Sunday, July 1, 2012

First 500 Critiques: MANIFESTATION FILES by Chihuahua Zero

This is the fourth in a series of posts where I critique the first 500 words of an author's book. You're free to add your notes in the comments (and disagree with mine). Just keep in mind these authors have volunteered their work, so please make sure any comments are constructive!

GIVEAWAY: For each of the first 500 posts, commentors go into the draw for a critique of their first chapter!


MANIFESTATION FILES
By Chihuahua Zero
GENRE: YA Urban Fantasy, approximately 70,000 Words

Mom held the airport sign toward customs. The sign was in its artsy glory, with a red border, and the surname “Walker” having too much of a flair.

“Brighten up, Bryan.” Mom said.

I folded my arms, refusing to reign in my gloominess. “I’m still feeling that I’m not going to like the exchange student.”

“I’m sure you will. It’s both our responsibility to make sure he has a great time. ”Mom leaned closer, “by the way, make sure to not be too friendly--”

“Mom!” I flustered up.

She grinned. “Don’t think I didn’t thought of that possibility.”

I turned away from her. As much as I was reluctant, it was my fault for standing down and giving in—

I recognized the exchange student from the photograph the agency gave us. He approached us, rolling suitcase in tow. He weaved through the crowd, straightened his path as he zeroed onto us—and tripped at our feet.

I rushed to him before Mom could react. He lifted himself with the suitcase handle. Once standing, he grinned sheepishly. “Um, sorry about that,” he said, rubbing the back of his head with one hand. “I can be clumsy at time.” He had a soft British accent, with the voice of a feeble-lunged flutist. He extended his arm out. “I’m Finn. You’re the Richardsons, right?”

“Right.” I shook his hand. His handshake was firm. “I’m Bryan. Welcome to St. Louis. You’re Phineas  Walker, or...Finn?” For some reason, he never contacted us beforehand, only filling out the applications.

“Yes, it’s Finn.” Finn slid his fingers out of my grip. So far, he came off as fragile and mild-mannered.

Mom intervened. “Welcome to St. Louis too. I hope you’ll have a nice time here, although I think you’ll certainly love being here. We’ll make sure that you’ll feel right at home.” She spotted Finn’s only suitcase. “Oh, that’s all you have?” Before Finn could respond, she continued.  “Don’t worry. We’ll provide everything you need.”

Finn better not need a Jacuzzi.

Just a few secods from Mom alienating Finn, I butted in. "Should we getting home, so we can show Finn around the house?"

“Sure.” Mom led us toward the main part of the airport. But instead her being the leader, I went in front. I waved Finn to be next to me. We needed to start getting familiar with each other, even if I was reluctant.

We entered the main terminal toward the parking garage. Warm colors bounced off the walls, with babble of travelers arriving or departing. A dreary overcast hung over the glass ceiling. Only an hour ago, the sun shined. Weather could be a bipolar mistress—especially in St. Louis.

I took a closer look at him. Of course he was shorter than me, but by an entire head. Brown hair side-swept with a comb, a blue collared shirt, and khakis. His clothes hung off his scrawny limbs.

Finn gazed in the direction of the arrival-departure boards and the airport advertisements in their glass cases. His tenseness betrayed his cultural shock or stress. Whatever it was, he was a fish flopping on land.
 

***CRITIQUE***

Mom held the airport sign toward customs. The sign was in its artsy glory, with a red border, and the surname “Walker” having too much of a flair.

I got a little confused. Your second sentence starts about the design, comma’s into the description, then goes back to the design.


“Brighten up, Bryan.” Mom said.

I folded my arms, refusing to reign in my gloominess. “I’m still feeling that I’m not going to like the exchange student.”

Seems like a teenager would be more likely to say “I’m still not going to like him / her.”



“I’m sure you will. It’s both our responsibility to make sure he has a great time. ”Mom leaned closer, “by the way, make sure to not be too friendly--”

Nice introduction of tension / foreshadowing. But I’d like to know if the exchange student is male or female? Are we in LGBTQ? Is this a way to delay the reveal?



“Mom!” I flustered up.

That's an odd phrasing that stopped my read. Consider using "I spluttered" for the attribution, or something like that. Something that indicates the fluster.



She grinned. “Don’t think I didn’t thought of that possibility.”

Typo – should be “Don’t think I hadn’t thought of that possibility”



I turned away from her. As much as I was reluctant, it was my fault for standing down and giving in—

To what? You can’t create tension without explanation when we have no background or context.



