Thursday, May 10, 2012

DRAFT QUERY #3 - Can You Help This Author?

Here's the third in a series of posts wherein we're going to do our best to help some authors hone their query letters before submitting.
 
The goal here is to help writers find the 'hook' in their story - NOT to give categorical advice on what agents will and won't accept. After all, agents are as individual as you and me.
 
With that in mind, here's the draft query as written. Following that, I'll offer some comments, then leave it open to you guys to offer yours!


Dear Agent,

Ross Chambers is used to dodging bullets.  He's not used to being the bad guy.

Granted, good and bad is all a matter of opinion, but considering every cop in the country has been ordered to shoot on sight, he's not going to argue.  But if he did, he would point out that the real bad guys are people like Robespierre, and Torquemada, and Hitler--all of whom want him dead.

But not as much as Dr. Lorraine Field, his former boss and the director of Hourglass, an underground organization supposedly dedicated to "Protecting the Present by Preserving the Past," as its motto goes.  She wants to feed his heart to Aztec gods and strap his corpse to the hull of the Titanic.  To her, Ross is a terrorist, hell-bent on reshaping history into something unrecognizable.  His daring adventures through time pose a threat to modern society, or so she tells her agents.

Bullshit.  As far as he's concerned, helping a few blokes escape the gulags is not going to cause World War III.  At least, the chances are slim.  Almost as slim as his chance of survival, which considering his reputation as the Most Wanted Man of All Time, hovers at just a little above zero.  But, as long as he can travel through history, he might as well make himself useful.

Besides, altering the past is the only way to save the woman he loves.

At 105,000 words, [TITLE REDACTED] is a completed novel that blends action/adventure and historical fiction.  Please feel free to check out my website at [REDACTED].

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

[NAME REDACTED]


MY COMMENTS (In italics)

Dear Agent,

Ross Chambers is used to dodging bullets. He's not used to being the bad guy.

A good start, I thought.


Granted, good and bad is all a matter of opinion, but considering every cop in the country has been ordered to shoot on sight, he's not going to argue. But if he did, he would point out that the real bad guys are people like Robespierre, and Torquemada, and Hitler--all of whom want him dead.

I found this confusing because I wasn't yet clear on the time-travel element. It felt a little too much like you were trying to establish voice, rather than the hook.


But not as much as Dr. Lorraine Field, his former boss and the director of Hourglass, an underground organization supposedly dedicated to "Protecting the Present by Preserving the Past," as its motto goes. She wants to feed his heart to Aztec gods and strap his corpse to the hull of the Titanic. To her, Ross is a terrorist, hell-bent on reshaping history into something unrecognizable. His daring adventures through time pose a threat to modern society, or so she tells her agents.

This felt to me like more of where your story is. See comments below.


Bullshit. As far as he's concerned, helping a few blokes escape the gulags is not going to cause World War III. At least, the chances are slim. Almost as slim as his chance of survival, which considering his reputation as the Most Wanted Man of All Time, hovers at just a little above zero. But, as long as he can travel through history, he might as well make himself useful.

It feels like there's a little bit of overkill on the 'he's not going to make it through this' rhetoric. I believed you the first time you said it, so now I want to know WHY?

Besides, altering the past is the only way to save the woman he loves.

This came out of the blue for me because there's been no love interest mentioned before. It's always a useful hook, but I think you need to establish the relationship before throwing this into the mix. It would only take one sentence early-on to do that.

At 105,000 words, [TITLE REDACTED] is a completed novel that blends action/adventure and historical fiction. Please feel free to check out my website at [REDACTED].

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

[NAME REDACTED]

OVERVIEW:

Okay, so once again I felt like there was a good book in here, but it got buried underneath a lot of unnecessary padding. It also felt a little like the plot-nuggets were revealed backwards.

I think the things you want to focus on are:

- World building: Ross Chambers travels through time, but he's a future-day hero and he's in love.
- Set-Up: This is currently lacking from your query. Tell the agent exactly WHAT Ross does - what kind of 'adventures' does he get into and why?
- Conflict: His former boss wants him dead because she claims he's changing the fabric of history. Ross disagrees, but doesn't have the power to defend himself.
- What's at Stake: Ross's life and the life of the woman he loves. (Are there any time-travel related consquences also involved?)

Your voice is strong in the query, but seems a little forced. I think if you can communicate the who, what, where and why a little more clearly, you can trust your voice to come through on its own.

Your Turn: What do you think this author could do to make the query stronger? Give any feedback you think might be helpful to the author – but please keep in mind that we’re here to help. Offer constructive feedback – if you don’t like something, explain why. And if you think something else is needed, offer suggestions that might help. Any needlessly derogative or personal comments will be deleted.

3 comments:

  1. The opening line is catchy, but stories about cops who are mistaken for the bad guy are not unique. You need to hook me with that first line and it needs to be original to do that properly. I was surprised to find out that time travel is involved in this story, because that would have been part of your first line. Write something catchy about time travel and I think you have a much better hook here. Then, of course, we need to know a little bit about the protagonist and the basic conflict.

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  2. Your book sounds awesome and one I would definitely pick up. I do agree with Aimee's comments though on how you could consider refining the pitch to focus on the key 'hook' elements. Best of luck finding a home for your book - I'll be keeping an eye out for it! :-)

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  3. The last sentence is the most important. Why not put it at the top, maybe the third sentence? It took several read-throughs for me to understand that this is a time travel novel. Until I figured that out, the second paragraph made no sense to me.

    ‘Altering the past’ is supremely important to the storyline. The conflict between Ross and his former boss is great but put it AFTER telling the reader about ‘helping a few blokes escape…’ Give me that bit a backstory before telling me the consequences of the deed.

    IMHO the query's timeline seems out of place.

    Phrases that stand out to me:
    -Ross Chambers
    -not used to being the bad guy.
    -to shoot on sight
    -Dr. Lorraine Field
    -Ross is a terrorist, hell-bent on reshaping history into something unrecognizable. His daring -adventures through time pose a threat to modern society, or so she tells her agents.
    -helping a few blokes escape
    -At least, the chances are slim. Almost as slim as his chance of survival, which considering his --reputation as the Most Wanted Man of All Time,
    -altering the past is the only way to save the woman he loves.

    (hope this makes sense. I'm running on little sleep :)

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