Don't Compare and Don't Compete

"To compare yourself with others is toxic, unhealthy and damaging to your self-esteem and self image. Constantly trying to compete with others will drain so much energy out of you. The best thing you could do for yourself is to realize that:

“True nobility it is not about being better than anyone else. It is about being better than you used to be. “

-- Wayne Dyer"

[Entire quote from this blog post.]

As soon as I read this I thought of the writing community.

Jealousy among writers is rife. We have a habit, don't you think, of being very supportive - but also of being very judgemental (both on ourselves and others).

I get it. I do it. I'm guilty of looking at another writer's blog comments, agent requests, book deal(s), fan mail, money in the bank... the list of things I have envied in someone else's life is endless. But I work hard not to dwell in that place. I agree with the above quote. It's unhealthy.

But something else occurred to me today that I wanted to share with you.

If I was going to have their blog / agent / editor / bank account, I would also have to have written their book.

And if was doing that, who would write mine?

Remember this quote from Neil Gaiman?

"Start telling the stories that only you can tell, because there’ll always be better writers than you and there’ll always be smarter writers than you. There will always be people who are much better at doing this or doing that - but you are the only you.

Take Tarantino. You can criticize everything that Quentin does - but nobody writes Tarantino stuff like Tarantino. He is the best Tarantino writer there is, and that was actually the thing that people responded to - they’re going ‘this is an individual writing with his own point of view’.

There are better writers than me out there, there are smarter writers, there are people who can plot better - there are all those kinds of things, but there’s nobody who can write a Neil Gaiman story like I can."

-Neil Gaiman

So, yeah, I'm leaning a lot on quotes from other people today, but that's because I think they're true.

You are the only you. Being jealous of someone else will hurt you. But, in a little way, it would hurt me too - because who would write your stories if you weren't doing it?

Your Turn: Let's dream big! Forget about the person whose life you wish you had - tell us what you want YOUR life to look like. Tell us your dreams. Then we can watch them come true!

Draft Query #5 - Can You Help This Author?

Here's the fifth in a series of posts wherein we're helping authors hone their query letters.

The goal is to help writers find the 'hook' in their story - NOT to give categorical advice on what agents will and won't accept. 

With that in mind, here's the draft query as written. Following that, I'll offer some comments, then leave it open to you guys to offer yours!

Dear [Agent]:

Seventeen-year-old Emma Harris is tired of being haunted, but the ghost-girl following her is just getting started. Instead of sticking with the typical ghost repertoire, she hurls Emma and fellow classmate, Daniel Wyatt, back to 19th Century America where the stalker spirit is a flesh and blood girl: Lucinda Sutton. The same Lucinda Sutton who disappeared on her wedding night, according to town legend.

Of all the people to be stuck with in the past, Daniel Wyatt was not high on Emma’s list. She’d prefer to avoid him, aware of his dodgy reputation and temper, but stranded in a foreign world of petticoats and pantalettes, he’s the only anchor to her time, a place she’d do anything to get back to.

After doing some digging into Lucinda’s life, Emma and Daniel uncover shocking secrets that lead them to believe the key to getting home lies in helping Lucinda and her lover marry. But there’s a catch: Lucinda is engaged to another man. The very man who may have made her “disappear.”

Unless Emma can defeat Lucinda's treacherous suitor and cope with her growing feelings for Daniel, she may be stuck in the past forever.

Complete at 69,000 words, [Novel Title Redacted] is a young-adult novel with a ghostly historical twist.

Sincerely,

[Author name redacted]

My Comments (in italics)

Dear [Agent]:

Seventeen-year-old Emma Harris is tired of being haunted, but the ghost-girl following her is just getting started. Instead of sticking with the typical ghost repertoire, she hurls Emma and fellow classmate, Daniel Wyatt, back to 19th Century America where the stalker spirit is a flesh and blood girl: Lucinda Sutton. The same Lucinda Sutton who disappeared on her wedding night, according to town legend.

