Thursday, May 3, 2012

DRAFT QUERY #1 - Can You Help This Author?

This is the first in a series of posts wherein we're going to do our best to help some authors hone their query letters before submitting.

The goal here is to help writers find the 'hook' in their story - NOT to give categorical advice on what agents will and won't accept. After all, agents are as individual as you and me.

With that in mind, here's the draft query as written. Following that, I'll offer some comments, then leave it open to you guys to offer yours!


Dear (agent name)

I am a fan of (author name), and had the pleasure of meeting him at a local author fair. When I learned you represent him I thought you might consider my YA thriller, [BOOK TITLE REDACTED] complete at 70,000 words.
A year after a serial killer nearly took her life sixteen-year-old Sloan Woodrow still has scars, both physical and emotional. Her father decides to move Sloan and her twin brother  Finch from California to Minnesota for a new start. Though she hates the snow, and the creepy old house they move into, she fosters hope of recovery for her fractured family. Things start to look up as she makes friends, and Finch becomes captain of the hockey team. But all of that changes when the twins throw a party in their father’s absence. The night of the party, a girl from their school goes missing. Strange things start to happen around the house, and Sloan can’t get the image of the girl out of her head even though they have never met. Sloan thinks the haunting may have something to do with the Ouija board they found in the house and played that fateful night. One by one the people that played the game die in mysterious and gruesome ways. Sloan and her brother are next. Sloan thinks that if she can just solve the mystery of the girl’s disappearance, the vengeful ghost can finally rest in peace. But as she digs deeper into the case, she realizes the real evil may not be the ghost haunting her after all, but the one person she has always been closest to.
I’ve been a finalist and semi-finalist in several writing contests. Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Sincerely,
(Author name and info)

MY COMMENTS:
All my comments will be italicized. Please understand that I’m offering feedback based on what I know of what Agent’s say they want, etc. I am NOT an agent. My goal is to help you find the ‘hook’ in your query. Take any advice here with a grain of salt.
Dear (agent name)

I am a fan of (author name), and had the pleasure of meeting him at a local author fair. When I learned you represent him I thought you might consider my YA thriller, [TITLE REDACTED] complete at 70,000 words.
From what I gather, Agents are generally appreciative of learning the reason they got on your list – or having an indication you actually know who they are. But I think this could be improved by adding why you think they would be interested in your book. Is it similar-but-different to one of the author’s works? If so, which one? And how is it different enough to ensure the agent won’t have a conflict of interest in representing both?

A year after a serial killer nearly took her life [COMMA] sixteen-year-old Sloan Woodrow still has scars, both physical and emotional. Her father decides to move Sloan and her twin brother  Finch from California to Minnesota for a new start. Though she hates the snow, and the creepy old house they move into, she fosters hope of recovery for her fractured family. Things start to look up as she makes friends, and Finch becomes captain of the hockey team. But all of that changes when the twins throw a party in their father’s absence.
[NEW PARAGRAPH] You’ve got a big block of text here. I think it’s easier for readers to keep track when you give some ‘breathing’ space. In my opinion the above detail isn’t really necessary, but that’s a very subjective piece of advice.

The night of the party, a girl from their school goes missing. Strange things start to happen around the house, and Sloan can’t get the image of the girl out of her head even though they have never met. Sloan thinks the haunting may have something to do with the Ouija board they found in the house and played that fateful night.

The following paragraph is the part that really hooked me:
One by one the people that played the game die in mysterious and gruesome ways. Sloan and her brother are next. Sloan thinks that if she can just solve the mystery of the girl’s disappearance, the vengeful ghost can finally rest in peace. But as she digs deeper into the case, she realizes the real evil may not be the ghost haunting her after all,  

But here’s where I felt like I could guess the entire plot-twist, so that dampened my enthusiasm:
but the one person she has always been closest to.
I’ve been a finalist and semi-finalist in several writing contests.

I think unless you’re going to name the contests, it would be better to leave this out.  After all, I won writing competitions in high school. A statement like this could cover that. Get specific or delete, in my opinion.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Sincerely,
(Author name and info) 
* * * OVERVIEW * * * 
Okay, so I suspect this is a book I’d actually like to read. Let me show you which parts of your letter appealed to me:
- Sloan Woodrow was almost killed by a serial killer a year ago.
- They move into an old house where Sloan finds a Ouija board.
- The twins have a party unbeknownst to their Dad, during which someone dies.
- Then, one by one, the people that played the Ouija board are murdered, until only Sloan and her brother are left.
Now, that’s what hooks me. In my opinion (and it is just MY opinion) cut all extraneous detail and leave that for the story-weaving. Just tell the agent what’s at stake (that Sloan has experience in life threatening situations, that people around her are dying, and that it gets down to where Sloan and her brother are the only survivors. Sloan HAS to figure out who’s doing this or die). Leave the rest for discovery in the book.

