Monday, April 4, 2011

FIRST 500 Critique #6 - "Confessions of an Honest Man"

This is the sixth in a series of critiques of first 500 words from complete novels. Each submission has been made voluntarily by the author. A chance to win a first chapter critique goes to anyone who comments on this, or other First 500 posts.

Due to IRL interruptions, I'm going to stop the series here for a few weeks, then pick it up again in May.  The authors in line for crits this series will be given the chance to revise their work before submitting next month.

First chapter critique competition is still running, so feel free to offer your two-cents in the comments!


Confessions of an Honest Man
By Art Rosch


Micky Tucker's Diamond Club was the most posh of Detroit's jazz clubs.


I’M NOT SURE I BELIEVE A JAZZ CLUB CAN BE ‘POSH’. SEEMS LIKE IT SHOULD BE THE COOLEST, OR MOST POPULAR. ALSO THE PHRASE 'MOST POSH' IS JARRING. 'POSHEST'? OR SOMETHING ELSE WOULD WORK BETTER IMO.



It booked only high end talent and it served famously delicious and expensive steak and barbecue. People wore their finest clothes when they came to The Diamond Club. They dressed to be seen and they dressed to feel good. Men sported immaculate double-breasted suits with dark shirts and champagne- colored ties. They wore diamond tie pins, gold Swiss watches and Italian cuff links. Women in designer gowns had complicated upswept hair styles and eyelids painted irridescent cyan.

YOU’RE PAINTING A REALLY DETAILED SETTING HERE. IT TOOK ME A MINUTE TO FIGURE OUT WHAT WASN’T WORKING: NO CHARACTER OR TROUBLE IMPLICATION. THIS SOUNDS LIKE A GREAT PLACE, BUT I DON’T HAVE ANYONE OR ANYTHING ANCHORING ME TO IT, SO I DON’T CARE ABOUT HOW COOL THIS PLACE IS. YET.



Three musicians were standing outside the club’s back door, under a canvas awning with scalloped trim. They wore black tuxedoes with cummerbunds. Their shoes were polished to mirror perfection. One of the musicians was white. He was a lithe youngster, about five nine, with a high forehead and dreaming eyes. His nose had a Semitic flare, although it had been crushed at the bridge and pushed to the right some time during his childhood. It gave a distinctive roughness to what was otherwise an innocent face. The boy looked like he'd been in a fight. The crooked nose was the result of a Little League pop fly, lost in the sun until it crashed into a nine year old face.

VERY DETAILED DESCRIPTION, BUT NO PERSONALITY, SO I DON’T ‘CARE’ ABOUT THIS YET. IF YOU WANT TO PERSONALIZE THIS, GIVE THE BOY’S NAME AND SHOW US HOW HE USES THE FEATURE TO SEEM OLDER AND HARDER THAN HE IS, DESPITE THE FACT IT’S AN INNOCENT CHILDHOOD INJURY.

THERE ARE A LOT OF EXTRA WORDS AND SENTENCES HERE, SEE END NOTES FOR AN EXAMPLE.



The young man wasn't the only white person at Micky Tucker's, but he may have been the only white musician to play upon the club's stage. Ever. This was a place where people came to hear Stanley Turrentine, Dexter Gordon, maybe even Coltrane. Mickey Tucker didn't book Stan Getz or Gerry Mulligan. It wasn't their whiteness; they just wouldn't fill the house. The jazz taste in Detroit was for hard bop and funk-jazz. Art Blakey had made the bill the previous week. Before that, Miles Davis and his band held sway. This week it was the Zoot Prestige Trio.

THIS IS ALL BACKSTORY. AT THIS POINT MY READER INTEREST IS WANING BECAUSE I STILL DON’T HAVE A CHARACTER TO CARE ABOUT, OR TROUBLE TO WORRY ABOUT.



The tallest of the three musicians, a man in his early sixties, was clearly the band leader. He had the presence of a distinguished jazz man. He had a mix of intelligence, humor and gravitas that drew the eye. The little strap around his neck identified him as a saxophonist.

TWO SENTENCES IN A ROW START ‘HE HAD’. IT DOESN’T HOLD ENOUGH IMPACT TO SEEM LIKE AN INTENTIONAL REPETITION.



There was a red poppy in the band leader's lapel. The younger musicians had white carnations. A few people stopped to shake hands and offer words of praise for the excellent music the band had provided. Someone laughed a boozy laugh. When the jazz fans had drifted away, the leader butted his cheroot in the sand of an ashtray. He stepped off the concrete pad and walked towards his car.

