Thursday, May 17, 2012

Draft Query #4 - Can You Help This Author?

This is the fourth in a series of posts where we're helping authors hone their query letters.

The goal here is to help writers find the 'hook' in their story - NOT to give categorical advice on what agents will and won't accept. After all, agents are as individual as you and me.

With that in mind, here's the draft query as written. Following that, I'll offer some comments, then leave it open to you guys to offer yours!

I seek representation for THE ADAMANT, urban fantasy complete at 100 K. Please contact me if you are interested. I’d be thrilled to have you as my agent.

No one tells Shamira Kelley how to live her life. Not the parents who abandoned her. Or the ancient relic that seeks to bond with her.

People can’t talk to animals. Or kill with a thought. But Shamira can and wonders why she bears this curse. After a chance meeting with Faelan, a man of few words, Shamira learns why. Possession. Her pendant, a leftover from a millenniums-old tragedy, wants revenge for its death and fancies using Shamira to achieve this goal by ridding Earth of the infestation known as Mankind. But its newest acolyte isn’t toeing the line.

Shamira wants nothing to do with power and glory. But she must accept the role of savior and learn to control the relic or it is the End Times for humans. Danger comes from the ones who would steal the relic. And from Faelan who believes Shamira’s death would destroy the pendant.

The position of Heroine is open. And no one loathes the job more than Shamira.
THE ADAMANT is a stand-alone manuscript but shows promise as a series. Per submission guidelines, I am including the synopsis and first chapter.


My Comments (In italics)

I seek representation for THE ADAMANT, urban fantasy complete at 100 K. Please contact me if you are interested. I’d be thrilled to have you as my agent.

I think the second sentence here is just extra words. After all, you wouldn't be querying if you weren't interested in being contacted. I think you want to get the agent to your story as quickly as possible in case they're having an impatient day.


No one tells Shamira Kelley how to live her life.

A good line because it gives a really good definition of the character in just a few words.  Well done!


Not the parents who abandoned her. Or the ancient relic that seeks to bond with her.

People can’t talk to animals. Or kill with a thought. But Shamira can and wonders why she bears this curse.

These two paragraphs both seem to encompass great ideas. But they also read completely disparately to me. Like they are two different books. I know they aren't, but I'd find a way to smooth the transition.

Re the second paragraph: My first thought was "Talking to animals and killing with a thought would be COOL. Why does she think it's a curse?" I suspect there are elements to your story that would make the reader agree it's a curse, but I'd suggest either outlining the gifts with a little more detail so we see the dark side, or leave the 'curse' part out until later.


After a chance meeting with Faelan, a man of few words, Shamira learns why. Possession. Her pendant, a leftover from a millenniums-old tragedy, wants revenge for its death and fancies using Shamira to achieve this goal by ridding Earth of the infestation known as Mankind. But its newest acolyte isn’t toeing the line.

And now it feels like we're back in the first-paragraph story. I lost track of the talking animals / killing thoughts and got a little turned around and had to re-read.


Shamira wants nothing to do with power and glory. But she must accept the role of savior and learn to control the relic or it is the End Times for humans. Danger comes from the ones who would steal the relic. And from Faelan who believes Shamira’s death would destroy the pendant.

Of the letter, I think this is the paragraph that you've got the biggest problem with. It seems to be trying to do too much - hit every 'fantasy' plot element in one fell swoop. That said, there's some REALLY good stuff here. See comments below.


The position of Heroine is open. And no one loathes the job more than Shamira.

Nice line! A great way to flip the traditional reluctant heroine on its head, in my opinion.


THE ADAMANT is a stand-alone manuscript but shows promise as a series. Per submission guidelines, I am including the synopsis and first chapter.

I've read countless agent blogs on what to include in a query letter. Some say if it's part of a series, that's fine, but I don't care unless the first one is good. Some say they don't want to know. Some don't care whether you include it or not. To err on the side of caution, I'd just query the book without mentioning this. It feels like you're trying to put a foot in both camps which makes me wonder if you know where your story ends. (I'm sure you do, I'm trying to give you some impressions about the statement. When I read I thought, "So does the story end here, or not?")


OVERVIEW:

This is yet another story / plot / character that interests me. But I'd work on your query some. You've got A heroine who can talk to animals and kill. A relic with a mind of it's own and wanting vengeance. A man who wants to help, but also might harm. A world in need of a savior and at risk of annihlation... on and on! There's to much here, for a query I think. Try paring it down

Here are the parts that hooked me:

- World Building: A heroine with 'superpowers' and a dark power that's trying to use her against her will.

- Character Building: A strong heroine who won't back down (Win!). That's come through really strongly. Keep those two sentences at the beginning and end. They work.

- Conflict: There are two elements of conflict that I really liked: The ancient relic that's trying to use the heroine against her will, and the man who might help, but also thinks killing her will help in the long run. Danger! Great!

- What's at Stake: This is where I think you're trying to do too much. If this is epic fantasy, that's great. But you can't outline that in 300 words. Instead, try focusing on what will happen to the heroine herself if she loses the fight with the relic.

And my last piece of advice is to remember that the query letter is only intended to make an agent want to read more. That's it. You don't need to achieve greatness here, just pique their curiosity.


Your Turn: Okay, folks, what do you think? What could this author do to make the query stand out in a crowd? Give any feedback you think might be helpful – but remember the idea is to give constructive feedback. If you don’t like something, explain why. And if you think something else is needed, offer suggestions that might help. Any needlessly derogative or personal comments will be deleted.

6 comments:

  1. I agree with the comments you made about the query. The story sounds great, but the most jarring part was the transition between the second and third paragraph.

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  2. Great review - I agree. Lots of neat individual elements. Maybe by focusing in on one or two specific inciting events (the ones that kick off the plot), the author can bring them together in a more powerful way.

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  3. "Light bulb!" - Gru, Despicable Me.

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  4. Are we not to comment on grammatical and spelling errors?

    "I seek representation for THE ADAMANT, urban fantasy complete at 100 K." might read: I seek representation for The Adamant (in Italics), an urban fantasy, complete at 100,000 words. [this isn't a text message, shortcuts indicate sloppy writing.]

    "Toeing" should be towing.

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    Replies
    1. Good point on the 100k. Though I think the 'toeing' is correct - it's a saying to "toe the line".

      More info on that here:

      http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/toe_the_line

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  5. An excellent critique. I don't know if I can add anything.

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