Thursday, June 21, 2012

First 500 Critique Series - EXIT STAGE LEFT by Randy Lindsay

This is the first in a series of posts where I will be critiquing the first 500 words of an author's book. You're free to add your notes in the comments (and disagree with mine). Just keep in mind these authors have volunteered their work, so please make sure any comments are constructive!

GIVEAWAY: For each of the first 500 posts, commenters go into the draw for a critique of their first chapter!

The first 500 words are offered here, untouched, for your reading pleasure. The critique begins half-way down.


EXIT STAGE LEFT
By Randy Lindsay
GENRE: Mystery/Comedy

“I got us a job.”           

The words were like fingernails dragged along a chalk board. Not because I dislike working. And not because I dislike working with someone else. But these words, spoken in that slightly nasal surfer accent, meant that Dave had found another bizarre event to investigate.

I froze. We hadn’t made eye contact and with any luck he might think me sleeping, or even dead. To reinforce the illusion I closed my eyes and chanted in my mind ‘This is not the man you are looking for. This is not the office you seek.’

“Come on man.” Dave guffawed. “That trick didn’t work in high school and it isn’t going to work on me now.”

For a moment the office remained quiet, except for the sound of the air condition run successfully trying to reduce the miserable heat. Seconds ticked by.

“Sherlock? You awake?” Dave sounded less amused.

He nudged my shoulder.

“Bill? You dead?”

When a finger jabbed me in the chest hard enough to bruise, I gave up the ruse.

“Alright Dave, what do you want?” I rubbed my chest.

Dave gave one of his machine-gun chuckles. “Dude! You had me going there. Nice one.”

“At least you didn’t try to resuscitate me this time.”

“Anyways, I got us a job.”

“You said that before.” I spun around in my chair and tried to look busy by shuffling through the papers on my desk. Most were bills. I quickly relocated them to the bottom of the stack and busied myself with the one open case I had. A jealous husband had hired me to follow his wife and make sure she hadn’t been cheating on him.

“Hey!” Dave pointed at the pictures I had gathered for the case. “Isn’t that Jenny Parker?”

“Maybe. Do you know her?”

“Yeah. Well sort of. She’s married to an uptight lawyer in Bel air, but dating the guy who played Tyler’s brother on “Here’s Tyler”.

“And how do you know this?”

“Because she’s hot.”

“That isn’t a reason.” I rolled my eyes.

“Also, because they came in to the lot the other day. He obviously wanted to impress her with the purchase of a car.”

“So, this former celebrity is hoping to impress a rich, lawyer’s wife by buying her a used Honda?”

“You say that like it’s a negative thing. Hondas rock. Not only that, Hollywood Honda is the dealership of the stars.”

“I thought that was the logo for Hollywood Saturn?” I asked, afraid of his answer.

“No. H S is the dealership to the stars. Not that it matters, we’re thinking of changing ours. Like, Hollywood Honda – used cars for used stars.”

I nodded. “I’m sure that’ll go over big.”

“Right. That’s what I was thinking too.”

“How sure are you that Mrs. Parker is going out with Tyler’s brother?”

“Real sure. They come over to the lot almost every day to check out our fine fleet of pre-loved vehicles and then walk across the street to the Motel 6.” 
 

**CRITIQUE**

“I got us a job.”           

The words were like fingernails dragged along a chalk board.

This seems like a really strong reaction to a simple statement. Because of what follows I understand what you’re going for. But I think you’re risking overstating. Maybe, rather than fingers on a chalkboard, his stomach dropped (except less cliché than that), or he tensed (except more detailed)?





Not because I dislike working. And not because I dislike working with someone else. But these words, spoken in that slightly nasal surfer accent, meant that Dave had found another bizarre event to investigate.

That’s more strong language. I won’t comment further until I’ve read the whole portion so I know if it fits.




I froze.

I think you could have gotten away with just this reaction.
 



We hadn’t made eye contact and with any luck he might think me sleeping, or even dead. To reinforce the illusion I closed my eyes and chanted in my mind ‘This is not the man you are looking for. This is not the office you seek.’

I’d cut “and chanted in my mind” and simply put the words in italics. It would speed up the pace and reinforce the humor.



“Come on man.” Dave guffawed.

Correct punctuation of attributed speech would be: “Come on, man,” Dave guffawed. Though I think you could do away with ‘guffawed’ and just use ‘said’. It’s an invisible word and won’t distract from the dialogue.





