Monday, March 28, 2011

FIRST 500 CRITIQUE #1 - "Sendek"

This is the first in a series of critiques of first 500 words from complete novels.  Each submission has been made voluntarily by the author.  Reader comments and impressions are welcome, but please ensure you're offering constructive (i.e. practical, useful) advice.  Troll comments will be deleted.


SENDEK
By Charity Bradford

While other girls dreamed of ponies and boys, I dreamed of fire and pain. By the time I turned seven, I realized the dreams foretold my future. I understood they were a gift, a chance to save myself if I could find the way. Those dreams shaped my life, and it’s up to me to stay alive.

THIS FEELS MORE LIKE A PROLOGUE THAN A BOOK OPENING TO ME. TECHNICALLY IT’S BACKSTORY. IF I WERE YOU I’D CUT IT. THE THINGS IT IMPLIES ARE ALSO COVERED LATER, BUT WITH A MUCH BETTER INTEGRATION TO THE STORYTELLING.



The last of Sendek’s three moons had set, but I didn’t need their light. My legs knew the way and moved me instinctively up the tree-covered hill. The moss, soft and cool under my bare feet, carried the promise of relief. With only moments left before the double suns crested the horizon, I ran faster and reached the clearing at the top. My muscles twitched as I stared at the light of Gneledar below me. The small city already glowed with activity, and as I watched the skylanes filled with transports.

THIS IS WHERE YOUR BOOK SHOULD START. WE’VE IMMEDIATELY GOT THE WHEN (NIGHT-TIME, PROBABLY IN THE FUTURE), AND WHERE (ON A HILL, ON A PLANET THAT ISN’T EARTH).



Am I alone? I asked the trees around me.

YES. Their deep calm filled me and I knew they would warn me if anyone approached.

GOOD HOOK! SHE CAN TALK TO TREES? THIS I’VE GOT TO SEE…



The first sun rose beyond the village and sunbeams bounced off the metal and glass of the city in a glaring shower of radiance. Tendrils of light pushed their way into the shadowy places at the base of the buildings chasing away the darkness. As the second sun climbed into view, I called the light to me.

My lungs expanded as I inhaled the energy of the suns. Synapses fired and blood pumped the pure life through my veins. The soreness dissipated, cells recovered and my soul filled with the power of the suns. Deep within I felt myself expand until my spirit pushed at the skin, reaching for freedom.I exhaled. The extra energy flowed from my body and into the surrounding wildlife. The collective sigh of every plant, animal and bird in the area filled me with joy.

The glow of energy faded into the normal light of day, revealing the Witch’s Grove. There were no witches. Just me. The area remained a lush green year round because of the energy I siphoned off from the sunsrise. I sighed as the breeze played with my hair. This would be my last drinking of the suns for a long time. What would happen to my little grove?

I LIKE THIS, BUT I THINK IT’S A TAD TOO LONG. YOUR DESCRIPTION IS VIVID (A FEW EXTRA WORDS, BUT NOTHING SERIOUS) BUT IT FEELS A LITTLE OVER-WRITTEN TO ME.

AT THE BEGINNING OF A BOOK THE READER IS MOST INTRIGUED BY TROUBLE. THERE’S THE BAREST HINT OF IT AT THE END OF THIS LAST PARAGRAPH, BUT I’D PREFER TO CUT BACK ON THE DESCRIPTION BY A SENTENCE OR TWO AND GIVE THOSE WORDS TO MAKING THE SENSE OF CHANGE / TROUBLE STRONGER.



WE RETURN TO THE SEASONS. The collective voice of the trees vibrated through my mind.

I’m sorry. I turned to the path home. Each step slower than the last. Small animals and birds drew near, touched my feet or shoulders and skittered away again. They knew this was goodbye.

FOR ME THE TONE / EMOTION BEHIND ALL THIS CHANGED TOO QUICKLY. A MINUTE AGO SHE WAS JOYOUS AND ON A HIGH – NOW SUDDENLY VERY LOW. IT CAN BE DONE, BUT YOU NEED TO PREPARE THE READER. LET THEM FEEL THE EMOTIONAL FALL. PUT US INSIDE THE CHARACTER’S HEAD AS SHE RIDES THE WAVE OF EMOTION DOWN WHEN SHE FINISHES ‘DRINKING THE SUN’ SO WE KNOW WE’RE TRANSITIONING TO SADNESS / FEAR.



YOU’LL BE BACK.

Not this time. Remember, I’m going to Joharadin. The fear rose and I swallowed it down before it could take hold.

DREAMS CAN CHANGE.

This one never does. I’ll die there.

THERE IT IS! THAT’S YOUR TROUBLE. AND IT’S GOOD – LIFETHREATENING IS ALWAYS THE BEST KIND OF PROBLEM. IN MY OPINION YOU COULD HAVE INTRODUCED THAT EARLIER – SEE SUMMARY NOTES AT THE BOTTOM.



STAY, WE WILL PROTECT YOU.

I rested my palm against the bark of a large tree. The energy pulsed from its core, warming my hand. Love coursed through me with each heartbeat.