I recognized the exchange student from the photograph the agency gave us. He approached us, rolling suitcase in tow. He weaved through the crowd, straightened his path as he zeroed onto us—and tripped at our feet.

He, he, his, he – there’s a lot of this here and it stands out. You’ve got an opportunity here to organically introduce actual description (either the standard height / hair / eyes, or more metaphoric imagery). But without it, none of the action pulls me because I don’t know who I’m supposed to picture.



I rushed to him before Mom could react. He lifted himself with the suitcase handle. Once standing, he grinned sheepishly. “Um, sorry about that,” he said, rubbing the back of his head with one hand. “I can be clumsy at time.”

Typo? “At times.”?



He had a soft British accent, with the voice of a feeble-lunged flutist.

Not sure if you’re aware, but the wind-instrumentalists are anything but feeble-lunged. They take a great deal of lung capacity and control. I’m only able to tell you this because I used to play brass. In any case, I’d use a different comparison as anyone who’s played any kind of wind instrument will think “What?!”



He extended his arm out. “I’m Finn. You’re the Richardsons, right?”

“Right.” I shook his hand. His handshake was firm. “I’m Bryan. Welcome to St. Louis. You’re Phineas Walker, or...Finn?”

Have people introduce themselves, instead of each other.



For some reason, he never contacted us beforehand, only filling out the applications.

Good point to note, but put it at the beginning. Give us some emotional expectation at the top so we can anticipate his arrival and watch it unfold.



“Yes, it’s Finn.” Finn slid his fingers out of my grip. So far, he came off as fragile and mild-mannered.

You’re telling here, not showing. Unfortunately, the ‘fragile’ bit isn’t shown so what you’re saying contradicts what I see. In my mind a fragile person wouldn’t brush themselves off after a tumble, or have a firm handshake.



Mom intervened. “Welcome to St. Louis too. I hope you’ll have a nice time here, although I think you’ll certainly love being here. We’ll make sure that you’ll feel right at home.” She spotted Finn’s only suitcase. “Oh, that’s all you have?” Before Finn could respond, she continued.  “Don’t worry. We’ll provide everything you need.”

Finn better not need a Jacuzzi.

Nice line.



Just a few seconds from Mom alienating Finn, I butted in.

How did she alienate him?



“Should we getting home, so we can show Finn around the house?”

Missing a word in there at the beginning.



“Sure.” Mom led us toward the main part of the airport. But instead her being the leader, I went in front.

Another missing word. Rather than describing who should lead, just show us that Bryan went first – use this as a moment for him to respond to what’s happened and give us a gauge about how he feels about this new person.



I waved Finn to be next to me. We needed to start getting familiar with each other, even if I was reluctant.

Again, your telling contradicts what you’re showing. The only thing he’s done to seem ‘reluctant’ is say he was at the very beginning. Everything else has been helpful and welcoming. Felt more to me like he was being sullen with his mother to hide his true feelings.



We entered the main terminal toward the parking garage. Warm colors bounced off the walls, with babble of travelers arriving or departing. A dreary overcast hung over the glass ceiling. Only an hour ago, the sun shined. Weather could be a bipolar mistress—especially in St. Louis.

I took a closer look at him. Of course he was shorter than me, but by an entire head. Brown hair side-swept with a comb, a blue collared shirt, and khakis. His clothes hung off his scrawny limbs.

You definitely needed to give this the moment he arrived, to anchor the image in our minds. This is too late. This is the place to give an emotional reaction, not a physical description.



Finn gazed in the direction of the arrival-departure boards and the airport advertisements in their glass cases. His tenseness betrayed his cultural shock or stress. Whatever it was, he was a fish flopping on land.

I like the metaphor, it’s vivid. But again I don’t feel like we’ve seen this tenseness or out-of-water. He tripped, but other than that, he’s been polite and amenable. Rather than telling the reader about this, let the image develop in action over time – he could trip over words, seem to not understand, look around sadly, keep to himself in his room, etc, etc, etc. As the pages progress, you can SHOW that he’s feeling out of sorts, rather than trying to tell it here where we still need proof.


OVERVIEW

Who? Bryan and his mother, and later Finn. All easily placed.
What? Finn is arriving as an exchange student to stay with them.
When? Present day (I think – if not, you need to add clues)
Where? Airport
Why?