“That trick didn’t work in high school and it isn’t going to work on me now.”

Good, organic way to inform the reader these men have been friends since high school!



For a moment the office remained quiet,

I thought they were in a bedroom? Isn’t the protagonist lying down? It isn’t a problem for him to be asleep on a couch, or whatever, but you  need to inform the reader’s mental image. It’s jarring to have to reset it this far in.





except for the sound of the air condition run successfully trying to reduce the miserable heat. Seconds ticked by.

There’s words or portions of words missing in that first sentence.



“Sherlock? You awake?” Dave sounded less amused.  He nudged my shoulder. “Bill? You dead?”

When a finger jabbed me in the chest hard enough to bruise, I gave up the ruse.

“Alright Dave, what do you want?” I rubbed my chest.

Comma before and after “Dave”.





Dave gave one of his machine-gun chuckles. “Dude! You had me going there. Nice one.”

I have trouble imagining a machine-gun chuckle. Chuckles are (in my mind) low and soft, as opposed to laughter or guffaws. Did Dave really think there was something wrong with Bill? It makes him seem less intelligent – which might be intentional. Just noting the impression.



“At least you didn’t try to resuscitate me this time.”

“Anyways, I got us a job.”

“You said that before.” I spun around in my chair and tried to look busy by shuffling through the papers on my desk. Most were bills. I quickly relocated them to the bottom of the stack and busied myself with the one open case I had. A jealous husband had hired me to follow his wife and make sure she hadn’t been cheating on him.

“Hey!” Dave pointed at the pictures I had gathered for the case. “Isn’t that Jenny Parker?”

“Maybe. Do you know her?”

“Yeah. Well sort of. She’s married to an uptight lawyer in Bel air, but dating the guy who played Tyler’s brother on “Here’s Tyler”.

“And how do you know this?”

“Because she’s hot.”

“That isn’t a reason.” I rolled my eyes.

This was flowing well. I’d cut the eye-roll and let the pace keep moving.





“Also, because they came in to the lot the other day. He obviously wanted to impress her with the purchase of a car.”

“So, this former celebrity is hoping to impress a rich, lawyer’s wife by buying her a used Honda?”

“You say that like it’s a negative thing. Hondas rock. Not only that, Hollywood Honda is the dealership of the stars.”

“I thought that was the logo for Hollywood Saturn?” I asked, afraid of his answer.

“No. H S is the dealership to the stars. Not that it matters, we’re thinking of changing ours. Like, Hollywood Honda – used cars for used stars.”

This made me smile.





I nodded. “I’m sure that’ll go over big.”

“Right. That’s what I was thinking too.”

“How sure are you that Mrs. Parker is going out with Tyler’s brother?”

“Real sure. They come over to the lot almost every day to check out our fine fleet of pre-loved vehicles and then walk across the street to the Motel 6.” 

You’ve got great flow going in the second half, but I feel like I have a better feel for the relationship between these two men, than I do for what they’re doing. Their relationship needs to be solid for this kind of book, so that's great, but in these first pages you need a story hook.


Could Dave tell Bill what job he’s got? I feel like I would have kept reading, but not much further before I gave up. Better if I already knew where we were headed (at least a hint) and was eagerly devouring the pages than considering whether or not to keep reading.



OVERVIEW

Who? Bill and Dave. Dave is a ‘surfer type’. I have no idea what Bill looks like or their respective ages (I would guess they are in their 20’s or 30’s).

What? Something to do with private investigation. But I don’t really know.

When? I’m guessing modern-day. But it hasn’t really been established.

Where? Hollywood (that’s a hook for me personally)

Why?

I think the opening lines need some work. If you can get to the banter a little quicker, and let the banter provide a few more nuggets of what’s coming, I think this would be more successful as a ‘hook’. Right now, there’s no real indication of what direction this book is going to take except that we’ve got a great comraderie between the two men in this scene.

I like the setting and, as a woman, the Hollywood environment appeals to me. But I think you need to get to the guts of the problem quicker. Rather than bantering about this hot woman, could they be bantering about the new job Dave has found?

One final note. I think you’re giving too much in the first few lines. Try something like this:

“I got us a job.”           

I froze. Those words, spoken in that slightly nasal surfer accent, meant Dave had stumbled on another bizarre investigation.

I was slouched in my chair. With any luck he might think me sleeping, or even dead. To reinforce the illusion I closed my eyes. This is not the man you are looking for. This is not the office you seek.