While I understand what you're going for, the words "Instead of sticking with the typical ghost repertoire" just slow the pace in my opinion. You've got a good thing going here, keep it quick!

I also had to re-read "stalker spirit" to grasp that it was the ghost you were referring to. I like the term, but I'm wondering if you want to simplify so you don't break the read?


Of all the people to be stuck with in the past, Daniel Wyatt was not high on Emma’s list. She’d prefer to avoid him, aware of his dodgy reputation and temper, but stranded in a foreign world of petticoats and pantalettes, he’s the only anchor to her time, a place she’d do anything to get back to.

The second sentence seemed a little clunky to me - but the intent behind it is great. It gives a very clear picture of the character / relationship development we can expect between these two. So I'd maybe work on it a little, but not to the detriment of the overall picture.



After doing some digging into Lucinda’s life, Emma and Daniel uncover shocking secrets that lead them to believe the key to getting home lies in helping Lucinda and her lover marry. But there’s a catch: Lucinda is engaged to another man. The very man who may have made her “disappear.”

I think unless you're going to identify at least one of the 'shocking' secrets, there's not a lot of point mentioning them. I was hooked anyway without knowing. I had feedback from a leading agent on one of my queries once, asking me to be specific about 'secrets' or leave them out. She noted that this is a term that often comes up in queries - and is often over-rated by the author. She asked me to be specific about the secrets so she could decide if they were, indeed, shocking or not.


That's only one agent, so not necessarily a ubiquitous piece of advice. But worth considering.


Unless Emma can defeat Lucinda's treacherous suitor and cope with her growing feelings for Daniel, she may be stuck in the past forever.

Excellent! I know exactly what's at stake and it makes me want to find out what will happen!


Complete at 69,000 words, [Novel Title Redacted] is a young-adult novel with a ghostly historical twist.

Sincerely,

[Author name redacted]

Perfect. In my humble opinion.



OVERVIEW:

I didn't do this intentionally, but I think we've saved the best for last. Although I've given you a lot of notes, overall I'd say this is the smoothest, most concise query we've used in this series. So kudos to you!

In fact, I'm not sure I can really expand on the comments above. I feel like you already have world-building, character, conflict and stakes in place. If you want to improve on what you've got, it's just a matter of playing with the words a little.

Don't, whatever you do, make sweeping changes here! I suspect this query is / would be effective as-is. But I've noted the points above where I felt the delivery could be improved.

I envy your ability to keep your query (and your manuscript!) so tight.

That's it. Well done.


Your Turn: What do you think this author could do to make the query stronger? Give any feedback you think might be helpful – but please keep in mind that we’re here to help. Offer constructive feedback: If you don’t like something, explain why. And if you think something else is needed, offer suggestions that might help.

Any needlessly derogative or personal comments will be deleted. 

The Self-Published Book that Changed My Opinion on Self-Publishing

Remember a year or so ago when I said I didn't think the self-publishing model worked? Well, this weekend I got proved wrong - at least in part - by Ms. Rebecca Donovan and her riveting novel Reason to Breathe.

What happened?

I was in my Kindle store - I don't even remember why. Looking for another book, maybe? And somehow I stumbled on a very simple, black cover that featured what looked like the shape of  a door with light seeping from behind it. It was called Barely Breathing. I read the blurb and a couple of reviews, then realized it was the sequel to another book.

The original, Reason to Breathe, also featured a cover which I found intriguing because, despite it's simplicity, I felt it (see photo). After reading a couple of reviews - both good, and bad - I decided to try the reading sample.

I got hooked right away. So hooked, in fact, that I bought both books.

Now, here's where my reading experience differed to the usual:

Because I'd read reviews on both books, I was forewarned that the book needed editing. But almost to a man, the commenters who noted this point also noted that they didn't care. That they kept reading because they had to see what happened to these characters.

It went against every fiber of my internal editor to believe them... but the proof, as they say, was in the inability to put the book down AT ALL.

