Monday, June 25, 2012

First 500 Critique Series - THE REFUGEE by Samathan Farkas

Here's the second in our First 500 Critiques Series for 2012. Remember, all commentors go into the draw for a critique of their first chapter!

As usual, the first 500 words are left untouched here. The critique begins halfway down.

THE REFUGEE
by Samathan Farkas
(Visit Samantha's blog)

GENRE: Sci-Fi Thriller, 100,000 words

The year was 1849 and the whole country was in a rush, except for the man on the motorcycle.

The wheels churned up clouds of dust as the vehicle sped through the desert night, sending unnatural shivers into the evening silence. The headlights cast an eerie glow upon the rock and an illuminated screen tossed a wavering beam toward the stars.  The bike's rider, a rugged man with dark hair and darker eyes, repeatedly glanced at the GPS.  It flashed him the date, which he ignored, for it was the right date but not the one he wanted; instead, he focused on the two blinking dots that rested side by side, a few miles off.

He came to a sudden halt at the brink of a large canyon, killed the engine and climbed off the bike.  The first foreign lights he had seen in over an hour sprung up from below, as if between its walls flowed a fiery river.  But when he stepped to the edge and glanced down, he saw nothing but a small cluster of buildings, each with a candle in every window.  A mining town, nestled between the cliffs.  That's where they wanted him to go.

What if I just don't show up?  The thought had crossed his mind several times since leaving base, and now, as he inched forward until he toes could have curled around the ledge had he not been wearing those tall leather boots, it thumped against his skull louder than ever.  How easy it would have been to simply trip!  A drunken stumble!  An innocent loss of balance!  Someone would find his broken corpse the next day on his way to the quarry, or while leading the cattle to a field.  No one would think twice about it.  His face was alien, and his gun, too; but his clothes were not.  He would blend in well enough with the locals, and the others would manage to conceal the motorbike before anybody discovered it.  All he needed to do was take one more step, and it would all be over...

A gunshot shattered the stillness.  It ricocheted off the canyon walls until finally fading into the sky.  His trained ear registered the sound as belonging to an old-fashioned harmonica gun, rather than one of the Smith & Wesson semi-automatics they used.  It probably did not mean anything, but the sudden noise knocked him to his senses.  With one last glimpse at the canyon floor, he returned to the bike.  Somehow he would have to get to the town.

That, though, was the easy part.

***

Half an hour later he found two motorcycles identical to his, each bearing a bumper emblazoned with one word:  Eon.  Steel horses, those things--silver and sleek and tucked in the shadows of an empty stable stall.  They were propped up on kickstands, side by side, just as the GPS had depicted.  But their riders were missing.



**CRITIQUE**

The year was 1849 and the whole country was in a rush, except for the man on the motorcycle.

A GREAT opening in my opinion. In that one line you’ve told me that we are either in an alternate history of 1849 OR we’re in the future on a different calendar to the one I’m used to. Either way, it works. I want to see how those two elements combine.

I do want to encourage you to expand just a little on “the whole country was in a rush”.  Mainly because this line had me picturing 1849 London (for some reason) which made the next line a little jarring. Perhaps something along the lines of “The year was 1849 and the faraway city streets bustled. Everyone was in a rush – except the man on the motorcycle. His wheels churned…”

I’m not suggesting that as a replacement, only trying to give you an idea of what I meant.



The wheels churned up clouds of dust as the vehicle sped through the desert night, sending unnatural shivers into the evening silence. The headlights cast an eerie glow upon the rock and an illuminated screen tossed a wavering beam toward the stars. 

Right here is where I wondered what POV we were in. Is it omniscient? The grand language would imply so. I’m a hard sell on the omniscient POV, but that’s subjective.

The problem is, being this distant from the focal character, I’m not getting the who or what. What does he look like? How old is he? What kind of road is he on? Is it a dirt path? Is it just plain sand? A couple of sprinkled details could cement the mental image and let me focus on the story itself.



The bike's rider, a rugged man with dark hair and darker eyes, repeatedly glanced at the GPS.  It flashed him the date, which he ignored, for it was the right date but not the one he wanted; instead, he focused on the two blinking dots that rested side by side, a few miles off.

He came to a sudden halt at the brink of a large canyon,

Give some sense-imagery here – a stone bouncing down the wall, or the wind pushing up into the rider’s eyes. Something that makes the location tangible.



killed the engine and climbed off the bike.  The first foreign lights he had seen in over an hour sprung up from below, as if between its walls flowed a fiery river. 

I pictured lights as points of light, so couldn’t understand how they’d look like a fiery river. I re-read a couple times and still couldn’t get the mental image.