The other two followed casually, about thirty seconds apart. They got into the vehicle and quietly closed the door

Soon they were engrossed in the ritual of the pipe: lighting, inhaling, holding breath, exhaling. It was cozy in the Continental’s plush interior. Air came through the upholstery’s leather seams, as if the vehicle sighed. The men were settling down, recharging their nerves for the next set, the last set. It was one o’clock in the morning.

THERE’S NO DOUBT YOU CAN PAINT A PICTURE. BUT YOUR OPENING IS 500 WORDS OF SCENE SETTING. WE DON’T KNOW WHO WE’RE FOCUSED ON (THE YOUNG WHITE MAN, OR THE OLDER BLACK MAN? SOMEONE ELSE?) OR WHY WE’RE THERE BECAUSE THERE’S NO TROUBLE. BASICALLY WE GET 450 WORDS OF WHERE, AND A COUPLE SENTENCES OF WHAT (A MUSICAL SET IS ABOUT TO HAPPEN).

WITHOUT A ‘WHO’ TO BE SURE OF, I'M NOT ENGAGED BECAUSE I'M NOT FEELING FOR OR AGAINST A PERSON. WITH NO TROUBLE, AND WITHOUT BEING BEHIND A CHARACTER’S EYES, WE HAVE NO REASON TO BE ATTACHED TO THIS VERY COLORFUL SCENE BECAUSE NOTHING ANCHORS US THERE.



SUMMARY CRITIQUE

READER NOTE: If I picked this up in a bookstore I would think the author could probably write a good story, but I’d assume every scene would be set with this amount of wide-shot detail and I’d (personally) find that tiring. I wouldn’t buy the book.

WRITER NOTE: You may well have picked the right point to start your story, I don’t know because there’s no action here. It’s clear you have a distinct vision of your environment and this sounds like a really interesting place to start a book… but I have no idea if this story is going to be interesting because the story hasn’t started.

My advice would be to jump to whatever point the change or trouble begins, then sprinkle (carefully and briefly) this kind of setting and description throughout the first 50 pages to give the reader the sense of environment without overloading them.

I’m not sure if it’s intentional, but this is written in third person omniscient which is a hard way to start a book and hold the reader (should I say “this reader”?). I like to feel like I’m jumping into the story behind the eyes of a person who’s involved. Right now, we’re above the scene, looking down. Which separates us from the action… except there isn’t any forward motion yet.

Additionally, there are lots of extra words and sentences that essentially repeat the sentences before them.

I know how frustrating it is when critiquers say ‘tighten’ or ‘too many words’, so I’m going to use the second paragraph as an example of how I’d cut your words / repetition down:

* Three musicians IN BLACK TUXEDOES STOOD outside the club’s back door under a canvas awning. AS THE ONLY WHITE, (NAME) STOOD OUT. A lithe youngster, about five nine, with a high forehead and dreaming eyes, HIS CRUSHED AND CROOKED nose had a Semitic flare. It gave a distinctive roughness to HIS otherwise innocent face. (SENTENCE TO TELL READER THE CHARACTER IMPLIED THE INJURY WAS SUSTAINED IN A FIGHT). BUT THE crooked nose was actually the result of a Little League pop fly CHRASHING into a nine year old face. *

Now, obviously this paragraph might not work for your overall story, it’s just an example of how you can streamline your words without losing the elements of the picture you’re painting. In fact, it gives more information (because it offers insight into a character) in fewer words.

Given what I’ve read here, I suspect you’re able to weave a great story with vivid imagery. If you focus on keeping us behind someone’s eyes and giving us the feelings of your focal character(s), the rest of these skills will come through even stronger.

YOUR TURN: Do you have any thoughts or advice for Art?  NOTE: Reader comments and impressions are welcome, but please ensure you're offering constructive (i.e. practical, useful) advice. Troll comments will be deleted.

2 comments:

  1. I agree with pmuch everything you've said here. You have a very critical eye.

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  2. Hi Art, I suspect if we read further we would find the real beginning of the story. I would like to read what happens in the Continental of after. It may be that you need to push some of this detail out further, eliminate or re write some but weave it in after the story starts. Find the place where the plot begins. No matter what the genre there is always an inciting event. What is yours and get there as quickly as possible. Then you will grab the reader and they will stay for the ride. Definitely give them names.

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