Ever since I started studying the craft of writing, I've become a very picky reader. But Reason to Breathe taught me that there comes a point where nothing else matters. If a reader resonates with your characters and is driven by your plot, they won't care about extra words, purple prose, or lengthy descriptions of rooms.

Well, this reader won't anyway.

So... what does this mean?

For me it means a recalibration of my opinions on self-publishing. Don't get me wrong, I'd have preferred to read this book when it had been thoroughly edited... but not enough to put it down and wait for that to happen. I was compelled to read. So that means, editing is a tool, but in a small portion of the book population, an optional one.

It also means that, while I'll never stop encouraging writers (including myself) to get critiqued and get edited, I'll also stop rolling my eyes every time I read a review that gushes about an unedited book. Kindle Samples are my friends. I can read the first few chapters and find out whether this book pulls me in or not.

The truth is, there are plenty of traditionally published books out there that don't hold my interest past the first few pages. Reason to Breathe didn't just hold my interest. It grabbed my by the lapels and got in my face and screamed READ ME NOW!

So, thank you, Ms. Rebecca Donovan. Whoever you are. I'm not surprised that the sequel has sold 5,000 copies in it's first week. I'm also not surprised that the level of writing in it is better. But I am convinced that I would have flipped right to it after reading the first book anyway. Reason to Breathe was that good for me.**

(NOTE: I wrote this blog a week ago and scheduled it for posting today. I've since found out that right about the time I wrote it, the author got an agent. GO REBECCA! WELL DESERVED!)
Your Turn: Have you read a self-published book that genuinely took your breath away? What was the title? Why did it grab you? I'm open to suggestions for other great reads.

** I'm not suggesting Reason to Breathe will be as compelling for everyone as it was for me. But we write to our own audience, right? And I'm smack-bang in the middle of the demographic for this one, apparently.

Draft Query #4 - Can You Help This Author?

This is the fourth in a series of posts where we're helping authors hone their query letters.

The goal here is to help writers find the 'hook' in their story - NOT to give categorical advice on what agents will and won't accept. After all, agents are as individual as you and me.

With that in mind, here's the draft query as written. Following that, I'll offer some comments, then leave it open to you guys to offer yours!

I seek representation for THE ADAMANT, urban fantasy complete at 100 K. Please contact me if you are interested. I’d be thrilled to have you as my agent.

No one tells Shamira Kelley how to live her life. Not the parents who abandoned her. Or the ancient relic that seeks to bond with her.

People can’t talk to animals. Or kill with a thought. But Shamira can and wonders why she bears this curse. After a chance meeting with Faelan, a man of few words, Shamira learns why. Possession. Her pendant, a leftover from a millenniums-old tragedy, wants revenge for its death and fancies using Shamira to achieve this goal by ridding Earth of the infestation known as Mankind. But its newest acolyte isn’t toeing the line.

Shamira wants nothing to do with power and glory. But she must accept the role of savior and learn to control the relic or it is the End Times for humans. Danger comes from the ones who would steal the relic. And from Faelan who believes Shamira’s death would destroy the pendant.

The position of Heroine is open. And no one loathes the job more than Shamira.
THE ADAMANT is a stand-alone manuscript but shows promise as a series. Per submission guidelines, I am including the synopsis and first chapter.

My Comments (In italics)

I seek representation for THE ADAMANT, urban fantasy complete at 100 K. Please contact me if you are interested. I’d be thrilled to have you as my agent.

I think the second sentence here is just extra words. After all, you wouldn't be querying if you weren't interested in being contacted. I think you want to get the agent to your story as quickly as possible in case they're having an impatient day.


No one tells Shamira Kelley how to live her life.

A good line because it gives a really good definition of the character in just a few words.  Well done!


Not the parents who abandoned her. Or the ancient relic that seeks to bond with her.

People can’t talk to animals. Or kill with a thought. But Shamira can and wonders why she bears this curse.

