Sunday, April 3, 2011

FIRST 500 Critique #5 - "Dark Dealings"

This is the fifth in a series of critiques of first 500 words from complete novels. Each submission has been made voluntarily by the author. A chance to win a first chapter critique goes to anyone who comments on this, or other First 500 posts.


Sometimes you get a piece in your hands that's just good writing.  While reading these first 500 words I didn't want to stop to offer advice... I just wanted to keep reading.

I'm going to leave it intact here, then talk at the end about why I think it's so good.  Enjoy!


Dark Dealings
By K.Victoria Smith

Samhain

Her hopes for a nice, normal weekend away from the office died on a dark bend of Massachusetts Route 7. Micaela flicked on the high beams wary of the deer that often darted into the unlit road. She downshifted the Porsche Cayman around a sharp curve. The crisp air that flowed through the open window smelled of an early October snow in the Berkshires. As much fun as it might be to floor it, she wasn’t in any great hurry to get to her grandmother’s farm. A mile later, a shadow at the edge of the road made her slow down even more. On the shoulder, a man dressed in bloody shreds of clothes sat hunched over his knees and stared into her eyes. His mouth formed words she couldn’t hear. Reece.

Micaela pulled over and grabbed a halogen flashlight from the glove box. She jumped from the car and dashed back to the place she’d seen her friend to find no one there. A dark stain gleamed in the ray of her flashlight. She touched her fingers to it then lifted them to her nose. Motor oil. Micaela paced up and down the stretch of road scanning the brush and road for clues.

“Reece, where are you? If this is some sick Halloween joke, come out now!” She shouted into the darkness. No sign of him or anyone on the road or in the woods beside the two lane highway, no footprints and, thankfully, no blood.

Reece wasn’t the type to pull this kind of stunt. His brother Adam, maybe. But Adam would have already stumbled into the road doubled over in laughter. She walked slowly back to her car, ears straining for any noise she might have missed. Back behind the wheel of the Porsche, Micaela stared into the night sky. Until five minutes ago, she’d looked forward to time away, even if it meant being in Bridewell for Samhain.

She looked around one more time. No sign of Reece. Her stomach was a basketball sized knot. If this wasn’t a trick… Damn. She slammed her hand against the steering wheel. It was just a delusion, she thought, spawned by exhaustion. She must have been micro-sleeping behind the wheel. Too many late nights hunched over the prospectus of a recent deal. The alternative was unacceptable. It meant the visions had returned. Why now, why had his spirit, ghost…No, she refused the idea that he had passed over. Then again, Samhain was the time of the year when people and spirits moved between this world and the Otherworld. Shit.

She should call Reece from her cell phone, but she’d never programmed any of the Bridewell numbers into her contacts. Dread gnawed at Micaela’s mind for the remains of the drive to Bridewell.

A little over an hour later, she turned off Cerwiden Street and onto the narrow country lane that led to the Rourke-O’Brien Farm. Flashing red lights slashed through the darkness between the gnarled apple trees of the Rourke orchard. She swerved left as she rounded the last turn to avoid the police cruiser stationed near the foot of the drive. The wooden gate, meant to keep sheep in, was pushed open. A patrolman in an orange vest flagged her down. Her dread turned to fear.

 
SUMMARY CRITIQUE
 
When I read through this passage for critique, I had to hunt for anything I'd change.  I told the author (personally) I'd kill the 'floor it' reference, because it sounded too juvenile and male for the focal character in my opinion.  Also that there were several close-knit references to Bridewell towards to the end.  But really?  This is an excellent piece of writing.
 
Why?
 
Check out that first paragraph.  Wait - check out the first line:
 
Her hopes for a nice, normal weekend away from the office died on a dark bend of Massachusetts Route 7.
 
The very first sentence introduces dramatic trouble without telling the reader too much.  I was intrigued, but in the way that raised questions: Who dies?  Why?  Is she going to be the victim, or the perpetrator? 
 
