Aimee L. Salter: Pitch Wars Early Bird Mentor Critique 21 - QUERY

The First 500 words critique to which this blurb refers can be read here.

When I read a query, or query blurb of a story, I'm looking for five major elements communicated crisply, quickly, and clearly:

Who is the book about, where are they (and when, if applicable)? What does the protagonist want? What's the conflict, and who or what is the antagonistic force? And for your final hook, what specific obstacle will potentially stop the protagonist from achieving their goal? And what's at stake if they fail?
If a query can outline that in under 250 words, it's a winner. So let's take a look at this query and see how it stacks up:

ORIGINAL MATERIAL:

Enterprising sixteen-year-old Bryn knows she’ll never be an airline mechanic as long as she lives on Eldeyja, an island of dragons where planes are forbidden. Here, she’s just the last dragon whisperer’s best friend, and though she and Freyja are like sisters, Bryn wants more. When the owner of the island's controversial new tourism lodge offers her a job and a key recommendation to aviation school, she takes it—and hides it from Freyja, who has been distant and stressed. If Freyja knew, it would only cause problems.

Bryn’s timing couldn't be worse. It soon becomes obvious the lodge owner’s using her to get to Freyja and when Freyja finds out Bryn’s secret, it drives a wedge into their rapidly cooling friendship. Hoping to make amends, Bryn decides she’ll help her friend puzzle out her dad’s latest suspicious experiments in magical science. But she discovers Freyja’s dad is up to more than either of them anticipated: he plans to tamper with a nearby volcano in a far-fetched bid to protect his daughter from her mother’s grisly fate.

To make matters worse, the lodge owner may be luring dragons onto the property for guests' amusement. Fearing he'll rescind her recommendation letter, Bryn doesn't turn him in at first. But when her hesitation leads to a tragedy that fates Freyja to certain death, Bryn must find a way to save her best friend from the consequences of her own mistakes. And she must do it before Freyja's father succeeds in his experiments, or he could set off an explosive volcanic eruption that would change the fabric of their island’s magic forever.

THE PRESERVE, a YA contemporary fantasy complete at 72,000 words, is THE REST OF US JUST LIVE HERE set in a mythical JURASSIC PARK. I am an editorial intern under Kate Brauning at Entangled Publishing, and have previously interned with Dystel, Goderich & Bourret and P.S. Literary. My short stories have appeared in the University of Maryland’s literary journal, Stylus, and placed in the 2012 and 2015 Jimenez-Porter Literary Competition. This is my first novel.

CRITIQUE (My words in red font)

Enterprising sixteen-year-old Bryn knows she’ll never be an airline mechanic as long as she lives on Eldeyja, an island of dragons where planes are forbidden. Here, she’s just the last dragon whisperer’s best friend, and though she and Freyja are like sisters, Bryn wants more. When the owner of the island's controversial new tourism lodge offers her a job and a key recommendation to aviation school, she takes it—and hides it from Freyja, who has been distant and stressed. If Freyja knew, it would only cause problems.

Great opening. And recognizably your first chapter. Good job.

Too much detail (or too many words to cover the important details) here. We’re getting lost in the weeds. Important information that you need to pare back to:

1. The lodge’s owner has ulterior motives (try to indicate if he/she is a villain, or just caught up in something deeper)

2. Freyja’s Dad is up to no good.

3. The potential dissolution of the friendship means it’s harder for Bryn to figure out what’s going on.

Start with a sentence that clearly communicates each of those points, then flesh out anything that needs fleshing. (Don’t fall into the trap of the reader needing to know how these things are discovered. We don’t need that in a blurb).

I’m hoping the next paragraph will tell me what’s at stake, and what stands in Bryn’s way of keeping her friendship safe and saving whatever/whoever needs saving.

Plot-wise, this is great. But it’s both too much and not enough for a blurb. Important points:

1. Bryn makes a mistake that could fate Freyja to death. And she has to fix it before . . .

2. Freyja’s father could set off a chain reaction that could destroy . . . What? Who? We don’t know what “change the fabric of the island’s magic” means. Be specific—will dragons die? People get hurt? Magic weaken, leading the people into poverty and possible revolt? Show us the consequences if Bryn doesn’t stop Freyja’s father).

Great, succinct experience paragraph! Don’t change a thing! (And your writing reflects this experience too, which is even better).

SUMMARY:

Your query, as with your First 500, shows skill and an ability to stay on track. However, you’re losing sight of what will compel a reader to want to open the book (or manuscript) and see how it all pans out: What’s at stake if she fails?

If you pare back your second paragraph slightly and revise your third to focus on the danger/conflict and what will happen to Bryn if she fails at saving Freyja/stopping Freyja’s father (get specific!) then this query will be very successful.

Trust the reader not to need the tiny details at this point, but the over-arching sense of doom, and fear of failure. That’s what will make people go “Hmmmmm, that sounds interesting….” And open the book to get lost in it.

All of that said, don’t be discouraged. Your writing is strong and your query only needs tweaking—don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater.

I believe if you get this query right, you’ll gain a lot of requests in Pitch Wars / from agents.

Good luck!