These two paragraphs both seem to encompass great ideas. But they also read completely disparately to me. Like they are two different books. I know they aren't, but I'd find a way to smooth the transition.

Re the second paragraph: My first thought was "Talking to animals and killing with a thought would be COOL. Why does she think it's a curse?" I suspect there are elements to your story that would make the reader agree it's a curse, but I'd suggest either outlining the gifts with a little more detail so we see the dark side, or leave the 'curse' part out until later.


After a chance meeting with Faelan, a man of few words, Shamira learns why. Possession. Her pendant, a leftover from a millenniums-old tragedy, wants revenge for its death and fancies using Shamira to achieve this goal by ridding Earth of the infestation known as Mankind. But its newest acolyte isn’t toeing the line.

And now it feels like we're back in the first-paragraph story. I lost track of the talking animals / killing thoughts and got a little turned around and had to re-read.


Shamira wants nothing to do with power and glory. But she must accept the role of savior and learn to control the relic or it is the End Times for humans. Danger comes from the ones who would steal the relic. And from Faelan who believes Shamira’s death would destroy the pendant.

Of the letter, I think this is the paragraph that you've got the biggest problem with. It seems to be trying to do too much - hit every 'fantasy' plot element in one fell swoop. That said, there's some REALLY good stuff here. See comments below.


The position of Heroine is open. And no one loathes the job more than Shamira.

Nice line! A great way to flip the traditional reluctant heroine on its head, in my opinion.


THE ADAMANT is a stand-alone manuscript but shows promise as a series. Per submission guidelines, I am including the synopsis and first chapter.

I've read countless agent blogs on what to include in a query letter. Some say if it's part of a series, that's fine, but I don't care unless the first one is good. Some say they don't want to know. Some don't care whether you include it or not. To err on the side of caution, I'd just query the book without mentioning this. It feels like you're trying to put a foot in both camps which makes me wonder if you know where your story ends. (I'm sure you do, I'm trying to give you some impressions about the statement. When I read I thought, "So does the story end here, or not?")


OVERVIEW:

This is yet another story / plot / character that interests me. But I'd work on your query some. You've got A heroine who can talk to animals and kill. A relic with a mind of it's own and wanting vengeance. A man who wants to help, but also might harm. A world in need of a savior and at risk of annihlation... on and on! There's to much here, for a query I think. Try paring it down

Here are the parts that hooked me:

- World Building: A heroine with 'superpowers' and a dark power that's trying to use her against her will.

- Character Building: A strong heroine who won't back down (Win!). That's come through really strongly. Keep those two sentences at the beginning and end. They work.

- Conflict: There are two elements of conflict that I really liked: The ancient relic that's trying to use the heroine against her will, and the man who might help, but also thinks killing her will help in the long run. Danger! Great!

- What's at Stake: This is where I think you're trying to do too much. If this is epic fantasy, that's great. But you can't outline that in 300 words. Instead, try focusing on what will happen to the heroine herself if she loses the fight with the relic.

And my last piece of advice is to remember that the query letter is only intended to make an agent want to read more. That's it. You don't need to achieve greatness here, just pique their curiosity.


Your Turn: Okay, folks, what do you think? What could this author do to make the query stand out in a crowd? Give any feedback you think might be helpful – but remember the idea is to give constructive feedback. If you don’t like something, explain why. And if you think something else is needed, offer suggestions that might help. Any needlessly derogative or personal comments will be deleted.

Top 10 Reasons You Need An Editor

Yes, these examples are real. They have been taken from books available for purchase as e-books and in hard copy. No, they are not intended to mock or point the finger (hence no author names / book titles). They are just examples of how easy it is to get lost in our own stories, in our own heads, and lose sight of how our words may be perceived by others.

So, without further ado, I give you...

THE TOP TEN REASONS YOU NEED AN EDITOR

#10. Contradictions:

"...My tongue clove to the roof of my mouth, but I managed the one word, "Immortality!""