“Come on, man. That trick didn’t work in high school and it isn’t going to work on me now.”

For a moment the office remained quiet, except for the sound of the air conditioning unit unsuccessfully trying to reduce the miserable heat.

“Sherlock? You awake?”  He nudged my shoulder. “Bill? You dead?”

When a finger jabbed me in the chest hard enough to bruise, I gave up the ruse.

“Alright, Dave, what do you want?” I rubbed my chest.

Dave laughed. “Dude! You had me going there. Nice one.”

“At least you didn’t try to resuscitate me this time.”

That’s 164 words compared to your 210, and I believe it gets you to the same place. Of course, I’m not suggesting you use my phrasing. You’ve got to work in your own voice. I’m just trying to show you that you can trust your dialogue to move the reader along and give the impressions you’re trying to build.

I hope that helps!

Your Turn: Any advice for the author? Anything you think could improve the opening of this book?

13 comments:

  1. I think Randy set up the premise for the story well. Hollywood Honda really made me smile.

    I loved what you did to clean it up and make it flow quicker, Aimee.

    Those words, and spoken in that slightly nasal surfer accent? Dave had stumbled on another bizarre investigation.

    I slouched in my chair. With any luck he might think me sleeping. Either that or dead. To reinforce the illusion I closed my eyes. This is not the man you are looking for. This is not the office you seek.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I think Aimee hit exactly what I was thinking. Even her suggested cuts at the end is how I rearranged it as well.

    I like the feel-kind of reminded me of the relationship in Psych with different people. This pulled me in enough to give it a few more pages. I'm wondering if the new job is connected to the lawyer's wife at this point since it is all they talked about. If the new case is completely unrelated it might feel jarring or like a bait and switch.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you. I'm glad that it caught your interest. Although "Psych" wasn't the inspiration for it, I did want to write something humorous and would be delighted if it came out half as good as that show.

      The case is not related to the what you've already read. However, this isn't all of the first chapter. It moves to the real case in a natural way.

      For the series, I plan to base every book on parodies of real celebrities. In this book it is the cast of the original Star Trek.

      Delete
  3. Aimee, thank you so much for running this feature and especially for taking the time to comment on my story. I'm really looking forward to reading more of these over the weeks to come. : )

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    Replies
    1. Oh, I forgot to mention that the comments were awesome.

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  4. Firstly, I just want to commend you, Randy, for your bravery. It takes guts to let your work be critiqued in a public forum.

    Secondly, Aimee, I think your comments are spot on. You pulled out the great parts of the chapter and made them shine. Looking forward to seeing more in this series.

    Best of luck with your book, Randy!

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    Replies
    1. Thanks. Although, I enjoy critique because it makes my work better.

      And thank you for the well-wishes.

      Delete
  5. I must admit I took quite a shine to Dave from the outset. I like his 'dumb luck', spotting the wife in question and thus clearing your protagonist's schedule to work on 'his job'. I agree with Aimee, you don't need the guffaw type comments - it could make him seem cartoonish. The comment about 'that trick not working in high school...' said it all.

    I also agree it would help to get the hook in as quickly as possible.

    Best of luck!

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    Replies
    1. Thank you. I will indeed be making those adjustments to the first chapter.

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  6. I think Aimee's got it covered, just some nitpicky things to think about. Remember, you're free to ignore any suggestions. :) 1) Describing a surfer's voice as nasal threw me. Nasal is more associated with nerdy, geeky, uptight, etc. 2) Guffawed too, threw me. I'm not even sure what a guffaw would sound like. Either way, guffaw seems more literary, this sounds more commercial fiction. 3) I think it needs to be "air conditioner," and I too was thrown by them sitting in an office if the one is pretending to be asleep.

    Try reading your words out loud. Wherever you stumble needs fixing, plus I've found it makes it easier to catch quick fixes. Otherwise, I'm intrigued by what this new job will be and what kind of partnership/friendship these two have. You've got good story elements there, just a little polishing and your story will shine!

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    Replies
    1. Thank you for your comments. I appreciate the input.

      Delete
  7. Wow! What a great take on Randy's initial work. I am new to critiquing and when he ran it by me, I missed a lot of what you pointed out. Randy, looks like we're both going to learn a lot along the way.

    Aimee, your blog is now in my top ten to read daily. Thank you!

    ReplyDelete