First 500 Critique Series: SHADE by Jae Dansie

This is the third in a series of posts where I will be critiquing the first 500 words of an author's book. You're free to add your notes in the comments (and disagree with mine). Just keep in mind these authors have volunteered their work, so please make sure any comments are constructive!

GIVEAWAY: For each of the first 500 posts, commentors go into the draw for a critique of their first chapter!

The first 500 words are offered here, untouched, for your reading pleasure. The critique begins half-way down.

SHADE

by Jae Dansie (Visit Jae's blog)

Genre: YA Fantasy
Wordcount: 77,000 words

    Emotions are dangerous.

    The prince stared down at his trembling hands.  He thrust them into the warm bath water.  Emotion spread like ants crawling under his skin.  He had to push them away.  Defeat was unacceptable.  He could not lose!

    He flinched when he felt a large, wet tongue lick his face.  His furry dog whined, comforting him.  He leaned his head against the beast, closing his eyes.  The soft, black fur eased his worry.

    The lights in the bathing chamber flickered.  The prince’s body went rigid, his startled gasp echoing against the slate tiles as his dog barked.  The prince watched the lights carefully.  Had he imagined it?  He jerked his head to his right, certain he’d seen movement.  There was nothing.

    Goosebumps raced across his arms as a familiar scent invaded his nostrils.  It wasn’t quite pine—more like pine branches left to rot in a musty old cellar.  He covered his nose and mouth immediately, but it didn’t matter.  The smell wasn’t real.  It was the sensation preceding the darkness.  If it spiraled out of control…

    He needed to calm down. 

    He took a deep breath, then immersed himself completely in the water.  Warmth encompassed him along with calm silence.  The emotion subsided.  He stayed under until his lungs ached before surfacing.  The prince wiped nose-length strands of drenched hair back off his face.  He took a few more cleansing breaths, then climbed out of the bath.

    His father was right.  Despite the strength of his emotions, he was stronger.  He’d pushed them aside.  He dried himself off with one towel, used another for his hair, then tied his robe around him.  He crouched down to pet his dog but as he reached out for the beast’s head, he scrambled back.  Shadow wisped across his arm.  Energy pulsated from his body and shot into the walls, causing them to moan and tremble before the energy dispersed.

    He stared at the wall before him, breathing hard.  He’d lost control.  Completely.  But did anyone else know that?  He listened carefully for any sound outside the chamber.  If his parents or the servants had heard the rumbling, they would burst through the door at any moment.  Maybe it had been small enough.

    He glanced at his dog, who sniffed at the wall across from him.  The prince slowly pushed himself up and joined his pet.  He gaped at the wall, thrusting his fingers against the tiles.  Some of them were damaged.  He traced his finger along the cracks—hairline fractures nearly invisible from afar, but easily seen at this distance.  Emotion resumed crawling under his skin at full strength. 

    He rushed across the hall to his bedroom, his dog trailing behind.  People.  He needed to be around people.  If the servants were waiting there, perhaps their company would drive away whatever was stirring up his emotions.  He threw open his door and faced three surprised women.

**CRITIQUE**

    Emotions are dangerous.

Great lead in!

    The prince stared down at his trembling hands.  He thrust them into the warm bath water.  Emotion spread like ants crawling under his skin.  He had to push them away.  Defeat was unacceptable.  He could not lose!

I love the picture you’re painting, unfortunately I’m not feeling what he’s feeling (which is what would be ideal here). With the opening line, and what you’ve got here, you’re talking about ‘emotion’, but not identifying WHICH emotion is putting him in such a bad place.

Is it fear? Anger? Grief?

    He flinched when he felt a large, wet tongue lick his face.  His furry dog whined, comforting him.  He leaned his head against the beast, closing his eyes.  The soft, black fur eased his worry.

You’ve got a lot of his / he / him, etc, in these opening lines. Enough that it’s becoming noticeable. See if you can change up your sentence openings.

    The lights in the bathing chamber flickered.  The prince’s body went rigid,

This kind of separates him from his body.

his startled gasp echoing against the slate tiles as his dog barked.  The prince watched the lights carefully.  Had he imagined it?  He jerked his head to his right, certain he’d seen movement.  There was nothing.

    Goosebumps raced across his arms as a familiar scent invaded his nostrils.  It wasn’t quite pine—more like pine branches left to rot in a musty old cellar.  He covered his nose and mouth immediately, but it didn’t matter.  The smell wasn’t real.  It was the sensation preceding the darkness.  If it spiraled out of control…

    He needed to calm down. 

    He took a deep breath, then immersed himself completely in the water.  Warmth encompassed him along with calm silence.  The emotion subsided.  He stayed under until his lungs ached before surfacing.  The prince wiped nose-length strands of drenched hair back off his face.  He took a few more cleansing breaths, then climbed out of the bath.

    His father was right.  Despite the strength of his emotions, he was stronger. 