#9. Questionable Functionality:

"...He leafed through the papers with one hand, as with the other he continued to crunch toast and marmalade."


#8. Cringe-worthy Metaphors

"The Gulf Stream was rocking the boat in the cleavage of its D-cup bosomy swells."


#7. Befuddled Similes

"...No, affinity wasn't quite the right word, it felt more like they were two north poles of a bipolar magnet, each vigorously, automatically repelled by the other."


#6. ???

"We are between the wild throat of certainty and the mad zitidar of fact - we can escape neither..."


#5. Detachable Body Parts:

"...He gently removed her glasses, and his hard chest rubbed against her breasts as he leaned over to put them on the table next to his gun."


#4. Purple Prose (with a side of Number 8)

"When he was yet a million miles away the bright ring of fire that marked its portal filled the sky in front of him, flexing and twisting like the devil's anus in spasms of immortal agony..."


#3. Over-Selling

"Nothing short of a machine gun could have stopped Gog in his first outburst! He was finally subdued with tear gas."


#2. Achieving the Impossible

"He held his left hand out in front of his face; palm down and with his index finger raised six-inches above his head."


#1. Body Dysmorphic Disorder

"Like a man in wonderland, Gordon Drew watched them for a while, then he went further up the main street and finally turned into a small teashop."


Your Turn: Have you ever caught yourself phrasing in a way that communicated a completely different image to what you intended? Give us examples! Let's share the wealth of our own slips. I'll go first:

In a book where the hero / heroine used eye-contact to indicate trust and solidarity, I once wrote:

"He gave her his eyes and didn't let them drop."

*Facepalm*

DRAFT QUERY #3 - Can You Help This Author?

Here's the third in a series of posts wherein we're going to do our best to help some authors hone their query letters before submitting.

 

The goal here is to help writers find the 'hook' in their story - NOT to give categorical advice on what agents will and won't accept. After all, agents are as individual as you and me.

 

With that in mind, here's the draft query as written. Following that, I'll offer some comments, then leave it open to you guys to offer yours!

Dear Agent,

Ross Chambers is used to dodging bullets.  He's not used to being the bad guy.

Granted, good and bad is all a matter of opinion, but considering every cop in the country has been ordered to shoot on sight, he's not going to argue.  But if he did, he would point out that the real bad guys are people like Robespierre, and Torquemada, and Hitler--all of whom want him dead.

But not as much as Dr. Lorraine Field, his former boss and the director of Hourglass, an underground organization supposedly dedicated to "Protecting the Present by Preserving the Past," as its motto goes.  She wants to feed his heart to Aztec gods and strap his corpse to the hull of the Titanic.  To her, Ross is a terrorist, hell-bent on reshaping history into something unrecognizable.  His daring adventures through time pose a threat to modern society, or so she tells her agents.

Bullshit.  As far as he's concerned, helping a few blokes escape the gulags is not going to cause World War III.  At least, the chances are slim.  Almost as slim as his chance of survival, which considering his reputation as the Most Wanted Man of All Time, hovers at just a little above zero.  But, as long as he can travel through history, he might as well make himself useful.

Besides, altering the past is the only way to save the woman he loves.

At 105,000 words, [TITLE REDACTED] is a completed novel that blends action/adventure and historical fiction.  Please feel free to check out my website at [REDACTED].

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

[NAME REDACTED]


MY COMMENTS (In italics)

Dear Agent,

Ross Chambers is used to dodging bullets. He's not used to being the bad guy.

A good start, I thought.


Granted, good and bad is all a matter of opinion, but considering every cop in the country has been ordered to shoot on sight, he's not going to argue. But if he did, he would point out that the real bad guys are people like Robespierre, and Torquemada, and Hitler--all of whom want him dead.

I found this confusing because I wasn't yet clear on the time-travel element. It felt a little too much like you were trying to establish voice, rather than the hook.