Oh, and as a final comment: The unknown girl disappearing and visions and hauntings are nice supernatural theories to keep the reader engaged. But the way you’ve written this query, it’s pretty clear they’re just red-herrings. My advice: either don’t make such a big deal of those aspects in the query, or leave the blurb ending open for WHO COULD BE DOING THIS? Right now, it seems pretty clear to me that Sloan’s brother is the killer (or maybe her Dad?) which dilutes tension.
Your Turn: What do you think? Do you agree with my comments / disagree? Give any feedback you can that you think might be helpful to the author – but please keep in mind that we’re here to help, not harm. The idea is to give constructive feedback – if you don’t like something, explain why. And if you think something else is needed, offer suggestions that might help. Any needlessly derogative or personal comments will be deleted.

5 comments:

  1. Though she hates the snow, and the creepy old house *cutthey move into* she fosters hope of recovery for her fractured family.-some alliteration here :)

    Things start to look up as she makes friends, and Finch becomes captain of the hockey team.-If you could re-phrase this sentence, I think it would have more impact-

    But all of that changes when the twins throw a party in their father’s absence-(introduce the Ouija board here).

    *cutThe night of the party, and*

    *cutStrange things start to happen around the house, and*

    Sloan can’t get the image of the girl out of her head. -(does that mean the girl wasn’t at the party?)

    *cuteven though they have never met*.

    *cutSloan thinks the haunting may have something to do with the Ouija board they found in the house and*

    One by one, the people *that (who?)* played the game die in mysterious and gruesome ways. Sloan and her brother are next. Sloan thinks that if she can just solve the mystery of the girl’s disappearance, the vengeful ghost can finally rest *cutin peace*.

    After the first read through, I saw very little to crit. The above suggestions may be viewed as a little bit picky so please, take my crits with a grain of salt, LOL.

    Great query, actually.

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  2. I agree with Aimee's comments above. That long paragraph reads more like a mini synopsis than a hook. Break into smaller paragraphs, and tighten this up to create more tension. Focus on the stakes.

    I don't mind the supernatural elements...don't find them too distracting. But I agree that you should leave it a bit more open ended as to "who could be doing this?"

    That said, I like the concept of the book and I would want to read more. Good luck!

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  3. Yep, I agree with all of the comments above. Definitely sounds like an interesting read - though it might make it difficult to sleep! :-)

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  4. This definitely sounds like a suspenseful read! You've got a great story going on here. Now the goal is to make your suspenseful story become a suspenseful query.

    I totally agree with all of Aimee's comments. It's better to have multiple, shorter paragraphs than one large one.

    The story of the missing girl is a bit confusing. As another commenter mentioned, it's hard to tell if she is or isn't at the party. And then, it took me several reads to realize that the girl's disappearance is the mystery that Sloan is trying to solve in order to appease the ghost.

    Also you could narrow down on the story a little bit. Is it really important that Finch is captain of the hockey team? Or even that "things start to look up" for the twins--you want to hook a reader with your query, and you won't do that by telling them that things are getting better. I would skip the fact that the party is in their father's absence, also. I would say something like this, "But on the night they host a party with their newfound friends, a girl on the other side of town (or somewhere other than the party, just so we're not confused) goes missing. As strange things start to happen around her already creepy house, Sloan can't shake the image of the girl from her head...even though they never met. And when the Ouija-playing friends (I'm sure you can come up with a better way to say this) start to die gruesome deaths, she realizes that she and her brother will be next. Sloan is sure that if she can solve the mystery of the first girl's disappearance, the vengeful ghost will rest in peace. But as she digs deeper into the case, she realizes the evil is much closer than she thought." (Feel free to totally draw off those hastily written sentences if you want...but make it yours, with your voice.) :)

    Here are some tricks I've used (or will use) when writing queries. First, figure out the general first-third of your book and write your query about that. Only. It's okay to end the query leaving the reader with questions about "what happens next". That's the idea. :) Also, pick a word count a hundred or so fewer words than what you have. Then whittle down the query to fit the word count. You'll be forced to combine sentences and thoughts (the way I did with the "they're making friends" idea and the party night), which makes it a faster, smoother, more suspenseful read.

    Please don't let any of this discourage you! You have a great story here! It's definitely suspenseful, and you've got some unique stuff going on with the fact that Sloan has a history with a serial killer. After reading your query, I do want to read your story and solve the mysteries. With a little tightening up, I think this is a winner. :) I'll be looking for you on bookshelves! :)
    ~melody

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