The first draft took three months. The subsequent revisions, critiques and editing took another twelve. Now GOOD MONSTERS is almost done.
I say "almost" because these stupid, ridiculous, mind-bendingly crucial promo / query materials are doing my head in. Can you help?
Please feel free to comment or tweet me with brutally honest feedback. I need to get this right:
1. Branded a schizophrenic, seventeen-year-old Dani is about to learn her delusions are actually second sight. The guys pursuing her know she’s destined to lead the world, and the people they answer to expect her allegiance – or else. Dani must decide if she's willing to die for the truth - or live with herself if she doesn't.
2. Seventeen-year-old Dani Hayes finds out her ‘delusions’ are actually second sight, the hottest guys in school have supernatural armies behind them, and everyone expects her to lead the world to their truth and thus avert the apocalypse. Dani is forced to choose a side - when either could mean death for herself or the man she loves.
3. Dani sees things, and knows things no-one told her. She’s about to discover her ‘gifts’ are real, supernatural armies gather behind the hottest guys in her school, and both sides of the war expect her to avert the apocalypse. Dani must decide if she's willing to die for the truth - or live with herself if she doesn't.
Current Query:
Dear AGENTNAME,
Seventeen-year-old schizophrenic Sheridan “Dani” Hayes arrives at the prestigious Saint Matthews Preparatory High School with one goal: Appear normal. That is, until the two hottest guys in school start vying for her attention.
Confused by their interest and suspicious of their motives, Dani’s digging uncovers what her new friends already know: Dani's delusions are actually second sight. She’s the prophesied Seer. Her admirers stand on opposing sides of a supernatural war, sparring for her heart because they know whichever way she goes, the world will follow.
With superhuman armies gathering in the shadows and the threat of an apocalypse resting squarely on her shoulders, Dani must decide whether she'll die for the truth – or be able to live with herself if she doesn’t.
GOOD MONSTERS is a YA Urban Fantasy, complete at 75,000 words. It is the first of three books following Dani Hayes as she comes to terms with first-love and her own unique purpose – in the middle of the eternal battle between good and evil.
I have included [pages / content as per agent submission guidelines] for your consideration. May I send you the entire manuscript?
Thank you for your time,
Aimee L. Salter
CONTACT DETAILS
I say "almost" because these stupid, ridiculous, mind-bendingly crucial promo / query materials are doing my head in. Can you help?
Please feel free to comment or tweet me with brutally honest feedback. I need to get this right:
Current "Hook" options:
1. Branded a schizophrenic, seventeen-year-old Dani is about to learn her delusions are actually second sight. The guys pursuing her know she’s destined to lead the world, and the people they answer to expect her allegiance – or else. Dani must decide if she's willing to die for the truth - or live with herself if she doesn't.
2. Seventeen-year-old Dani Hayes finds out her ‘delusions’ are actually second sight, the hottest guys in school have supernatural armies behind them, and everyone expects her to lead the world to their truth and thus avert the apocalypse. Dani is forced to choose a side - when either could mean death for herself or the man she loves.
3. Dani sees things, and knows things no-one told her. She’s about to discover her ‘gifts’ are real, supernatural armies gather behind the hottest guys in her school, and both sides of the war expect her to avert the apocalypse. Dani must decide if she's willing to die for the truth - or live with herself if she doesn't.
Current Query:
Dear AGENTNAME,
Seventeen-year-old schizophrenic Sheridan “Dani” Hayes arrives at the prestigious Saint Matthews Preparatory High School with one goal: Appear normal. That is, until the two hottest guys in school start vying for her attention.
Confused by their interest and suspicious of their motives, Dani’s digging uncovers what her new friends already know: Dani's delusions are actually second sight. She’s the prophesied Seer. Her admirers stand on opposing sides of a supernatural war, sparring for her heart because they know whichever way she goes, the world will follow.
With superhuman armies gathering in the shadows and the threat of an apocalypse resting squarely on her shoulders, Dani must decide whether she'll die for the truth – or be able to live with herself if she doesn’t.
GOOD MONSTERS is a YA Urban Fantasy, complete at 75,000 words. It is the first of three books following Dani Hayes as she comes to terms with first-love and her own unique purpose – in the middle of the eternal battle between good and evil.
I have included [pages / content as per agent submission guidelines] for your consideration. May I send you the entire manuscript?
Thank you for your time,
Aimee L. Salter
CONTACT DETAILS
I like:
ReplyDelete2. Seventeen-year-old Dani Hayes finds out her ‘delusions’ are actually second sight, the hottest guys in school have supernatural armies behind them, and everyone expects her to lead the world to their truth and thus avert the apocalypse. Dani is forced to choose a side - when either could mean death for herself or the man she loves.
But I think it could be changed slightly to:
[When] seventeen-year-old Dani Hayes finds out her ‘delusions’ are actually second sight, and [that] everyone expects her to lead the world to their truth and thus avert the apocalypse, [keep as 1 sentence] Dani is forced to choose a side - when either could mean death for herself or the [boy - its YA right? not an adult romance?] she loves.
It sometimes helps to have a one sentence hook as opposed to two as it makes it more concise.
I like 3. with 1's beginning and 2's ending.
ReplyDelete"Branded a schizophrenic, seventeen-year-old Dani is about to learn her delusions are actually second sight. She’s about to discover her ‘gifts’ are real, supernatural armies gather behind the hottest guys in her school, and both sides of the war expect her to avert the apocalypse. Dani is forced to choose a side - when either could mean death for herself or the man she loves."
I think "schizophrenic" to start the hook is bound to catch anyone's eye. The second sentence moves the quickest with the most promise of adventure in it, and of course ending it with the promise of romance is always good as far as I'm concerned.
I like your query. This does sound fascinating.
I was going to suggest almost exactly what Cee did. It's the most straightforward and it introduces a love interest.
ReplyDeleteAs for the query, I think it's good--you could probably be a little more straightforward in the second paragraph, though, especially because it's an odd transition from the first paragraph.
For example, "Suspicious of their motives, Dani digs deeper and discovers the reason behind their interest. Her delusions are actually the supernatural power of second sight. She's the prophesied Seer, etc..."
Good luck with your queries!