But not as much as Dr. Lorraine Field, his former boss and the director of Hourglass, an underground organization supposedly dedicated to "Protecting the Present by Preserving the Past," as its motto goes. She wants to feed his heart to Aztec gods and strap his corpse to the hull of the Titanic. To her, Ross is a terrorist, hell-bent on reshaping history into something unrecognizable. His daring adventures through time pose a threat to modern society, or so she tells her agents.

This felt to me like more of where your story is. See comments below.


Bullshit. As far as he's concerned, helping a few blokes escape the gulags is not going to cause World War III. At least, the chances are slim. Almost as slim as his chance of survival, which considering his reputation as the Most Wanted Man of All Time, hovers at just a little above zero. But, as long as he can travel through history, he might as well make himself useful.

It feels like there's a little bit of overkill on the 'he's not going to make it through this' rhetoric. I believed you the first time you said it, so now I want to know WHY?

Besides, altering the past is the only way to save the woman he loves.

This came out of the blue for me because there's been no love interest mentioned before. It's always a useful hook, but I think you need to establish the relationship before throwing this into the mix. It would only take one sentence early-on to do that.

At 105,000 words, [TITLE REDACTED] is a completed novel that blends action/adventure and historical fiction. Please feel free to check out my website at [REDACTED].

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

[NAME REDACTED]

OVERVIEW:

Okay, so once again I felt like there was a good book in here, but it got buried underneath a lot of unnecessary padding. It also felt a little like the plot-nuggets were revealed backwards.

I think the things you want to focus on are:

- World building: Ross Chambers travels through time, but he's a future-day hero and he's in love.
- Set-Up: This is currently lacking from your query. Tell the agent exactly WHAT Ross does - what kind of 'adventures' does he get into and why?
- Conflict: His former boss wants him dead because she claims he's changing the fabric of history. Ross disagrees, but doesn't have the power to defend himself.
- What's at Stake: Ross's life and the life of the woman he loves. (Are there any time-travel related consquences also involved?)

Your voice is strong in the query, but seems a little forced. I think if you can communicate the who, what, where and why a little more clearly, you can trust your voice to come through on its own.

Your Turn: What do you think this author could do to make the query stronger? Give any feedback you think might be helpful to the author – but please keep in mind that we’re here to help. Offer constructive feedback – if you don’t like something, explain why. And if you think something else is needed, offer suggestions that might help. Any needlessly derogative or personal comments will be deleted.

DRAFT QUERY #1 - Can You Help This Author?

This is the first in a series of posts wherein we're going to do our best to help some authors hone their query letters before submitting.

The goal here is to help writers find the 'hook' in their story - NOT to give categorical advice on what agents will and won't accept. After all, agents are as individual as you and me.

With that in mind, here's the draft query as written. Following that, I'll offer some comments, then leave it open to you guys to offer yours!

Dear (agent name)

I am a fan of (author name), and had the pleasure of meeting him at a local author fair. When I learned you represent him I thought you might consider my YA thriller, [BOOK TITLE REDACTED] complete at 70,000 words.

A year after a serial killer nearly took her life sixteen-year-old Sloan Woodrow still has scars, both physical and emotional. Her father decides to move Sloan and her twin brother  Finch from California to Minnesota for a new start. Though she hates the snow, and the creepy old house they move into, she fosters hope of recovery for her fractured family. Things start to look up as she makes friends, and Finch becomes captain of the hockey team. But all of that changes when the twins throw a party in their father’s absence. The night of the party, a girl from their school goes missing. Strange things start to happen around the house, and Sloan can’t get the image of the girl out of her head even though they have never met. Sloan thinks the haunting may have something to do with the Ouija board they found in the house and played that fateful night. One by one the people that played the game die in mysterious and gruesome ways. Sloan and her brother are next. Sloan thinks that if she can just solve the mystery of the girl’s disappearance, the vengeful ghost can finally rest in peace. But as she digs deeper into the case, she realizes the real evil may not be the ghost haunting her after all, but the one person she has always been closest to.