Given the angst at the beginning, this feels like it was a little too easy. He submerged for a minute and it was gone? It would be perfect if you identified the emotion, then showed it easing off. Let us feel it backing away – or being pushed away – because of his efforts.

One note: The cutting off of oxygen would normally heighten emotion. The body perceives it as a threat and it causes an adrenaline rush. If he doesn’t react normally to this situation, it’s even more necessary to show what’s going on in his body, I think. I was confused by the conflict of my instincts and the Prince’s experience.

He’d pushed them aside.  He dried himself off with one towel, used another for his hair, then tied his robe around him.  He crouched down to pet his dog but as he reached out for the beast’s head, he scrambled back.  Shadow wisped across his arm.  Energy pulsated from his body and shot into the walls, causing them to moan and tremble before the energy dispersed.

You need to show what this energy looks like, and how it feels to him. Right now it’s an action in a vaccum.

    He stared at the wall before him, breathing hard.  He’d lost control.  Completely.  But did anyone else know that?  He listened carefully for any sound outside the chamber.  If his parents or the servants had heard the rumbling, they would burst through the door at any moment.  Maybe it had been small enough.

    He glanced at his dog, who sniffed at the wall across from him.  The prince slowly pushed himself up and joined his pet.  He gaped at the wall, thrusting his fingers against the tiles.  Some of them were damaged.  He traced his finger along the cracks—hairline fractures nearly invisible from afar, but easily seen at this distance.  Emotion resumed crawling under his skin at full strength. 

Which emotion?

    He rushed across the hall to his bedroom, his dog trailing behind.  People.  He needed to be around people.  If the servants were waiting there, perhaps their company would drive away whatever was stirring up his emotions.  He threw open his door and faced three surprised women.

Nice! I want to know what’s going to happen here!

OVERVIEW

Who? A Prince, though I have no idea what he looks like.

What? Something to do with emotions creating physical power.
When?
Where? In a castle.
Why?

Okay, so here it is from a bird’s-eye-view: I’m intrigued by a Prince who turns emotion in potentially deadly energy. That’s fraught with conflict, not to mention if there’s any romance, the danger of his ‘feelings’ will create excellent tension. So, premise-wise I think you’re onto something here.Right now, it feels like your delivery is letting you down.

Keep in mind, when you’re writing in third person limited the reader experiences whatever the character experiences. The closer you bring us behind the Prince’s eyes, the less you have to tell us it’s the Prince who is thinking / feeling / acting. You don’t want to tell us what’s happening to him, you want us to feel it ourselves.

I’m going to do a rewrite of your first few paragraphs because I want to show you how close you are to hitting it. But I fully recognize this passage is in my voice, not yours. So don’t take it as a direct suggestion. Just an attempt to show you how simple changes can deepen the impression for the reader. I’m calling the Prince “Anton” and attributing emotion to him just for the ease of the read. Forgive me for taking any liberties!

    Prince Anton stared at his hands, trembling despite the warm bath water.  Fear spread like ants crawling under his skin.  No. Defeat was unacceptable. He could not give in!

    He flinched as a large, wet tongue tasted his cheek. Bailey, his loyal dog, whined, pawing the cold porcelain of the bath. Anton smiled and, closing his eyes, leaned into the beast’s ear. The soft, black fur against his cheek soothed the worry burning in his veins.

    Behind his closed lids the lights in the bathing chamber flickered. Bailey barked. Anton jerked upright. Displaced water slapped the tiled floor as he froze, listening. Had he imagined it?  Movement flickered to his right. He whirled to look, but there was nothing.

    Goosebumps raced across his arms as a familiar scent filled the room -- pine branches left to rot in a musty cellar. Pinching his nose was pointless.  The smell wasn’t real. It always came before the darkness.

    He needed to calm down. If he lost control… 

    Taking a deep breath, Anton immersed himself in the water. Warmth slid over him, soothing tense muscles, whispering calm to his heart. In the silence his fear subsided.

   He stayed under until his lungs ached, until he was forced to break the surface or grow gills.

   Reluctantly, he sat up dragging the steamy air into his lungs, pulling drenched strands off his face.

   No more lights. No more movement. Just Bailey, staring at him, ears perked.

   His father was right. He was stronger than the emotions that drove him.

Now, to be fair, my rewrite is one word longer than your original. But I think you’ll see that it provides a richer experience for the reader because it puts us behind the Prince’s eyes – knowing what he knows, feeling what he feels – rather than just being told what is happening in the room.

When I talk about ‘showing’, that’s roughly what I mean.

All of this being said, I meant my initial comment: I’m genuinely intrigued by the premise you’ve introduced here. I want to know who this guy is, what he does, and what happens to him. I also suspect he might be a little bit delicious. And I’d like to get to know him – ha!

So keep going. You’re onto something here.

I hope this is helpful.

Your Turn: Do you have any suggestions for the author to help improve the opening? Were you hooked by the writing sample provided? If you want to contact Jae, you can tweet her at @JaeDansie or click on her blog link at the top of the post.