But when he stepped to the edge and glanced down, he saw nothing but a small cluster of buildings, each with a candle in every window.  A mining town, nestled between the cliffs.  That's where they wanted him to go.

A glance is a short look. Seems like he looked down. Because you’re in the first page, this is another good place to get really tangible – what kind of buildings are clustered? The candles give us a clue, but better if we knew if they were cold brick, rickety shacks, crumbling mud huts, etc.



What if I just don't show up?  The thought had crossed his mind several times since leaving base, and now, as he inched forward until he toes could have curled around the ledge had he not been wearing those tall leather boots, it thumped against his skull louder than ever.

This is good detail, but I think the sense-imagery of his clothing could have come sooner. Let him feel the rub of leather against his leg while he’s still on the bike, or be grateful that it kept the wind from biting his skin, or something along those lines. That way we know what to picture earlier and you can just launch us into the story here.



How easy it would have been to simply trip!  A drunken stumble!  An innocent loss of balance!  Someone would find his broken corpse the next day on his way to the quarry, or while leading the cattle to a field.  No one would think twice about it.  His face was alien, and his gun, too; but his clothes were not.  He would blend in well enough with the locals, and the others would manage to conceal the motorbike before anybody discovered it.  All he needed to do was take one more step, and it would all be over...

A gunshot shattered the stillness.  It ricocheted off the canyon walls until finally fading into the sky. 

You’ve got fast-paced action followed by slow-receding imagery. I think if you remove ‘finally’ it will solve the problem.



His trained ear registered the sound as belonging to an old-fashioned harmonica gun, rather than one of the Smith & Wesson semi-automatics they used. 

We would realize his ear was trained simply by seeing that he can tell the difference between the sounds. Just have him observe it.


It probably did not mean anything,

Since when does a gunshot not mean anything?



but the sudden noise knocked him to his senses.  With one last glimpse at the canyon floor, he returned to the bike.  Somehow he would have to get to the town.

That, though, was the easy part.

“Somehow” implies it isn’t easy. I’d just state he has to get down there – or it was time to get down there.  I do like the last line. It implies there’s tricky stuff coming and I want to know what he’s here to do.

***

Half an hour later he found two motorcycles identical to his, each bearing a bumper emblazoned with one word:  Eon.  Steel horses, those things--silver and sleek and tucked in the shadows of an empty stable stall.  They were propped up on kickstands, side by side, just as the GPS had depicted.  But their riders were missing.

Personally, I’d give just one paragraph before this that gives the reader a clear view of what it’s like to be in the village – i.e. “He crept along the dirt road between buildings until he found the stable. A crumbling, thatched affair, he had to hunt to find a half-door he could open quietly…”

Again, I’m not suggesting you use those words, just giving you an idea of what I meant by giving a visual of the environs.
 

OVERVIEW

Who? A dark haired, darker-eyed man wearing leather.
What?
When? 1849. But it’s not yet clear if it’s the 1849 I automatically associate with the date.
Where? In the desert.
Why? Someone’s told him to be there.

So the only detail I’m really lacking at this point is the what. What is this guy here to do? I think you’ve done a good job of making it clear the guy has a goal, so a lot of readers would probably keep going to see what is happening. But personally, while I enjoyed the taste of your writing, I wasn’t hooked.

To be fair, Sci-fi isn’t really my thing, so you’ve got a hard sell on me anyway. But I wonder if I knew whether this man was friend or foe (or foe who wanted to be friend) if I might want to read further? Right now I don’t know if he’s there to do murder, or just get a coffee with a controller. Some idea of why he would consider killing himself rather than undertaking this task would be good. Not a full explanation, not yet. Just enough to give me a taste of what’s coming.

In my opinion, your writing is fairly strong here. But as I mentioned, omniscient is a hard POV. I felt distant from the man, so not yet invested in what was happening. Because of this distance, I also had the feeling that this man might not be the main character of the book overall – so I was kind of wanting to skip ahead and see what relationship he had to the protagonist.

Since you’re a sci-fi writer, you’ll know more than me about the norms for this genre. So take any of my advice with a grain of salt. But personally, I’d get closer. Give more information on the man himself, than what he’s doing. The most compelling paragraph (for me) was when he stood at the cliff and thought about whether or not to do what he was planning. More of that close POV would make this entire piece more compelling for me.

All in all though, well done. No real reading hiccups. No useless words. The images flow from one to the next. Just try to find a way to bring the reader closer to the heart of what’s going on.

Your Turn: Do you have any advice for the author? Anything you think could improve the opening of her novel? You can visit Samantha's blog here.

8 comments:

  1. Your first four sentences start with "The." Not that I'm picking on the repetitive use of the word or sentence structure, but it really distanced me from the man on the motorcycle. I'm guessing that this is the protagonist, but I can't be sure because of how it is written. It is hard for readers to emotionally attach themselves to a character that is written about in this way.