So of course, I read on.  Now look at the rest of that paragraph:
 
Micaela (WHO) flicked on the high beams wary of the deer that often darted into the unlit road (WHERE). She downshifted the Porsche Cayman around a sharp curve (WHAT). The crisp air that flowed through the open window smelled of an early October snow in the Berkshires (WHEN). As much fun as it might be to floor it, she wasn’t in any great hurry to get to her grandmother’s farm (MORE WHERE / WHAT). A mile later, a shadow at the edge of the road made her slow down even more. On the shoulder, a man dressed in bloody shreds of clothes sat hunched over his knees and stared into her eyes. His mouth formed words she couldn’t hear. Reece. (TROUBLE!!!!)


In only 132 words, Victoria has introduced every crucial element for the opening of a book.  And her writing is tight.  There are few, if any extra words.  The imagery is vivid. 
 
Best of all, I want to read more.  After reading that First 500 I was disappointed not to have more material. 
 
If I had picked this up in a bookstore, I would have purchased it (or, failing the cash, written it on the little piece of paper in my wallet titled "Must Buy"). 
 
Now, that last aspect is obviously impacted by things like genre and tone. But I doubt you'll find any writing professional who doesn't appreciate the execution here.
 
This is good writing.  Pure and simple.
 
YOUR TURN:  Do you have any thoughts or advice for Victoria? NOTE: Reader comments and impressions are welcome, but please ensure you're offering constructive (i.e. practical, useful) advice. Troll comments will be deleted.

9 comments:

  1. I agree this is damn good writing. It offers just enough to give incentive to read more. I don't agree with killing the floor it reference though. I thought it worked just fine.

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  2. Thanks Michael. I can see Aimee's point. Just my secret fantasy to drive fast cars leaking out. Not sure if dream car is Porsche Cayman or Mustang Shelby.

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  3. Excellent writing. You nailed the opening line which I always struggle with. You introduced a lot of information in few words. I don't see a thing I'd change. I want to read more of your story!

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  4. I am intrigued, caught up and want to know more. But it is a rough ride. The first sentence is killer, I love it.

    After that there are rough patches. If Micaela turns on high beams to pan out any errant deer in the road, how then, does she turn a curve and clearly see a man with shredded clothing STARING INTO HER EYES? That is a little too harlequin. Maybe gazing vacantly into the settling dusk, hands clasped around bloody knees...

    There also seems as if a definitive sentence about Micaela is missing in the segue between the amazing introductory sentence and the kamikaze jump into the adrenalin pumping action of the body...we need to know why she was looking forward to a quiet weekend. Did she run her hand through her shoulder length midnight black curls in an attempt to loosen the tension of 5 full days of litigation as the D.A. of a small town with a big case?

    This is a great story...I see some fleshing out that can make it better than great.

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  5. Thanks Haley, Hopefully someday you will.
    Thanks also for your thoughts and kind words EbethT. It is always so hard trying to find the right balance between back story and action especially in the first pages which for unknown can determine whether or not reader will invest the time to read the rest of the 85000 words. Will give it some thought.

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  6. The author nailed this opening. I love how you diagramed out the key elements in the first paragraph. I'm taking notes!

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  7. I love your first sentence and paragraph and don't have anything to add. In fact, I'm trying to figure out if I can make your pattern work in my wip.

    I didn't have a problem with not knowing why she looked forward to the weekend. Goodness knows we are all busy and stressed in so many different ways that all of us would look forward to a quiet weekend. I figured if the reason was important it would come up in due time.

    I'm so intrigued about her "visions" and finding out what happened to Reece.

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  8. I agree with Michael. I don't think I'd change a thing. This beginning definitely draws you in and makes you want more!
    I am also taking notes...making sure I have the who, what, where and when in my first 500.

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  9. Thank you Kari, Charity and Sharon. Hope everyone stays in touch. I can be reached through my blog (click on my name for link), or on Twitter with handle @kvictoriasmith.

    I learn so much from feedback on my own work, on others (see ALL Aimee's First 500) and by critiquing for others.

    Write, edit, love

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