They’ll come anyway. I’ll try to protect all of us.

NICE! I’M STARTING TO CARE ABOUT THIS CHARACTER / WHAT WILL HAPPEN. WELL DONE!


SUMMARY CRITIQUE

READER NOTES: If I picked this book up in a store I’d probably give it one or two more pages to see if it intrigued me enough to keep reading. That means you’re on the right track for readers like me, but not quite there yet. If I had something else in my hands I was really interested in, this would lose the battle.

I love the imagery here and the emotional nature of your writing – that will take you far, in my opinion. But as a reader, you haven’t made a convert of me - YET.

WRITER NOTES: There’s no doubt you can write and you do a fabulous job of dropping the reader into the emotion of the moment right from the start. Well done! The lack, as I see it, is a need for that emotion to draw the reader through this little scene more smoothly. I think you know you’re good at writing description and enjoy writing it. The problem is, it's a little wordy and dominates just a little too much for my liking. This early in the book, it’s the emotion and the trouble that will hook the reader. Later, when they are firmly ensconced in your world, they’ll be more interested in going on the journey with you, so to speak.

Three things this needs, in my opinion:

1. Cut the first paragraph and use a gender reference in the second paragraph (that will become the first) to place the reader inside the girl’s head.

2. Reference the trouble that spurs the girl towards the grove in the first place. Right now she is running, but we don’t know why. Give us the motivation first (“This is my last chance because…! I have to make it before the suns are up.” – except much prettier and in your voice), then the running.

3. You’ve nailed emotion in the writing, but after reading the entire passage, what the very beginning needs is that sense of the bittersweet. i.e. This is a lovely, joyous experience, but it’s the last time she will ever have it. So, we’re forewarned that when this is done, we’re going to hit a low. Then, as noted in the text, signal the slide down from hype / joy to grief and fear. If you can pull that off, readers of this genre will have a hard time putting it down in my opinion.

All in all, I’m intrigued, but not addicted. If you decide to revise, feel free to resend it. I’d like to see what comes of our little protag here.

YOUR TURN:  Do you have any advice or observations for Charity?

12 comments:

  1. Aimee, I wanted to say thank you again for your critique. This beginning has been driving me crazy and I'm excited to hear what people think so I can make it better.

    Thanks in advance to everyone!

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  2. Very intriguing premise. I agree the first paragraph doesn't belong. The second has a much better hook. I'd love to read more about the world. You did grab the attention of the reader and dowager the end provide good characterization. The description if the setting is vivid.

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  3. Since I lived in Charity's world for two months as a beta, I am waaay too close to Sendak to give a proper crit :)

    The only advice I can give is from an excellent editing book:
    Cut every adverb/adjective from the first three pages. Add back one per page. See what that does to your MS.

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  4. Charity - this is really good! The scene setting is great and I love the world descriptions. I do agree that it would be nice to have more of a sense of urgency throughout - something that pushes us to each new paragraph.

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  5. Thanks J.L. and Sierra! I'll cut that first paragraph and work on the urgency.

    Huntress, you are going to think I'm completely stupid. I just connected you and CDC. LOL, my two favorite people turned out to be the same person! Go look at my head desk pictures again. How did I miss that? And, thanks for the modifier reminder. Heading to look at that right now.

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  6. Very good start, Charity. I am interested to see why she thinks she will die there. That's the hook, IMHO. I hope there's more coming soon about the threat of death. Great critique, Aimee, I totally agree with everything you said.

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  7. Lovely critique... and now I want to read teh whole book!!

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  8. Thank You Erin! You just made my day. :) I hope you get a chance to read it someday.

    Victorine, there is definitely more to come on why she thinks she'll die there. Previously I had a huge info dump, so I'm trying to learn how to slowly weave the info in without losing the forward momentum. It's so hard! In RL I'm the kind of person that will tell you everything about myself the first time I meet you. I'm trying to learn not to do that as well. LOL

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  9. Aimee seemss to have hit the nail on the head! This actually sounds pretty damned interesting to me as a reader- but at the very start of a book too much description always gets to me. I hate having to wait to find out what's happening.

    Even top selling authors are guilty of it. In the prologue to Dan Brown's latest I literally skipped three pages because he was describing the room. I stopped when I caught some verbs and started reading. Later I went back when I had more patience- I didn't miss anything.

    The author never returned to that room and as beautiful as the prose was we readers are impatient. "Whats happening? Where? To who? Why? Why does it matter? Is something else going to happen?"

    On the whole, however, this is a pretty slick start to a novel. Now I wanna go read Dune....

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  10. LOL, palehorsenovel, I'm laughing at the Dune reference. Does it have a lot of description? Thank you for your comments. It's so helpful to see what readers are thinking and that I'm getting closer. My original opening was a total snoozer, trust me on that. :)

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  11. Aimee did a great job. Agree that the description needs to be cut back. I bet you can weave some of it in later, maybe as she departs or as comparison statements to new world. But great start and beautiful wordcraft.

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