tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2622477097361465.post3995697162653486082..comments2024-03-10T00:27:43.883-08:00Comments on <center>Aimee L. Salter</center>: DRAFT QUERY #1 - Can You Help This Author?AimeeLSalterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17763596557256341788noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2622477097361465.post-31829789539588560782012-05-05T08:27:55.180-07:002012-05-05T08:27:55.180-07:00This definitely sounds like a suspenseful read! Yo...This definitely sounds like a suspenseful read! You've got a great story going on here. Now the goal is to make your suspenseful story become a suspenseful query.<br /><br />I totally agree with all of Aimee's comments. It's better to have multiple, shorter paragraphs than one large one.<br /><br />The story of the missing girl is a bit confusing. As another commenter mentioned, it's hard to tell if she is or isn't at the party. And then, it took me several reads to realize that the girl's disappearance is the mystery that Sloan is trying to solve in order to appease the ghost.<br /><br />Also you could narrow down on the story a little bit. Is it really important that Finch is captain of the hockey team? Or even that "things start to look up" for the twins--you want to hook a reader with your query, and you won't do that by telling them that things are getting better. I would skip the fact that the party is in their father's absence, also. I would say something like this, "But on the night they host a party with their newfound friends, a girl on the other side of town (or somewhere other than the party, just so we're not confused) goes missing. As strange things start to happen around her already creepy house, Sloan can't shake the image of the girl from her head...even though they never met. And when the Ouija-playing friends (I'm sure you can come up with a better way to say this) start to die gruesome deaths, she realizes that she and her brother will be next. Sloan is sure that if she can solve the mystery of the first girl's disappearance, the vengeful ghost will rest in peace. But as she digs deeper into the case, she realizes the evil is much closer than she thought." (Feel free to totally draw off those hastily written sentences if you want...but make it yours, with your voice.) :)<br /><br />Here are some tricks I've used (or will use) when writing queries. First, figure out the general first-third of your book and write your query about that. Only. It's okay to end the query leaving the reader with questions about "what happens next". That's the idea. :) Also, pick a word count a hundred or so fewer words than what you have. Then whittle down the query to fit the word count. You'll be forced to combine sentences and thoughts (the way I did with the "they're making friends" idea and the party night), which makes it a faster, smoother, more suspenseful read.<br /><br />Please don't let any of this discourage you! You have a great story here! It's definitely suspenseful, and you've got some unique stuff going on with the fact that Sloan has a history with a serial killer. After reading your query, I do want to read your story and solve the mysteries. With a little tightening up, I think this is a winner. :) I'll be looking for you on bookshelves! :)<br />~melodyMelodyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08846251713093236356noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2622477097361465.post-21348216083265037232012-05-03T15:31:21.989-07:002012-05-03T15:31:21.989-07:00Yep, I agree with all of the comments above. Defin...Yep, I agree with all of the comments above. Definitely sounds like an interesting read - though it might make it difficult to sleep! :-)Cally Jacksonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08313803959936813426noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2622477097361465.post-76417796700323565502012-05-03T09:46:13.848-07:002012-05-03T09:46:13.848-07:00I agree with Aimee's comments above. That long...I agree with Aimee's comments above. That long paragraph reads more like a mini synopsis than a hook. Break into smaller paragraphs, and tighten this up to create more tension. Focus on the stakes.<br /><br />I don't mind the supernatural elements...don't find them too distracting. But I agree that you should leave it a bit more open ended as to "who could be doing this?"<br /><br />That said, I like the concept of the book and I would want to read more. Good luck!Ginahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09961104600027063998noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2622477097361465.post-13700265636094794292012-05-03T08:28:20.378-07:002012-05-03T08:28:20.378-07:00Just observing.Just observing.Peaches Ledwidgehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13406881743264774589noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2622477097361465.post-17344548147873230952012-05-03T05:43:08.470-07:002012-05-03T05:43:08.470-07:00Though she hates the snow, and the creepy old hous...Though she hates the snow, and the creepy old house *cutthey move into* she fosters hope of recovery for her fractured family.-some alliteration here :)<br /><br />Things start to look up as she makes friends, and Finch becomes captain of the hockey team.-If you could re-phrase this sentence, I think it would have more impact- <br /><br />But all of that changes when the twins throw a party in their father’s absence-(introduce the Ouija board here). <br /><br />*cutThe night of the party, and* <br /><br />*cutStrange things start to happen around the house, and* <br /><br />Sloan can’t get the image of the girl out of her head. -(does that mean the girl wasn’t at the party?) <br /><br />*cuteven though they have never met*. <br /><br />*cutSloan thinks the haunting may have something to do with the Ouija board they found in the house and*<br /><br />One by one, the people *that (who?)* played the game die in mysterious and gruesome ways. Sloan and her brother are next. Sloan thinks that if she can just solve the mystery of the girl’s disappearance, the vengeful ghost can finally rest *cutin peace*. <br /><br />After the first read through, I saw very little to crit. The above suggestions may be viewed as a little bit picky so please, take my crits with a grain of salt, LOL.<br /><br />Great query, actually.Huntresshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08155372788872245758noreply@blogger.com