So, you’ve got all the important stuff here, well done! I’d really encourage you to put the description of Finn right at the moment he arrives – let us see him through Bryan’s eyes, and maybe even get a hint of Bryan’s feelings now that he’s seen him.

I like how you introduced the LGBTQ aspect – very organic and right up front. Well done. I wouldn’t bother waiting for the ‘reveal’. Chances are, your blurb will note that he’s a gay teen anyway. Just write your story without treating this aspect any differently than anything else.

I do really like this opening – it’s a great place to start your story. I’d like to see the relationship between these two unfold, and wonder about the cultural aspects too (as someone who grew up in two English-speaking cultures, these types of stories are close to my heart).

My main concern here is that you’re injecting too much narrative of what you want the reader to see, rather than just showing it through the actions / reactions of the characters. Consider this: If you have the right body language and emotional-sequels written in, there’s no need for you to tell the reader how the characters feel. If you have to tell, chances are you aren’t demonstrating the right cues.

For example, rather than “I folded my arms, refusing to reign in my gloominess” try something like: I folded my arms, glaring at her.

Or, instead of, “Mom led us toward the main part of the airport. But instead her being the leader, I went in front.” Try something like “Mom started heading through the airport. But I passed her in a few strides. Let her stare at my back for the walk so she knew I hadn’t changed my mind. 

Obviously these are in my voice, not yours. I’m not suggesting these as actual replacements, just trying to give you an idea of what I mean.

So, all in all, I think you’ve got a good solid beginning. It just needs a little refining to make sure you’re setting the tone of the relationships via show, not tell. And make sure the descriptions come as each character enters the scene.

Your Turn: Do you have any suggestions for the author to help improve the opening? Were you hooked by the writing sample provided?


4 comments:

  1. Thanks for the critique! I'll be considering your advice, especially on cutting narrative and using show not tell. One problem I have is figuring out how to show without screwing over the pace, but I'll figure that out later.

    By the way, I'm still not show how to handle Bryan's sexuality, with everyone figuring it out as they see that line, even as it becomes subtler and subtler. The problem is that I don't want to lock this story into a niche, but as I work more on it, it becomes more and more unavoidable.

    By the way, I forgot to include the title when sending you the e-mail. It's Manifestation Files, although it's probably too late to edit it in.

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  2. I got sidetracked after reading the word "flustered" and my adult ADD kicked in and here I am commenting, but the truth is that I skimmed the rest. I stopped engaging after that one word.

    I do think that I'm the type of reader though, who needs a cover and a synopsis or a great recommendation to be motivated enough to engage in any book unless I already know I like the author's style. I may not be a fair judge, but...

    Just read Aimee's critique and it's dead on from what I can see. I do have the feeling that there's potential for the content here if the wording isn't distracting from it.

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  3. I folded my arms, refusing to reign in my gloominess. **This bit of dialogue feels fake, especially if this is a teen. Maybe something more like, "This is going to be a disaster." or "He's going to hate me." Is Bryan gay? "I still think this is a terrible idea." or "Mom, he's going to freak." But what you have sounds too formal for this moment." “I’m still feeling that I’m not going to like the exchange student.”**

    “I’m sure you will. It’s both our responsibility to make sure he has a great time. ”Mom leaned closer, “by the way, make sure to not be too friendly--” **This is why I wondered if he was gay**

    Finn better not need a Jacuzzi. **It's funny, but I feel like Bryan hasn't shown us he thinks like this yet, seems a bit out of place at this point**

    Just a few secods from Mom alienating Finn, I butted in. **This is an awkward sentence, or maybe it's just that I don't get why Mom would be alienating Finn soon. Can she say something that hints at going too far? Maybe she gets a cultural thing wrong (like thinking he would say g'day mate) or asks ignorant questions (like if they celebrate the 4th of July) and then have the kid butt in**

    Weather could be a bipolar mistress—especially in St. Louis. **This seems a bit deeply thought for a teen. Can you find a more teenager-y way to talk about the weather?**

    I like the way this starts. We're right there waiting for the mystery guest and that gives us drive to continue going.

    And I agree with Aimee's suggestions (in fact I think we came to some of the same conclusions). Polish it up and keep writing!

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  4. Sounds like an interesting read, Chihuahua Zero. Good on you for putting your stuff out there for feedback!

    Aimee, once again, your comments are spot on (in my opinion). You never cease to impress me with your ability to hone in on what strengthens a piece and what's holding it back.

    ReplyDelete