tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2622477097361465.post2982827260127907770..comments2024-03-10T00:27:43.883-08:00Comments on <center>Aimee L. Salter</center>: First 500 Critique Series - THE REFUGEE by Samathan FarkasAimeeLSalterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17763596557256341788noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2622477097361465.post-48323135434717976852012-06-27T07:53:26.230-07:002012-06-27T07:53:26.230-07:00All very good points! Thanks a lot, and I'll ...All very good points! Thanks a lot, and I'll definitely keep all that in mind when I get down to revising! <br /><br />And intended or not, I enjoy the pun...I love puns!Sam F.https://www.blogger.com/profile/04034367402431479011noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2622477097361465.post-77089872809662090282012-06-26T21:37:29.575-07:002012-06-26T21:37:29.575-07:00I agree about the distance from the character - he...I agree about the distance from the character - he has a mission, but what are his thoughts on it? Why is he contemplating suicide one moment and reaffirming his intention to go to the town the next, especially if gunfire is no big deal to him? Can conflict come from this depressive state vs. what he's been sent there to do, and can this be shown more vividly? <br /><br />Also, he seems rather flippant about the prospect of death, which makes it seem like he either has a strange sense of humour about it, or isn't serious about it at all. Is he genuine about wanting to die? Who would miss him if he died, if anyone? If the answer is "no one", or only who he works for because he's no longer be of use, does this drive him further over the edge, no pun intended?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2622477097361465.post-54664257388558597512012-06-26T09:13:53.763-07:002012-06-26T09:13:53.763-07:00Wow, I never thought about going to a shooting ran...Wow, I never thought about going to a shooting range! I would like to learn, if only for writing purposes! Thanks for the info!Sam F.https://www.blogger.com/profile/04034367402431479011noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2622477097361465.post-26681187732545305792012-06-26T08:09:57.775-07:002012-06-26T08:09:57.775-07:00I'll be interested to see your first page rewo...I'll be interested to see your first page reworked on your blog when you get to it. After reading the pitch/summary on your blog it sounds very interesting.<br /><br />Just a thought, if you have little knowledge of guns maybe it would be good to do a little hands-on research. I'm guessing you're not a gun owner, but do you have friends who are? Maybe you could go to a nearby gun range or see if there are any gun clubs in your area. When I was deciding on a firearm I found a kind of gun club my friend was in (a ladies gun club even, lol). Every gun owner I've encountered is very helpful and very willing to let you test out the guns they have. I'd try finding someone with a revolver, since most cowboys in the time period you're writing would have carried a "six-shooter," probably manufactured by Colt--though you may not need to shoot an actual Colt to get the details and feel you'd want to give your story authenticity. I'm guessing your character would fire a .45 caliber, but be warned, there's quite a lot of kickback in a .45 if you've never shot before. ;) And if it is your first time shooting ever, maybe ask to start with a .22 caliber pistol. It's like a pea shooter, but it's a nice ease in, very little kick. Another tip, gun owners are meticulous about gun safety, so keep any guns you try pointed at the ground and your finger off the trigger at all times until you're firing at a target.<br /><br />All right, enough about guns and enough from me. I'll be looking forward to your rewrite!Jaehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12068459550733383726noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2622477097361465.post-44434293343104489092012-06-25T19:22:05.256-07:002012-06-25T19:22:05.256-07:00That's interesting about the guns! I know bas...That's interesting about the guns! I know basically nothing about them, and I chose Smith & Wesson because they're standard issue for a lot of police departments, and as these characters are essentially policing history (You got it! Time travel!) I thought it fitting.<br /><br /><br />And you're absolutely right! We don't need to see him drive through the desert at all. At least, not for as long as I have it written. I have lots of chopping to do! Thanks for your wonderful advice!Sam F.https://www.blogger.com/profile/04034367402431479011noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2622477097361465.post-77024013489057716092012-06-25T19:05:17.821-07:002012-06-25T19:05:17.821-07:00Oh, I do start a lot of sentences with "The!&...Oh, I do start a lot of sentences with "The!" Thanks for pointing that out. I'll definitely fix that.<br /><br />I was going for a mysterious air about the man, which is why I've held off on his name and purpose, but everyone's right: It's very impersonal.<br /><br />Thanks for the great advice!Sam F.https://www.blogger.com/profile/04034367402431479011noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2622477097361465.post-31036842750186298552012-06-25T14:34:28.840-07:002012-06-25T14:34:28.840-07:00Just a gun question, since we're assuming he&#...Just a gun question, since we're assuming he's a time traveler, is there any problem with him carrying a gun that won't be invented for nearly 50 years in its earliest forms (if we're starting in 1849). A motorcycle I suppose he can hide, but does he carry around this gun on his hip like cowboys of old out in the open? If he is, you should also note S&W wasn't around until 1852, and since settlers of that time would likely know their guns they might wonder.<br /><br />I wasn't engaged by the opening line, it felt more tell than show to me. Could you try giving us something more that sets the tone of the story or gets us in the head of your protag? Maybe some observation about his mission, how he feels about where he is? <br /><br />Could you start it at the first line of the fourth paragraph? That sentence, IMO, held a lot more tension than your previous three paragraphs (which I might consider chopping and inserting that info later). Do we need to see him ride through the desert? What would you lose finding out he's a time traveler a little later? Would the story gain tension?<br /><br />I'd recommend a post to you on descriptions, I think it will send you in the right direction to bring your reader further into your story, especially if your protag is doing internal monologue the first few pages. http://blog.janicehardy.com/2012/06/living-in-my-head-crafting-natural.html<br /><br />Btw, is this steampunk? I'm thinking no, but if he is a time traveler, why not come on a hover craft or some other futuristic transportation as any would likely be as out of place here as a motorcycle, so why does it have to be a motorcycle?<br /><br />I do like sci-fi, and the elements of this story do have me interested in knowing more (especially if it's time travel, one of my fav story elements). I feel like you're nearly there with this, just a bit more polishing. In fact, I think I'm going to visit your blog...Jaehttp://litandscribbles.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2622477097361465.post-13106025593621853162012-06-25T12:40:33.757-07:002012-06-25T12:40:33.757-07:00Your first four sentences start with "The.&qu...Your first four sentences start with "The." Not that I'm picking on the repetitive use of the word or sentence structure, but it really distanced me from the man on the motorcycle. I'm guessing that this is the protagonist, but I can't be sure because of how it is written. It is hard for readers to emotionally attach themselves to a character that is written about in this way. <br /><br />I like that you have included some detail about the rifles, but felt that you could do the same with the motorcycle. If the man was riding a Harley that would give us a different impression of him than if he is riding a Kawasaki dirt bike, or a Honda Roadster. <br /><br />The image of a man riding a motorcycle through the rough terrain of 1849 was great. I liked it.Randyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16621043763559564251noreply@blogger.com