    I like that you have included some detail about the rifles, but felt that you could do the same with the motorcycle. If the man was riding a Harley that would give us a different impression of him than if he is riding a Kawasaki dirt bike, or a Honda Roadster.

    The image of a man riding a motorcycle through the rough terrain of 1849 was great. I liked it.

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    1. Oh, I do start a lot of sentences with "The!" Thanks for pointing that out. I'll definitely fix that.

      I was going for a mysterious air about the man, which is why I've held off on his name and purpose, but everyone's right: It's very impersonal.

      Thanks for the great advice!

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  2. Just a gun question, since we're assuming he's a time traveler, is there any problem with him carrying a gun that won't be invented for nearly 50 years in its earliest forms (if we're starting in 1849). A motorcycle I suppose he can hide, but does he carry around this gun on his hip like cowboys of old out in the open? If he is, you should also note S&W wasn't around until 1852, and since settlers of that time would likely know their guns they might wonder.

    I wasn't engaged by the opening line, it felt more tell than show to me. Could you try giving us something more that sets the tone of the story or gets us in the head of your protag? Maybe some observation about his mission, how he feels about where he is?

    Could you start it at the first line of the fourth paragraph? That sentence, IMO, held a lot more tension than your previous three paragraphs (which I might consider chopping and inserting that info later). Do we need to see him ride through the desert? What would you lose finding out he's a time traveler a little later? Would the story gain tension?

    I'd recommend a post to you on descriptions, I think it will send you in the right direction to bring your reader further into your story, especially if your protag is doing internal monologue the first few pages. http://blog.janicehardy.com/2012/06/living-in-my-head-crafting-natural.html

    Btw, is this steampunk? I'm thinking no, but if he is a time traveler, why not come on a hover craft or some other futuristic transportation as any would likely be as out of place here as a motorcycle, so why does it have to be a motorcycle?

    I do like sci-fi, and the elements of this story do have me interested in knowing more (especially if it's time travel, one of my fav story elements). I feel like you're nearly there with this, just a bit more polishing. In fact, I think I'm going to visit your blog...

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    1. That's interesting about the guns! I know basically nothing about them, and I chose Smith & Wesson because they're standard issue for a lot of police departments, and as these characters are essentially policing history (You got it! Time travel!) I thought it fitting.


      And you're absolutely right! We don't need to see him drive through the desert at all. At least, not for as long as I have it written. I have lots of chopping to do! Thanks for your wonderful advice!

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    2. I'll be interested to see your first page reworked on your blog when you get to it. After reading the pitch/summary on your blog it sounds very interesting.

      Just a thought, if you have little knowledge of guns maybe it would be good to do a little hands-on research. I'm guessing you're not a gun owner, but do you have friends who are? Maybe you could go to a nearby gun range or see if there are any gun clubs in your area. When I was deciding on a firearm I found a kind of gun club my friend was in (a ladies gun club even, lol). Every gun owner I've encountered is very helpful and very willing to let you test out the guns they have. I'd try finding someone with a revolver, since most cowboys in the time period you're writing would have carried a "six-shooter," probably manufactured by Colt--though you may not need to shoot an actual Colt to get the details and feel you'd want to give your story authenticity. I'm guessing your character would fire a .45 caliber, but be warned, there's quite a lot of kickback in a .45 if you've never shot before. ;) And if it is your first time shooting ever, maybe ask to start with a .22 caliber pistol. It's like a pea shooter, but it's a nice ease in, very little kick. Another tip, gun owners are meticulous about gun safety, so keep any guns you try pointed at the ground and your finger off the trigger at all times until you're firing at a target.

      All right, enough about guns and enough from me. I'll be looking forward to your rewrite!

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    3. Wow, I never thought about going to a shooting range! I would like to learn, if only for writing purposes! Thanks for the info!

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  3. I agree about the distance from the character - he has a mission, but what are his thoughts on it? Why is he contemplating suicide one moment and reaffirming his intention to go to the town the next, especially if gunfire is no big deal to him? Can conflict come from this depressive state vs. what he's been sent there to do, and can this be shown more vividly?

    Also, he seems rather flippant about the prospect of death, which makes it seem like he either has a strange sense of humour about it, or isn't serious about it at all. Is he genuine about wanting to die? Who would miss him if he died, if anyone? If the answer is "no one", or only who he works for because he's no longer be of use, does this drive him further over the edge, no pun intended?

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    1. All very good points! Thanks a lot, and I'll definitely keep all that in mind when I get down to revising!

      And intended or not, I enjoy the pun...I love puns!

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