I’ve been a finalist and semi-finalist in several writing contests. Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sincerely,

(Author name and info)

MY COMMENTS:

All my comments will be italicized. Please understand that I’m offering feedback based on what I know of what Agent’s say they want, etc. I am NOT an agent. My goal is to help you find the ‘hook’ in your query. Take any advice here with a grain of salt.

Dear (agent name)

I am a fan of (author name), and had the pleasure of meeting him at a local author fair. When I learned you represent him I thought you might consider my YA thriller, [TITLE REDACTED] complete at 70,000 words.

From what I gather, Agents are generally appreciative of learning the reason they got on your list – or having an indication you actually know who they are. But I think this could be improved by adding why you think they would be interested in your book. Is it similar-but-different to one of the author’s works? If so, which one? And how is it different enough to ensure the agent won’t have a conflict of interest in representing both?

A year after a serial killer nearly took her life [COMMA] sixteen-year-old Sloan Woodrow still has scars, both physical and emotional. Her father decides to move Sloan and her twin brother  Finch from California to Minnesota for a new start. Though she hates the snow, and the creepy old house they move into, she fosters hope of recovery for her fractured family. Things start to look up as she makes friends, and Finch becomes captain of the hockey team. But all of that changes when the twins throw a party in their father’s absence.

[NEW PARAGRAPH] You’ve got a big block of text here. I think it’s easier for readers to keep track when you give some ‘breathing’ space. In my opinion the above detail isn’t really necessary, but that’s a very subjective piece of advice.

The night of the party, a girl from their school goes missing. Strange things start to happen around the house, and Sloan can’t get the image of the girl out of her head even though they have never met. Sloan thinks the haunting may have something to do with the Ouija board they found in the house and played that fateful night.

The following paragraph is the part that really hooked me:

One by one the people that played the game die in mysterious and gruesome ways. Sloan and her brother are next. Sloan thinks that if she can just solve the mystery of the girl’s disappearance, the vengeful ghost can finally rest in peace. But as she digs deeper into the case, she realizes the real evil may not be the ghost haunting her after all,  

But here’s where I felt like I could guess the entire plot-twist, so that dampened my enthusiasm:

but the one person she has always been closest to.

I’ve been a finalist and semi-finalist in several writing contests.

I think unless you’re going to name the contests, it would be better to leave this out.  After all, I won writing competitions in high school. A statement like this could cover that. Get specific or delete, in my opinion.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sincerely,

(Author name and info) 

* * * OVERVIEW * * * 

Okay, so I suspect this is a book I’d actually like to read. Let me show you which parts of your letter appealed to me:

- Sloan Woodrow was almost killed by a serial killer a year ago.

- They move into an old house where Sloan finds a Ouija board.

- The twins have a party unbeknownst to their Dad, during which someone dies.

- Then, one by one, the people that played the Ouija board are murdered, until only Sloan and her brother are left.

Now, that’s what hooks me. In my opinion (and it is just MY opinion) cut all extraneous detail and leave that for the story-weaving. Just tell the agent what’s at stake (that Sloan has experience in life threatening situations, that people around her are dying, and that it gets down to where Sloan and her brother are the only survivors. Sloan HAS to figure out who’s doing this or die). Leave the rest for discovery in the book.

Oh, and as a final comment: The unknown girl disappearing and visions and hauntings are nice supernatural theories to keep the reader engaged. But the way you’ve written this query, it’s pretty clear they’re just red-herrings. My advice: either don’t make such a big deal of those aspects in the query, or leave the blurb ending open for WHO COULD BE DOING THIS? Right now, it seems pretty clear to me that Sloan’s brother is the killer (or maybe her Dad?) which dilutes tension.

Your Turn: What do you think? Do you agree with my comments / disagree? Give any feedback you can that you think might be helpful to the author – but please keep in mind that we’re here to help, not harm. The idea is to give constructive feedback – if you don’t like something, explain why. And if you think something else is needed, offer suggestions that might help. Any needlessly derogative or personal comments will be deleted.