING THIS SIGNFICANTLY AND USING THE EXTRA WORDS TO GET US JUST A LITTLE FURTHER IN THE STORY SO WE KNOW IF / WHY CLAY IS IMPORTANT.
NOTE: IF CLAY ISN’T IMPORTANT, THEN MOVE YOUR START UP TO THE POINT WHERE SOMETHING IS ABOUT TO CHANGE, OR SOMETHING IMPORTANT IS ABOUT TO HAPPEN THAT SPELLS TROUBLE FOR LAUREN.
SUMMARY CRITIQUE
READER NOTE: I’m on the fence about this one. I like the characterizations you’ve given about Lauren, so I want to see what’s about to happen (is this a romance?). But the truth is, if I was looking for something that just compelled me to read from the first page on, this wouldn’t do it.
WRITER NOTE: You’re burying some good writing under too many words. Simple is best, especially in the first pages where your primary goal is to hook, hook, hook your reader.
As currently written there’s no trouble – and no trouble means no hook. No hook means few readers with the patience to keep reading.
If Clay is important to the story (either as a love interest, or as an antagonist), then you’ve got your story start right. You just need to cut the fat and get the reader intrigued (which could be as simple as having Lauren anticipate the wanted / unwanted introduction, or give her a sudden unease that her Dad’s about to put her in an awkward position… or something like that).
If Clay isn’t important, you’ve got to find the point in the story where change or a problem is about to be introduced – or has just been introduced.
I’ll give you a little piece of advice from my own experience: Don’t knee-jerk and scrap the whole thing. You’ve got good characterization here, good description of the Dad and good worldbuilding in describing the environment that Lauren lives and functions in… you just need to cut out the extra words and introduce trouble.
There is one spot in the middle there where you aren’t writing in stimulus-to-response flow. Streamline the point between Lauren connecting with her Dad and his description. Other than that, just move us a little closer to Clay and give us a hint of what kind of trouble he’s going to be if you can.
Your Turn: Do you have any constructive advice or observations for Amber?